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Text of the page (random words):
r so it was hard for him to see me and my siblings much we reminded him too much of his deceased son however i was obsessed with astronomy and so was he it was one of the few things we had in common when i was in fourth grade the only thing i wanted for my birthday was a telescope when i got home from school the day of my birthday he was there waiting for me with a telescope in hand when i heard he had passed i was heartbroken however i didn t really know my papi even though he lived not even thirty minutes away i didn t even cry at the start of the funeral it wasn t until i heard his stories at the service that i really got to know him this man lived an extremely full life papi was a partier he was one to go skiing in a speedo and he had a story for anything he s been everywhere done everything he lived every moment to the fullest not only did i learn more about him but i learned how much he loved me and my siblings he would brag to his friends all the time about us he especially loved to share my grandkids call me papi big papi one of his good friends shared a time when he was especially sick at the hospital close to death he said that he knew the end was near and the good moments were becoming fewer and fewer he said the other day was a good day when asked why he replied my grandkids came and saw me i burst into tears i meant everything to my grandpa and i only assumed he didn t want to see me i had been asked to sing to close his funeral but by the end of the song i could barely sing a note i was heavy with so much regret why hadn t i taken advantage of the time i had with him when he was alive i felt like i was getting to know who my grandpa was after he was gone late at night when i can t sleep i am sometimes suffocated by the thought of just how fragile life is it s a scary idea but it s known that this world is filled with deadly perils that could leave someone lifeless in an instant the last time i saw my dad he left the house screaming threatening my mom and my family nobody could have known that would have been the last we saw of our dad he sure as heck didn t know it was his last goodbye i am willing to bet he wished he had left things differently when he never came home growing up in a world of violence and death in my family allowed me to see all the horrors life has to offer from a very early age in the back of my mind i held onto this knowledge like it was what was going to save me from all of this hardship and grief for a long time this left me bitter and closed off i didn t cry i didn t keep my friends it felt like i was constantly running from something i was protecting myself being alone left me to dwell even more in the cynical concepts about life i had solidified in my mind however my ideas soon expanded years later my mother remarried a few years ago soon after she had another child in addition to me and my four other siblings i was not sure what to feel about this at first but when the baby was born i instantly felt a connection i loved this baby however i kept myself closed off from her this fragile little girl left me with more sleepless nights worrying about her i stressed about suffocation sids other correlating phenomenons anything that might take my little sister away from me one more person to worry about losing one night when my new little sister was nearly a year old i was jolted awake by a dream that made my blood run cold in my dream i watched my baby sister get horrifically shot i truly believed when i awoke that my she had been killed quickly i realized i had been dreaming and ran into her room i held her close and cried from that moment forward i vowed to never take my family for granted i would take advantage of every moment i had in moments of irritation or anger i would remember to put the relationship first over my own frustrations i would set aside time to connect with my family members no matter how busy my life might become every time i walk out the door i turn around to say one last goodbye to my family no matter how we may be feeling about each other at that moment i m not always going to be reminded when i am too prideful to see that the final moment will come the final morning with a loved one it is times like this that remind me to slow down just a little and see all the good in my life those final words and last goodbyes are not always on the foregrounds of my mind but maybe if they were i would make every moment count a little more it is not the battles won that determine if i am capable enough person it is not the coat the little boy wears to school that determines if his mom is a good enough mom it s the moments taken to truly see someone to fully enjoy life right now to appreciate something witnessed every day that made my life worthwhile not every goodbye will be the last one but i don t think i want to take a chance i do not want to waste my life just trying to get through the day attempting to barely make it to school on time trying to win every fight dying to be perfect it s too much the next time a moment of stress or anger leaves me feeling like i have lost a fight i hope i can remember that there is so much more to lose than an insignificant battle so i ll lose a few battles if it means gaining a little bit of love one day when it is gone i might have wished i had let it win i ve learned that my life is not about winning the battle it s about remembering what i m fighting for posted by ashlee at 9 17 am 11 comments may 11 2022 story behind my name what is the story behind the name the moments we stand it all started out of no where one day i just felt this pulling this incredible prompting that i needed to write our story i needed to get it out of my head i needed to start a blog i was so scared i could hardly breathe i was on my knees all morning begging for a different option but i knew it was what i had to do the anger that had been stuck inside of me got excited for a minute and i remember saying out loud all right fine you want me to write this story you got it i created the blog and started pounding out my anger writing my story of how three people had one big collision and left me a broken soul i spent hours writing about heartbreak pain fear and hate soon my entire computer shut down i frantically pulled my blog back up and went to the post nothing had saved not one word i burst into tears and frantically reminded god that he had asked me to write this story despite my desperate desire to shove it under a rug and run from it his answer is one that i will never forget i heard these words in my mind ashlee i see you and i know that this was hard but i need you to start over and talk about all the moments you were able to stand and there was my name he didn t need me to write about the hate he was asking me to look for my own strength and remember the times i was surrounded by his when i was a kid i always liked to be back stage i was strangely shy for such a sassy little human and didn t love taking the solos or even going up on stage when i had to perform on any level i liked to cheer from behind the curtain for my sisters and friends i was almost always the giant on my cheer team we are talking 5 9 by the end of 7th grade and served well as a back spot i liked to support and help others shine but rarely felt comfortable in a role that i had to this blog was a moment when i thought god was telling me to share what it looked like having a new life chosen