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Text of the page (random words):
m a ghost and then a different voice saying i m a ghost toooooo ooooohhhhoooh and then i was like fine you ve cured me i m no longer mortified when answering the door i ve reached the end of mortification through ghostly exposure therapy and then victor started going oooooohhhhooooo i m a ghost with diarrhea and the delivery guy was like what is happening and then hailey was like oooooh i m a ghost with diarrhea toooooo whoooooooohooooo and then we clearly had to move and i no longer answer the door for pizza anyway i told this whole story on stage immediately after saying hello and i was like and that s why you re about to hear i m a ghost with diarrhea being moaned from above and then i paused and y all dead silence and i was like oh my god really and i could literally hearing victor s muffled and so instead of being embarrassed about being haunted by an unexpected ghost with diarrhea i was embarrassed by the lack of an expected ghost with diarrhea and i m almost positive this shit never happened to charles dickens in a signing line a very sweet woman handed me her book to sign and said my son lost part of his skull and he was able to get it back from the hospital but they made him sign papers saying that he promised not to eat it and i was like was that a concern and we had a fascinating little conversation that i loved but was deeply confusing for the bookstore employee who was taking pictures but who had not read my book at that same signing i got several gift bags from people who said you can just open this later and that s always really nice because afterward i start to panic that people hate me and if i have letters and such to open it s a weird sort of comfort when i was done signing i was trying to consolidate everything into one bag and pulled out the back half of a dead rat from a gift bag which seems like a threat unless you re me in which case it actually makes sense and is sort of thoughtful and then i was like what s really baffling is that this is the second half of a dead animal i ve been gifted this week and the bookstore employee was like no what is really baffling is all of this and another employee was like was the other gift the front half of an animal can you put them together and make them into one whole animal and i looked at her like she was crazy because they re not legos but then i remembered that most people don t know much about amateur taxidermy and so i just said nope just the buttholes i always take a picture at the end of every reading and that s usually when i realize that i have something in my teeth my skirt is stuck to my underwear or i ve inexplicably turned into a blueberry i assure you i am slightly less smurfy in real life did you miss seeing me on tour or did you have tickets but it was too scary to leave your car and go inside you are not alone and i ve actually done this myself at other people s events so do not feel bad well i m going to have one more spot and you are invited and it is free and you don t have to leave your house or even put on pants it s a zoom through nowhere on may 29th and i ll be doing a book reading and a q a and maybe special guests will pop in and we ll be giving away fun things come click here to rsvp and we ll send you a link to watch it and if you order a copy from nowhere i will happily sign it and draw a little kitty on it the top half of the kitty in case you were wondering i feel like i ve forgotten to write something here but my mind is slightly mushy so please forgive me like this like loading tweet 32 comments may catch up may 5 2026 in random crap i am incredibly behind on so many things because the book tour took all of my attention in a good way more about this later so this is just a little post to catch up on a few things first i just heard that how to be okay when nothing is okay is still in the top 10 of the indie bestseller list for indie bookshops for the 5th week in a row thank you you magnificent independent bookshops and all who support them secondly more book clubs less book bans if you re a member of one of my bookclubs you know we re always slipping little random surprises in and later this month we ll be sending you a glittery fiesta medal from nowhere that i adore you can join us here it s like the bookit pin remember those but with octopuses view this post on instagram this month we ll be sending homebound by portia elan to members of the fantastic strangelings and house of margins by tootle tsamaase to members of the nightmares from nowhere club both are so good and if you re looking for more great books here are some favorites i ve read in the last few months third there was a small run on let s pretend this never happened after it was banned and so it was out of print for a little bit while the publisher did a reprinting but it s now available again so if you requested a signed one from nowhere i ll be there tomorrow signing all book requests and we ll ship them right out sorry for the delay also we still have some how to be okay merch that we re slipping into packages while they last so make sure you check your mail so you don t accidentally throw away a sticker sheet or magnet or bookmark or whatever else we may still have on hand all of my books are available here and they all come signed fourth next monday i ll be joining anna konkle love her to celebrate her new book release in austin should be fun fifth if you re not subscribed to my art substack you re missing my sister s testicles and my cactuses that might be noodles not sure if that s enticing or not sixth i can t remember the sixth thing my meds have worn off dang like this like loading tweet 13 comments actual things that happened on book tour april 30 2026 in random crap here is a list of ridiculous things that happened to me on book tour in no particular order part 1 realized that my nipples were very obvious only minutes before stepping onto the stage and could think of nothing else so i just immediately apologized for