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Text of the page (random words):
messing up kids lives by making them use hard drugs and become porn stars but i ve never paid it much mind i just write what i want there s so many rules right outside the door what good s a blog if you can t light things on fire nonetheless my son becoming a teenager resisted articulation i was blocked it refused to be said i waded through clichés about how hard it s going to be being a teen and it is the breach between being a boy and a man can swallow you whole but it felt wrong to dwell on all that so i tried to invoke the joy of adolescence because it s in there remember do you remember your teenaged friends the extent to which adolescence was hard created a kind of super fondness for the people who helped you through it i remember dan parker and bryan rypstra like old war buddies and for all the awkwardness ignorance and confusion that accompanied the gruesome mutation into a sexual being it was pretty damn cool too those jolting new waves of desire without clearly defined aims stacie scott s ass was just different somehow i wanted to arghhh do something to her you know new feelings new thoughts and good god so many forms of new actions that created secrets and guilt and the certainty that i was mad but wondrous my god this shocking body that poor cat i remember writing kerri wolf love letters i remember waiting to give them to her nervous to sweating i remember kissing in the basement like we were starving to death with our ears trained to the possibility of footsteps on the stairs that wasn t so bad it was strange and beautiful it wanted to be poetry so turning 13 and beyond was both terrible and wonderful but the fact remains that all these ideas recoiled when i tried to address them in relation to my son s 13 th birthday and it s only here in this 7 th paragraph again fuck you writer s block where my block begins to find its logic it is precisely this unsaying that defines my son s movement into teen life this inability to speak about him his resistance to being said the fact of his emerging own life apart from our relation creates the substance of the block he s stepping into the light of being the main character in a story that evades the reach of my narrative he s not my character to write anymore he needs to be partially released to his friends and the perplexity of girls or boys happy 13 th birthday j i ran full throttle as you toddled toward the street and i said no no no when you tried to play with knives but now instead of so actively protecting you i have to allow you to erect a wall this writer s block between us so you can thrash around alone sometimes and forge your way into becoming who you are but i m not worried one drop you re such a delightful boy full of jokes and sparkle and i know i m going to love the man you become when i made your birthday card after i decorated the front and wrote happy birthday inside i paused wanting to write the truest most honest thing i could muster so i wrote i love being your dad i love being your dad wednesday july 27 2011 share article 61 comments tuesday jul 26 2011 life death in michigan do you remember that post when i was brushing my daughter s hair and i thought what will you do little girl when they find your dead daddy hanging from the oak tree of his boyhood home creepy i know but the thrust behind writing that post was my need to question the substance of what i think to mine it explore to find figurative gold in the literal ore with this approach to what you think and feel more depth accrues life opens up in mysterious ways becomes richer and you might discover hidden tunnels in yourself that lead away from your constant role of literal protagonist in a static biography the world is suddenly filled with whispered secrets yearning to be heard nonetheless in spite of my attempt to deliteralize my goofy thought when people heard i was going to michigan where my boyhood home remains i received more than a few requests to stay the fuck away from oak trees but i needed to see it the house the church across the street randy s house two houses down the bedroom window the oak tree but check this out how s a guy supposed to hang himself from that wee thing apparently my oak tree was struck by lightning and this is its paltry replacement that little tree made me smile look how it tenaciously reaches i ll be here awhile you wanna see something scary not everything needs to be written on some upper level of the mind where thought has not yet dripped into feeling i knew that my grandpa had died and my uncle too i heard the news i burned candles stared out the window and wrote about them but will it make sense to you when i try to explain that they didn t feel dead until i was home i sat next to my aunt at dinner in a seafood restaurant but my uncle wasn t there in a way that was stark and menacing he no longer held his place in the town that raised him he didn t drive its streets or coach the football team we visited my grandma but my grandpa wasn t in the basement sipping scotch he wasn t home i found quiet places to sob in my hands god i love my mom she s a little tree origami where i m from she took me to the cemetery to show me the growing family plot and water the flowers i listened as she whispered to her mom her dad and her brother it took me a lot of books to unlearn enough to speak to the dead to listen too but she does so instinctively quietly from her own gentle heart and the wisdom borne of suffering after the flowers were watered and the stones were patted with kissed hands she showed me this it s my feet standing on the ground reserved for my burial dance with me old woman i cried dancing on my grave extending my hand surrounded by death there is still time left this is where things get blurry mom i lectured shaking my ass this is where the dead become real and we fade into fictions i did the robot i did it well where distinctions fall and we all come to dance actually i did the best i could i lied about doing the robot well but in my imagination i dance like a star my mom just shook her head and smiled at me you re crazy she said she says that all the time my mom s blue eyes are so big and deep you could dive right in them she s where i m from tuesday july 26 2011 share article 20 comments friday jul 15 2011 very bad poetry night greetings neglected blog readers i have been away and now i m not and other things how are you if your response is positive i am pleased if your response is negative i am sorry both of my reactions are of course laden with the proper nuance that your particular situation requires enough bullshit time is money i wish time was something else like love or candy but it s not it s money if you re not a regular black hockey jesus reader you ll need two pieces of background information in which to contextualize this post and enrich its meaning 1 i m concerned with troubled by and excited about issues of identity who is concerned with troubled by and excited about issues of identity see exactly it s totally confusing 2 i have cool friends who throw the best parties these two facts recently met shared interesting conversation went to bed together had crazy porno sex and i m trying to get a baby metaphor in here but i m tired of this sentence vanessa and jeremy throw a party so they invite a bunch of people over for drinks put out a veggie tray and a bunch of middle aged people have conversations about the economy and what s going on with their 401ks