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Text of the page (random words):
and was now suffering the consequences women who have been sexually abused get it said one doctor fairly rolling his eyes had i gotten fibromyalgia from stab wounds or gunshot i m sure we all would have been much happier i d like to suggest something something dangerous i m going to for one for once ignore the ridiculously preferential and gendered medical language and suggest this what if this uptick this surge in auto immune responses in disease where our bodies seem to feel too much or feel the wrong thing is an evolutionary move towards the kind of all bodied sensorium of octopuses my spine is crumbling encrusted with the barnacles we call spurs but i believe like a fossil my original spine is nearly gone it has been replaced by the minerals and shell bits and heavy metals of my past i believe we are moving towards the kind of embodiment that thinks with its arms like an octopus that our bones are attempting to shore us up against what we have sunk into this earth poisons and pesticides and that our central nervous system being overtaxed by impact the crashings of sensations from constant electric immersion tvs cell phones electricity is both attempting to protect and to extend itself because it needs more room enter then this new being still bilateral still sentient but sensing and thinking from its softened arms and legs the fad for muscularity will presently be replaced by a delight in bodies that can move in even more spectacular ways requiring drum roll please a surgically implanted at first flexible spine allowing our new being to squeeze under doorways and through cracks like mice later this being will have no spine at all the pain i feel radiating from the various injuries to my spine my chest my self might actually be evolution the delicious damnable brutal heavy electric stabbings of evolution you with me if you like me have experienced interstitial cystitis irritable bowel syndrome migraines fibromyalgia and now some kind of hyperalgesia induced by multiple incidences of violence not limited to but including as they say car wrecks assaults concussions mosh pits then you might feel a reluctance anger even by the suggestion that your pain your trauma is some kind of motherfucking evolution sisterbrother i feel your pain let s look to the octopus for a sec the octopus brain isn t centrally located like ours or rather it has dense neurons everywhere it does something like thinking with its arms i do something like thinking with my oh never mind this makes it a supreme test subject the octopus is often used as a lab animal because of its incredible intelligence its unique capacity to experience life through not just its enlarged head but through its eight motile arms as a test subject it is an uncommonly able subject its sensorium is geared for sensation for pain all over not like we are more i imagine how those of us with amped up sensations are those of us for whom a whisper of wind relays stark horripilation whose bones require battening against the everyday whose fascia begins to set after a second rendering ordinary movements like getting out of ones chair an excruciating exercise in what feels like breakage the octopus particular as test subject is my kin how then to relinquish what many of us feel is our only raft in a terrifying ocean that is our identities as disabled too many transfolk i know have one or more of these diagnoses and i m confident this isn t merely because i gravitate to people of similar experience transbodies in particular like octo bodies are subject to the kind of abuse that leaves a neural stamp the imprimatur of pain transbodies in particular are forced to be complicit with the medical industry to get our hormones our surgeries our care i am just for today relinquishing this identity except for bureaucratic necessity i am willing to explore this idea this embodiment this these pains as yes the result of myriad abuses but parlaying themselves into exploration into a riot of sensation yearning to be without armature longing for and making exodus to a free body a body that moves any way goes anywhere is free not of pain necessarily because pain is important a body that is always already oceanic and celestial i can bear some of this pain with the knowledge that my sisterbrothers after me might endure less that bodies might move to dare i say it aloud invertebrate sister sea slug wrap me in your tongue like body naughty nautilus invite me to tea i will slip underneath the heavily guarded and locked laboratory doorway and free all my kin all my octo family are you in posted by sam at 7 48 am 1 comment labels brachial neuritis evolution gunshot octopus octopuses spine stab wounds trans transgender saturday september 29 2012 boys with their baby vein faces shining neon it s been dark around here i m not going to lie i have friends whose ability to stay tethered to this dimension seems fragile and full of pain the pain of lusty unhinged cells replicating and replicating just as they seem to become full of something not themselves and slow of pulse and breath after so much quickening do i become leaden full of bile and blood i feel like rot watching my friends be sick i myself am enduring one of many detoxes i am in a some kind of perpetual withdrawal state kicking one chemical after another in an attempt to relieve my own constant neuralgia being prescribed cymbalta vicodin gabapentin lexapro getting rolfed and massaged and acupunctured and just generally torturing myself at the gym i am in a state of pain i m confident would be solved by opiates and indeed they bring such a sweet relief it s almost ridiculous like why aren t we all on opiates i watched the peter weller documentary about william burroughs a man i had the good fortune to meet not once but twice and actually spent an afternoon with peter weller comes off as the biggest kind of art douche but burroughs my kind of guy i was heartened to hear that he struggled with dope til the end not in some kind of schadenfreude way but because i struggle with dope now and again it s a solution to a lot of things i was a heroin addict in my twenties and on methadone for nine years it has a way of changing you or rather i came to it because i was already changed i was already awash in some other stream one that neither parallels nor crosses the so called stream of life one that creative people seem to wade and occasionally drown in burroughs was so charming you can be charming on dope junk to use burroughsian vernacular in my neurochemical jazz fest the one that s happening in my brainy parts right now i recall burroughs coming to the book shop i worked at i ran in a crowd that worshiped him we both did and did not understand his genius it s taken me years getting older does that you ripen your memory cells accommodate and imbricate information in gratifying ways stanislavski the great actors teacher calls it emotion memory you overlay and shape memory with your new experiences archiving and adding like a hypermotile librarian in the strand bookstore of your brain burroughs came to lambda rising in dupont circle where i was employed as a cashier book seller only one there we carried his books in 1980 to be sure but they didn t sell nope gay men bought sad horny romance novels by gordon merrick and inches and blueboy not genet not burroughs not even rechy there i was all new wave punk lesbo behind the cash register reading fleur du mal and