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Text of the page (random words):
and you may ask yourself well how did i get here and you may ask yourself well how did i get here here are my thoughts about my husband s untimely death our memories and my life now maybe people will smile maybe laugh and maybe cry a little copyright 2008 2015 all rights reserved sunday july 19 2015 new grief as a small child i dreamt of growing up i read the books i watched the movies i heard what the adults said i had expectations based on what i thought normal adult life would be i was to graduate high school i would go directly go college and graduate in four years i would have a great job shortly after college i would marry my one and only true love soulmate we would buy a house we would have kids i would have mommy friends we would have family vacations we would have neighbors who wanted to befriend us we would have couples to go out do things with i started this blog because my life was not normal it did not go according to the script i did graduate high school and then the script was ripped into a million tiny pieces burned and then thrown into the wind college took much longer than expected i married and then widowed six months later getting a great job took much longer and there is not just one soulmate thankfully then something happened and i tried to compartmentalize and not share a new struggle on this blog a new type of grief a new loss of plans a new loss of dreams and eventually what seems a loss of friendship mr x and i have been trying for over three years to have our kiddos three very long years we are at our final stop after many rounds at various levels of fertility treatments one more last shot one more try at ivf in a few months it s really about a 50 50 shot this will work this time so all those parenting plans all those potential baby names all those dreams of our ideal family all those plans of family vacations all the things we have already done for the when we have kids but then you get to the other parts of grief in this journey the loss of other unexpected things mr x and i are not always invited to birthdays both adult and children s birthdays cause who wants to invite the childless odd couple right we are not always included in outings with other couples we are told you don t understand you don t have kids or wait till you have kids or i have other priorities jabs and stabs over and over and over again our friends move to a land and culture we are not invited to we are not given the choice to opt out we are ousted maybe we will be able to join the baby cult eventually and maybe we won t it is not our choice but the grief goes on posted by star at 10 49 pm 2 comments labels baby forward friends grief lonely now pain sunday march 23 2014 help my friend yesterday my friend and former roommate lost her husband he had a rare type of cancer that jennifer fought so hard to help find a cure she is young with a young daughter many of you know how hard this journey is many of you know of the cost of the first few weeks and the uncertainty of it any thing you can do will help if you can t help personally send to someone who can help if you can http www youcaring com fundraiser widget aspx frid 153977 posted by star at 8 20 pm 0 comments labels friends grief now others monday september 2 2013 selling your house i did not imagine it would be this hard after every thing else this month it has been a headache and at times a body ache it has been stressful and work and a money suck but i am in the process of selling the rental it was always the plan to sell it sooner than later actually it was actually not the plan to rent it but the market crashed and we had no choice and now the market is on its way back up your neighborhood is hot right now people want to live there the sell process has been going to so smooth thanks so much to our friend s help it will all be done in almost a month timespan it is going to a young couple who i know will love the house as you did but alas i am a bit emotional at it not being mine maybe its normal to be a bit sad at selling a house maybe it s not just a grief thing i keep thinking of the first time i was in the house getting stuck at the gate the way i wouldn t let you hold my hand closest to you there was a scab on my hand so i made you hold my other hand i think about the time you gave me a key to your house i was waking up from a nap and instead of leaving i had a key to leave when i wanted the silly fights i started because i was scared of getting close to you i remember when i proposed watching you from the patio move from room to room flipping on all the lights and then your face when you saw me on the patio i think about our parties halloween july 4th watching tv together your big pile of clothes in the guest room our bright yellow thankfully temporary bedroom wall your attempt to match the color of the front door putting up the new light fixture in the dining room six times till you got it right so many memories i hope to find some time in the next few weeks to just be there maybe you ll join me for one last time posted by star at 3 05 pm 0 comments labels estate grief house now pain past roger sunday march 10 2013 why five years was hard sigh i am so glad to see march flip onto the calendar february was so so until about the 18th of february my fifth would be wedding anniversary was quickly approaching and why was it so hard for me oh so many reasons first the anniversary was on the same day of the week saturday with each passing day i could remember on this day we did x on this day we did y it was too eerie i felt like the days just ticked by and the memories flooded second roger and i were always making plans we had ten year plans and of course five year plans now that i was at one of our marks just hurt especially since we were on the fence about having kids leaning toward no we said at our fifth anniversary we would make the decision for sure and now that i am mostly on board for having kids it just