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Text of the page (random words):
things irreconcilable things irreconcilable sunday january 08 2006 skewed portraits story one or not to be nancy jewell i was kidnapped in the middle of the night yeah i know sounds cliché but it s the truth in the middle of the night five guys plowed in my room and stuffed my head in a pillow case still gagging from the sting of mildew in my nostrils they cuffed my arms behind my back and wrestled me out of bed god it hurt i smashed my knees when i tripped over my pajama bottoms and stumbled halfway down the second flight from my apartment do you think they tried to cushion the fall they didn t they just let me plop all the way down the stairs even though they knew i couldn t see a thing and i m pretty sure that s not all they knew i think they chose me on purpose they knew no one would miss me when i didn t show up for my morning shift at mcdonald s they knew i had to quit school i couldn t get any more student loans my credit sucked hey man don t judge me it s not my fault no one has compassion these days yeah compassion the kidnapers probably knew my parents too those wonderfully compassionate biological oppressors who disinherited me they said i was a loser an embarrassment to generations of academic geniuses yup i m pretty sure the kidnapers knew it all what they didn t seem to know was i was going to suffocate if they didn t take the damn pillowcase off my head as soon as they shoved me in the vehicle i lost feeling in my arms i tried to tell them hey man the cuffs are too tight no one listened no one ever listened to anything i said so i don t know why i expected my abductors to give a crap i gave up on anyone paying attention to me a long time ago it wasn t my fate to be heard i was one of those dregs of society one of my freshman professors used to call us a conglomeration of individuals who wasted their potential in the golden inebriation of illegal substances ooh he was eloquent but you know what i didn t care screw potential what was it anyway but someone else s idea of what you were supposed to be still while i listened to the motor gargle and began to asphyxiate in the pillow case i started to realize i could disappear from the planet like a roach under a shoe i kind of wished i had invested a little more of myself into myself at least enough that someone might notice i had vanished and call the police in a day or two i hadn t quite figured out what the point of living was yet but i sure wasn t ready to die you gonna kill me i sucked what little bit of air i could through the pillow case answer me i m nobody nobody you got the wrong guy and you re gonna kill me nobody answered did i really think they would i said you re wasting your time i m not worth killing and i wasn t i hadn t even lived when the best piece of life you can carve out is a dung heap apartment in queens and the closest thing you got to a friend is your dealer you ain t worth killing you just ain t worth it when they pulled me from the car i screamed like a girl then i thrust to the left plunged to the right i don t know why did i really think i was going to escape these guys with my hands cuffed behind my back and my pillowcase plastered to my head it must be something about human nature that makes you strive even if resistance and life are both pointless i only stopped struggling when someone took hold of my arm and led me into the building then they pushed me to a chair and finally took the pillowcase off my head for a second i wished i had suffocated glancing around the room i couldn t figure out where i was the entire place was mirrored the walls the floor everything in the reflections were a million abductors an entire society of replicated captors then i saw the single black handle a door no time to think about it my dealer was suddenly in front of my face buddy god buddy you re paid up man i paid you up why you kidnapping me you are on trial trial god man what do you mean trial i haven t done anything what am i on trial for you live or die this very night depending wholly on whether or not you can prove you exist this wasn t buddy buddy didn t talk like this all he cared about was his money what the hell existence had to do with any of it i didn t know all i knew for sure was that i was sitting in a stupid metal chair in the middle of a mirrored room with five lunatics wanting me to prove that i am you can see me can t you i shouted leaning forward how was i supposed to prove i existed if they were looking right in my face and didn t even know i was real look at me i howled i m alive i exist you are an excuse for existence it was my boss at mcdonald s you are inertia a blot of tedium on the soil of indifference oh my god how could these people all look like someone i knew but talk like philosophical puppets i was gonna die lowering my head i whispered i m not an excuse look at me i exist my dad tilted a huge spotlight so i had to shy from its glare you think you exist in the present what about your future do you have a future yeah i got a future come on dad i ll go back to school i just need the money if you d give me the money do you have a future a future in what i didn t even know why the question mattered what kind of future did he want me to have what kind of future did i want to have i guess that was the point i hadn t thought about my future did that mean i didn t exist the cop said what have you done to save yourself save myself from what i could feel my shoulders spasm surge in sudden anger the metal chair hurt my back the cuffs were too tight had been too tight since they put them on i said if you take these damn things off i ll tell you what i ll do to save myself the cop came behind me snapped the key in the cuffs and let them splay open i was free what i was going to do then i had no clue i had no clue how to save myself even when i had the freedom to do it purple whelps of rebellion began to rise on my swollen wrists what are