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epiphany facebook official holy shit new life relationships super hero superhero uncategorized whoa wonder woman young and stupid tagged humor michael jordan toothbrush waste container what to expect when you re expecting a break up posted on september 30 2011 leave a comment i think everyone has a general idea of what happens after a break up however there were a few things that i did not expect in the slightest so i thought it would be beneficial to divulge those experiences 1 calling all deficient men perhaps the most surprising experience to me is the way people come out of the woodwork immediately after they find out you re single literally within an hour after the break up post hit people s facebook news feed i had 4 boys begin chatting me up also surprising was that i never would have thought they d be interested i took their rushed interest as a clear sign that i should avoid these boys altogether why six and a half year relationship getting dumped on facebook train wreck seriously i was one split personality disorder and pair of hair clippers away from looking like this first of all what boy interested in a legitimate relationship is looking for a girl who is a complete train wreck i concluded that they were probably deficient and when i say deficient i mean my strange addiction deficient i was genuinely concerned that these boys were obsessed with picking hair out of drains or eating comet second of all i would be freaking stupid to put my happiness in someone else s hands again like this kind of stupid 2 that shit ain t fo real you won t believe the break up is real it was like watching someone else s life for months after the break up except i felt everything the other person was feeling in my particular case we spent a good month and a half trying to work things out which was irrational and messy we are creatures of habit it s hard to stop interacting with someone who has been in your daily life for 8 years after a lot of thought i ve concluded that break ups are like mourning a death you mourn the loss of a part of your life and that really is what it is i built a life with the asshole that s what i refer to him as now a days and that life died when the relationship died 3 it s gon rain you know that saying when it rains it pours the damn thing couldn t be more true here s what happened to me after the break up a week or so later i found a dog in a bad neighborhood as i passed her on the street i thought she was a baby deer because she was so skinny she was literally walking death there were gaping holes in her abdomen and i could see her insides i ve always loved animals and for ethical reasons have been a vegetarian for close to 10 years some people wouldn t be as affected as i was by this experience but to this day i cry just thinking about it it was the worst evil i ve seen in my life once at the vet he looked at her for a total of 2 or 3 minutes before he said that putting her down was the most merciful thing we could do i kept asking if there was anything he could do to save her but he said it was too late in 20 years of practice he had never seen an animal treated so cruelly a couple of weeks later i started my new job on the way home from work on my second day i got into a car accident nearly totaling my car a few weeks after that i got into another accident with a different car someone else caused the only accident i had been in after 8 years of driving now in a 3 week period i had been in two accidents that were entirely my fault my problem was that i was so distraught that i wasn t paying attention to my surroundings 4 it s over the fat lady sang and your music sucks meaningful and meaningless songs alike will remind you of him her in short your music is ruined you have 3 options in this situation first suffer through it second find new music third and probably the most efficient throw your i pod and computer off a 10 story building cause let s face it that bastard s face is probably your desktop background anyway 6 i don t give a f k something completely unexpected was how reckless i felt i by no means wanted to hurt myself purposely but as lil jon says i didn t give a f k there is no rational reason that someone with my driving skill set should take out my father s mid life crisis and drive 140 mph but i did it and that is the only thing i m willing to share because the rest of my experiences are even more illegal 7 did the dentist shoot nova cane into my brain a few months after the break up i became emotionally numb not only did i not care but i couldn t feel anything i think that might be part of the reason i began doing risky things i felt something driving 140 mph sure it was probably just an increase in heart rate or an adrenaline rush but it was something the first date i went on after everything was the first time i felt any sort of excitement unfortunately i confused excitement with interest but that s a different post regardless it is a difficult feeling to explain it was the loss of hope i legitimately felt like i would never have feelings for anyone or anything again i even felt nothing for the asshole anymore no anger or love or regret there was just nothing leave a comment posted in break up britney spears change facebook official family guy fo real holy shit i don t give a fuck independence is gon rain it s gon rain new life nothing nova cane relationships split personality disorder stupid train wreck uncategorized vegetarian what to expect what to expect when you re expecting whoa tagged facebook facebook news feed lil jon relationship breakup traffic collision train wreck twitter why 500 days of summer is accurate posted on august 29 2011 leave a comment i find myself now a date in early may at the point where i can stand to watch chick flicks without the desire to put a limb in the microwave instead of the popcorn and so i recently decided to do something i have been unable to do since before the break up i watched 500 days of summer before i begin i d like to discuss how someone i know summed up 500 days of summer pretentious i love this movie for a number of reasons first the music is amazing 500 days of summer is solely responsible for what i believe will be a life long love affair with the pixies second i have a huge crush on the main character aka tom and who wouldn t look at him once you overcome the sexiness induced paralysis that is joseph gordon levitt you can watch the final reason that this movie is amazing which is the following dance sequence chya exactly despite loving the movie i never evaluated its accuracy since i had no basis for doing so thus at the time i concluded that i was missing something that made it pretentious watching the movie again after my experiences the last 4 months reminded me of her criticism of it i ve concluded she could not have been more wrong 500 days of summer actually says something important it is by no means an unrealistic hipster tastic movie it is so on the nose at least in my experience that there is no doubt in my mind that the screen writer was in a committed relationship that ended in complete turmoil the movie takes the viewer through the following stages stage 1 happiness one of the highest points of a relationship feels exactly how joseph gordon levitt looks in the video above stage 2 the break up at least in my experience the scene in the diner was eerily accurate immediately after discovering via facebook news feed chya that s how