Meta tags:

Headings (most frequently used words):

2009, wednesday, january, 2008, er, um, in, the, blogs, like, my, sock, south, thursday, september, 14, sunday, november, october, tuesday, august, 19, about, me, blog, archive, aka, where, spend, way, too, much, of, time, more, favorite, sites, little, red, headed, girl, 12, it, had, to, happen, history, is, made, shana, tova, part, behind, count, health, and, jesus, god, whoever, whatever,

Text of the page (most frequently used words):
the (895), and (590), that (357), she (299), was (277), her (242), for (175), had (163), not (162), but (159), have (150), there (146), with (140), they (123), would (121), time (108), just (104), this (101), been (100), all (97), has (86), are (77), now (76), when (75), were (73), one (70), about (68), out (67), cathy (65), did (58), more (57), back (56), get (56), could (55), our (54), you (53), even (53), room (52), here (52), his (52), day (52), much (50), will (50), night (50), what (47), right (46), can (44), who (43), some (42), then (41), after (40), while (40), from (39), well (39), very (39), him (38), got (37), them (37), said (37), other (36), april (35), long (35), last (35), thing (32), since (32), still (32), their (32), always (32), #little (31), like (31), only (31), come (31), know (30), also (30), than (30), going (29), over (29), say (29), years (29), lai (29), things (28), knew (28), see (27), those (27), first (27), down (27), sure (27), hospital (26), how (26), didn (26), think (26), myself (26), never (26), few (26), before (25), maybe (25), being (25), almost (24), which (24), made (24), most (24), around (24), because (23), into (23), told (23), icu (23), life (22), better (22), really (22), god (22), another (22), make (22), again (22), morning (22), same (22), way (21), people (21), friends (21), until (21), able (21), taylor (21), chris (21), home (20), every (20), own (20), already (20), enough (20), left (20), off (19), actually (19), many (19), through (19), year (19), days (19), went (19), called (19), two (19), where (18), too (18), may (18), done (18), wanted (18), old (18), though (18), breathing (18), gage (18), several (17), times (17), behind (17), work (17), getting (17), hard (17), came (17), don (16), want (16), family (16), whole (16), call (16), someone (16), both (16), nurse (16), any (16), august (15), should (15), good (15), tell (15), stay (15), take (15), else (15), minutes (15), finally (15), kids (15), yet (15), tonight (14), kind (14), course (14), part (14), week (14), new (14), game (14), happened (14), each (14), next (14), friend (14), bed (14), asked (14), rabbi (14), seems (13), however (13), certainly (13), thought (13), bad (13), happen (13), point (13), lot (13), without (13), probably (13), least (13), waiting (13), story (13), later (13), leave (13), hours (13), together (13), patsy (13), soon (12), gone (12), jewish (12), found (12), fact (12), today (12), took (12), head (12), couldn (12), talked (12), talk (12), beautiful (12), house (12), write (12), sox (11), move (11), something (11), weeks (11), might (11), believe (11), away (11), having (11), start (11), stayed (11), everyone (11), end (11), unit (11), sister (11), timmy (11), mother (11), wynn (11), red (10), 2009 (10), blog (10), wasn (10), once (10), past (10), rest (10), these (10), full (10), doing (10), wife (10), need (10), job (10), longer (10), less (10), fluid (10), friday (10), let (10), place (10), thursday (10), sleep (10), short (10), saturday (10), herself (10), ever (10), love (10), couple (10), hear (10), ready (10), mom (10), sue (10), january (9), why (9), anything (9), ago (9), given (9), find (9), saying (9), used (9), often (9), son (9), wouldn (9), idea (9), look (9), although (9), hope (9), occasionally (9), state (9), season (9), simply (9), gotten (9), does (9), sit (9), help (9), afternoon (9), great (9), chemo (9), words (9), door (9), needed (9), side (9), visit (9), important (9), loved (9), felt (9), spend (8), wait (8), whatever (8), best (8), worse (8), games (8), during (8), taken (8), started (8), sitting (8), cat (8), put (8), tube (8), tried (8), pain (8), chair (8), bit (8), remember (8), nothing (8), quite (8), wonderful (8), earlier (8), mark (8), face (8), jeanine (8), eyes (8), body (8), brother (8), minute (8), memories (8), sosock (7), posted (7), seemed (7), post (7), thinking (7), give (7), hell (7), world (7), especially (7), anyway (7), evening (7), himself (7), leaving (7), procedure (7), walk (7), breath (7), wake (7), feeling (7), glad (7), set (7), recent (7), wish (7), hand (7), play (7), moved (7), lungs (7), pac (7), moment (7), mask (7), conversation (7), others (7), floor (7), goodbye (7), hall (7), aunt (7), josh (7), burial (7), forehead (7), basketball (6), older (6), labels (6), comments (6), afraid (6), doesn (6), month (6), sound (6), seem (6), relationship (6), absolutely (6), lives (6), possible (6), stop (6), seen (6), working (6), high (6), monday (6), straight (6), open (6), drive (6), loss (6), effusion (6), doctor (6), indeed (6), supposed (6), mind (6), chance (6), alone (6), weekend (6), second (6), completely (6), somewhere (6), aware (6), worked (6), spent (6), haven (6), guess (6), team (6), man (6), coming (6), share (6), sign (6), returned (6), gave (6), peaceful (6), haley (6), certain (6), brought (6), keep (6), usually (6), hour (6), early (6), marty (6), anniversary (6), health (5), writing (5), thoughts (5), wrong (5), jesus (5), stuff (5), seriously (5), instead (5), word (5), name (5), positive (5), responsible (5), party (5), arrival (5), far (5), worth (5), damn (5), turn (5), temple (5), hurt (5), continue (5), service (5), pretty (5), hands (5), mean (5), takes (5), business (5), watching (5), ones (5), top (5), cancer (5), wednesday (5), practically (5), near (5), meant (5), exactly (5), hadn (5), sunday (5), insisted (5), such (5), known (5), jew (5), guy (5), between (5), heels (5), acc (5), looking (5), points (5), carolina (5), routine (5), visiting (5), response (5), numerous (5), nurses (5), girls (5), traditional (5), different (5), closest (5), daughter (5), comes (5), kiss (5), dad (5), spoken (5), tom (5), carol (5), children (5), young (5), yesterday (5), tina (5), blogs (4), joy (4), 2008 (4), girl (4), view (4), holding (4), normal (4), line (4), comment (4), mention (4), use (4), either (4), single (4), christian (4), sounds (4), consider (4), community (4), reason (4), regardless (4), faith (4), question (4), acknowledge (4), making (4), must (4), sometimes (4), knows (4), tuesday (4), deep (4), poor (4), particular (4), try (4), possibly (4), catch (4), reasons (4), feel (4), works (4), honor (4), watch (4), won (4), keeping (4), problems (4), baby (4), primary (4), parent (4), caught (4), months (4), paperwork (4), midnight (4), entire (4), wise (4), ray (4), lung (4), drain (4), process (4), office (4), half (4), admitted (4), showed (4), nice (4), sent (4), serious (4), waking (4), change (4), school (4), knowing (4), upset (4), eventually (4), return (4), helped (4), cannot (4), father (4), beading (4), anyone (4), experience (4), decide (4), league (4), against (4), happy (4), late (4), watched (4), voted (4), bush (4), gets (4), spoke (4), white (4), starting (4), spot (4), guard (4), bench (4), show (4), beloved (4), approximately (4), husband (4), apparently (4), slowly (4), begin (4), drip (4), close (4), care (4), standing (4), says (4), 9th (4), concerned (4), moving (4), shared (4), moments (4), dee (4), hug (4), events (4), heads (4), three (4), act (4), town (4), replied (4), except (4), allow (4), respiratory (4), therapist (4), parents (4), spending (4), blessing (4), prayers (4), asleep (4), cot (4), final (4), smile (4), hotel (4), mourner (4), jeff (4), tarheel (3), blue (3), site (3), favorite (3), headed (3), september (3), posts (3), personal (3), yes (3), read (3), okay (3), land (3), written (3), constantly (3), person (3), following (3), credit (3), your (3), possibilities (3), buy (3), whether (3), beliefs (3), wondrous (3), somehow (3), besides (3), aspects (3), natural (3), voice (3), whoever (3), baseball (3), gonna (3), yom (3), kippur (3), existence (3), real (3), sits (3), blogging (3), holiday (3), reflection (3), pitcher (3), hill (3), shape (3), ahead (3), count (3), list (3), tomorrow (3), added (3), officially (3), fortunately (3), missing (3), yeah (3), money (3), fall (3), nights (3), trouble (3), law (3), path (3), prior (3), means (3), grandson (3), easy (3), sudden (3), phone (3), recently (3), build (3), center (3), closer (3), walked (3), pack (3), involved (3), powder (3), morphine (3), drugs (3), hardly (3), actual (3), ran (3), realize (3), small (3), repair (3), crisis (3), increase (3), tumor (3), particularly (3), beads (3), check (3), denial (3), championship (3), sang (3), history (3), obama (3), run (3), republicans (3), college (3), forest (3), win (3), scored (3), add (3), assists (3), stretch (3), including (3), missed (3), big (3), played (3), practice (3), respond (3), winston (3), numb (3), feels (3), regular (3), thank (3), doctors (3), explain (3), badly (3), struggle (3), cleared (3), taking (3), price (3), along (3), preparing (3), undoubtedly (3), tough (3), suddenly (3), tay (3), decision (3), jenny (3), situation (3), nostril (3), clear (3), stood (3), quick (3), type (3), connection (3), telling (3), hold (3), thankful (3), pick (3), ties (3), bonds (3), acceptance (3), strings (3), painting (3), stand (3), weekends (3), comfort (3), suspected (3), funeral (3), arrived (3), dear (3), seeing (3), treated (3), childhood (3), talking (3), numbness (3), wishes (3), ways (3), noon (3), rough (3), spots (3), whom (3), tori (3), met (3), jan (3), pat (3), stroke (3), rabbis (3), within (3), dana (3), journey (3), sat (3), spring (3), lean (3), shawl (3), buried (3), desire (3), everything (3), remind (3), looked (3), slowed (3), suit (3), comfortable (3), agreed (3), signs (3), decided (3), immediately (3), liked (3), described (3), den (3), vows (3), countless (3), marriage (3), beer (3), emma (3), fan (2), aka (2), october (2), november (2), religion (2), onto (2), private (2), lived (2), ride (2), instances (2), lately (2), turns (2), dwell (2), prognosis (2), aspect (2), wrote (2), created (2), perfectly (2), meaning (2), form (2), characteristics (2), philosophy (2), forget (2), isn (2), human (2), suffer (2), none (2), rather (2), delve (2), suffice (2), judaism (2), changing (2), incredibly (2), unlikely (2), numbers (2), truly (2), tend (2), hasn (2), christians (2), react (2), age (2), significance (2), aren (2), seat (2), behindedness (2), decent (2), usual (2), absence (2), blogsite (2), holy (2), miss (2), cause (2), yourself (2), join (2), mode (2), car (2), anywhere (2), toward (2), raising (2), ball (2), field (2), prep (2), abuse (2), caring (2), turned (2), financial (2), jobs (2), picking (2), billing (2), pay (2), taxes (2), checking (2), jos (2), listening (2), related (2), awful (2), hook (2), loyal (2), strong (2), extended (2), performed (2), follow (2), imaging (2), flat (2), episode (2), across (2), gasping (2), cavity (2), lining (2), closing (2), plan (2), warrant (2), pulse (2), talc (2), thoracentesis (2), followed (2), 100 (2), etc (2), panic (2), hated (2), rarely (2), fill (2), sleeping (2), fold (2), dog (2), van (2), rock (2), overnight (2), allowed (2), brief (2), literally (2), mutual (2), ugly (2), physically (2), break (2), comforted (2), learning (2), recall (2), parts (2), kept (2), problem (2), nor (2), itself (2), remain (2), nearly (2), activity (2), fairly (2), bear (2), hopeful (2), capacity (2), limitations (2), wants (2), doses (2), raised (2), stage (2), mechanism (2), sense (2), worry (2), uncomfortable (2), kicked (2), series (2), tampa (2), bay (2), begun (2), choir (2), address (2), technically (2), admit (2), bought (2), republican (2), politician (2), trust (2), paid (2), heart (2), differently (2), choose (2), clinton (2), opened (2), ancestry (2), anybody (2), country (2), lying (2), surely (2), accepting (2), men (2), tar (2), undefeated (2), opener (2), proverbial (2), duke (2), playing (2), themselves (2), despite (2), jackson (2), goes (2), lawson (2), turnovers (2), ridiculous (2), ratio (2), tyler (2), exact (2), wayne (2), previous (2), hit (2), free (2), throws (2), boy (2), test (2), guys (2), salem (2), florida (2), relax (2), improved (2), send (2), forced (2), bank (2), jobsite (2), customer (2), folks (2), blur (2), pleural (2), expecting (2), news (2), dreading (2), ourselves (2), battle (2), odds (2), harder (2), hoped (2), infection (2), shot (2), building (2), remove (2), pulled (2), treatment (2), number (2), rate (2), grasp (2), respiration (2), saving (2), measures (2), available (2), regulations (2), 30pm (2), ended (2), gentle (2), sweet (2), barely (2), crowd (2), progressed (2), changed (2), doors (2), attention (2), staying (2), shift (2), slept (2), chairs (2), lights (2), stretched (2), passed (2), area (2), weak (2), asking (2), leading (2), imagine (2), dealing (2), thoughtful (2), oncology (2), environment (2), tubes (2), wires (2), monitors (2), grandchildren (2), relate (2), appeared (2), encouraged (2), cried (2), equipment (2), held (2), sobbing (2), bring (2), neck (2), five (2), elevator (2), friendships (2), bond (2), farewells (2), tired (2), tears (2), running (2), paths (2), plans (2), become (2), spends (2), shows (2), levels (2), paints (2), gastonia (2), stuck (2), spirit (2), youth (2), kid (2), attended (2), facility (2), eat (2), dying (2), card (2), choice (2), awake (2), saw (2), eye (2), makes (2), boys (2), lack (2), slightly (2), healing (2), opportunity (2), vital (2), await (2), nearing (2), obvious (2), wearing (2), letter (2), remaining (2), stress (2), reply (2), drove (2), hugged (2), giving (2), tim (2), constant (2), sisters (2), plane (2), indianapolis (2), mary (2), farm (2), whose (2), 2nd (2), grade (2), tommy (2), laughed (2), alice (2), decades (2), mentioned (2), realized (2), vowed (2), experiences (2), involving (2), semi (2), psychic (2), suffered (2), bottle (2), wine (2), halfway (2), guitar (2), begins (2), hooked (2), agonizingly (2), recliner (2), beside (2), nod (2), whisper (2), arrives (2), spectrum (2), social (2), cared (2), bag (2), wanting (2), pictures (2), maggie (2), escape (2), ask (2), healthy (2), upon (2), death (2), hung (2), bob (2), eating (2), bedroom (2), joined (2), dinner (2), approve (2), ages (2), justice (2), belonged (2), group (2), ear (2), scorekeeper (2), asks (2), devout (2), talit (2), thread (2), becoming (2), traditions (2), loving (2), concern (2), gathered (2), cemetary (2), assuring (2), cost (2), grieve (2), crap (2), leads (2), laughter (2), understandably (2), lucky (2), passing (2), six (2), surrounded (2), ill (2), elderly (2), visitors (2), ten (2), prayer (2), sob (2), inhale (2), inhales (2), rub (2), slight (2), switching (2), operate (2), button (2), distress (2), steadily (2), per (2), push (2), removed (2), prepared (2), lost (2), unable (2), partly (2), hardest (2), kaddish (2), seven (2), candle (2), shall (2), hondo (2), leisure (2), falling (2), national (2), stopped (2), 33rd (2), insist (2), jody (2), bet (2), sock (2), south (2), skip (2), prairie, companion, leaguers, daily, unc, official, sites, mlb, rumors, soxaholics, canada, mighty, quinn, pinstripe, territory, 2007, february, march, june, july, archive, complete, profile, southern, subscribe, atom, mainly, mint, gum, ventured, roller, coaster, uncertainty, fear, happening, adventures, relating, experienced, regard, anonymous, writer, condensed, gives, satan, lay, powerful, balanced, universe, automatically, necessitate, term, easier, flows, placing, sentence, combative, trying, visualize, carbon, based, image, physical, condescending, rot, argument, entirely, assign, trait, vanity, eternally, angry, hateful, arrogant, vengeful, commune, eccentric, encompasses, science, allows, space, ostracizing, condemning, developing, unique, bushian, adonai, interesting, refer, illness, decides, invoke, miracle, miraculous, recoveries, equal, beneficiaries, walks, claim, belief, exists, avenues, undisputed, proof, negative, truth, departure, creeps, under, surface, suppressing, likelihood, christianity, 5775, rosh, hashana, observed, catylist, kicking, neglected, trooper, patiently, complaining, showing, resentment, towards, copious, amounts, ignored, cad, general, critical, dedicated, renew, escalated, pitch, batter, consistently, nasty, legitimate, among, backwards, severe, tardiness, participate, traditiions, principals, playoff, chatting, alds, blink, needs, calls, feverishly, goal, matters, fund, effort, shortly, swing, practices, saturdays, stat, evenings, idiot, substance, born, fell, wagon, offenses, guest, helper, extra, standpoint, everywhere, avoid, penalties, reapply, medicare, benefits, computer, screens, antique, overworked, bills, gameday, jumping, music, tunes, replying, mails, pile, upswing, paint, dry, summer, fewer, ringing, sheez, pissed, customers, recommendations, regulars, willing, kick, mess, biggest, contributor, 1st, spelling, patient, luck, tire, com, direction, mile, yard, freaking, rays, progressively, perform, blowing, talcum, irritate, swell, essentially, congregate, radiologist, disagreed, oncologist, pulmonologist, insurance, wonder, low, ordered, radiology, anticipated, properly, excruciating, pumped, beginning, affect, anxious, drift, soundly, unless, restful, popping, generate, income, clothes, charged, reunited, recounted, lengthy, relief, strangely, reacquaited, cookout, devine, providence, awoke, nap, clue, panicked, case, groggy, oriented, details, somewhat, remembered, prodding, progress, attempt, adjust, parameters, rid, damage, resolved, air, limited, resume, treatments, assumption, marker, track, reduce, effect, growth, meantime, frustrated, pursue, crafts, title, excessively, aforementioned, compounded, normally, undeniable, overwhelming, scary, defense, foreboding, perhaps, trounced, hopefully, football, singing, familiar, song, 5769, further, liitle, shana, tova, politics, unfold, barack, elected, president, united, states, independent, married, democratic, presidential, candidate, existed, ashamed, venom, spewed, jimmy, carter, america, 