wait no vanessa and jeremy instruct you to invent a character come to their party as that character remain at the party in character and provide a performance on camera what kind of performance the only requirement of the character you invent is that he or she needs to be a very bad poet because after all the name of the party is very bad poetry night so at some point during the night you go in the garage and recite your character s very bad poetry in front of a huge green screen and crazy hot lights while jeremy films you then and this is of course after the actual party party he edits the whole damn thing and builds a website i told you cool friends the best parties i m not bragging i just luck into this kind of shit so here s a link to the poetry of chris heart again this is chris heart it s a mistake to say this is black hockey jesus acting like chris heart it s the same mistake people make when they say that black hockey jesus is really heather armstrong in a way that s true but in a truer way none of us are these static things that can be known we re never the same thing long enough to be a name names are games but the fact that there s no such thing as you is no cause for despair it s only terrible and meaningless from the nostalgic perspective of your illusion but the joyous secret that lingers inside being no one is the cracked open vast expanse of all your provisional and possible someones you can be anyone you already are of course i m the man represented by my social security number but i m also black hockey jesus i m also a lost yellow dog with jangling tags i m an asshole i m the gentlest woman you ve ever spoken with just hearing my voice calms your storms i m a mountain i m a motherfucker my name is chris heart thank you vanessa and jeremy for being vanessa and jeremy and for not being vanessa and jeremy friday july 15 2011 share article 22 comments thursday jun 30 2011 questions and answers people have been asking questions and i ve been answering them do you have any good questions well then ask them questions are good writing prompts and i m bored here s an interview i did for ohdeedoh some woman got uptight in the comments about the word vagina and it made me smile and then on someone else s blog a commenter asked me a few questions about love i answered here because my last post is so deathy and i just wanted to take it down a notch with some love i love love the beatles said it s all you need and they seem like nice boys curious commenter from another blog that i already commented on bhj will you write for us what you see love as how you see love what makes your heart pound and your body crave another person yes and no i ll try i m awake and alone trying to stay sober and wanting to write so i ll try but i can t begin without stating the obvious i have no idea i just got divorced what the fuck do i know but i can riff on it sound some notes if only to use love to get me through the night love you will have all figured out by now is a big stupid lie however it is of course by far the best and greatest lie of the many lies we tell ourselves the blindness cliché is apt you re blind to the flaws of your beloved in addition to being blind to everything else love collapses and intesnifies your vision to a single point it s a megawatt spotlight that only shines upon and illuminates the object of your love while also distorting the shit out of it love lies about what you love love creates meaning where it simply doesn t exist in any absolute way but ain t it grand we need to free lies and falsity from all their negative connotations being constantly duped is required to be a self in the first place to even be a you at all so imagine the massive web of deceit it takes for a lie you to love another lie someone else it s completely delusional a delightful illness that keeps the fire warm take for instance your baby nobody cares about your stupid baby are all 6¾ billion of us wrong or is your baby really the most awesome thing that ever took a shit in a diaper or what about the the things we create the way when we re making them we block out everything else me and my friends are all writing books steeped in an atmosphere of insane blind love and for what to what end all this singleness of intensified vision in a fury of creation there s no way to rationally defend love but don t you dare mistake that for an argument against it rationality is for people with calculators and long boring lists of things to do so when you ask me what makes my heart pound and my body crave another person i can t really tell you can i there s no recipe of characteristics or qualities that create an equation for what i love rather love messes up my equations smashes my calculator misplaces my list of things to do and yanks me off my path so i guess that love changes my path and messes up my plans time to abandon equations for metaphors i m walking down the street with a day full of plans i see a woman get on a bus and suddenly i m on the bus too i ve forgotten everything i don t know where i m going now why this might happen resists explanation except it s fun to imagine past life entanglements or the eruption of gods in the faces of people and i can only talk about instances of this happening to me in terms of singular events that of course are not generalized formulas for making my heart pound and or my body crave etc so after all that hoopla here s a collage of events that took possession of me and melted the world she was on her tip toes in the book store trying to reach a book about gnomes she brought a pear to bed and ate half by candlelight i watched her shadow flicker on the wall delighted that she brought a pear to bed i heard a waiter i was two tables away ask her if she wanted a drink ab sa frickin lutely she replied and smacked the table a tiny woman with a scratchy voice i saw a woman in a black bikini floating on her back in a salt pool her eyes were closed i don t know how long i stood there it could ve been days on the phone she said mayybee like a purring cat my hand s path up her leg in the back of a taxi around her hip to her waist i heard a woman in the grocery store say you don t understand i m very particular about cheese she caught me watching her brush her teeth and smiled she said she didn t like popcorn and ate half my popcorn once it was just a woman s petite wrist as she pushed on a door handle and i nearly blacked out she sat at her computer wrapped only in a white towel i watched her fingers intuitively pecking keys she reached for her glasses stopped to look at me her wet hair thursday june 30 2011 share article 24 comments thursday jun 30 2011 after kinnell and the things he tells to no one yesterday when i was brushing my daughter s long blonde hair i thought what will you do little girl when they find your dead daddy hanging from the oak tree of his boyhood home these are the kinds of things i like galway kinnell tell to no one those close to me might think i was depressed and try to comfort me at such times i go off alone in silence as if listening for god but as you have already figured out discerning reader i did tell you this thing that i said i tell to no one so of course my integrity is called into question how can i possibly be trusted when i was in 8 th grade i was the president of my middle school s student council a young politician again how can i be trusted the day before election day the candidates had to give speeches over the school s 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