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Text of the page (random words):
as abused when i cannot remember the abuse itself could just as easily be unrelated or used as proof that i was never abused my therapist was right i suppose i don t think proof exists not in the concrete way i don t know if my memory will ever be reliable my mother s memory certainly isn t all i have is that i feel like i was abused most the time and whether or not that did happen i still do have to deal with it i still have a gut reaction to reject it i want to insist that no actually i was abused i am dealing with something real i ve never been one to accept the whole reality as a construct understanding of the world things do happen they happen in context and with translation but under that they happen externally to me that is what i need external confirmation all this hasn t triggered me into any real ptsd symptoms it manifests in super depression i will finish the book because the other aspects are lovely and funny it s these problems that remind that i need to go to a serious therapist and work through remembering events and processing them i can t deal with remembering coping with the trauma of remembering and repressing again and again forever i need these memories to exist consciously in a way that doesn t hurt so much that i repress them again while trying to think of them now only one or two incidents that i ve always remember come up i can think of nothing at all it s frustrating that is all sorry for the long absence i don t have much to write about on this front when i m in this state of mind in the interest of continued honesty and irony i suppose at this point i can say now that i ve been diagnosed with ptsd there was a lot less fuss than i thought there would be i told the doctor my symptoms he said i had depression and ptsd prescribed some medication and i was on my way posted by e at 7 38 pm no comments labels diagnosis lies memory stephen fry triggers wednesday october 21 2009 there is a lot to be said for what s been left behind i called my mother today if you ve read my last post you ll know that my mother was my abuser and while there were others the baggage i have left from her is by far the most significant why did i call her well there were a number of reasons it had been a few months i could tell she was getting anxious the distressed voicemails tipped me off to that one and though i hate to say it i miss her my mother has a number of diagnosed mental illnesses and an abuse history of her own in my experience not calling leads to a suicide threat or maliciously outing me to the rest of my family ultimately none of the practical reasons to call matter i have no dependence or relationship with her nor my family any more the rest of my family disowned me after my mother outed me as trans and gay to them the summer before last and i have no reason to desire continued contact with her i miss her or i still care about her apparently at the very least i must feel some sense of obligation i really have no other excuse i spent twenty years of my life with the woman many of those years in complete enforced isolation it s hard to let that go without a few lingering phone calls needless to say talking to my mom devestates me she still will not admit that she abused me and often times she purposefully acts ignorant or innocent to trigger me i was expecting that when i called i had a cigarette and glass of wine on stand by when she answered she was crying she had just put my dog to sleep fuck i started crying on the phone which triggered the hell out of me i am not nearly ready to be that vulnerable with my mother i told her i had to go and sobbed thankfully i had the cigarette and wine nearby i took a bath with the wine and cigarette dried myself and sat down to write this i ve been weird lately in regard to my ptsd which by the way i would like to disclaim i have not actually been diagnossed with yet i haven t seen a therapist or doctor since i moved to chicago nearly a year ago it wasn t until after i moved that i started to display more serious symptoms what i have resembles ptsd most closely so i use that term in order to more easily communicate what i m going through in anycase i ve been fluctuating wildly between super regression flashback lost triggered to feeling exactly like i did before i even started to think about any of this which was a god awful place entirely numb convinced it was either normal or that i wanted it etc reading freud for my social sciences class has certainly not been helping i have been falling into old habits this means i ve wanted to stay in my room forever comfort eating self sabatoging and whatever semblance of a sex life i had with my so has fizzled for the time being i ve been purposefully triggering myself by reading horrible incest fics on the internet thankfully i have managed to not have this effect school and my relationship with my so is still good but something is going to break and soon i m hoping my dog s death is not the breaking point my dog s name was sandy she was a tan sandy colored cocker spaniel i wasn t very inventive in naming her i m afraid we got sandy when i was 8 or 9 my time lines aren t very reliable we got her right before the worst years of the abuse she was my only friend throughout all of it i don t know if i d be alive if it weren t for her what also gets to me about her death is that i feel that the one creature who i couldn t blame is gone now sandy is the only one who never betrayed me with her silence so many others must have noticed something but never said i still have issues today with friends who knew me toward the later years of the abuse knew what was going on or knew some of it somehow but never took that step to tell someone who could help me i was a troubled kid and no one ever tried to see what was happening teachers friends family members neighbors no one said a word i feel like my only friend and witness is gone it s upsetting the witness part is throwing me in particular as my mom is utter denial there is no one to confirm that i m not crazy of course sandy couldn t have actually said anything but she was there that was always comforting for some reason i haven t seen sandy hardly at all since i moved out of my mother s house i missed her before her death and i still miss her she was one of the many things i had to give up to get out and now there s not much to go home to even if i wanted to she was a good friend my only for a long time and a good dog it is always sad to have a pet die but i can t help but mix this with my feelings about my abuse which is why i m posting my thoughts here posted by e at 3 52 pm no comments labels anger grief pets triggers wednesday april 15 2009 and soon ye shall behold a sight so sad he cries unbar the doors and let all thebes behold the slayer of his sire his mother s that shameful word my lips may not repeat he vows to fly self banished from the land nor stay to bring upon his house the curse himself had uttered but he has no strength nor one to guide him and his torture s more than man can suffer as yourselves will see for lo the palace portals are unbarred and soon ye shall behold a sight so sad that he who must abhorred would pity it sophocles oedipus rex i honestly feel like this when i disclose my history of sexual abuse i do however like to think that i am less dramatic than a sophocles tragedy but i cannot say that i ve never considered gouging out my eyes with a brooch