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Text of the page (random words):
n t come but at the same time it s all you want time goes on but you don t notice or care i know i was there i m still there but i m slowly learning to live again missing our baby boy friday september 27 2013 passing the four year mark i m falling apart i m barely breathing with a broken heart that s still beating sunday marked four years since the passing of brayden it was also the first day of my new job as soon as i saw the 22nd as opening day my stomach sank no time for grieving which makes the pain worse and stretch longer than it needs to swallowing it is always hard but life doesn t care that you need to pull the covers over your head and grieve so off to work and smile i did i may have cried on the way home but that s neither here nor there in the pain there is healing in your name i find meaning the guilt i feel is almost palatable i did nothing to commemorate his birth and death and i hate that i thought of him but it didn t feel like enough what would be enough i m not sure i m so afraid that he ll be forgotten that his little life didn t make the impact on the world as it did me broken lights on the freeway left me here alone i may have lost my way now i haven t forgotten my way home before i went to work on sunday i talked to my husband about it he doesn t like to discuss our loss it s a sadness and hurt that he can t do anything about so it s frustrating for him he listened held me and let me cry i think that s the first time that s happened since brayden passed for the first time in a very long time i didn t feel so alone and i badly needed that connection to someone he just let me cry and it felt good so good to just cry and be held and to know that he knows that s all that was needed it was a beautiful perfect moment short but treasured and i am here still waiting though i still have my doubts i am damaged at best like you ve already figured out i will never stop grieving i see that now it doesn t linger like it did i don t cry every day or dwell but when september hits every year my heart squeezes because i know what s coming right between my husbands birthday and my eldest s birthday is the dreaded angelversary of my second son not a reason to celebrate but to mourn i m okay with that remembering isn t a bad thing and it s the only connection i feel like i have with him i ll take it sadness and all posted by dawn brown at 1 08 pm 1 comment sunday august 25 2013 being there a friend of mine announced her surprise pregnancy a few months ago surprise being the operative word since she had her tubes tied last year she s 37 her oldest just graduated high school and her youngest was set to start kindergarten in the fall surprise was an understatement once she got over the shock excitement took over a baby not planned but wanted none the less after visiting the doctor and verifying her pregnancy she got some terrifying news that no expecting mother wants to hear blood tests showed her baby s chances of trisomy at 1 12 they had ruled out trisomy 21 with an ultrasound but it didn t change the odds for 13 or 18 she called me immediately what does this mean is this bad what should i do i knew some just from being in support groups for years but not enough to share with her what i knew of those odds is that they were not good i did know of other mothers who had better odds who were still struck down by tragedy i wrote a friend who knew more about it and didn t have much hope in the reply she knew more than i did but the odds were still up in the air blood tests can only show so much and aren t exactly accurate but a good guideline of what could come she opted for an amnio for confirmation and waited almost two weeks for results during which time we talked daily i could hear her distancing herself from the situation and the pregnancy she was upset of course and the wait caused a lot of anxiety and stress i was stressed for her and honestly was deep down prepared for the worst of course i never told her that all i could do was listen and try to keep her thoughts positive as much as i could her age had a lot to do with the odds as well as some high levels of aft which could have had to do with her body as much as the baby s and the tests don t take that into consideration all i could really say was that nothing was for certain so just keep calm the doctor s office called her last thursday with the news her baby was fine levels were perfect baby was healthy she called me first she was excited but it was relief that i heard the most she was free to bond with her pregnancy something she had been holding back on as much as she could about an hour after i got off the phone with her i found myself bawling my eyes out as i washed dishes in the kitchen just bawling i didn t really understand it at first why i was filled with grief and sorrow when i should have felt the relief that she did i ran it all over in my mind why am i crying why on earth am i sad right now she just got the best news so why am i not happy i was thinking about brayden not reliving the whole situation but the precious moments i spent looking at his still face the moment it all came together for me my baby died and here he is why did that come to mind because i just found out that my friend escaped having that exact moment that s why because i was terrified that she d become a member of this group that i belong to because she s a wonderful bubbly energetic person and that could all have been wiped away in an instant tragedy could have taken her joy in life one call could have changed her forever i don t want her to be like me i cried because she wasn t going to end up like me not that i m completely terrible but i m changed and not completely for the best the part of me that feels empathy has all but died very few things upset me any more just as very few things move me i live in an emotional gray area never completely swinging either way to joy or sadness just gray not a way i want my friends to live i suppose i cried so hard because every day for two weeks i expected to get a call that wasn t favorable i ran through my mind what to say how i could help and what support groups i could turn her to suddenly the need for that was gone and it s like the rug was swept out from under me i had unnecessarily built myself up to help her in her grief and when her anxiety turned to elation in an instant well i suppose i couldn t down shift that fast what i thought was shared grief turned into me reliving my loss alone while i was tremendously happy for her i couldn t help but cry for myself for my friend she isn t welcome in this club of sorrow and sadness the dues are too high and the membership grows daily i m happy that she ll stay as she is bubbly and optimistic with one more little one on the way i m happy she won t be like me posted by dawn brown at 4 33 pm 3 comments monday august 5 2013 almost four years later i ve been thinking a lot about what my life is like now as i approach the four year passing of my son there s no way to sum it up in a few words it s not better or worse but it s not the life i was hoping to have i think all loss mothers feel that way i guess i should go into a little detail this is a blog after all it s easy to get caught up in life and forget my lost son and don t judge me harshly but i m okay with that i m okay with moving on i don t hold on to my grief like some loss mothers do to be perfectly honest i feel sorry for those who