you going to do to save yourself the cop asked again a wad of crap formed in my throat i spit it at him you re holding me hostage here what are you fate destiny i m your prisoner and i m supposed to save myself why don t you save me huh why don t you do it that s when the guy in the cleric s collar came forward and slammed his fist into my face i whirled from the chair and collided with the floor bracing my palms i lifted myself and shook my head i was losing consciousness all the mirrors spun my image back at me my only stability was the interrogation light it alone was real the light was real i could see it burning through me proving that beyond my flesh existed a being none of them could see they had their own idea of what i should look like but they couldn t see inside me prove you exist demanded the cleric prove it i couldn t prove it not to them not to anyone because existence is not about bones and bodies but about fire and soul and bloodlust and rage inertia animated i staggered stood the high that pressed me was like nothing i d ever experienced under the influence of anything but my own adrenalin i existed taking a step i heard a roar of unified voices but i can t tell you what any of them said i ignored them i existed i focused on the black handle of the door my exit the only way out of the mirrored insentient room ignoring the raging voices i allowed my own soul to rage i would not disregard it any more figuratively burning my acrid flesh i exchanged the molt of non being for being and plodded toward the door why they didn t follow or make an attempt to keep me there i don t know i don t care i twisted that handle and entered the luminescent night to find i had escaped my captors all of them without ever having to prove anything posted by nancy 11 10 am 0 comments wednesday december 21 2005 immobilized hearts beginning in january i ll be posting a series of four short stories and a novella entitled skewed portraits until then i ll fill with a few boring prose poetry essays this one was written in response to an assignment in which the professor asked us to finish the statement to immobilize your heart on account of its longings running contrary to form so here goes immobilized hearts to immobilize my heart on account of its longings running contrary to form is to obstruct my essence to dance to a deaf man s music and who is the deaf man to write the music for me he cannot hear my longings loosed in the rhythm of my soul or even with his hand against my heart feel the cadence which drives my next step he is oblivious insensible to my inner world as he is unaware of his own who is the man who cannot hear his own euphony to form the structure of mine whose forum then forms the form that determines my longings certainly it is not the deaf man s forum perhaps it is the forum of those who comprehend the difference between longing and lust lust being an unbridled hunger longing a persistent hope perhaps it is only those who know the difference who can loose the longing and lay waste the lust but then who would compose this forum and is there a composer in all the world who could arrange an aria for me every virtuoso breathes the vitality of his own melody cascading through the river of his being i must create the score myself searching out my own longings and discarding the lusts that would infect and immobilize my symphony my heart cannot be immobilized nor my essence obstructed silence my lusts i will but not my longings i have to hear them pulse i have to respond to their rhythm and twirl to their tempo and caress every cadence which comprises me or else i die and my music with me the deaf man has formed my fate posted by nancy 7 58 pm 1 comments sunday december 04 2005 discerning a god from a man gods are always inaccessible this is the first concept one must understand when searching for a god if the being you have approached has no desire for you it is very likely you have made your first contact with god so try to talk to him then with every sinew of mind in motion attempt to perceive his response no matter how brilliant you think yourself your god s intellect must exceed your own for what is god if not incomprehensible physical beauty is optional spiritual beauty is not seek a spirit whose mask is peace press him push him interrogate him if he explodes in emotion toss him he is not god tell him he s wonderful his presence fills you with awe and want his wisdom stirs a hunger for a life higher than the one you ve known if by now he hasn t fled in a million mile sprint it is possible he is a god deserving of your worship or simply a man intrigued by your insanity discernment is of course a gift one must develop and not a certain science these are merely suggestions from a seeker not the inerrant words of an unerring spirit the frustration of confronting these unknowable superior beings is that misunderstandings swirl in whirlpools of love and hate until finally you must devise an infallible scheme it always rests in the realm of physical seduction chain your newly found god to the material world of breasts and thighs perfumes and lust if he makes love with you he is the man you will adore forever if however he walks away he is most likely the god you were seeking you in the throes of carnality have offended him and will spend the rest of eternity or at least the remainder of your earthly years confronting the knowledge you are but dust and he the divinity who has little use for your longings posted by nancy 10 11 pm 3 comments saturday april 09 2005 playing today okay i m playing today this is my first post and i have no idea how this thing works so i m just messing around to see if i even have a webpage yet okay here goes posted by nancy 11 32 am 1 comments about me name nancy location north carolina view my complete profile links google news edit me edit me previous posts skewed portraits story one immobilized hearts discerning a god from a man playing today archives april 2005 december 2005 january 2006