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Text of the page (random words):
ounded by what you d call colorful characters i met people like the woman at an sro hotel who said she was raped annually by space aliens i met mr templeman a wiry little combative drunk with a steel plate in his head he liked to smack himself on the forehead every time he appeared in court exclaiming to the judge they took part of my brain your honor in 24 years i only got hit in the face hard one time and that was by a naked woman standing on a basketball court she announced that she was wonder woman right before she slugged me and then sang romanian marching songs as she pissed all over the back seat of my squad car police work was a would be writer s gold mine in addition to the criminals dope fiends and crazy people i met i had interesting coworkers officers with nicknames like biscuit and claybrains one particularly short and unattractive officer who smelled of cigarettes and old coffee was a degenerate skirt chaser we called him the tripod there were coworkers almost always supervisors or command staff who clearly showed signs of diagnosable mental illness i m not talking about the depression paranoia and alcoholism that one usually associates with a career in policing i m talking about frightening bipolar mood swings that earned one commander the nickname prozac then there was this one deputy chief who well wait now that i have a captive audience please indulge me for a moment and allow me to read a rejected six sentences piece that i wrote a few years ago i called this heavy tommy got where he was because he was heavy not fat heavy mind you but clout heavy his old man was a buddy of the mayor and the mayor was nothing if not loyal so tommy had a job at the department that didn t demand much he always would too even if he didn t have what it took to get on the job he could always answer a phone or press a transmit button tommy was pretty happy with his job until one day when he walked into the men s room off the lobby the deputy chief whose office was nearby was standing there pants down around his thighs vigorously washing his scrotum in the sink tommy stood frozen briefly just inside the doorway as they made eye contact and for a moment tommy wished he d never had any clout at all now this brings me to the whole cock blocked by non disclosure part i was enjoying my blog and spouting off on twitter i got promoted to commander and a condition of the promotion was that i stop blogging for chicago now since blogging doesn t really add much to the pension i happily agreed i kept notes eagerly awaiting the opportunity to return to some public forum in the future then i retired i retired from policing and took another job with a government agency which i will not and must not name here i signed a bunch of non disclosure and confidentiality agreements and i went to work with lawyers very serious lawyers yeah i worked on a murder task force for three years and i guess it was just assumed that i d have the sense not to reveal sensitive information now i do what are called administrative investigations i don t carry a gun no one gets arrested and our investigations result not in indictments but in strongly worded recommendations but by god i will not discuss these matters let me say this in the environment i work in now i am without a doubt surrounded by the most professional best educated coworkers i ve ever worked with it s a reasonably pleasant place devoid of bad smells and body fluids and people screaming at one another i have a cubicle it is killing me to illustrate a key difference in my circumstances the place where i used to work promoted a man who thought it was completely acceptable during business hours to drop trou and scrub his turkey neck in the sink of a public bathroom now i work with people who without a trace of humor argue whether it s correct to use fax or facsimile in a report it is dry in my past life i may have been surrounded by maniacs thugs and oddballs but there were always a lot of laughs now not so much i ve taken to using the word lawyer as a verb someone will ask me hey has your report been approved yet i ll answer naw it s still getting lawyered as in there s a bunch of lawyers reading it sending drafts of it back and forth until all the multi colored tracked changes make it look like the world s most linear and punctilious spirograph remember in 1998 when bill clinton was president and he had to testify to a grand jury about monica lewinsky clinton famously replied to one question quote it depends on what the meaning of the word is is at the time i remember thinking slick willie indeed now i m like yeah that my friends is a lawyer i have experienced lengthy earnest discussions as to whether a truck should be described as lime green neon yellow lime yellow or osha safety green to my mind the most important question why does this fucking matter in the first place remains unasked in another instance an attorney asked if a job title used a one with a number or a one with a roman numeral different documents used the two titles interchangeably and at least a half hour was spent discussing how we would address this issue in our own reports so as to remain consistent i m waiting to see how this one plays out by the way in case you re wondering yes i am in fact beating up on lawyers why because lawyers are the only occupation easier to beat up on than cops oh and there are emails good lord the emails when i was struggling with writing this i briefly considered simply using a series of official emails verbatim that would have been a brutal experience for all of us our break room microwave has been the subject of more than one scolding email from a high ranking attorney dear staff whoever left 2 09 minutes on the microwave after heating their lunch which had some sort of red tomato or spaghetti sauce also left the microwave caked with red sauce we are all adults here who have or should have at least once cleaned up after themselves this office is not your home please be respectful of other staff and clean up your mess dear staff i would like the next person who needs to use the agency microwave to clean it first then any future users who use it should make sure it is clean after they use it the building crew and staff are not responsible for cleaning out our microwave and despite my asking staff keep it clean staff continues to use and leave it filthy that is very unprofessional and unacceptable those who regularly use the microwave please be sure to print out this email if you believe you might forget to clean out the microwave after you use it today tomorrow and anytime in the future there are office security issues i have redacted certain parts to comply with to the best of my ability my non disclosure requirements would the staff member who left room redacted open today please stop by my office it was open unlocked and unattended at 2 50 pm although i m not sure for how long dear staff i will wait until redacted to allow the staff person who left the door to room redacted unlocked and unsecure around 2 pm last friday redacted to stop by my office if the responsible staff does not stop by we will be making changes to how staff access room redacted evidently the author of the email was the only person in the office who did not know that the door to room redacted could be opened at any time by slipping the lock with an id card changes to staff access have been made and the door to room redacted