1980, reagan, local, admired, respected, elections, vote, ticket, bullcrap, mccain, distinctly, speech, wow, inclusive, uniting, below, underneath, parties, control, shots, doomed, black, democrat, muslim, sounding, leader, democrats, difference, candidates, kerry, cycles, administration, pushed, brink, economic, ruin, deregulation, initially, bulldoze, associates, stricter, immigration, laws, policies, liberal, degradation, fears, prejudices, seperating, factors, offer, loading, baggage, grow, teeth, generations, fellow, ethnicity, elect, gay, oriental, bound, bringing, shut, fat, traps, respective, rights, potential, roadblocks, crown, spotted, helping, boston, deserving, ranking, losses, recieve, accolade, tyrese, rice, earn, teammates, torching, sick, mere, contest, unlike, prevailed, plenty, eagles, tarheels, rakim, sanders, factor, reggie, equaled, production, vaunted, reserves, supposedly, statistic, expect, player, matching, averaged, turnover, average, slipped, beast, hansbrough, ellington, virtual, outing, attempts, arc, danny, green, treys, deon, thompson, improve, showdown, improvement, graves, greensboro, contribute, rebounds, larry, drew, bobby, frasor, lone, pointer, assist, roy, setback, tool, midweek, charleston, demon, deacons, column, consolation, proves, susceptible, hoping, contenders, surprises, happens, significantly, imminent, jeopardy, provoked, checked, ironic, 9138, weren, linens, persona, amount, dark, spells, delay, planning, believing, judge, optimistic, offering, optimism, dammit, visits, rules, spread, afterwards, comparative, prompted, function, unbelievably, frustrating, likes, garden, grandkids, someplace, steep, terms, difficult, joint, admission, oblivious, impending, outcome, ofice, tests, prescription, swelling, received, ultimate, favor, disease, fight, shown, pet, scan, outside, steam, expectancy, largely, difficulties, regiment, possibility, foregoing, effects, toxic, terrible, began, concerning, helplessly, practitioner, consult, emergency, ups, monitor, appearance, coats, unfamiliar, uniforms, overheard, whoa, scared, blessed, seemingly, core, extraordinary, aiding, addition, technology, 00am, 30am, power, attorney, protect, suppose, precarious, locked, stabilized, prod, grabbed, hearted, meal, employee, cafeteria, clemmons, snooze, mornng, killed, large, fudging, rule, became, mid, parade, wishers, improving, reopened, elated, ecstatic, length, excited, alert, alright, newspaper, description, condition, crashed, alarm, visitation, slot, convince, typing, note, finishing, rush, heard, apprehension, disbelief, tells, kill, trembling, answer, procession, assistant, pca, frowned, absolute, angels, staff, mostly, trauma, cases, genuinely, perfect, appreciative, greatest, intimidating, beeping, flashing, window, corner, unfortunately, diminish, importance, circumstances, major, likewise, theirs, describe, calling, strain, uncontrollably, loudly, sight, giant, swiveling, arms, robot, beeps, alerts, combined, terrified, steal, glances, mumble, replies, promise, woman, disappear, unexpectedly, understand, inquires, regularly, setting, undoubtably, soul, squeezing, transporting, lessen, value, connects, lasts, periods, contact, confirmed, unnatural, unthinkable, morbid, fought, anguish, introduced, senior, junior, repay, debt, buddies, inevitable, cross, dated, rebounding, longest, attached, loves, string, stammered, vaguely, spell, bar, promptly, announced, matter, awkward, acquisition, vault, craft, trips, moore, bead, shops, proficient, jewelry, watches, energy, clean, tray, busy, exhausted, amigas, classes, togethers, scrap, booking, charlotte, hangs, ironically, frown, mightily, touch, crying, heartbroken, relieved, mommy, brood, extremely, wayward, demons, ins, lenient, judgement, cleaned, split, custody, reverted, habits, winter, excuse, lawyer

Text of the page (random words):
le who are open to those ties but she has also been slightly wary of those closest to her because those are the ones that can hurt you the deepest she and april have hurt each other many times over the years and the hurt has indeed been even worse because of how strong the love is but there has always been the eventual healing of those wounds and an even stronger bond afterward for having gotten through the pain together this morning i was afraid that they might not get the opportunity they had not spoken except through some snipy letters for quite some time once again they were both claiming they were over it and ready to move on without the other one i knew better not a day went by that cathy didn t talk about april she may have been insisting she didn t need her anymore but she was still talking about her over it eh right i was afraid though that the timing of this hurt would make it impossible to repair especially now i have always stayed out of their