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ents take place in a tim burton esque working class tenement block as an alien spider slowly grows in size and potential danger after being adopted by a lonely child as a pet maybe a bit meat and potatoes for some viewers but if you re indulgent there s plenty to like october 17th wrong turn is not the film i thought it would be as i thought it was a film about horny teens being driven off the road by highway robbers or something but the premise is far more whack a doodle than that centring on the murderous intentions of a family of deformed mutant hillbilly cannibals who are more akin to goblins than anything else having said that it s all very straight faced stuff despite its audacious premise but well made and performed having seen it once i don t see any need to revisit it ever again why yes this is a setup for me watching every film in the series why do you ask october 18th wrong turn 2 features a bit where an inbred hillbilly teenager jacks off while watching a topless sunbather so his sister becomes jealous of the sunbather and murders her with a knife and cuts her face off then the hillbilly sister wears it while she has sex with her brother this sequel looks abominably cheap and thrown together compared to the first movie but dang it there is just something oddly affecting by how hard it tries to be gross it just puts in the effort to be genuinely disgusting and i respect that telling the story of a reality tv show just in case you forget it was the mid 2000s that gets hijacked by a hillbilly murder rampage the film becomes an exaggerated metaphor for the tensions between urban and rural america with privileged city dwellers out of their element and unprepared to face the brutal realities of the rural impoverished settings they stumble into the rural hillbilly killers representing a grotesque inversion of the american dream living outside the law and social norms but also some people get totally mashed up in a meat grinder it s pretty rad if you like that sort of thing really cheap looking but like i say it puts the effort in october 20th wrong turn 3 is even cheaper looking than the last entry in the series and the law of diminishing returns is definitely kicking in with the flesh eating hillbillies turning their attentions to a bus load of escaped convicts and their hostages it s kinda sucky to be honest and even the odd moment of inventive gore can t hold the attention during what is pretty much just some stock characters titting about in the woods at night wrong turn 4 sees the series smash the reboot button with a prequel set in a remote insane asylum where some horny teens seek refuge from a snowstorm predictable but has a funny ending that is likely not worth sitting through the rest of the film to see october 21st wrong turn 5 chugs around and i swear these films look cheaper with every new instalment with this one being shot on what looks suspiciously like the set used to shoot multiple tv dramas set in small town america and it even features at least one member of the hollyoaks cast the woman playing the sheriff was a noted shakespearian actress before taking this job so i can only conclude the wrong turn the title alludes to in this instalment is her career choices after she left the stage this one sucks ass outright and i didn t like it at all with a whole bunch of plot threads and elements introduced that go nowhere with several characters just disappearing from the movie in the second act wrong turn 6 i can t tell if this is another prequel or a reboot but either way it sucks the hillbilly cannibals are now working in a remote hotel and incest as a plot point is back on the table just not in a fun way like it was in wrong turn 2 this really is the lowest point of the series and has pretty much nothing to redeem it they could have maybe done something about the inherent class tension in the premise of evil hillbillies within the context of the posh hotel and the stock trader protagonists but they give us nothing to work with beyond the hillbillies being a scathing denouncement of the white american working class yes there is a scene where someone has a fire hose inserted into their bottom until their stomach explodes but it s just not enough to save this turkey october 22nd wrong turn the foundation is surprisingly good a self contained film with a lot of polish and some good performances it takes the basic premise of the series city dwellers encountering brutal rural folk in the backwoods of the appalachians but goes in a different direction with it leaning possibly a bit too literally into the series roots in modern american folk horror it was a pleasant surprise after the descent into aimless slop the series had become and i ll grant you that low expectations might have made me view it more favourably than i otherwise would have though it still feels in retrospect like a solid wilderness survival thriller with horror overtones that i could recommend to others with a clear conscience october 23rd critters attack because yes i can actually just watch the latest entry in a movie series without having to binge the entire series first though in this instance i shouldn t have bothered with watching just the latest entry in the canon either this is not a good instalment in a series that already had some pretty ropey offerings but is a good example of how not picking a lane and sticking to it can ruin the story you re trying to tell it s actually impressive that a comedy horror series can produce something where the horror and the comedy actually cancel each other out but it s not really something the makers should be proud of nor should they be proud of managing to make a fourth sequel to a four decades old gremlins knock off look even cheaper and more thrown together than usual october 24th catnado is a bravura and self explanatory one word title premise but sadly the execution doesn t live up to it an anthology of terror tales connected by the titular freak weather event there isn t the mix of styles and narrative voices one might expect of something this low budget and everything looks like something shot during lockdown by budding actors on their phones i wouldn t be so mean as to call it terrible but i think i am actually over cats now that s what this film did to me posted by brigonos at 10 25 2024 02 13 00 am no comments labels blood for the blood god content for the content mill spooktober woooooooooo monday 14 october 2024 never challenge a man who can burn rubber on a cloud i d attach a sketch to the top of the post as usual but google blogger is doing its usual bang up job of dismantling existing services to concentrate on new failures it s a great strategy no need for you to look up if google has ever turned a profit on anything other than strip mining data for advertisers anyway october 8th speak no evil is a clever metaphor about british manners that value civility in one s tone more than the act of actually being civil and in which a family is drawn into potentially fatal situations just because they don t want to cause a fuss when red flags appear during their stay with the young couple they met on holiday it s a metaphor that works well for times in which anti genocide protestors are shouted down at events where they should be given a microphone and i got on well with the film as a whole but mainly i was tickled to see some great footage of a locale i had to draw for several episodes of aces weekly