for me i thought he was letting me sit comfortably in my victimhood i thought he was asking me to share my pain of how i always stood behind people to help them shine even in their demise instead he asked me to step up to write my story not as a character who stood on the sidelines watching the explosion but as the main character who was going to get back up he wanted me to write my story not as something that had been acted upon but as someone who would be taking action to not only find the light but to stand up for others as they did the same it didn t just heal me it changed me he has continued to stretch me and believe in me more than i knew possible when i wrote my book launching these courses to support others in their pain and grief and every time i have been asked to stand on stage or appear on television he was always with me i was never standing alone i didn t know it was going to turn into anything in fact honestly i would have preferred it just stayed under the rug i didn t want to be known for anything that had to do with this story all it reminded me of was being the girl that wasn t enough i only started writing that day in an attempt to document the legacy of our history for my children so one day when the pain was too much they could know where to find the full truth instead he taught me that there was more to this story and even more to me it s easy in life to focus on the hate it is easy to focus on the pain and the fear because they re real but here i want to stick with what i know is truth i want to share hope that we are all capable beings full of light and strength and we can choose to stand even when it is hard if you are new here welcome i am loving reading your questions and hearing your survival stories this is a team of warriors that i am so proud to be apart of i hope you find this to be a safe place to be vulnerable and to acknowledge your story and even more i hope you find this to be a safe place to remember your truths find your strength and remember your worth you are stronger than you know whatever he asks of you you will find a way the moments you stand despite the pain there will be light the moments we stand despite the fear there will be strength the moments we stand despite the heart ache there will be joy your story isn t over keep standing posted by ashlee at 7 18 pm 1 comments may 9 2022 nice to meet you it seems there are a lot of new faces here i always love a week when dateline or dr phil reruns play and i make so many new friends instead of answering all of you in my dms i want to reintroduce myself and my family and tell you a little more about us than you get from our story on one of those murder mystery shows i am going to answer a few of the usual questions here in the next few posts how long has it been and where are you now it has been 11 years since emmett s murder sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday others feel like it has been many lifetimes ago this is the crew now you know the five oldest bostyn and bailey are now 17 teage 15 kaleeya almost 13 tytus 11 what i love most about every single one of them is that they choose joy they have taken the hard parts of their life and used it as a reason to have compassion and love for others they are positive and hopeful these five have been my greatest example that we can keep going and keep writing a story better than the day before each of them had to grow up way too fast but they aren t bitter they could be so angry but instead they are so bright it has been the most fulfilling part of motherhood watching them rise despite their pain four years ago we were blessed with an amazing new chapter scott and i were married and have since had kennady almost 3 and kylar 1 we couldn t be more grateful for how this family has grown scott is the most genuine real soul i have ever met and the most steady man that could have ever chosen us having babies at home again has been amazing they help keep us all grounded and bring a whole new light to our lives we have had our share of healing after murder many of us still battle ptsd some have gone through a lot of anxiety bostyn has openly shared her battle with anorexia so when you ask how did you make it though my answer is we still are healing journeys all look different your healing journey is going to be unique just like your story up until this moment don t give up and when a new angle or struggle comes up on your path know that it is normal and it is going to be ok just don t you dare give up we are here still sharing our struggles and our pain and our triumphs and joys because that is life a rollercoaster of ups and downs on this page we are still choosing to stand and we know you can too no matter where you have been or where you want to go you can chose to stand it is never too late and you are never too broken you have the choice to start a new chapter and finish writing your story we are so grateful for the chance to finish writing ours with a new perspective on how fragile life can be and how we can make every moment count thanks for finding us here we promise to keep it real and share the hard and the good send me more of your questions i am ready to share posted by ashlee at 7 12 pm 1 comments april 19 2022 widow course i am so excited one of the greatest gifts i have been given over the last 11 years has been being able to sit with others who have felt deep grief and loss out of all the things i have felt prompted to do in my healing it has been those hundreds of moments connecting to other widows and people in pain that have given me the most strength one of my gifts has been my ability to share truth and give hope and i am so thankful god has trusted me to help others on their journey to seek out their spiritual gifts truths and strengths and turn to his light a long time i ago i was given a promise that i would have the ability to still find beauty in the world even when things were hard i didn t know what that hard would look like but i remember how peaceful i felt as that statement settled inside of me i knew it was true i would always seek beauty even when the world felt dark i am honored and humbled to announce that i have had the opportunity to create a series of courses to be able to do what i love most sit with you i want to help guide you as you find space in your healing journey and seek options beyond being stuck in this series we are going to be digging into beliefs fears and road blocks to clear space for truth fresh energy and moving forward so you can feel more joy no matter what we have been through we have a choice to make we can stay stuck or we can choose a lighter path that gives us more freedom to live a life filled with light i am exited to announce that the first course is launching next week it s titled the light within a guided course for widows this widows course is obviously dear to my heart and had to be the first course of this series thank you to all who have supported me on every part of this journey thank you for showing up at areasontostand events and sharing your stories with me thank you for your emails thank you for buying my book and sharing it thank you for giving me a safe place to vulnerably share my pain and letting me share my story and my heart you have given me a place to heal in a way that i have felt inspired to seek it and thank you for being there for each other i love hearing your stories of how you supported each other and found hope in each other s stories i want to celebrate this releas...