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he movie theater we decided we d walk it on sunday watch a movie and walk back i m really looking forward to that and i have this to look forward to because my life got interrupted i guess it s like when a branch of a tree breaks growth for that branch stops but where it broke the tree will find new ways to grow to be whole again and maybe that s what it all boils down to the lives we live it s all a struggle to be whole and when life interrupts it s actually showing you the way posted by caloy at 2 59 am 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday january 15 2012 of optimism i ve had my share of learning maybe not of the romeo and juliet kind but yeah i ve shed my tears i am not sure i d care very much to put it all in words not that anyone would really be interested to know if i did this is what i know now though only love lasts as a motive for any good we want to do love enables us to die for others love spends itself for another i cannot think of love with a shadow of the fear the expectation or even the slightest notion of getting hurt behind me much as i will admit to the highest probability in it i will not let hurt set its foot at the door of love at the same time that i do i have decided years before that when i love i will love period i will embrace it like there is no time to wait and all i have left is now there will be no conditions there will be no restrictions i only have myself to offer anyway i ve got nothing more if i lose that then god have mercy on the one who loses it for me as for me i have survived this way for the past years not necessarily unscathed but still with my head on my shoulders and my heart in my hands i still manage to wake up in the morning with the hint of a smile as if that in itself is the best thing that could happen to me today call it naive and let it be my greatest fault posted by caloy at 2 34 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday january 11 2012 of resolutions about dating will not date another doctor or any medical practitioner anymore must be with their hippocratic oath that makes them ironically weird next please posted by caloy at 8 19 am 8 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday january 9 2012 of persistence and indifference i work out usually at the fort in weekends and lately i ve been seeing there a former date too i don t know how he got my number but he s been texting me lately and last night i wanted to be mean to him in text he wanted to go out with me again i said i was busy and he said his sister has some bazaar stall with knickknacks that i could be interested in and i said no thanks and he replied how about tonight jesus dating again someone who you used to date but didn t work out is so not fashionable in my book it makes me want to puke when i think about it bile accumulating in my stomach and trying to escape through my mouth people say i m too nice for my own good sometimes or maybe too generous but i have this defense mechanism going on too when i feel like i ve been so nice to someone and that person bad mouthed me or was just nasty and mean to me i will just stop seeing that person friend date i don t think i m obliged to understand everyone s issues it s easier for me to just stay out of that person s way forever the former date and i used to fight well he got mad a lot at me i would pick him up from his house drive him to wherever he wants to go and pay for everything along the way that s fine with me but he would start fights because we would for example arrive at the gym of his choice 5 minutes late because of heavy traffic i would pay phone credits too and he doesn t reply to any of my text messages he would say what i do with those credits whom i text is none of your business he didn t want to go to greenbelt with me because his friends might see us together and he didn t want them to know we were going out later i found out he was dating someone else too this 40 something guy so after i stopped seeing him i started dating someone the former date kept on calling me and one time my current date answered the phone and they had a fight they were both screaming and i thought they were being ridiculous i mean life s easy just disappear i mean come on there s 7 billion people in this planet posted by caloy at 1 56 pm 11 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday december 12 2011 of high risk behaviors having spent most of my adult life in the company of artists my first job was in an orchestra where high risk behavior is the norm almost a membership badge it is rather quite a feat that i myself have not acquired their habits and indulgences smoking is a default past time for most music people they look to it as a biological need as essential as eating or more precisely breathing smoking has been used for as many purposes from laxative to a ritual to ward off bad luck and everything else in between good thing i outgrown the habit clean lungs for years now being acknowledged with perfect notes timely tempo the end of a good run were all occasions to celebrate and celebration meant drinking being stuck in the corps playing badly and the end of a bad run were reasons to commiserate and commiseration demanded drinking in the orchestra complaints about hang over splitting headaches and the possibility of fainting before the end of rehearsals were daily conversational fare during breaks as were sexual conquests of the previous night a running tally of the most cavalier among the boys was regularly updated the girls had their own more discreet tally sheet as well those who tried drugs were lost in that quicksand in no time fast i have lost friends to alcoholism drugs pregnancy and even aids on hindsight a young man just arriving from the province i was a likely candidate for high risk behavior i wanted to belong i was interested in all things new i was up for any dare what steered me away from high risk behavior was my profile i believe now it is a combination of so many things from my upbringing my early education and what i wanted if you grew up climbing trees swimming in rivers running against the wind jumping off cliffs fishing in the sea you know there are other ways to feel better to celebrate life to appreciate yourself more on days when the sun wasn t out and the rain was too cold to bathe in there were the countless worlds inside books being alone wasn t a problem it was a chance for some quiet quietude wasn t bad quietude was a blank page i can create worlds in silence and solitude were friends that even now i still seek out with mindful purpose and lastly i wanted a life in the arts most of all i wanted to sing having wanted that all my life it was clear to me what smoking was going to do to me it dries up the throat and a dry throat loses the brilliance of its sound add to that the stink of smoker s breath alcohol binds with the water in your body for it to be released and of course resulted to dehydration it does accumulating damage to one s brain and of course there s the uncomfortable hangover to look forward to the next day who needs that if you re happy why end it so soon if you feel bad why make it worse it s one day wasted when you could be practicing when you could be working on getting better at your art a life in the arts is already one big risk come to to think of it all of life really is