s velicity jones back in the day and that footage would have been bloody handy at the time let me tell you as i had to pore over footage of grainy youtube holiday videos of croatian hilltop villages just for background art that the letterer would obscure with balloons god i hate comics also please buy the comic as insulin is not getting cheaper october 9th saw saw ii saw iii saw iv saw v saw vi well i wasn t really doing anything today anyway the plots of the saw films can be summed up thusly arrg ahh no no stop please except for the one where it s ahh stop no please but it s happening six months earlier the films pull this nonlinear narrative gag quite a few times and to be honest i think it only really worked once and that was in eurm well this is embarrassing i don t actually seem to be able to tell any of the films apart but it was one of the later films where the fbi show up and you think the film couldn t possibly be setting up yet another they have been dead all this time sting but it does these are less films and more a kind of serialised gory melodrama as the studio was churning them out once a year clearly more interested in creating a franchise than making art and as a consequence the films have little to say about the individual creators involved and i think only james wan who co wrote and directed the first movie can claim to have made something that was definitely his own as he went on to make other memorable trashfests such as one of the fasts and furiouses m3gan and the gloriously daft malignant the other dudes are probably auteurs in their own fields and i m doing them a terrible disservice by dismissing them like this but i m struggling to think of anything of worth or import to say about this series so far and there s another four of the things to get through because you don t just stop watching a movie series when you re six movies deep the sunk cost fallacy like adhd is real i guess i have to say something nice though and to be honest i did like that the movies pretend really hard to be deep rather than just deeply stupid and saw 6 s ending where the protagonist just sort of lumbers into his own undoing and dies in a hilariously graphic depiction of one of the oldest death traps in all of fiction was admittedly really funny there are a couple of spins on old death traps from fiction in the latter films and i guess if one were being charitable i could say this was a commentary on the lack of imagination displayed by the killer who has taken over from the antagonist of the first few films hinting at his being uninvested in the work he s doing but it s equally as likely that by this point the makers were just getting low on ideas one good thing about the franchise though in being so laser focussed on creating a franchise from low cost theatrical movies it has probably kept the mid budget movie alive in an era where the cinematic blockbuster and the arthouse indy have little occupying the ground between them october 10th saw 3d jigsaw spiral saw x welp i liked jigsaw but to be entirely clear this was only when i had got momentarily confused by yet another nonlinear narrative switcheroo about what killings had been perpetrated by whom and when so that it seemed that a character had appropriated the legacy of a killer to bring a corrupt police officer to justice via an elaborate xanatos gambit and thus appropriated his vile legacy to do some genuine good which was a nice happy ending for a grisly and nihilistic series but sadly i had simply got befuddled momentarily and it actually was just another person taking over from the original killer to enforce their own arbitrary sense of justice the next film in the series spiral looks to be correcting course and taking aim at systemic corruption but sadly it doesn t last or at least it doesn t stand up to scrutiny very long and it becomes about graphic deaths once again perpetuated by a vigilate to be fair to it i suppose only a moron or a genius messes with the formula nine movies into the franchise looking at you jason goes to hell and last jedi saw 3d and saw x are continuations of the main series being the optimistically fraudulently titled final chapter and requel respectively and both make little sense from one moment to the next the final chapter ending as other entries in the series have in what i think the makers probably at the time tried to pretend was a callback but which just looks like yet another sequel bait setup to me saw x is a prequel sequel reboot which really just does more of the same though this time the characters despite being younger than they were in any of the other movies clearly look 20 years older the story is dumb and it ends on more sequel bait but i liked the bit where the guy has to perform brain surgery on himself and then dissolve his own brain in acid and the bit where a character uses their dead friend s intestines as an impromptu lasso whomst among us am i right well that s all ten movies anyway i heard as it were a voice of thunder crying come and see and i saw i saw a load of old bollocks october 11th a haunting in venice is the latest of the enjoyably daffy adaptations of agatha christie s poirot by belfast lad kenneth branagh and it doesn t do anyone any good to take these films too seriously as anything other than acting showcases for all involved for good brannagh reilly or otherwise hard to believe that his performance alone wasn t the only thing that poorly dated the casting of russell brand dang michelle yeoh s in this i keep forgetting she s a proper actress as i can recall when she was constantly pegged as a beauty pagent winner who got cast in some hong kong chop sockies as sex appeal and everyone in the action movie press was slagging her off because her stalking crane technique wasn t convincing as she initiated with a left inward stride or something and seemed to be concentrating more on learning lines and convincingly delivering them while remaining in character instead of perfecting the art of kicking jackie chan in the neck and she clearly wasn t going to last in this game you might think that last bit where i joked about michelle yeoh being lambasted for acting instead of learning to fight better was some sort of off the cuff riff but trust me if you can get your hands on some copies of impact the action movie magazine from the early 1990s you will find that i am not paraphrasing anywhere near as much as you think i am i seem to recall the divine maggie cheung getting it in the neck in a similar fashion around the same period and oh yeah i think i was talking about a haunting in venice at some point so getting back to that i have never seen any of the other poirot stories adapted i will assume that murder by death is not canonical except for the kenneth brannagh films and while i m sure they were all great and it was totally my loss i liked this just fine it was fun it had some of brannagh s usual directorial flourishes just to remind you that the camera can also be a performer and while it s maybe not actually scary that s okay when a movie is at least entertaining october 12th the black phone is a horror where i got the twist ending spoiled for me ahead of time though i decided to watch the film to at least see how it was performed and there is no twist ending i was thinking of something else so the ending of this did actually take me by surprise purely because it didn t have the bleak twist i thought it did and i really liked it the kid actors are great but then ...