seasons of hell naked lunch and queer all written by homosexual geniuses you can imagine the attitude i was handing over with your change burroughs came upstairs to do an impromptu reading it was wonderful four of my besties and me alone hanging on to bill he was polite and unconcerned by what for me spoke to the general state of the gay male industrial complex that it routinely sacrificed its most hard won gifts for tawdry emotional appeal in art in literature and most obviously in music of course this is true of another kind of 99 right the regular ol world the other 1 of us having been blessed with no discernibly useful talents except for making art but burroughs brought something real to the table while the queers were buying poppers and jack mags and why not jane and paul bowles verlaine barnes and proust were getting thumbed by yours truly who would then sell them back to the bookstore as used oh there s another financial amend i owe fantastic burroughs didn t seem to need gay approbation and why would he he wasn t lambda rising gay then a mixture of 70 s clone hoodie in jean jacket moustache aviators he was his own thing but my favorite part of meeting him was when he sent down his aryan amanuensis james to ask if it was okay if bill took some magazines home and sure enough when they left burroughs carried a paper sack stacked with numbers inches colt and honcho that i had packed up for him myself secretly dreaming an unseen dream of being someone something that william burroughs might jack off to maybe we didn t shoot our wads together but possibly that night william and i might have shot other things in hotel rooms basements rest rooms i met him again with john waters i would never want to be the man john waters would jack to but i admire him just the same they both articulate the life of men who cannot be anything other than themselves iconoclasts heroin had burroughs it was a love affair that lasted his entire life what heroin addiction in general is to me is a way of grinding myself to my body i haven t tasted dope since 1993 but i know its smell i can conjure it any time i want to curl up behind burroughs my thick torso and gloppy belly smashed against his sticky bones the filo dough of old man skin wrapped around a skeleton poppies in your ear man burroughs left poppies in my ear posted by sam at 6 46 pm no comments labels 80 s burroughs heroin john waters lambda rising naked lunch rimbaud trans transgender saturday august 25 2012 bats with their baby veined faces part 1 patti smith is on my mind today my beloved soul sister stephen called me yesterday he s dying of cancer but his inevitable cellular expansion into the unknown has been put off for some months hopefully some years it turns out he s of the blood type that can undergo genetic resequencing there s been a lot of work in this area much of it experimental and much of it hopeful he s on some kind of drug we didn t talk about it in depth because we had too much to say to one another mostly about what he s going to do with himself now that he s got all this time these therapies can be very successful just not permanently yet i feel pretty good these days he explained to me even as he was calling because he s going through withdrawals from the fentanyl patch he s been on for a couple years i don t know if i should travel the world see bali with my husband fire walk or stay here and get out of bed and get breakfast for the kids and take them to school and you know just live my life steve and i both survived the 80 s aids crisis we were both in new york city when reagan cut funding for social services while tacitly denying this distinctly american genocide steve a robustly sexual gay man and me a intravenous drug addict i say intravenous drug because there was a time when i was as addicted to the needle as i was the drug consequently i have injected any number of interesting substances both purposefully and by accident cocaine and pastel dust isopropyl alcohol and dirty water come to mind i watched as my city streets filled with humans people disgorged into the streets who had been some for years in mental wards treatment centers and hospitals elevators were crowded in a new way even for manhattan filled with the collage phrasings of schizophrenics and the ramblings of dementia people leaning on sticks and crutches as limbless and lost as people i had seen in haiti little wonder heroin was my drug of choice it was a soft and comforting euphoria spansule that enveloped and protected me as i roamed through hell it changed everyone who was there it reminds me of john shirley s novel a splendid chaos where people go to this disco and it turns out its some kind of technology that takes them to this survivor like planet where they re forced to figure out how to live on this weird planet with multiple other alien species and diseases there s this electrical field that travels like a merciless storm cloud and if you re caught in it it twists you electrically some part of you emerges that was always there but the phenomenon dislodges and even enhances it so if you went through the 80 s in a big city that was devastated by aids you ve been through that electric event and some part of you is distorted and enhanced if you re lucky it was your compassion it seemed to have been so with steve he has an incredible generosity and almost unlimited compassion even and maybe especially as he took care of his partner through his partner s death from aids but i m waaaay off topic now so i ll get to the point steve recently finished reading just us kids patti smith s homage to her relationship with artist robert mapplethorpe which is also kind of a billet doux to new york in the 70 s steve and i both had a similar experience reading the book which evoked an unsentimental awe for the decade before the madness bm before madness extending that device i could also parse a significant movement in my own life that being before and after patti smith seeing the still stunning mapplethorpe photo of patti for her first album at age 15 changed my life for a burgeoning lesbian and future transperson the impact of an androgynous iconic contemporary woman artist was meteoric i was caved in and smashed to bits in the kind of wonderful way in which you are then magnetically rearranged into something greater this particular impact having merged with your molecules that she existed now in my space time unlike marlene dietrich or romaine brooks whose photos and biographies i had devoured with a longing i can only now begin to identify and that she had agency was an artist was enormously important in 1975 i mean i didn t even particularly like romaine brooks but in a desert of a certain kind of androgyny one had to make do gertrude steinian butchness didn t quite capture it and while i adored the male forays into femininity like bowie and even young robert plant i needed to see a woman doing it at fifteen i was already exhausted by masculinity and its tantalizing yet repulsive allure i could not have any of it those moments in which i allowed it to transmute my body to twist me were often abruptly halted by someone taking the piss out of me or by my own hyper vigilance patti offered a way to allow the cells of masculinity to pass through my membrane and infuse me with near luminescence it was liberating beyond belief to release some of the tension in the reins i had bridled myself with her impact merely began there because of patti and her genius eruptions her own literar...