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Text of the page (random words):
way had a bit of a religious experience where i literally felt the anger lift off of me but the anger was replaced by fear crippling paralyzing fear of men again understandable given my past it took me more than a few months to identify the specific emotion and another few to process it through with my therapist s help i m not actually afraid of all men just ones who have power over me because that s how you get hurt it s scary being vulnerable finally i got to a place where i thought maybe it was safe to dip my toes back in the water so this weekend i gave it a try turns out i was incorrect i m gonna need a bigger boat back at the end of january i d met this guy who was a friend of a friend we kind of hit it off in conversation and he seemed interested i mean he even bought me drinks we saw each other a few times in casual group settings and he still seemed nice and cute and we had a few things in common we texted a bit here and there nothing big but nothing to make me think he wasn t interested in taking this to a dating level for my part i d kept it professional slash friendly no i don t work with him but i don t know how else to describe the at a distance place at which i keep people until i know them better which in the case of most guys is never but i was beginning to feel like i was getting over my fear and maybe it was time to see if i could try dating again so this weekend i decided that if he showed up at the group event i was going to on friday night i might test the waters and try actually flirting with him he did show up and i flirted with him he flirted back score things were getting comfortable and a kind of touchy but in a good way speaking of touchy ass grab guy from my last post showed up randomly too he knows some of the same people i know but i didn t know he d be there so still being mad at him and not wanting to be a victim i walked up to him he started to introduce himself but i interrupted him and said we ve met i refreshed his memory on when and where and he said oh yeah whereupon i interrupted him again and said you grabbed my ass that night and it completely ruined my evening he said oh i m sorry but he looked past me when he said it and he said it like he was confused like maybe i got my story wrong and didn t know what i was talking about i got the distinct impression that he was not actually sorry but i was very clear on what he d done and how it made me feel just steer clear of me tonight i said firmly then i turned on my heel and walked away and that felt really good dang i need to drink tequila more often anyway back to the other guy so we re talking and flirting and he s paying for all the drinks things are going well and i m thinking maybe this could go somewhere maybe i could try going out with this guy then he let me know that he s looking for more than fuck buddies but not in a relationship direct quote my heart sank and my insides went to chill frost on the one hand he was a nice guy and he insisted on paying for the drinks i even tried for real he wouldn t let me and he was honest about saying what he wanted and i never felt compromised or pressured by his behavior on the other hand holy cow i gently informed him that first off more than fuck buddies is kind of a definition of in a relationship so probably he should revisit his goals language second i said i m in a place where i m looking to not have sex right now not until i m actually in a relationship with a best friend whom i m in love with or will be in love with whenever i find and develop said best friendship with whomever what i didn t point out to him is that what he was wanting from me made me feel cheap and less than human like an object to be used and put back on a shelf and if i hadn t gone through the long anger fear healing process that i ve been through i would ve stopped there and wallowed in the misery of why does he think that s all i m worth i m sooooo zen not fortunately however i can see past that i mean from what he s shared of his personal life he s been through a lot the past year and i think he s just depersonalizing relationships so that it doesn t hurt so much i get that further even if that s not it he has a right to want what he wants and to express those wants verbally without violating anyone else s boundaries all of which he did so i don t feel any anger toward him just a bit of frustration and sadness for him that he s in a place which i suspect might be a result of his grief and for me because when i finally think it s okay to open the door a crack i get it slammed in my face at least i have my own back enough at this point to just walk away even if there doesn t seem to be a lot of other fish in the sea saturday night is still date night so the next night was back to date night with myself i really want to find someone i can snuggle up and watch a movie with but the level of trust it s going to take to get to that place seems insurmountable because trust comes with time but it starts with respect and right now i m on an island surrounded by shark infested waters good thing i m also a pirate we ll be okay as long as there s rum anatomy of an ass grab april 1 2018 april 1 2018 mouse 12 comments this is what it feels like late december 2017 so i d decided it was dive bar night and met up with my gf the pool shark at the local hole in the wall place she as usual had traveled with an entourage tonight it was 4 other women and 2 guys all people i hadn t met before i got there a bit late and they already had a game going i got a drink at the bar and joined in for the next game me my gf one of the other women and the two guys were all trading out playing rounds one of the guys sort of looked like channing tatum except a bit older my age the other guy resembled cheech marin i started testing the flirt waters with channing he flirted right back it was light and fun i started feeling good about myself eventually channing and i were paired on one team with cheech and my gf against us this was fun even though channing was on his umpteenth drink him you re sooo hot me you re really drunk him i know but it was the kind of friendly atmosphere where everyone acknowledged each other when someone sank a good shot cheech i noticed would pat channing s butt when he walked past in fact three of the women and the two guys seemed to be rather touchy with each other whatever they all seemed to know each other and that s how they rolled it was all cool until i finally had a decent run after which i circled around the pool table to wait for my next turn as i passed by cheech who was sitting on a bar stool he said good job and patted my butt only he didn t just pat my butt he squeezed it i was wearing jeans and a baggy past my butt black sweater so in order to reach my butt he d had to reach under the back of my sweater and he d done it quickly in the half second it took me to walk past him my good mood instantly evaporated in a cloud of confusion i had just been treated like an object had been deliberately touched without my permission but i didn t understand why why did he think it was okay for him to treat me like that but cheech was behaving like nothing was wrong and that confused me too he was acting the same way he d acted right after he d patted channing s butt only it hadn t been the same thing he hadn t squeezed channing like he d done to me also he and channing were friends from before that night and he d only