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ghter just 8 months ago that we along with all our children are still processing heck just save a wing for us i m headed home to get the entire family and bring them back we all need a stay here i didn t say that but i wanted to in response to the look the young worker gave me as she put her pencil down and looked up at me and said wow that is a lot of trauma it is amazing you are still standing and so that almost exact dialogue would play out with each professional we would talk to over the next few hours finally leaving the hospital exhausted and defeated in the wee hours of the morning the next day we would return for visitation and family therapy family therapy would consist of much the same thing i am a professional who trains parents in trauma informed care there is not much the 20 something young ladies sitting across from me are going to provide me in a professional setting that i do not already know the one thing i asked for each time was i need providers i need a good therapist i need a good psychiatrist in her defense i am sure she was trying to make me feel better but continually being told that you have a lot on your plate while your family is in crisis makes it hard to not start questioning if you really are enough each session was the same the look of pity mixed with judgement a list of possible resources that in the end either did not take my insurance or had no openings or would require over an hour drive one way each week you are the one who just told me i have a lot on my plate what makes you think i can add a four hour therapy trip per week to that plate we discharge without clear answers but determined parents i take off work because it is the first week of summer and that transition from school to summer is always a hard one for our kids i know this because i have lived with them for the last 6 17 years i did not read that in a book about my children so when talking to me about my child please listen to know that i do have some insight that i am giving you that is unique to my family and will not be found in any book you read in college or since we set our schedule and have a better rhythm than we have ever started summer with but before the week is up we are back in the hospital this time there is not a bed and i am literally in the hospital with my child for 24 hours before they are able to admit her i have been fighting an upper respiratory infection for 10 days i am physically emotionally and spiritually exhausted but i am smiling and playing uno with my child because that is what my child needs from me i am doing it because i am enough with this 7 day stay we had two different family therapists the first one told us not to do what the one from our last stay had told us to do yes we were in the same facility yes we are in crisis yes i was frustrated please be sure all of you on the same treatment team are consistent make sure you have inner team communication it is vital for the mental health of parents and caregivers the second family therapist we had and if you are counting closely this is actually our third family therapist in three weeks in the same program was very helpful and truly tried her best she gave us some helpful resources and even some practical tools however each visit she talked about how we just had so many kids and the chaos of so many kids was just not good for this child again and again i had to hear how my home was just not providing the right atmosphere i am a professional i have to tell families the same things sometimes so i get it and i tried very hard to hear what she was saying without taking it personally but hearing it time and again knowing i had taken off work i had put structure in place more than ever before yet i was told at each visit that i had missed the mark i was told each time that by the very nature and structure of my family i would never be enough fast forward 6 more days my child is home we are implementing the plan we put in place at discharge well not exactly because we were told there was transportation that actually ended up not being a thing so i am driving three hours a day to get my child to and from a program as an intensive outpatient program i am doing this while still trying to meet the emotional needs of all my other children as well at this point i am beyond exhausted i am beginning to hear the voice of the therapist in my head again with that many kids and what exactly do i do about that many kids now would you like to take some home to see if you can do a better job would you like to hire a full time nanny in order to help ease some of the load and provide another adult to give care there are still 7 000 kids just in texas who have no family this child could still be one of them but instead this child has a family who is working to help and provide and love and nurture can i do it how do i sustain this long term can i provide all my kids need i open the door to grab my calendar to schedule one more appointment and this cup falls out ironically it is from our mother s day sermon at church just a few weeks ago i can t see all the words but i know what it says you are enough the cup blurs through the tears as i bend over to pick it up right there in the parking lot i am reminded that i am enough all am i am asking is that in a field where you are trained to provide mental health awareness and care make sure you are giving a stronger message than the cups falling out of cars take into consideration the mental health of the person you are talking to as well as the patient can you remember that none of us live in a perfect world can you hear our stories i mean really listen and not simply put us into cookie cutter check the box forms if you could it would mean the world to me because to my child i am her world and i while i am not perfect i am enough if you could just do as a mental health professional what a cup rolling out of my car was able to do this mother would be ever so grateful sincerely one weary momma of a precious child with mental health struggles 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels adoption mental health older child adoption post adopt wednesday december 12 2018 why we are not praying for healing for ava before i share my heart on how god has told us to pray for ava let me make one thing very clear i do not believe in anyway that diseases cancer addiction pneumonia depression etc is sent by god it is against his character i do believe he can heal anything he wants to in an instant or however he chooses he is all powerful all mighty all knowing all loving and sovereign these things were settled in my soul and spirit long before the news of ava s latest diagnosis was presented we prayed for healing of ava in the beginning when we received the diagnosis of dystonia we stood on all the scriptures and promises for healing yet every two to three years we would find out she was not healed of that diagnosis and in fact had more going on it wasn t until 2015 when we received the genetic disorder diagnosis that god started working in me to understand his plans for and through ava i have written before about how god used a friend s baby with spina bifida to challenge my worldly view of healthy baby that is a word that is defined on earthly terms yet i wrestled with how this precious baby who by all earthly standards was very sick and not perfect was knit in the womb that way it s times like this that i have to stop