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r taste like day old cotton candy i actually like being my age no offense to 21 you and i had some great times but i m on the 31 train now and it s got a slurpee machine and everything i really think it s mostly because of how i feel physically and how good i feel about myself right now i m even thinking of renaming this blog pieface is awesome for the following reasons kidding sort of as i ve gotten older i have come to appreciate my physique for what it is and not pine so much for what it s not ever going to be my body is eons from perfect but the fact that i have come to accept certain things about myself feels like an accomplishment and being tagged as younge devalued that accomplishment somehow in the past 31 years i have learned and accepted things like words like small petite or delicate will never be used to describe me and that s ok words like solid carnivore stout and thanks to my canadian and norwegian ancestors most likely to survive an arctic winter are words that would more likely describe me and that s ok i have no memory of ever being a size 6 and that s ok my feet were size 9 in grade 4 and i could share shoes with my mom and that s ok i have finger toes not because i can play the piano with my feet i m not that awesome but because my thumbs and my big toes are the same length and that s ok i am blond but not in marilyn or gwyneth kind of way and that s ok the dmv decided that my eyes are hazel and that s ok my face is shaped like a pie and i love pie so it s ok one time a dentist described my mouth as small but then we had only just met and that s ok the orthodontist told my mother that i would never be a model if she didn t pay for an expensive elective surgery to correct my overbite right in front of my 14 year old self my mother s eye s grew so wide you could see the small little red veins in the corners and responded in a loud voice let s hope to god that she amounts to more than just a model which was more than ok isn t my mom rad nothing really earth shattering but i still feel proud of myself i m just so happy to be in a time and place in my life where physically i can just say here i am i like me not to say that i don t compare myself to others i am female after all but i m finding that more and more often i admire better things about people i m drawn to their wit or humor their intelligence or perseverance their skill or their energy things that last beyond time and spanks this has come with getting older and i think seeing people more for who they are so i told the lady that s very sweet but really i prefer 31 over 21 any day of the week her palpable relief that i was indeed in my 30 was hilarious and she said oh yes your 30s are the best enjoy every minute of them and 40 is even better got it sister sounds great posted by pieface at 10 04 pm 8 comments thursday september 16 2010 if i go to medical school i get to skip the first day it was 04 14 10 a typical wednesday evening i was trying to make dinner and had sentenced the kids upstairs to their room while summoning my culinary muse martha stewart with a dash of cookie monster sometimes usually my kids get a little rambunctious foaming at the mouth monkeys at that time of the afternoon while i m calmly trying loudly and failing to get dinner made waffles on the iron sometimes the needy distractions make me resort to gating them in their room this was one of those nights they were like adorable frantic little caged zoo animals and i briefly entertained slipping peanuts through the slats of the baby gate but i resisted and focused on the task at hand operation dinner i was downstairs for approximately 4 seconds when i heard this shrill scream from my little man and like any self respecting mother i decided to give it the 15 second test the 15 second test is something i implement at least twice a day i have seen my children get their fingers crunched in doors only to violently scream for a mere 15 seconds and then be distracted by something else red baron ahhh that kid bit me and broke the first 2 layers of skin on my face schriwleriwne 13 seconds later is there any cheese so i waited fifteen seconds came and went and the screaming only got worse i popped into high gear and bounded up the stairs to their room with the determined speed of this better be good i ve got waffles on at the top of the stairs sat a very judgmental red baron with a knowing look in her eye and a spastic red faced little man rolling around in agony me what s going on what happened red baron he s got a doll shoe up his nose and he can t get it out me what rb he s got a shoe up his nose and we can t get it out turning to little man i told you not to do that if i were to chart her concern at this very moment i would say that she was about 10 concerned over his nasal peril 40 disappointed that her doll shoe had sunk deep into his face and 40 annoyed he hadn t listened to her sage don t put that up there advice i finally wrestled the little man into temporary stillness and realize he is practically elbow deep up his left nostril still screaming it s really difficult but i can barely see the slightest trace of something and it s way up there me who s shoe is up there rb polly pocket s damn that polly pocket and her slimy little shoes i knew exactly what shoe she s talking about it was part of polly s dog walking ensemble a chartreuse high heeled pump obviously i myself heroically saved it from the vacuum several times and repeating the words be careful with this or you ll lose it but no one ever listens to mama do they i bring them both downstairs little man still screaming and red baron acting smug i try to extract said doll shoe with a bulb syringe to no avail i try to instruct him on blowing it out with a deep breath but suddenly realized his 2 year old mind doesn t see the difference between blowing out and breathing in taking the offending shoe deeper into his cranium i call the doctor s office which is of course closed and i leave a message with the call back service operator what s the nature of your child s injury me he has a doll shoe up his nose and we can t get it out operator suppressing a rising chortle of laughter can you repeat that me he has a doll shoe up his nose and i can t get it out it s really up there screaming boy in the background operator ok deep breath ummm serenity now don t laugh i m sure they ll call you i m not going to keep this laugh down too much longer really soon goodbye the doctor did promptly call me back also breathing in funny sequences after hearing the situation accompanied by continued screaming in the background that hadn t declined in volume or pitch i might add and she said that we needed to take him to the er because of potential breathing problems while little man slept i then asked are you sure the er really listen it s not that i don t want him to breath i really do like my kids breathing in fact i prefer it but the er just seemed unnecessary i pictured the little man s bulging nostril sitting next to the kid with a half lodged fork in his arm or someone on breathing tubes isn t going to the er a little hasty dramatic embarrassing what about the waffles yes she assured me even though i can feel her smile through the phone we just don t know how far it is up there and you should probably get him in pretty soon it s not like it s a measly ear problem if the shoe were in the ear you could totally wait until tomorrow s clinic hours i had not