just met me an hour ago why did he think it was okay to grab me like that when he didn t even know me why did he even have his hand anywhere near my butt i d been having such a good time and i didn t want to let this one jerk ruin my night so i froze and said no no no softly but loud enough that only cheech could hear no no no what cheech asked i didn t respond except to shake my head and move away from him i knew my having fun facial expression had hardened and i knew he could see that even though i didn t look at him he didn t grab my ass the remainder of the night but he proceeded to try to touch me through my sweater s cutaway shoulder holes saying in a voice that sounded fake playful your sweater has holes in it my shoulders were the only skin i had exposed that night aside from my neck head and hands not that it should ve mattered though if i d had a low cut sweater with cleavage falling out or shorts and an exposed belly button this guy didn t have permission to touch and he kept trying to do it anyway it made my bad feeling even worse and i was still bewildered as to why he was doing this to me he wasn t doing it to my gf or to the other woman who was playing with us albeit he seemed to be pretty handsy with the other three women at our table but they were with him as well and they all knew each other i tried to squash my anger that began to rise up afraid that if i punched him like i wanted to i d be the one guilty of ruining everyone else s night not to mention that i knew i d be the one with assault charges brought against me and he d be the victim all i could do was to keep well out of arm s reach of him the rest of the night i tried to recapture the fun feeling but it was gone instead i felt a lot of anger and humiliation and it took me a few weeks to fully process it all because of some asshole s feelings of entitlement and superiority thinking he had a right to a half second of gratification at my expense because i didn t matter as a human being side note that night about a half hour later cheech channing and the other women left i then told my gf that cheech had grabbed my ass seriously she asked yeah i replied wow i wonder what his wife would think of that he s married i asked yeah to the half drunk woman who was sitting next to him sometimes i really don t understand people in the land of losers vol 4 in which i am still a loser but now also a prostitute november 21 2017 november 21 2017 mouse 2 comments o dante was mine the life you d foreseen when you were inspired with the title of your divine comedy so i don t do dating sites or speed dating or group dating or blind dating or really any kind of dating these days but that s beside the point i have issues don t judge i ve tried several dating sites and they re all the same a place to make excellent pen pals but otherwise a major time suck however a few months ago a friend of mine asked me to help him beta test a site he d created he believed he d cracked the magical dating mystery code by developing a new algorithm for matching compatibility since he s a rocket scientist literally and he knows how to create algorithms i thought he might actually know what he was talking about after all i have to use spell check every time i even type the word algorithm i told him okay and copied and pasted my profile from my rfq which has gotten zero responses so far btw that s another post and signed up being as my friend s site is still in its testing stages it won t go live until 2018 there are as of now only 300 users not bad for a beta test group of those 300 users i have 21 matches of those 21 matches no one had contacted me in the three months since i d signed up which was weird but oddly refreshing my previous experiences like most women was that i was bombarded by 50 winks and 5 messages in the ten minutes it took me to sign up and then went downhill from there just please stop i can t even tell the difference between all of your winks and my cursor blinks anymore on my friend s site my first five matches were all dummy test profiles made obvious by screen names like p test and my only message conversation was with my friend to ascertain whether the chat function was working properly it was he was so elated i checked in on the site about once a week to see if there were any new functions new matches etc but otherwise it was a peaceful calm risk free zone until 2 weeks ago note my user name on this site is jaded sapphire this because i like pretty shiny things and i love the color blue but i ve become weary and leery of dating sites jaded also it s the first thing that popped into my head when i was signing up him why so jaded sapphire seriously ugh i decided to overlook this lameness since we were both fellow beta testers but i was at work when i got the message so i quickly typed out the first pithy similarly lame response that came to me me because green and blue make aqua and i m into aqua atm how about you what s your favorite color his response a few days later was polite but he said that he d had some bad dating site experiences and if i was a professional that was cool but it wasn t his thing and he wasn t interested i didn t understand his message and had to read it a few times before i got it he thought i was a hooker he apparently thought this because i d used the term atm like i was asking for money or something whaaa i m in my late 40s but i have teenagers i listen to morning deejays on my way to work i read blogs and sometimes also cosmo i thought atm at the moment was as common as rofl i was torn between laughter revulsion and incredulity we were among a small group of beta testers on a site that wasn t even yet live what are the odds that one of our group would be one of those types of people plus hadn t he ever heard of urban dictionary or google and had he even read my profile what kind of self respecting ho puts out a dating profile that says she has eight kids and works for a construction firm seriously i quickly disavowed his notion whereupon he asked if i wanted to chat and possibly meet i said no thank you by then i d decided that my feelings skewed toward offended on top of that it was just too weird that he didn t even google atm when he didn t know what it meant not to mention the fact that he clearly doesn t have teenagers or read cosmo besides after something like that it would never have worked out anyway i d have been too self conscious either a worrying about coming across as too sexy thus leaving in question any lingering concern he might have had about whether i was lying about my real job or else b worrying about not being sexy enough in case he was hoping that i actually was a woman of the night with an encyclopedic knowledge of sexpertise too much pressure i ll keep you posted on the dating site as it goes live not that i ve got my fingers crossed in the land of losers vol 3 november 12 2017 november 12 2017 mouse 3 comments hi everyone did you miss me well you didn t miss much still hanging out in the land of losers only lately the biggest loser has been me for example as evidenced by last tuesday tuesday night i went to a singles meetup after work at a golf clubhouse the small room was pretty packed 50 80 people and we were all seated at tables of various sizes either at smaller round tables or longer rectangular ones i was at one of the small round tables in a corner of the room seated there also were two other women i d just met they knew each other from work and 2 other guys a sixth seat was empt...