and wrestle with what my earthly mind has reconciled with the truth of the word in my early years i would wrestle to make scriptures line up with my earthly circumstances it wouldn t be until the last 7 or so years that i have learned to stop and make the earthly circumstances line up with the truth of the word so when god said that this friend s precious baby was fearfully and wonderfully made as he knit her in her mother s womb psalm 119 i had to realize that truth is either false or it is true for every baby let me stop here and add that there are things that happen in the womb due to a fallen world that greatly affect babies like drugs alcohol etc and those things are not from god and grieve him as much as they grieve us i also want to add that i do not know enough medically about spina bifida to know if it s genetic or not it was just one of the first incidents that god used to challenge my earthly thinking against a heavenly principle when doctors suggested that we start genetic testing on ava four years ago it opened a whole new dilemma for me in my thinking with ava i have known from the beginning that ava is precious and was sent by heaven with a special purpose i mean really all kids are but i don t know that i was really aware of that in my youth when ava was born but even in my lack of seasoned knowledge i felt it in my spirit with her she was not planned by us in fact we had tried to prevent her if you catch what i am throwing but god s plans cannot be thwarted by man and thank god they can t my pregnancy with ava was a gift from the beginning it would come in the middle of our failed adoption of eden and it was assurance that i took care of myself in what at the time was a season of grief like none i had ever experienced in my life depression could have easily overtaken me except there was a life growing and forming inside me that only i could protect that is what kept me going many of those days ava was a perfect baby she smiled easily and had that light you see in her now from day one there was no doubt that she was fearfully and wonderfully made she was kind of the poster baby for psalm 119 even when doctors said something wasn t quite right i knew she was perfect what i didn t know was the lesson god was already teaching me ava was one of those kids who never needed much redirection she was very compliant and only needed a semi strong tone and a look of disapproval to stop any misbehavior and even those mild corrections would break her heart in our early years of parenting we spanked as our go to consequence but i never spanked ava i never had to her sweet spirit was there and shining from day one so how could it be that a thread in the knitting together of her will cause devastation in our earthly terms we call this a genetic disorder disorder is defined by webster as an abnormal physical or mental condition abnormal in earthly terms then ava is abnormal simply because our earthly definition of normal is to compare to each other the majority defines normal right but scripture is clear that god compares us to no one he creates each of us as individuals carefully designed uniquely gifted and wonderfully made each characteristic each gifting each talent each one is given to us for our purpose in god s kingdom during our time here on earth with that as our standard abnormal does not exist by that standard god s standard ava does not have a genetic disorder at all she has a special gifting that god is using for his kingdom purposes his ways are not our ways his word is clear that we with our human minds cannot fathom all he plans and purposes in his sovereignty my standard is what god says my truth is settled in heaven ava s truth is settled in heaven therefore we do not believe that she has a disorder to be healed we see god s love and glory shining in her daily in ways most christians never allow her love of people her carefree attitude her determination those are all on that same dna that we in the world want to say is flawed simply because she will not follow a pattern this world has determined to be normal i have been in study and prayer since god made clear praying for healing this side of heaven is not what we are to do it is not a popular sentiment among spirit filled believers i get that and i will never stop someone from praying for healing for her i just don t believe it is in line with what god wills psalm 37 says it perfectly keep trusting in the lord and do what is right in his eyes fix your heart on the promises of god and you will be secure feasting on his faithfulness make god the utmost delight and pleasure of your life and he will provide for you what you desire the most 5 give god the right to direct your life you ll find he pulled it off perfectly he will appear as your righteousness he will manifest as your justice as sure and strong as the noonday sun quiet your heart in his presence and pray keep hope alive as you long for god to come through for you and as you trust him along the way as sure as the dawning of a new day i firml y believe when we make god our utmost delight he gives us his will to pray and in that way he can and will provide what we desire the most for ava i desire that she not suffer i believe god desires that too i desire that she not be afraid i believe god desires that too we don t pray for healing this side of heaven but we do ask god to keep her whole honestly my prayer is simply keep her the way she is now or take her home to not see the light in her eyes shining from her soul would be more devastating than telling her goodbye i can say that because when the time comes we will not mourn as those without hope when she sees her savior face to face she will be rejoicing no fear no anxiety no worries no heart racing no drooling just dancing and rejoicing two of her favorite things why would i want to keep her from that i had been praying for a scripture to back up what i felt god was saying that s a pretty good practice always god will never tell you something that contradicts his word it was during a church service on brokenness that a dear woman who had lived with heart issues since birth and is now the recipient of a donor heart shared a verse i had read many times but as so often happens with god s word it was new for me in light of our current journey it is luke 9 1 5 as he went along he saw a man blind from birth his disciples asked him rabbi who sinned this man or his parents that he was born blind neither this man nor his parents sinned said jesus but this happened so that the works of god might be displayed in him as long as it is day we must do the works of him who sent me night is coming when no one can work while i am in the world i am the light of the world that is why we are not praying for healing for ava because we believe he has spoken very specifically that ava is how she is to point others to him jesus does go on to heal the blind man and praise god if he decides to do that of ava but even if not we know ava s diagnosis is not evil we know how she is made is from god and he will be glorified in it no matter the outcome we have an army of people praying for ava and we are so grateful truly the outpouring of love for ava and our family has been a sustaining arm in this journey we continue to ask god to use this journey to show his glory to those around us ava has done that her entire life and we believe that is the purpose of this journey we are on not to pray healing over her but to point others t...