known of the hierarchy of such injuries so i agreed and called the husband around here to come home and assist me in these parental duties believe me i really felt for little man he was obviously really uncomfortable and pretty mad but i also felt for myself too having to trek everyone to er wait pay and retell the story of the blasted polly pocket shoe over and over again damn that polly and her tiny little feet we get to the er and after retelling the story about 4 times to the delight of everyone we finally get on a gurney in the hallway with a real live doctor dr this is going to be quick and easy you ll be out of here in 5 mins this is what we re going to do you re going to form a tight seal around his mouth while plugging the other nostril with your fingers you will blow really hard like you re doing cpr i noted the proverbial we which really meant me aka mama doing all the work here i ve heard that a time or two before in coming to the er i expected some doctoring and that i would be off the hook if i messed up who would i sue plus for whatever reason i just couldn t get my mind around what he was saying it wasn t brain surgery well maybe it kind of was but anyway i just could not compute what he was telling me it might have been that my ears were still ringing from having a screaming kid on me for a while but i just couldn t make sense of what he wanted me to do me what i m going to do what dr form a tight seal have you taken a cpr class dumbing it down my brain wasn t registering any of this cpr was for kids who aren t breathing me yes dr you re going to form a tight seal and blow really hard while plugging the other nostril and the object is going to come flying out it s all connected up there d uh if that doesn t work we ll get the forceps if those don t work we ll operate what did i say about the er being dramatic i m so right me so i m going to do it dr yes me like right now dr yes idiot by this time little man was finally calmed down and actually enjoying all this great attention in fact every time i told the staff what had happened he would chime in at the very end with yah is really up there it was adorable but now mama had to do the dirty work and get this dirty shoe nugget out of my kid s schnoz i lean over but had totally forgotten that i had gum in my mouth i tried to hide it on the roof of my mouth out of embarrassment but that resulted in a half hearted effort nothing came out dr again surging with his can do attitude i spat my gum out the side of my mouth catching it in my left hand and blew in little man s mouth with ferocity out of the corner of my eye i saw a flying wad of chartreuse digustingness land somewhere on the other side of the gurney it totally worked i did it call me mama md is it strange to say this flying slimy hunk of plastic bounced it s way into my top 5 most proud motherhood moments i was beaming dr would you like to keep this lifting up polly s dirty little secret me i don t know do you think it would fit in his baby book dr you re a freak for the record the doctor was really great and i was glad to know this non invasive procedure for future reference and i m considering the total bill as the down payment towards my medical school tuition should i ever choose to attend but i m totally going to skip the day they cover nose obstruction since i m already an expert this posting is dedicated to jenner thanks for asking posted by pieface at 8 43 pm 11 comments saturday july 3 2010 a man with a passion for fashion as i was getting my gas pumped at the gas station i live in oregon the pumper person had this really big ring in his nose a la bull let me be frank he was very nice with great customer service however the ring looked a little ill kept and greasy in all the wrong ways as a pumper person it s totally understandable to have grease on your fingers grease on your nose ring yuck after the pumper person assisted me the red baron leans over and quietly says what was that what honey that metal thing hangin from his nose she looked alarmed like this thing came hurtling out from inside his head while sneezing and got caught on his betweener nostril skin oh that s decoration what yeah he put it there and it s kind of like jewelry oh pause jewelry yeah jewelry i ve never thought of those kinds of rings as jewelry but it was really the only way to describe why and what he was wearing and i guess that to an extent it s totally accurate i just never mentally placed that kind of guy in the flare for accessories category until now that is photo courtesy of the national education network of the uk website what are they teaching those kids over there pumper person is way more descriptive than gas jockey there is no one riding the gas thus completely not a jockey long live the pumper people posted by pieface at 8 58 pm no comments wednesday june 23 2010 house keeping items have you ever walked into a room where everyone else was speaking another language but you and when that room erupts into laughter you wonder are they talking about me does someones breath smell do they think my breath smells does my breath smell does anyone have some gum or a dinner mint if i start laughing along too will they know i don t know what they re talking about and laugh harder at the irony that i m laughing about my own potentially stinky breath and then when i laugh harder they all stop and just stare at me as i quietly back out into the carport i ll even take a teaspoon of cinnamon at this point anyone see what i m getting at speaking in a language that isolates others isn t ideal so when there are comments posted to this blog in languages that i don t know i get a little anxious how could they possibly smell my breath this is a flippin computer so since this is my blog and i m the boss we re speaking in english that s just how it s going to be i refuse to be isolated in my own blog please feel free to leave messages in english however messages in other languages will be deleted i ve felt the need to make this policy because of the volume of comments that are being posted in languages that i don t know some of you might argue that 3 comments does not a volume make but i care about each little bit of my itty bitty blog and this is how i m going to take care of it because i m nothing but responsible and paranoid that is all goodnight and good luck for the record i don t have a breath stink problem i merely used this purely hypothetical situation that would apply to many if not most people at some point in their lives to illustrate my angst not that having stinky breath is bad it s not and i m sure cinnamon does help i mean why wouldn t it but i have no real facts or data to back that up because why would i since i don t have a stinky breath problem posted by pieface at 9 57 pm 8 comments monday june 14 2010 i m just a girl in the world it has become apparent that i am and will continue to be raising a girl ie the red baron and i m a little freaked out by this fact maybe freaked out isn t the right term a more accurate description would be that i have stared right into the depths of female turmoil and shuddered to my very soul not to be mildly dramatic or anything yes i said mildly the red baron has discovered her reflection in the mirror within a social context this is freaky psycho analytical social commentary stuff i m getting into dust off you text books people this is about to get crazy in here this is how it went down while in the bathroom and she looked in the mirror and s...