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s going to soon be a reality i found at in late march of 2007 that i was expecting i was happy glad excited but mostly really scared could i really raise a child i have never been a person who dealt with babies much i did lots of babysitting and teaching but all of those kids knew how to use the bathroom on their own tie their shoes wipe their noses etc i think you get the picture i kind of felt like this was out of my element i started to worry after finally convincing my husband that this was real we made an appointment like most people do and began our prenatal visits the summer came and as my morning sickness turned into all day nausea we realized that we needed to quickly get our house ready for another member the summer is when we have tried to complete lots of projects that we just don t have the time for during the school year so we painted our spare bedroom bought a crib and dresser and began to collect baby things gradually as we found them sometime that summer we found out that we were having a boy what a great surprise i kind of wanted a boy b c i m not the most girly girl there is i have a love hate relationship with pink everything for little girls is pink but that is another post for another day well the summer came and went and it was back into another school year i started teaching 3rd grade with a great team of teachers i quickly began to feel the pressures again teaching while being pregnant was really hard i had a really challenging class that year and wanted to get everything planned out for when i had to take my maternity leave i m a firstborn and i think that means that we like to have all the plans laid out in a nice orderly fashion but when those plans don t work out the way we think they should we firstborns have a really hard time adjusting to that the middle of october i had a lot going on but i quickly rushed out of work that day to make it to one of my appointments that appointment changed my life forever i was basically flying into the office and had barely sat down when they called me back and did all the normal pregnancy tests for each visit that is when i was told that my blood pressure was quite elevated and i had protein in my urine sorry i kind of have to be real here this being my first time doing this i had no idea what that meant my doctor sent me to the hospital that day and said that i might want to be ready to deliver a baby what i was only 30 weeks along no where near ready to have a baby after my husband showed up and got the scoop from the doctor he was really great at reassuring me that it was just to make sure my blood pressure went down i had no idea what my blood pressure had to do with the baby but later found out that they were quite concerned about my health more than with the baby i was told that i would be on bed rest until i had the baby for me that was hard but not impossible i had a lot of support at school and my sub who had planned to take over for me when i was going to be on maternity leave just started a little earlier like 2 months earlier sitting at home doing nothing gave me a chance to read pray write and mostly rest it was really tough though i went from being really busy and having too much to do to having nothing to do for 3 weeks i rested about that time i had a bio physical profile which is basically a sonogram but they are looking for specific movements growth and some other measurements i knew something was not quite right when the person doing my sonogram would not look at me or even say much to me she then directed me to go see my doctor i thought that was strange i wasn t scheduled to see my doctor at that time but my pastor s wife took me and waited in the car for me as i entered the office the receptionists looked at me and quickly got me into a waiting room without checking me in or anything strange but i was still clueless as to what would happen next i m sitting in a room waiting for what seems like quite a while when another doctor i ve never met comes in and asks me if there is anyone who could be with me right now i said that my pastor s wife was waiting for me in the car and then said why they told me that i should probably have someone with me before they told me what was going on my pastor s wife called her husband and my husband too we waited for a long time my pastor got there but it took my husband a little longer as he was coming from a nearby town about 30 minutes away the doctor came in again and told me that it was not good news and that the baby had no heart beat at the sound of those words i was in a state of shock i could not believe what i was hearing i didn t cry just sat there i knew that i was going to have to tell my husband and it would crush him eventually he got there and i told him not only did i cry but i sobbed i never knew life could be this disappointing but my husband s first words were of great comfort god is still in control we were sent immediately to the hospital where they were once again monitoring my blood pressure and kept asking me if i was seeing spots why would they ask me that i will tell you more on that later i went through some of the most painful procedures of being induced as my body thought it had more time to prepare itself to have a baby i will say that next to hearing that our baby was gone being induced was the most difficult thing in the world to me at that point i will just say it it stunk i was in a constant state of being poked checked given meds a state of fear and mostly really sad i hated that room after about a day and a half i delivered my son stillborn on november 2 2007 at 1 14 pm the umbilical cord was wrapped extremely tight around his neck and that was the cause of him passing we decided to name him caden everett there was no significance to that name but we had it picked for quite a while after we knew he would be a boy it was unique enough yet still had some normal ness about that name i will probably write another post about naming our kids in the future we were flooded grief and as i held him in my arms that day i looked down at his face and new that he was perfect but that he wasn t there his first memories got to be with christ and that gave me so much comfort in such a painful time we had many friends and family come to visit us and they just had no words for what to say i didn t tell you but that weekend was going to be our baby shower and it had to be cancelled my emotions were all over the place and i just wanted to go home but they would not let me until my blood pressure went down and my blood pressure wasn t going down b c i was too stressed how do you not stress when you ve had the most precious gift taken from you or so that was how i saw it at the time it took me about 4 days to finally get to a place where they were going to let me go home in sharing this with you this is my account of how things happened but my journey was just beginning god had some other plans for me and a road for me to walk down that was much harder than i expected or even wanted i ve been encouraged to share openly and honestly b c i ve been told by some other women that it helps to hear my story i m grateful that my son caden has a legacy he s leaving and that my pain was not and is not for nothing most of all i have not wanted to waste what i ve been given whether good or bad i pray that god uses my story to make a difference in someone who has nobody and that by sharing i can encourage others