arguments as mch as possible anyway they are both vital to my life daughter or wife that s not a choice that s hell i would usually just be mad at both of them for disrupting my life and would anxiously await the repair of the relationship this most recent time however i had been forced to choose as much as i loved april my wife of 32 years my high school sweetheart was in pain serious pain and she was nearing the end we knew it no one else really did but we did we never suspected or should i say i never suspected just how near we were we knew we were getting closer it was obvious her body was wearing out and the decline was picking up speed i had to be there for her i would get my chance someday to reconcile with april but i didn t have much time with my wife i had written april letting her know cathy was in the hospital but when i wrote the letter i did not know just how short our time remaining was taylor told me last night after they moved her to the icu that april had replied i didn t have time for that now and i told him so i told him to have her call me and if i was satisfied with that conversation she could come i was not about to allow any chance of adding stress to cathy s situation but then came saturday morning the numbness a day maybe two she said i read the letter april had written in reply and called her she was on her way to work she told me later she went right past where she works and drove straight to the hospital i m not sure she even called in she was respectful of my wishes and talked to me first i knew as soon as she spoke it was good all good i cleared out the room except for taylor and myself and even we gave them some time i can t say exactly what was said but i knew it was a lifetime s worth of apologies and whys and why nots and that it went both ways lord knows cathy contributed to their differences herself and was well aware of it and this morning just as later with timmy cathy was still completely awake and aware and they talked and cried and hugged and loved for the rest of the morning until timmy showed up then did more of the same with him she has not left the hospital since she has been in the room almost the whole time occasionally giving up her spot so that someone else can get in her husband tim has come and gone with haley but she has not left she is not in this elevator right now only because she and tay took off to get some food but they will be right back she and taylor were there when the respiratory therapist talked to me talked to us actually he talked about the lack of strength remaining in her lungs the downright tiredness because we were now in a do not resuscitate mode the drastic measures equipment there in the icu would not be needed and he could see that cathy was not going to be left alone so the constant watchful eye of the nurse there was also not needed therefore he was recommending the move back to the oncology unit it will be so much better in the room family and friends came all day to the icu but they had to share the time left had to parcel it out they made sure the kids and i got as much time as we wanted and they alternated between standing in the room and sitting in the waiting room along with standing in the hall when the waiting room got full my mom my dad my two wonderful sisters jenny and jeanine and my baby brother tom who towers over me his wife kay and jenny s husband roger cathy s sister kelly and their dad all here for the duration cathy s aunt wynn is catching a plane from indianapolis probably even as we are moving down the hall she and her daughter marty cat s cousin are due in around noon then there s that whole vast extended family sue and patsy were here all day and patsy s sister kim has been in and out talk about family cathy actually lived with them and mama foster for a while during one of those numerous rough spots with her own mom mary and starr wih whom we have shared some special new years eves in recent years just the 4 of us last year at the new farm the wonderful farm in the country where we feel as if we re right at home and we act like it too marian and wayne whose son neal has been like a brother to taylor since 2nd grade another almost other worldly connection mare and cathy can go without seeing each other for a year or so and then when they do get together it s just like they ve been together every day tommy who along with his wife tori were our dearest friends for so long tori is out of town on business but is returning early after all we re family well same as every weekend we were playing spades at one or the other of our homes into the wee hours of the mornings our kids