now has extra locks and is finally secure so now what occasionally i think about writing again i get home after a full day of staring at a computer screen scrolling through hundreds of pages of badly scanned documents writing endless reports and emails and memoranda for now it s easier to pop open a beer and dream about the future by this time next year i aim to be gone from here surrounded by fresh air hillbillies and farm animals i believe writing will wait until then posted by joe at 10 11 pm 2 comments saturday april 20 2013 my first prostitute this summary is not available please click here to view the post posted by joe at 5 20 pm 8 comments sunday april 01 2012 thank you and god bless you all well this is a difficult post to write i m so full of love for all of you right now bursting with it and have so many things that i want to say but i ll try and make this brief 5 years 11 months and 25 days ago i started a blog to have some fun reach out to people and entertain myself along the way i landed a blogging gig with chicagonow and even got on the radio a few times it s been a blast and i can t thank you guys enough for reading commenting and re tweeting over the years lately though i ve felt something missing in my life i realized that too much of my time and energy was being spent in what was ultimately a rather shallow series of clown jokes stories about weenie wavers and self satisfied crowing about how much i ate and drank i ve also become less satisfied with my career as a law enforcement officer for some time now i ve spent hours thinking about how i could better live a life of service compared to the well paid and complacent civil servant s life i now lead i have wrestled with both demons and lincoln s better angels of my nature and i have made a decision a trip down south affected me in a profound and i hope lasting way this is my last blog post i have taken a leave of absence from my job pending my retirement i have purchased a used dodge minivan and converted it to a makeshift camper i had hoped to buy a mobile home in which to travel the shining gospel way but it didn t work out on monday i will be driving south to new orleans where i will be joining a recently formed street ministry the good news living statue ministry i ran into some of these folks during a trip to new orleans as several of them acted out the stations of the cross around jackson square as i stumbled out of a nearby daiquiri stand and crashed into one of the soldiers scourging the christ i felt a profound sense of disorientation and longing and knew i d been truly touched the gnlsm ministers mostly to gutter punks street performers and tourists in the french quarter they do so mainly by acting out various gospel passages while spray painted gold or silver in the manner of many new orleans street performers i was moved by the depth and intensity of their devotion to the gospel as well as to the art of living statue performance they are truly godly people and other than a brief but ugly confrontation with a group of traveling clowns for christ i have found them to be beyond reproach i have signed on to act as a fry cook and go fer for the troupe until i learn the ropes as a living statue and new testament reenactor my beautiful wife and children while not fully comprehending my decision are nevertheless pretty much supportive of it they will remain here performing earthly duties such as bill payment and home maintenance while i carry out god s work down south they are my rock please pray for me as i will for all of you god bless you all posted by joe at 3 56 pm 5 comments labels april 1 making your midlife crisis work for you new orleans monday february 27 2012 boo from my new favorite website crappy taxidermy enjoy kids posted by joe at 2 14 pm 1 comment labels creepy grotesque hilarity time waster monday may 30 2011 memorial day is there for a reason greater love has no man than this that a man lay down his life for his friends john 15 13 that damned hero stuff is a bunch crap i guess you gotta understand that there s all kinds of heroes but they never get a chance to be in a hero s position john william finn was the nation s oldest living medal of honor winner he died on may 27 2010 one of my regular beefs which my wife and kids have long since tired of hearing is this holidays like memorial day and veteran s day exist for a reason it s not just a day off school or work or an occasion to picnic for years i have felt that our schools don t do a good job of teaching the history of the holiday or imparting the proper sense of respect memorial day in particular gets watered down into a broad hazy day of remembrance people need to understand that memorial day exists for the sole purpose of honoring our war dead there are many of them since november 2001 more than 209 illinois citizens have died in combat they came from all over the state from varying backgrounds men and women alike what they all have in common is that they died in our service and they are deserving of our deepest gratitude and respect memorial day was originally called decoration day and was first observed on may 30 1868 it was first officially proclaimed by commander of the grand army of the republic general john a logan yes that s the same logan that logan square and logan boulevard are named after every year since 2000 there is a national moment of remembrance at 3pm it s a good time to observe a moment of silence or say a short prayer both for our fallen and for the families they left behind if you want to be deeply humbled or inspired visit the website for the congressional medal of honor and read some of the citations for everyone who serves or who has served and to the families of all those men and women i say thank you posted by joe at 10 40 am 4 comments labels heroism john logan loss memorial day memorial day weekend mourning saturday may 28 2011 law enforcement quote of the week naked dump truck edition it s a tense situation when someone enters your home in a one ton dump truck south berwick maine police chief dana lajoie referring to an incident in which 24 year old eli t hutchins crashed his ford pickup truck into a condominium naked according to this story mr hutchins drove over lawns and driveways until he hit the structure after leaving another unit in the complex this brief piece from upi com gives us a little more insight reporting that mr hutchins left a nearby party after getting into a fight before embarking on his naked drive during the fight reportedly started by hutchins he was struck in the head with a hammer alcohol was involved posted by joe at 3 14 pm 6 comments labels driving while naked drunks law enforcement quote of the week sunday may 22 2011 return of the sunday afternoon cocktail probably the most deliciously difficult thing about today s sunday afternoon cocktail was sipping through the two or three variations my bride went through before settling on her final version first it was a bit too much blueberry schnapps then it was the unfortunate inky appearance that the muddled blueberries imparted lucky for me she worked it out and here we are the blue moon of kentucky cocktail serves 2 in a cocktail shaker or large glass measuring cup muddle ½ cup of blueberries with a ¼ cup of triple sec a tablespoon of lemon juice let sit for 15 minutes at least add 1 ½ oz of blueberry schnapps dekuyper add 1 3 cup bourbon strain pour over ice in a tall glass garnish with fresh blueberries and lemon peel posted by joe at 11 07 pm 4...