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o main skip to sidebar tuesday december 22 2009 blessings blessings to all those who have lost one precious and dear to them may god s light shine upon you and give you hope comfort strength wisdom and peace posted by daysjourney at 1 26 pm 2 comments friday october 31 2008 happy birthday noah it s hard to believe six years ago today our son passed on in so many ways it seems so long ago but yet the sting feels just as sharp the hurt just as poignant on days like this it s so hard having to juggle the present and the past i have two healthy beautiful girls whom are so excited and happy about halloween tonight there is a state of general madness around my home right now the rush of carving pumpkins the doning of costumes the applicaiton of makeup the snap of countless pictures the haste to get it all done and have them fed before hurrying out the door tonight not to mention hosting a block party of sorts in our drive once the neighborhood trick or treating hours end or the fact hadleigh has to run off to be part of a haunted house around the corner and i need to go to the grocery store and i need to do laundry and dishes and workout and take a shower the list seems endless and in the midst of that madness i need the world to slow down long enough for me to take a breath to pause so that i may remember my precious son and this special day late this afternoon or early eve we plan to send up a balloon again like we ve done every year since he died it s alittle harder this year than last because olivia asks so many questions she s getting older and so understands a bit more she understands the concept of sisters and brothers but heaven is a bit more difficult to grasp hadleigh of course if eager to talk about her little sister and brother and readily tells olivia this morning that it was noah s birthday ah well i just have to keep reminding myself of all the good in my life and the many blessings i do have as sad as i might be about the loss of our dear noah life does go on and i must keep moving forward one step at a time so to my beautiful son up in heaven happy birthday noah we love you and miss you but know one day we will meet again until then sweet boy rest well i hope you are playing with your little sis christina and having lots of fun maybe even throwing ball and playing chase with shelby she s such a sweet doggie thinking of you now and always much love mommy posted by daysjourney at 9 07 am 1 comment tuesday october 28 2008 staying on track sorry i haven t posted in a little bit had other things on my mind i recently got on facebook and having friends from college and highschool find me again has been fun but distracting i guess the distraction is good though in a way with noah s 6th year anniversary coming up on friday being a little distracted isn t a bad thing we are planning to do the balloon like we usually do so hard to believe six years wow where has the time gone also having some trouble lately in perspectives that s an odd statement i guess it s just lately i ve learned more about other people friends who have had their own brands of tragedy in thier lives and i am left feeling just a little depressed why does so much crap have to happen to so many people found out one of my college friends lost a baby she was carrying at 5 months another just lost her husband and father of her children to als this week i think of my friend john who was once so like derek and me but after a horrible car accident several years back he s confined to a wheel chair had one leg amputated fought so many battles with addiction and everything else i hear about the friend of my mother who has cancer and only months to live i hear all these things and i feel so badly that so many people have to suffer like this i guess i felt better when i thought i was one of a few that had such hardships it s a little disheartening to find there are far more suffering than i ever imagined anyway as my motto says trying to take it day by day step by step i am trying to find the good and positive and wonderful in each day trying to remember to count my blessings and be thankful for what i do have and for what my friends who have been or are still suffering have there is so much goodness in the world so many things that are right we must not lose focus of them and let the dark take hold rejoice in the small moments connections with old friends bright clear fall days the beauty of the leaves as they start to change colors on the trees the smile of a loved one a hug a random act of kindness from a stranger our own health the fact we have roofs over our heads and food on the table and jobs there is much to be thankful for just trying trying to keep that as my focus posted by daysjourney at 9 03 am no comments friday october 17 2008 updating things i hope you enjoy the music i am adding the first song in particular to where you are by josh groban really speaks to me i played this song again and again and again just after losing noah you can even sort of see it s influence in the letter i wrote to him posted here but also read at his memorial here are the lyrics of this special song i change only the slightlest litte bit when i apply it to my angels simply changed forever love to loved to where you are josh groban who can say for certain maybe you re still here i feel you all around me your memory so clear deep in the stillness i can hear you speak you re still an inspiration can it be that you are mine forever love and you are watching over me from up above fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star i wish upon tonight to see you smile if only for awhile to know you re there a breath away s not far to where you are are you gently sleeping here inside my dream and isn t faith believing all power can t be seen as my heart holds you just one beat away i cherish all you gave me everyday cause you are my forever love watching me from up above and i believe that angels breathe and that love will live on and never leave fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star i wish upon tonight to see you smile if only for awhile to know you re there a breath away s not far to where you are i know you re there a breath away s not far to where you are anyway please bear with me as i try to add some sounds and maybe rearrange things visually a bit special thanks to beth tanner for helping me with the sounds in the meantime i hope the day is a peaceful hopeful one for each and every one of you who wanders by my little site thanks for coming by blessings to you all posted by daysjourney at 5 37 pm 1 comment thursday october 16 2008 out of the gloom a ray of hope prior to losing noah i d always enjoyed writing and had been told by many that i had some talent at it that i had an ability to make people feel and see and smell the places i wrote about to really help them connect with whatever it was i was writing and so when i lost noah i knew i had to write something i knew almost instantly that i had to write something for him a gift from my heart as surely as he had been a gift from god writing the letter i made for noah was a hard and painful thing but also cathartic as much as i cried writing it it also brought me some measure of peace knowing i was truly giving of myself doing the most for him that i knew how i never realized how far reaching that impact would be back when i lost noah nearly some 6 years ago now there wasn t anything like a blog out there in cyberspace there