just crossing the street is risk enough and the excitement of getting across safely and being able to live another day to fight for your dreams who needs more excitement than that another reason was that i was aware how my family was susceptible to substance abuse my father was an incorrigible alcoholic even after an aneurysm and a stroke he finally had to give up his love for the bottle on his 2nd fatal stroke which ended everything else for him i have cousins who have had to be rushed to hospitals on drug overdose knowing that somewhere in our genes lurks that one renegade gene making us especially vulnerable to the hold of addiction i knew that if i even dared to start i d be down the drain with one sip i was 24 when i had my first beer before that i have flatly refused secretly drained or just subtly avoided every offered alcoholic drink more than a few times i have been tied down by friends who thought it would be fun to force alcohol on me and were treated to my impersonation of a whale spouting a fountain my first drink was when i turned 24 and i was fully convinced of my strength to avoid things i wanted to avoid it was a planned affair i asked all the friends i could round up to be witnesses it was an act of trust i was finally trusting myself that i was clear enough of who i was i wasn t a drinker my next drink would be a year later i can handle my alcohol i handle it gingerly and not very often now sex sex is a different matter altogether a big city makes experimentation so much easier so many anonymous chances to take as disposable as candies in a wrapper something a small town cannot afford you the fear of being seen with some stranger in a town where you know everybody and everybody knows not only you but even those whom you know the shame of being seen going inside a seedy motel these are to my thinking better deterrents to promiscuity than even the threat of stds i cannot claim to have been untainted by this particular high risk behavior details would be out of taste i have always insisted on safety though or as some friends of mine call the illusion of safety that a condom offers at this age though i ve come to see the truth in what some smart aleck said about sex that without affection it s just friction it gets old high risk behavior is dancing on one s grave it s tempting fate to cut you down in the middle of a party it s a coward s ticket out of the great race one s grave isn t the best place for dancing dancing is wonderful on a stage with people looking on knowing they cannot do half of what you are doing dancing is lovely on a beach under the moon with some one you love but dancing is best in your living room just flapping your arms and being silly with friends with chips strewn all over and soda spraying on everybody why choose the risk to lose when there s the risk of winning posted by caloy at 2 53 pm 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday december 9 2011 of kermit and a strange lesson enjoying the cold weather with this little frog he must have found the light and swallowed it thanks kermit i learned how to seize the day by not following the light and give everything up but to engulf it and shine for others smile posted by caloy at 12 17 pm 8 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday november 15 2011 of virgin suicides i m reading jeffrey euginedes the virgin suicides four days ago i ve always wanted to read it and was finally able to get a copy when my sister and i went to a nearby bookstore as we were waiting for my other brothers to show up for our weekly dinner which i actually looked forward to and enjoyed i guess i really am growing up haha i ve seen the movie three times and each time i remember feeling deeply affected when i get to the scene where cecilia explains why she tried to kill herself the first time obviously doctor you ve never been a 13 year old girl i remember being 12 and wishing with all my heart that i would grow up quickly my male cousins are five or six years older than me and i remember feeling left out when they were starting to talk about girls and stuff and all those things in the world of high school my brothers were of no help of course largely because of the obvious fact that they were still boys in grade school and i was caught in the middle of course growing up my problems were not as scandalous they don t warrant a tragedy like the virgin suicides after all the story s context is us suburban life but i remember a friend s observation while we were having a heart to heart over beer middle class families in the philippines are incredibly dysfunctional and what s worse is that on the surface we like pretending that things are okay i think this is partly why i don t see myself every coming out with an honest to god compilation of creative nonfiction i d be too scared to talk about my family life i m not saying that we have a lot of problems but we have some like everyone else and i wouldn t want to say anything unintentionally hurtful especially now that i m supposed to be all grown up at dinner my sister tells me with a hint of incredulity twenty six ka na pala i don t know what she meant by that exactly she sounded so like mom when she was still alive bleh but yeah if i step back and look at myself i m equally incredulous that i m actually 26 and i don t feel like growing up anymore i wonder if cecilia s statement can be transposed to my current state obviously doctor you ve never been a 26 year old queer boy this is spot on as i have to schedule some check ups in a few days what with all these growing pains and some cancer at 26 this is a short version of my to do list short term plan get rid of this fockin c long term plan i have no idea very winona ryder ish ala reality bites don t you think posted by caloy at 10 00 am 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday november 12 2011 of first love and then some so i m going to talk about something tawdry like love i probably have never had more offers to be in a relationship in my life than in the past few weeks i m sure i have never had more offers etc i d get carried away and agree it s a good idea and then about 30 minutes later have second thoughts i really don t feel like rationalizing i ll just tell you of my first love the pseudo love affair that one was a hoot it is the moon no my first love wasn t the moon it s the moon that s got me thinking about my first love he was in med school i was just starting at work and because of his schedule i would refrain from disturbing him even if i wanted so badly to be with him especially during full moons it s when i get loony it s when i want to sing about how much i like him when i want to dance circles around him when i want to shoot the ceiling from being so happy to have found him i couldn t med school can t let you do that schedule to the moon s waxing and waning i would walk all the way from my building to his apartment walking through dark streets all the while singing all the romantic songs i know along the way i d cross a bridge spanning a river not a very romantic bridge it s just ugly and the river s all littered with garbage but in the moonlight the garbage glimmered like the river was sprinkled with diamonds i d always bring a coin to throw into the water never wishing for anything i wished for other people that they would find as much happiness as i had then i d go bac...