would take baths together like the siblings they practically were then go to bed together and feign sleep while we drank and laughed they have always just treated it as though they all had 4 parents and then there s chris the other chris the male chris and his wife alice chris like patsy has known her longer than i have cathy and chris have competed for decades over whose relationship with their mother was the most dysfunctional they have loved each other like brother and sister forever it seems the first time i met chris he was actually living with cathy and her parents during one of his own rough spots platonically i might add cathy had mentioned that there was a guy an older guy who stayed there at the house i just assumed she meant you know older when i met him and realized he wasn t that much older certainly no older than someone she might date i must admit to being a bit threatened but it only took watching a little interaction between them to be reassured that this was much more of a sibling type relationship chris has been there for us more than anyone else in so many ways when we found out that cat s diagnosis was stage 4 we vowed to do some of the things we ve always wanted to even if it meant breaking the bank but some things were just out of our reach for cathy s birthday a couple of years ago chris and alice sent us on a 7 day alaskan cruise they re not wealthy or anything this was a sacrifice for them but they wanted to do it and i knew there was no point in arguing i simply vowed to do my part and saved like crazy to do some of the off ship excursions i knew cathy would want to do and to have enough spending money to relax and treat her to a week of whatever she wanted what an experience we chased whales i shot a bear with my camera of course we ate freshly caught salmon in a lodge on an uninhabited island we flew in a helicopter over the wilderness to a remote glacier where we felt as though we were on a different planet it was one of the most memorable experiences of our lives together and chris made sure it happened all through our lives together chris has been there for us in more ways than one and i know and appreciate that when cathy and i did have our own rough spots he was there for her i know he is hurting almost as badly as i am right now there are also several people who are here in spirit if not in body her best friend from 7th grade on carol who is dealing with a crisis of her own involving children and grandchildren and exes in rock hill in august when things had been a little calmer at home carol had come up and spent two nights at the hospital with cathy so i could have a weekend of semi normalcy with gage what a blessing that was carol has this almost psychic no not almost just psychic connection with cathy i cannot even begin to relate how many times over the years i would hear the words i ve been thinking i need to call carol only to hear the phone ring a few momnts later and there was carol and this might happen after they hadn t spoken in a year or more our dear friends jan and pat who are in florida at this very moment tending to pat s father who suffered a stroke on thursday night they were going to come up to the hospital on friday night with a bottle of wine just as they had done back in august let s make the best of a bad situation they said and so we did but when i called on friday afternoon to tell them of the move to the icu which would put a damper on those plans for a repeat i found them in a state of near panic halfway to tampa bay i hope things are going a little better for them than they are here rabbis mark and josh have been here on and off all day last night rabbi mark brought his guitar into the icu and sang some prayers right there in the damn icu at the time i believe it was just taylor patsy sue and myself he sang several of the traditional shabbat prayers including the birchot havdallah that begins with a beautiful lilting melody and no words lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai i ve always had a hard time keeping the lump out of my throat when he plays that one now it won t even be possible i ll just blubber like a baby every time as he was leaving i believe it was sue who told him that even though she didn t know a word of the hebrew he had sung the prayers in she still seemed to know what was being said and it meant every bit as much as anything that could have been said in english at least now we are going to a place where i and the kids can spend the night there by her side given the prognosis they had let us stay in the icu room later than they were supposed to but i was sure they were going