were bulletin boards and websites with comments and articles but that s about it i did my research and found a loss group called share i think my genetic counselors might have even mentioned them or my ob i can t quite recall now but i do believe someone pointed me in their direction i found them online but was saddened to learn they did not yet have a chapter in richmond so what did i do i did the next best thing and got involved online i started posting to some of the message boards they had and in doing so stumbled upon an unexpected blessing i could help people purely for me i had posted the letter i wrote for noah i just wanted a record of it somewhere a testament to my precious baby and then out of the blue i started getting emails and comments from folks who had read it all people who had suffered a loss of one kind of another they thanked me through their tears and sighs and pauses telling me how much my words had meant to them how much it touched them i had folks thank me and say that they had read the letter at their own children s funerals or memorials some had placed copies of my letter into their own memory boxes others emailed it to their family and friends and told them to read it that this was how they were feeling but didn t know how to explain and with every thank you i received my heart felt lighter and happier sure i was still devastated with the loss of my son but it felt so good to be able to help others through their own dark and terrible times it gave me such pride and joy and made me realize yet again what a blessing having had and lost noah was through him i was able to touch countless others and right then i knew someday i d have to write about the whole experience i knew somewhere deep down that part of my mission was to help others through the pressing darkness of their own losses and the blessings came whenever i happened to talk about it i found i was reaching people affecting them in ways i never knew possible and the more people i helped the better i felt i had a very humbling experience yesterday one more blessing brought back around my way at an unexpected time i was talking to my mother on the telephone i d only recently told her about this blog but she knew of some other women i d been helping recently through church and some other things women going through their own losses she said she d heard something the other day on the radio or tv about the h eroes in your life and how so many times we never tell them how we feel i could hear her voice faltering on the phone as she almost shyly told me that i was her hero even just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes never in my life had i imagined to hear i was any one s hero much less my mother s i didn t know what to say i mumbled some sort of thank you and that i appreciated it that i thought it was really sweet but i was honestly at a loss of words you know like so many others i am more content giving than receiving compliments and as adeptly as my words can flow from my fingers while i am writing i find i am far less graceful in person and my tongue often trips me up so i listened quietly to my mother tell me that i was her hero i was her hero for how i dealt with the loss of my children for how i managed to hold everyone together during that horrible time and how i have been able to put aside my pain even dwell in it so that i might help others thank you mom it meant more than words can say you are a truly special person and i am thankful to have you in my life i love you posted by daysjourney at 7 47 am no comments labels blessings coping faith hope support group writing monday october 13 2008 monday october 13th i just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all those who ve passed by my little corner of the online world and taken the time to say hello or leave a comment i truly appreciate them feel free to comment or email me at anytime i am always glad to talk on to other things post loss doctors visits i have one bit of advice well maybe a couple but first and foremost going back to the ob after having experienced a loss is an overwhelming thing at least it was for me during those days and first weeks post loss the slightest thing would set me off crying and having to walk into a waiting room full of pregnant women was no picnic i was blessed to have a great ob and nurses who as soon as they knew i was there and checked in they pulled me into the back halls to sit and wait for my room to open up rather than have to sit out there and be surrounded by all those happy pregnant women well they weren t all pregnant but it sort of seemed that way when it s a sensitive issue that seems to be all you see i highly recommend making your appointments for first thing in the morning or just after lunch when the office opens again waiting around even in back halls is not an easy thing try to spare yourself that anguish and limit the wait if you can i also had a really hard time seeing all these other pregnant women it actually made me mad sometimes when i saw them smiling or laughing or holding their plump bellies as the precious child within moved seeing an obviously new parents to be couple nearly set me over the edge they were all happy and smiles clearly excited she wasn t showing the slightest bit obviously it was early on they were beside themselves so happy and expectant and excited and all i wanted to do was throttle them i wanted to march right over there and shake some sense into them yelling at them to not be happy to worry to worry all the time didn t they know how it could all go so terribly wrong and then one day while pregnant again and visiting my perinatal specialist for one of those early fetal scans we had to do i changed my mind now granted folks coming here were often already worried for one reason or another you could see it on their faces sometimes in the tears freely falling down as they left in a hurry and i suddenly realized i d been judging everyone else unfairly how do i know that this happy pregnant woman across the way hasn t had a loss before this one for all i knew maybe she d lost five and this one this one was finally going to be ok the point is i didn t know and it was unfair of me to look at them so sternly and even those who were pregnant for the first time they should be happy and excited looking back that is one thing i was blessed to have with my first pregnancy i had no clue everything was fine all along i was blissfully ignorant i had no idea of all the horrible things that could go wrong oh sure you worried about the normal battery of tests the downs the spinal bifeda the glucose test the afps but as some of us out there know that is only like the pin point tip of an iceberg i am glad i didn t know with my first i worried alot as it was like any mother to be does at least i had one pregnancy and half of a second without the gloom and doom constantly hanging over my head so again when looking at the pregnant woman you run into at the doctor s office or in a parking lot or in the crowded aisle of a store remember when that sudden anger flairs its ugly head or jealousy remember we don t know anything about them for all we know they ve tried for years and years and had one loss or setback after another before getting to this hopefully happy point we don t know we ve not been in their shoes give them space if you need to and perhaps if you can manage even say a little prayer for their baby hoping that all is well and one more sister in this world won t ha...