that life is never quite what we expect but with our hope in christ we can live regardless of what this world throws at us god never promised us a life of comfort or without trials and heartache but he did promise he would go with us through the storm i do have more to say and this is not the end of my story but is a good stopping point for me right now mira posted by mira at 7 10 am no comments labels caden recently it s been a while since i last posted i wonder if anyone even reads anymore but then i am reminded of why i started this blog in the first place and i keep coming back to it recently we ve been hit with a lot of trials you would think i would be used to it by now facing trials is something that i have grown accustomed to dealing with and hopefully learning from each one many times i fail miserably and have to start all over learning some lessons the hard way and many times i just have to keep pressing on i think of james where he says blessed is the man who perseveres under trial for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life god promises to those who love him what a great thought to know that god has a plan for my trials and that he delights in me when i persevere through the tough times it reminds me daily that this earth is not our forever home and i should not get too comfortable here so i thought i would take some time to share some things that have been heavy on my heart i don t know why so many challenging things happen in life but i do know that god has it in his control and there is a plan i wonder a lot what that plan is and have come to the conclusion that i will probably not know some of those plans this side of heaven but i hold onto the hope that god will lead me and guide my family 2015 did not start out too well or us right before christmas my grandma had a massive stroke i ve seen people that have had strokes before and i realize how debilitating it is to recover from one but in my experience i ve seen them recover however that was not the plan for my grandma her stroke hit a part of her brain that was inoperable we watched her quickly slip into a state where she was no longer coherent my husband kids and i were able to see her a couple days before christmas on a day that she was doing really good after that things went down hill really fast she ended up passing away a couple of days after christmas i wasn t really close to my grandma but we always went to her house ever since i was really little she lived on a farm and it was one of those places where you could run free and not get into too much trouble eventually when i began to have kids my own kids would just run free too it s very different than city living i m really going to miss some of the things i didn t get to do yet with her she always talked about teaching me how to crochet and knit she was amazing at it i regret that i never really learned that from her i also have been really cherishing the quilts and blankets she s made for our family that has weighed heavy on my heart and i think is a little of how grief is working in me right now i have a hard time sleeping and just want to watch movies late into the night to mask my sorrow and regrets i haven t really shared that with too many people but there it is i said it after all the trips back and forth and the funeral my husband got really sick i won t go into too many details but he missed almost a week of work he rarely even misses a day let alone a whole week so i was trying real hard to keep the kids quiet while he slept and rested to get better i did eventually take him to the doctor where we found out that he had the flu and on the verge of having pneumonia along with an enlarged liver so we have had to make some changes in our habits i can share more on that in another post we have some awesome friends who saw how busy i was working taking care of everything in our house that they took our kids for an evening and allowed me some time to myself i got a pedicure which i haven t had since i think last june it was a nice treat for me and definitely met a need in our lives a short time later i found out that a couple that we ve gotten to know briefly at church delivered a stillborn son i m so sad for them i remember how heartbroken and overwhelmed i was and it pains me to hear that someone else has to go through that i ve prayerfully sought out how god would have us reach out to this couple i know what was helpful for us but i also know people need different things at different times i eventually called the wife and offered my support and encouragement i know the journey will be tough for them this has got me thinking a lot about how to serve doing the lord s work i don t know what he has planned for me in that area but it warms my heart that my painful circumstances can encourage someone else i don t like that it has to be that way but it is now we are having some house issues being home has allowed me some great time to spend with my kids but i also see how much need there is in our house so our garage door opener broke which would have been ok except that my car was stuck inside the garage and i needed to pick up jaycee from school luckily i have met a couple of great parents with kids at jaycee s school and one of the moms was able to pick her up and bring her home such a god thing if you ask me then we had a broken garbage disposal which can be fixed but tom hasn t had the time and then my vacuum cleaner won t pick up anything it s hard to keep a house clean with two kids a dog and a husband when you don t have a properly working vacuum cleaner when it rains it pours most of those things will get taken care of probably by the time i m done writing this but it was just one thing after another i keep asking myself what does god want me to learn from all of this right now i think it is a great time for reflection i had almost two days where i couldn t go anywhere unless i walked so i worked on trying to memorize james again i considered what my fitness goals are and i worked on our budget and savings plan nothing too exceptional but just some down time that i wasn t expecting i am healing from the regrets i have after losing my grandma and realize that while i know she is in a better place it has affected me more than i realized i m also seeing that god is changing me in ways that i don t quite understand i have also been wondering if maybe god is calling me to something more i just don t have any clear answers or direction and so i will wait patiently for him to guide my steps and show me what he wants me to do mira posted by mira at 4 18 am no comments labels family mira tom tuesday december 16 2014 november where does the time go the last two months were a whirlwind someone once told me that the days are long but the years are short i m beginning to understand what they were talking about so i will share with you a little about what we did in november november for us always starts off in a kind of bittersweet way it seems like it is getting harder and harder for me to know how to best celebrate caden and what he meant to us and to let others know that i need them at the time of year i never want to be a bother to anyone but i also am aware that they may not know how to help and need direction from us what will be helpful so we got away for a day and ended up in tulsa where we experienced the aquarium there we spent the rest of the month thinking about what we are thankful for here are some of our favorites each other it s...