feels weird third looking at how different my life is from then i know no matter what my life would have changed my life has changed over the last year but looking at our friends our family then and then looking at it now it makes me sad to have lost so many people for various reasons in some ways my life is now is better like my job and deeper friendships but i miss some of those old ones especially when reading the first year of this blog the actual day itself was fine the days before not so much but on february 23rd i kept myself very very busy did not let myself think too much i did find myself not being able to remember my thoughts mid sentence walking into rooms with no idea why i was there but alas i survived as always i survived posted by star at 4 12 pm 2 comments labels anniversary baby family forward friends grief now pain roger friday january 18 2013 living through hell one of my former roommates from when i lived in new york city is going through her own sort of hell she asked me to guest blog on her blog check out her blog and show her some support as many of you did me it was an interesting experience to look back at those first months needs here is a link to my post advice of what to say do posted by star at 12 43 am 0 comments labels friends grief now past sunday january 6 2013 dear daddy over the last few days there has been a countdown putting me in a funk and way down low my dad s death anniversary until reaching today two years i cannot believe it has been so long without you although i have gone longer years without you before realizing how much i loved you how much you loved me how much i needed you before i realized just how much i am like you the way we sit our allergy to conifers our nomadic tendencies our aversion to being too still our addictions our curls and our eyes i still do not understand what happened that morning why would you how could you with no warning with no final goodbye you lived through heartaches before profound losses struggling through life and you rolled with the punches but yet in ways i understand it seemed easy for you to be be released to be done no more thinking no more emotions no more heartaches no more tears at least for you my dear daddy i miss you i love you posted by star at 8 52 pm 0 comments labels anniversary family grief now pain wednesday august 22 2012 sigh sleep has been escaping me the last few days and this year it is not due to the first days of school so i am grumpy and tired a few nights ago i had a somewhat disturbing dream part of the dream i have about every other month i will describe that part of the dream first when i first moved out of my parents house i moved in with my boyfriend of the time one time and only one time when we broke up i moved back home for about forty eight hours it was not a terrible experience but some reason i am terrified the possibility of this occurring again t e r r i f i e d so i dream of it at least every other month and in the dream for a weird variety of reasons i wake up immediately and i am relieved that i am actually at my own place and i do not need to move back home or pack or find a new place to live well a few nights ago i dreamt i had to move home again but this time it was because roger and i were getting divorced i was so upset because it was my second marriage i have no idea who i married the first time my sister was living at home too we were back to sharing a room she was helping me pack also i can never find all my stuff during this reoccurring dream which is frustrating as hell in this particular dream another ex boyfriend of mine was helping me find a new place it was very strange but roger was alive and he looked good but he would not talk to me i woke up in a panic then last night i could not help but think of the shirt roger wore august 21 2008 i still have it it hangs in my closet i have never worn it although it has been washed once after he died boo on me i remember him coming home from the rental house it had been pouring from tropical storm fay i had just straightened my hair chemically for the first time i remember where i was sitting on the sofa i remember roger just standing there after driving in pouring rain he was frustrated with driving i smiled at him trying to get him to notice my new hair less than ten hours later my heartache begin and prayers went unanswered posted by star at 11 25 pm 0 comments labels accident anniversary disbelief dream grief pain past roger sleep older posts home subscribe to posts atom facebook badge and you may ask yourself well how did i get here promote your page too about me star orlando florida united states i am a young widow but that isn t all i am i am a photographer teacher cat owner traveler remarried widow and many more things to come this blog is about the discovery of widow ness what that means and all the adventures post loss i was married to my best friend and lost him on august 28 2008 after only six months of marriage i am starting to piece together my life with the continuous support of my friends and the infamous mr x to figure out who i am without letting widowhood define me http rogerandstar googlepages com ourstory view my complete profile my blog list growth of a sprout crash course widow fresh widow aartipaarti inward renewal multiple baby pileup the baby blog more than life itself widow wise through my lens the adventures of goober grape monkey man bake cake and run edamames in a pod praying with one eye open cook like a champion matt liz and madeline soaring spirits loss foundation deborah toole photography split second single father labels accident angry anniversary baby car cats court dating death disbelief dream estate family forward friends funeral funny god good grief guilt holiday house job living lonely love married money new me now others pain paranoia past photos roger school sex sleep television therapy travel wedding weird widow dating widow wedding work my fans blog archive 2015 1 july 1 new grief 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