are devastated to the point of a standstill with life i ve met those who are 10 years out from their loss and grieve just as deeply as the day they lost their child i don t want to be that in conversation with them they ll tell you about how their inability to move on has crippled their lives to a point marriages have fallen apart bonds with living children were difficult to establish and keep but it didn t stop them from grieving for the child who was lost to them they became so engrossed in their loss hurt and anguish that they ve let life slip by them because they can t get past the pain i don t mean to come off as insensitive or scornful to these women we can t help how we grieve or can we i purposely don t surround myself with things that remind me of brayden his pictures are locked away we have no shrines here and his ashes are in a box in my room i don t listen to the sad play list i have on itunes yes it really is labeled sad music i don t talk about him much this doesn t mean that i don t have my days where i wish for what could have been it doesn t mean that i don t hurt or don t still grieve i do i will always have a piece of me that s gone i won t ever forget and that s the thing about all of this i don t have to surround myself with reminders i remember that day and that s enough i refuse to punish myself with constant sadness i can t change what happened but i can change how it directs my life my grief won t own me part of this attitude that i have comes from seeing how my family was affected by our loss my husband doesn t talk about it because it s too sad my oldest at the time almost 9 now almost 13 still cries at night occasionally over his brother i feel like how i handle my grief will direct how they handle theirs they ve been hurt enough and i owe it to them to move on myself and give life a chance if i lose myself in grieving over something i can t change then they ve not only lost a brother but a wife and mother as well time has healed me about as well as it can i m okay with that too i have often wondered if i had lost a daughter instead of a son would things be different what if i had a rainbow daughter and said goodbye to my chance for a son yes that would have added on to the grieving i d like to think though that i would eventually come around to the point i m at now but i can t say for sure how long that would have taken life just sucks sometimes period understatement i know but true nonetheless it helps to know i m not alone that there are other grieving mothers out there in all various stages of grief and no i m not alone but this grieving mother is okay for now i m okay and i m good with that posted by dawn brown at 10 41 am 2 comments monday april 30 2012 for brandon this post is dedicated to my brother i ve been absent these last few months but the need to blog has been strong these last few weeks there is so much comfort here knowing i can express what i need to and not worry about burdening my husband or friends i tell them that i m fine because we all know that s what they want to hear during a time of grief today i m not fine my last blog was before christmas i remember when i wrote it i was so full of happiness christmas was always a favorite holiday of mine for many reasons but mostly because that was the one time of year my grandmother went out of her way to indulge in the nonsense magic of the season for my brother and i presents from relatives far away magically were under the tree christmas morning because santa picked them up for us our family actually got along during this time everyone was happy i ve felt that magic every year since with the exception of that first holiday after we lost brayden this last christmas was beautiful maddox was entertained by the wrapping paper and abundance of empty boxes nicholas got what he asked santa for and i ate it up because i know in my heart this will be his last santa christmas i fixed an early dinner and we spent the rest of the night watching holiday movies together a day and a half later at 4 am a state trooper knocked on my door he said it was regarding my brother brandon my heart slammed in my chest and everything started going in slow motion i just knew he had been in an accident on the icy roads oh my god is he okay the trooper said ma am i need you to sit down and that s when my heart stopped and i couldn t breathe they don t ask you to sit down if your loved one is being transported to the hospital they don t take off their hats and guide you to the couch if there s going to be hope in their words i m sorry your brother has died no no no no no no this isn t right he can t be right i don t think what what is he talking about brandon hasn t died what is he talking about gun it was self inflicted oh my god i couldn t even begin to process what he meant all i could think was that he was wrong my brother would never never never do that actually i remember thinking are you sure even as i struggled to hear what he was telling me i was absolutely certain there had been a mistake wrong address or maybe another brandon my brother had everything going for him he was happy independent everyone adored him he was the guy everyone wanted to be like he walked into parties and everyone would shout brandon and raise their glasses he was my little brother and it was always just the two of us he wouldn t leave me like this but he did no explanation no answers and no real idea as to why for reasons only he knew he decided that he was done with this life and it hurts so incredibly bad it hurts to think that he was hurting in some way i didn t know about i wonder how long he suffered silently inside before the pain became unbearable i wonder why he didn t talk to someone actually i do know why brandon was the guy who cheered you up not the guy who needed help or had problems of his own he was the guy who pulled you out of the ditch at 3am he always had a smile and a kind word for everyone he always knew the right thing to say in any given situation an ability i don t have and was always in awe of the next few weeks were a blurry whirlwind of activity brandon owned rental property and it fell to me to deal with his bank had immediately frozen his cards and accounts and bills had to be paid he was in the process of buying a house and his stuff had to be moved papers had to be signed i had to go through all of his things i think i hated that part the most it felt like i was violating his privacy at the same time i was grateful for the activity even though it was overwhelming it kept me very very busy i kept one of his stinky shirts that i swiped from his bathroom floor it smells exactly like him sweaty male and axe body spray i ll wash it eventually but not just yet in a lot of ways this road feels oh so familiar the five stages of grief that got stuck on repeat were no surprise the letting go of little things i didn t even want to take out his trash because that was just more of him i wouldn t ever get back triggers are fun i didn t realize how many white f 350 s there were until the one i always expected to see cruising around wasn t there any more some things are different it took longer for the reality to sink in but when it finally did settle some of the grief abated almost immediately almost we just passed the four month mark of his death and i m just now able to think about him being gone without the onset of a panic attack grabbing me for the first three months my mind rejected the thought so violently that the mere remind...