to send us packing any minute we were thrilled when around midnight they instead told us that a room had come open and they would be taking her up as soon as it was prepped i could not have beared the thought of leaving her again tonight and not knowing what was going on in that room while i was not there with her i m leading us now down the hall to 9144 just a few doors down from our old haunt they had to take her off of the bi pac unit for transport they have a standard face mask hooked to an oxygen tank on the bed but her breathing is getting very hard agonizingly hard the nurses are stressing which makes me stress i don t like their tone and mannerisms they are not reassuring but we get to the room and a couple of the floor nurses help shift her onto the bed the respiratory guy does his thing and she drifts back to a good place pulse ox comes back up to upper 90s heart rate goes down within an hour i m asleep in the recliner chair stretched out right beside her bed april is sacked out in the pull out chair at my feet and taylor and dana are huddled on a cot the nurse brought in it probably wouldn t pass muster with the fire deptartment but we are cozy together and as close as possible to the one we love it s tuesday night now a little over a week has passed it s been so hard to find the time to spill these thoughts my family and friends have made absolutely certain that i have had constant distractions dinner with my sister jeanine and her two precious adopted little girls tonight spending the night with jan and pat and several yes several bottles of wine last night and on and on i had gage here for the first time saturday night there were some tough moments but it ended up well it helped that his uncle taylor and aunt april were here and april brought haley the love of his life after his dee of course today was the toughest day yet i hope it s not a trend i nearly lost it several times and felt all day like i was just hanging by a thread thank the stars above for all the support i have i m sure not everyone is so fortunate sunday january 11 2009 approximately 9 00 pm i m feeling numb again there is an acceptance growing within me that i felt i might never be able to attain but at the same time it feels as though it s been there for a long time there are only a few of us in here right now and the room has quieted down a lot so i m having a reflective moment saturday morning at 10 45 seems like an eternity ago right now but at the same time it feels like i just found out there just hasn t been enough time there is so much more to do it is obvious now that we are on the final leg of her journey it is a blessing that there has been enough time to allow almost everyone who meant the most in her life to come and see her and talk to her and to do so while she was able to acknowledge their presence and sometimes even converse back although that ability has slowly lessened over the course of the day since early afternoon she has rarely been able to do more than smile slightly and nod and maybe whisper a word or two but the smile and the nod say mountains it is enough to know that she understands what is being said and is thankful that you are there and saying it i have sat at her side most of the day occasionally i have gotten up and moved so someone else could sit in the best seat the recliner right at her head especially if someone new arrives and arrive they have wynn and marty got in this afternoon around noon and have been here ever since wynn is the favorite aunt and marty is her daughter ok wynn is the only aunt but she would be the favorite regardless wynn and cathy are at opposite ends of the political spectrum as well as the religious and most of the social spectrum yet they share bonds and memories from cathy s childhood that surpass all of that marty relates in the room how cathy and she used to sneak out to smoke cathy s very best memories from childhood are of the times in highlands with her own dee that was her grandmother and her aunt wynn she relished every opportunity to return there and wished nothing more than to share that beautiful place with everyone she cared about often she would pack a bag grab a friend and say goodbye for a day or two just to go do that that was a sure sign she really cared about you she had talked for a long time of wanting to be able to take gage there when he was old enough to remember just a few weeks ago after thanksgiving we made the trip up it was cold but beautiful i think maybe she knew she had better not chance waiting until spring when i poo pooed that thought she said well we can certainly go again in the spring if i m...