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mother sitting down with me in her spare time she didn t read books to me we didn t play tea parties together this was the difference between sister and me i felt like the out cast and i felt that way as i got older and saw the way mother treated her compared to me i did things that once grown up i realized i did it for attention you wouldn t believe some of the stuff a ten year old quiet kid like me could think up to be continued share this share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in writing leave a reply chapter forty posted on january 11 2022 by who i am reply by the time i was thirty six i had a family of three children and lived in warsaw for some unknown reason that i didn t figure out at the time we decided to move a way from our home town and move about twenty minutes farther a way i enjoyed the new home and our neighbors were kind the schools seemed to be adequate life was good one day i bought a local newspaper we were all sitting at the pizza hut and i decided to open the newspaper on the second page there it was i gasped for air for a moment and my husband asked what was wrong with me i see it i see it it s my mama her father has passed and there is her name and the city and state she lives in he looked at me and said nothing i placed the newspaper aside with each word of the obituary glued to my mind we didn t speak about it again but inside i was like a jumping jack bean i couldn t wait to get home upon entering our front door i grabbed a pop and sat down with my husband telling him i was going to find out her number my thoughts were racing i asked my husband should i tell her over the phone who i was or should i write her what should i do i think my husband didn t have any idea what to do so he remained quiet the first thing i did was call phone information and ask for her phone number that was a piece of cake i next called her but i didn t tell her who i was i just told her that i was a friend that knew her dad back home and i would like to send a card i asked her knowing she wouldn t give a stranger her address but she did i quickly wrote it down and thanked her for the information i hadn t seen my mama since i was five years old and had been searching for her since i was thirteen and now i am thirty six and i have a piece of gold in my hand her name address and phone number i knew in my heart that the reason i had moved out of town was that god knew i could find my mama to be continued share this share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in writing leave a reply chapter thirty nine posted on january 7 2022 by who i am reply from the author these chapters i have written is what i have dealt with for most of my teen years and up these chapters are what has made me who i am today sometimes on sad or low days i will still question myself on the most important topic what s wrong with me that two mothers didn t want me i will be jumping ahead because from the time of that day when my real mother tried to get in the house and see me until my teens and grown up years most of it is a blur still i remember when i was thirteen my grandmother explaining to me how rotten my real mother was i had never seen my mother throughout those empty years and i couldn t believe what was being said right now to me in my mind hearing these nasty comments i was defending mama as even at thirteen i understood life enough to know it had to be so hard to try to raise two kids when she was but a kid herself this is the point of my life when i made the decision and got the determination to find her once again i was going to find out why these comments were being said and where she was living and why she never came back to see me when i turned sixteen she had promised my mother that she would be back when i turned sixteen i waited all day on my birthday and cried myself to sleep i didn t get my answers that i longed for until i turned thirty six years old to be continued share this share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in writing leave a reply chapter thirty eight posted on december 22 2021 by who i am 2 i sat as quiet as a mouse partly because i was a little scared of the yelling i was hearing and partly because i wanted to hear what this was all about the front door was opened wide i could see mother holding on to the screen door not letting the woman pull it open she sure wanted to come in i heard parts of their conversation though and i may be a little girl but i knew they were talking about me and the other lady was my mama mama mama my heart sang out i started to stand up and go run to her but something inside me told me to stay put and remain quiet you re not welcome here mam now leave and please don t come back again i want to see my baby you can t stop me from seeing my baby girl you walked a way from her and she isn t a baby anymore she is now five years old now please leave i saw mother trying to pull the screen door shut but mama was playing tug of war with the door you just wait lady when she turns sixteen she ll be able to tell you that she wants to live with me and you won t be able to do a damn thing about it you just wait and see i ll wait and i ll be back the day she turns sixteen okay we shall wait and in the mean time leave and don t come back i didn t realize it at first but i felt wetness and when i touched my chubby cheeks there were tears streaming down my face this woman this mother was keeping me from the person i loved my mama i was heart broken my body didn t want to move but i forced myself to move i quietly sneaked back up the stairs and into my room i raced to my bed and threw myself on it i covered my entire body up with my covers i wanted to hide from everyone i wanted to run a way i wanted to pay my my new mother back to be continued share this share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in writing 2 replies chapter thirty seven posted on december 9 2021 by who i am reply well i better move on as you can see granddad meant the world to me so i talked a bit too much about him no probably not enough i am sure there is or was a family member who meant so much to you i bet if you think about it right now you will just plain smile so our new step mom mother dad and brother and i lived in a house all by ourselves grandma and grandpa lived about a half hour away but we saw them usually every friday evening we would go to their house and we always had chili and hot dogs daddy sure did love this meal well i can t really remember but he must have we went every friday at supper time after supper was done us kids would sit on our chairs and be as quiet as we could family always told us that children should be seen and not heard grandma would turn on the television and we would watch whatever the grown ups watched it was fun to watch their tv because they had one of those color tv s we only had a black and white one at our house after the programs were over we were told to go use the bathroom because there would no no stopping on the way home we would all climb in the car but not until daddy kissed grandma on the cheek and as we were pulling away daddy would always honk and i would see grandma standing at the big bay window waving to us goodbye i really don t remember too much about the house we lived in except two things us kids slept upstairs and when you used the stairs you went up one flight and through a wooden framed glass door then you went up the other flight i remember this well i was four and i was coming down the stairs one morning and i tripped i fell down the stairs and went through the glass door and fell the rest of the way down i remember mother making me lay down on the couch and she searched my eyes for glass with a flashlight i didn t go to the doctor or a hospital as she didn t find anything today though all grown up and getting my eye exams the doctor says i have scaring on one eye and it looked like i had some sort of accident i told him about that time i fell and he said it made sense there was another time that i was in the living room hiding behind this brown rocker i don t remember what i was hiding from or who but i am sure i was trying to get by with something i knew i shouldn t be doing mother was in the room too and she didn t even notice me i was being real quiet there came a knock at the door and i saw mother go and open the door i could hear two ladies talking and they were raising their voices it sounded like they were mad at each other who could be at that door to be continued share this share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in family leave a reply chapter thirty six posted on december 5 2021 by who i am 2 grandad taught brother about life and he did this through the animals he let him watch as pigs and cows gave birth he taught him how to milk a cow and how and when to feed the animals i think brother learned more from this man than he learned in his entire life i am sure looking back it was the gentle voice and attitude and lots of patience granddad worked hard on the farm but when he was not working he would tell us kids a lot of jokes he had nicknames for each one of us and he made each of us feel so important i know now being all grown that feeling important and loved is the base of a good foundation for adult hood when grandad wasn t working on the farm he had a part time job too he drove the school bus for many years i think every kid loved him he had big floppy ears and always wore bib overhauls when he retired from this job and the farm was sold to another farmer he went to work for the state highway department he drove a truck i don t know how long he worked there but one day it was over because he had a heart attack while driving and hit a semi head on this was my first experience as an adult dealing with loss of life oh boy did i cry and cry it took me years to get over the fact that i couldn t see him any longer i don t believe there was another person that came into my life that could fill granddad s shoes i miss him today but smile as i remember all the love that poured out of his heart to be continued share this share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more email a link to a friend opens in new window 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