my nipples to the large crowd then afterwards several people told me they didn t see any specific nipples and then i felt like i needed to call everyone back to apologize for the lack of nipples i bet this happened to shakespeare all the time victor called as i was getting ready for a reading what are you doing me ironing victor who is this and what have you done with my wife me fuck i just burned a giant hole in my clothes victor oh there she is flying to oregon i ask the flight attendant for cranberry juice she says oh we don t have that here in a sort of baffled way so say okay do you have orange juice and she says of course we have orange juice like it s weird that i would even ask the girl sitting next to me whispers you thought you ordered cranberry juice didn t you i say did i not no apparently i asked for cranberry sauce as if it was thanksgiving signing a book to a woman named michele who is telling me how much she loved a book i d signed at nowhere and had sent to her but i m used to spelling michele with two l s so i accidentally sign it to michelle but then try to fix it by adding with one l omg i m so sorry michele opens up the other book i d sent her before it also says to michelle with one l shit sorry i am nothing if not consistent ly fucking up waiting at the curb for an uber to take me to an event the uber keeps saying that it s there but it s not there so i end up standing awkwardly next to a teenage boy who is flipping one of those signs advertising a pizza shop for 30 minutes he asks if i want to do something with him i tell him i m married he says oh congrats i gotta piss i wonder which of us has had a stroke he clarifies that he needs someone to hold his sign while he pees in case his boss drives by he teaches me the basics of flipping a pizza sign and i hit myself in the head twice and almost lose the sign to a gust of wind when the uber arrives i make him wait while i continue to spin and drop the sign until the kid returns and tags me out the uber driver takes me to the address but i m looking out the wrong window and i say is this it and the driver says uh that s you right and points to a giant electric sign with my name and face on it and i sort of love the idea that he thinks i might be slightly famous but still pick up odd jobs flipping pizza signs on the sidewalk i have lots more but this is getting long and i have to take the dog out more later oh wait one more thing this is the 4th week in a row that how to be okay when nothing is okay is on the indie bookshop bestseller list and i know the nyt one is fancier but i ll take the indie bookshop list over it any day that means that booksellers are hand selling it and book lovers are supporting their local bookshops and i don t even have the words for how much i appreciate that if you have bought the book or gifted it or checked it out from the library or told others about it i cannot thank you enough like this like loading tweet 57 comments i m sorry i didn t plan it this way april 24 2026 in random crap a few days ago i told you that hunter s thomcat had passed and i said that i would soon write funny happy stuff again but then ferris mewler took a very bad turn and the vet said it was time so today he joined hunter apparently this happens more often than we think two bonded pets leaving at the same time and i m imagining them together and hunter gleefully showing ferris around in cat heaven and that s making it a little easier to deal with i know grief is just love that doesn t have anywhere else to go but damn it s a lot and now i m staring at rolly last cat standing and telling her she has to live forever which she seems set on anyway because she is literally older than this blog and just keeps trucking i suppose it s possible that she s some sort of cat highlander who becomes more immortal every time she outlives another cat but i m not planning on getting another cat this year to give us a little time to heal so instead she ll have to vampire off the houseplants that i continue to accidentally kill anyway i m sorry for two very sad posts in a row today i m going to cry a bit and then tomorrow i ll m going to try to be at nowhere bookshop for indie bookshop day because being around people is probably a good idea and also because indie bookshop day is our most fun day of the year so if you see me feel free to say hi and monday i ll be speaking and signing at book people in austin there are a few more tickets left and they were going to have it at a church but they changed it to taking place at the bookstore probably because they know i have some sort of dark aura vampire cat does any of this make sense sorry it s been a rough week i ll be better tomorrow goodnight sweet princes like this like loading tweet 262 comments older posts rss twitter facebook pinterest instagram search for my books subscribe to the bloggess y all enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email it s like i m stalking 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life part hood part good the mack files digesting life in bite sized pieces through the lens of clichés quotes truisms often irreverent always honest barking at the moon if your dog is your furry child you will laugh out loud at tracy beckerman s book about her family a one dog wrecking ball named riley wonder and joy for the wired and tired feeling wired tired and stretched too thin you re not alone re ignite your sense of childlike wonder joy and well being with this enlightening and entertaining book by dr pam stephens lehenbauer well being thought leader and author of the blog mother nature s apprentice stuff and thangs from xanaru a mostly funny stuff about my quest for happiness through stories art friendship great danes one naked weirdo alien cat and indiscriminate swearing how the hell did i not know that humorist lucie frost shares daily instagram reels with learnings of the day words music whatever with plenty of laughs and all the curse words beautiful writers book writers 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