so to start i might as well disclose because this post is somewhat about that process and its presence on the internet i was sexual abused by mother for more than ten years and less than twenty one this past summer i attempted suicide was hospitalized moved out of my house and started having flashbacks all within a month it was an oddly productive summer i m still having flashbacks i m still piecing together the concrete events and embarrassingly i m still defining what was abuse in total i think a lot of the abuse stemmed from my mother s lack of boundaries and her fundamental misunderstanding of who exactly i was to her anything but her child it seems as everything is so new and in a lot of ways i am just now becoming me it is ever present for me my triggers are so varied and intense at some times that it is impossible to go an entire day without breaking down totally it is at this point that i usually take a deep breath light a cigarette and avoid eye contact when disclosing face to face disclosing on the internet is different the anonymity of it is actually disturbing for me sexual abuse breeds a disposition that feeds on anonymity i crave it i want to keep this a secret because i ve been taught to keep most things secret and it is something i feel dirty for and the more i am indulged the more secrecy and guilt i feel there is no real solution to this i feel because anonymity is important for those who are not ready to talk about it with the label that accompanies the information and some people may never be ready i understand not wanting to connect your name with this issue i understand writing anonymously about it on the internet for catharsis for me though being anonymous is unhealthy with sexual abuse being so present in my life it s become almost an identity i am an incest survivor as much as i am gay as much as i am a student they are equal for me right now that will probably change someday i ve searched on the interent for blogs centered around sexual abuse i ve found it mentioned on feminist blogs i ve found it mentioned in current events i ve found feeds for anonymous story sharing i ve not found any real blogs by a survivor if you know of any good ones please link me my significant other has a chronic illness there are a wealth of blogs and websites for him to read i m glad that he can find that i see how helpful it is for him intellectualize this problem to read serious critique he can read illness as metaphor by susan sontag after a particularly traumatizing discussion of kafka s metamorphosis in our humanities 2 class as the partner of someone with a disability and as someone who knows that he has able bodied privilege i am ridiculous happy that those resources are out there but i can t help but be jealous that i can only find self help books on incest and online resources that are related but only briefly and in a different context i wept for hours after reading oedipus rex for humanities 2 i have to ultimately ask why why after all the self help books i ve read on incest and sexual abuse and after all the bloggers i ve read talk about rape and seem to really understand the havoc it can cause in a person s life why is there such a glaring lack of legitimate examination of the subject i want to read incest as metaphor and follow a blog of some one s healing process i think a lot of it is the nature of the abuse as i said it breeds secrecy i think it is also that ultimately it truly is considered something shameful it s sex it s rape it s sex with a family member in my case it is gross i ve thought this for some time it is gross but it is anything but shameful i am not actually dirty no survivor is i still feel that oedipus is relevant in the sophocles i quoted at the beginning they cannont bring themselves to even say it he slept with his mother this is in fact not more horrifying than murder in my reading of it i always felt as though they were doing him a favor in sparing him the shame of publicly announcing such a thing i now realize they were doing quite the opposite i will say it for him he slept with his mother he slept with his mother he gouged out his own eyes to spare himself seeing the horror of what he did seeing himself as such a monster i know there are mitigating factors in the play but whether it be abuse or sincere ignorance it still did not make him a monster it doesn t make any survivor a monster trigger warning i am going to post a poem of mine as well i rarely show this and a few others because the few responses i ve got have been disgust it isn t pleasant that was certainly not my goal i think posting it publicly may be healthy for me here it is i woke up to find her legs spread wide and moist and i shut my eyes tight to find hers not wide and moist she told me how it was stuck inside her lodged past the opening i thought i had stretched enough already but i envied it lodged where it no longer had to see day where the blood was only hers i closed my eyes to answer the phone the bed was made and crisp and i curled fetal which was what i thought she had asked before she hung up it was my duty sticky sour and shy but humility blushing coyness was illicit to her or it must have been because i was her good fuck or so she said when she came rushing through our door shopping bags but no groceries in hand i obliged licking when she pushed harder stretching when she arched upward so maybe i was a good fuck a good fuck it was all so vulgar she did orgasm finally i had read about orgasm and the clitoris in a book and she ran her fingers through my hair reaching for the dresser i crawled for the pillow a peculiar pulsing between my legs that i had not read about and she tried to pound it out of me kneading closed knees shredding composure i shut my eyes tight with my legs and woke to find hers open wide and moist she handed me the tweezers this was mine to remove there was only room enough for one and with that i m off to drink some more wine and smoke some more cigarettes this like many things was triggering i am glad i did it though i can t think of another way to shake the shame of this sort of thing without disclosing posted by e at 6 02 pm 2 comments labels disclosing sophocles thursday april 9 2009 holy late night introduction i really only had two reasons for starting this blog one was a realization that my s o was posting things about our sex life in his blog and the second was a more serious desire to intellectualize and post the events and existential crises of my life as i considered writing this blog i was reminded of allen ginsberg s footnote to howl everything is holy hilariously enough my mother in the insane asylum is even holy it s a lovely bit of poetry and a personal mantra for me i plucked the a line from it for the title here it is holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy the world is holy the soul is holy the skin is holy the nose is holy the tongue and cock and hand and asshole holy everything is holy everybody s holy everywhere is holy everyday is in eternity everyman s an angel the bum s as holy as the seraphim the madman is holy as you my soul are holy the typewriter is holy the poem is holy the voice is holy the hearers are holy the ecstasy is holy holy peter holy allen holy solomon holy lucien holy kerouac holy huncke holy burroughs holy cas sady holy the unknown buggered and suffering beggars holy the hideous human angels holy my mother in the insane asylum holy the cocks of the grandfathers of kansas holy the groaning ...