it went down that my almost seven year relationship had been dissolved i decided to make things worse and call him the entire duration of our conversation he coldly ate his lunch similar to how summer took no issue with eating her pancakes as she broke up with tom stage 3 complete devastation the scene where joseph gordon levitt is standing dazed in his kitchen mechanically breaking dish after dish on his counter that is legit i had a similar experience it s a numb and helpless feeling and you don t know what to do to make it stop the morning after my break up i stared at muted soccer for 4 hours barely moving despite that i d prefer the following to watching sports stage 4 the inability to accept your new reality in the movie tom becomes convinced that he will win summer back from my experience and from what i ve been told about others experiences there s a period after a break up when everyone thinks they ll somehow get back together with their ex as i mentioned in my last post this is what makes myself and fellow dumpees dumbasses this happens when our rational thought processes are corrupt by feelings what does this imply robots humans and if you wanna argue about it then look at this the above strapping metal fellow is bender from futurama if you doubt that robots are better than humans then consider this bender binge drinks to sustain himself is selfish and a kleptomaniac and most importantly has no emotion bender is awesome and probably what should be aspired to by every truly rational person stage 5 the relapse tom s relapse takes place when he attends a co worker s wedding summer is on the same train as him as she too is attending the wedding they talk laugh and dance one figuratively watches tom walk into a burning building with no exit stage 6 the final gravity hits at the wedding summer invites tom to a party at her apartment at the party he is yet again crushed by his own unrealistic expectations for the evening tom learns that summer is engaged i m not going to pretend that when gravity hit i wasn t a complete mess luckily my bfff that s best fucking friend forever fyi and a few others were the only witnesses it s possible that it was the lowest point in my life thus far all of the stress confusion and anxiety that had built for months suddenly came to a head and i became an uncontrollable blubbering mess i believe the word my bfff used to describe my state was delirious stage 7 destruction tom s destruction is seen after he truly realizes it s over there is a scene where he gets out of bed walks to the nearest liquor store in his robe and slippers buys only orange juice and whiskey and then yells at the obnoxiously happy couple passing by on the street while walking himself home on several occasions after my break up i would realize at the end of the day that an article of my clothing was on incorrectly one instance that particularly stands out was when it took until 4pm one day at work for me to realize that my shirt was on inside out stage 8 acceptance and moving on after a period of moping tom suddenly snaps out of it and begins to turn his life around like every break up people begin throwing themselves into something for tom it was architecture for me it was the lsat and rediscovering how much i love running leave a comment posted in 500 days of summer break up change charlie sheen epiphany holy shit independence joseph gordon levitt new life pretentious relationships uncategorized whoa young and stupid zoey deschanel tagged bender days of summer facebook news feed futurama joseph gordon levitt relationship breakup time tom the torturing posted on may 29 2011 leave a comment admittedly it seems a bit melodramatic to compare emotional anguish to physical torture but that is exactly what i m about to describe feels like being less cryptic i m talking about the self torture that follows a break up the worst part of it is that you know that what you re doing or about to do will hurt but you have to do it you simply cannot control yourself self torturing is the complete loss of control and rationality some context is necessary before i go into detail i dated someone for close to 7 years he moved to poland to attend medical school and i was eventually supposed join him there although we had no immediate plans to get married or even engaged we both operated our lives under the assumption that we d be together into our senile years however he digressed when he moved away he began going out and acting like an 18 year old frat boy with his new friends who i assume have never matured given that the most interesting part of self torture is that there are several ways to do it self torture technique 1 repeatedly go to your ex s facebook page facebook has become the place to announce or denounce a relationship so much so that facebook official has become the new way to determine a relationship s degree of legit ness when he decided to denounce our relationship on facebook which also happens to be the way i found out i was single he didn t bother to remove the post most people would do this because it creates unwanted drama and discussion amongst one s peers so he either digressed and basked in the drama or he was guilty of complete ignorance and failed to see this and being that we had been together since high school there was plenty of discussion now just to paint a picture of what his new friends posted here s one post in particular that i won t forget the exact wording slips my mind but it had something to do with the hoes that were going to be all up on him now that he was single the very last thing you want to know or hear about when you go through a break up as i ve learned since this was my first is about that person even potentially being with someone else and i don t just mean sexually self torture technique 2 don t make a clean break clean breaks are for sissies to make it short he came back to the states for a little while after a lot of talking arguing and crying and against everyone s better judgment except my own because i was so freaking pathetic we decided to try to work things out i met with a friend recently who also happened to be going through a break up and he said something pretty enlightening everyone thinks their relationship is unique and everyone thinks they can work it out but and i m using my own words here they re dumbasses thus under the impression that we weren t really going to stay broken up the vicious cycle of false hope flowers on valentine s day disappointment and devastation when rationality kicked in and then the return of false hope when rationality was again lost began self torture technique 3 every time you start to feel good find something to make yourself feel like this the real torture had yet to begin two months later i had an epiphany and concluded that i was quite possibly the most pathetic semi feminist to ever exist i decided that it needed to change and that i no longer wished to speak to him now the worst torture i experienced came around this time i d start to feel great for the first time in almost 7 years i felt free to do exactly what i wanted when i wanted with no thought about how my actions would affect anyone other than myself then i d see hear or remember something my chest would tighten up and not crying in the middle of the grocery store would be my only concern i made the mistake of looking through all of our pictures together on facebook one day before work next thing i knew i was having a full blown panic attack ...