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description=5 posts published by Meg during September 2012;

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month, september, 2012, autumn, musings, looking, for, rocks, blessed, and, jaded, born, again, wearing, my, shoes, on, the, right, feet, recent, posts, archives, follow, blog, via, email,

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and the acrylic blanket that is surprisingly warm later i will need to buy new flannel sheets to fit my smaller bed the most comfortable bed in the whole world i am grateful for the gift of it i put away all my shorts and tank tops and keep out only my favorite short sleeved shirts and cropped pants sundresses are gone and lightweight sweaters replace them at night i leave the windows open for the fresh air and for as long as possible one of my students comes in to school shivering and complains about how her dad goes around opening windows when everyone else is freezing i would rather put on a sweater than close them i come home to german soup cooked and ready to be eaten sitting on the stove i make corn bread to go with my many jars of hot pepper jelly and the soup i hear chickadees chirping outside the window and stop to watch as they fly to the feeders my pirate moved my dough hook close to the house so i can watch them will i wash dishes or stand at the sink often we call to each other to look at the six point buck that is frequenting the yard a doe or some other animal that lives in the wooded area in the back of the strip of houses on the street i love this street peopled with artists teachers peacemakers and families it is quiet and friendly i watch the pirate sitting in his tool shed my extension cord lighting the lovely little hand built cottage i study his concentration as he works sheltered from the damp drizzle he taps the rocks checks taps again when i came home i stood on the back porch and looked out at him he looked up and smiled at me and then as we looked at one another across the space for an extended few seconds just grinning at each other he put his arms out wide and i run over and wrap my arms around him kissing him on the mouth sometimes i am scared and don t trust what the future will bring other times i feel completely home changing seasons flintknapping healthy eating nature small joys uncategorized looking for rocks september 17 2012 meg leave a comment i explored a new park it is fun to discover all the wild space this town has to offer it is one of those places everyone loves to hate the endless cloudy skies absent this summer short days of endless snow and seeming perpetual darkness that make up six months of the year are tiring exhausting for me depressing this is why i took up snowshoeing though and though i only get to enjoy it on weekends because the darkness keeps me from doing it during the week i thought at first that the park was a wide field with a worn dog path along the edges until we ducked under some trees and emerged onto a wooded path the pirate is tinkering with flint knapping two sets of eyes scanning the ground for onondaga chert we tease each other like two kids sword fighting with reeds and whipping each other with them as they break brittle on our shoulders and thighs i emerge first onto the long swath of engineered flatness of the onondaga creek i look upstream then down and a dark brown and sleek muskrat scampers across the path he emerges and immediately goes to the goldenrod and wild aster and picks me a bouquet which later i drop on the ground as i see skinny microscopic bugs crawling on my arm but it doesn t change the endearing quality of the gesture i tell him how my grandmother used to tell me that a boy who brings flowers to his mother or grandmother will make a good husband some day my memory of it in the wooden cupboard kitchen of the ranch house the smell of cigarette smoke and lavender and the scrap of the red vinyl and chrome chairs across the tiled linoleum the taste of root beer and gouda cheese shrimp cocktail and bugles swirling in my mind as we bang rocks together sniffing them for the tell tale smell of the rock we are looking for we find a couple that obviously have some of the chert in it but mottled through it it breaks brittle in our hands and not tearing off as it should to make a stone knife later i read my book in the sun as he burns junk mail in a barrel and plants fall lettuce in the garden after an hour i go inside and make second batch of hot pepper jelly and pickled jalapeno peppers he bbqs chicken legs as i make salad with raspberries and walnuts and mashed potatoes with chunks of sauteed mushrooms and garlic later as he lay on my bed my head on his bare chest laughing about something i cannot recall what i feel blessed despite the struggle of adjustment the cats hiss at each other as his low cat wrestles with my little sadie girl for dominance his boy fights fiercely for a role he will not win as she still happy from her brief excursion outdoors rewards us with a long cuddling purr pirate kisses me good night as he goes to his bed a gift of space that i am so grateful for my promise to never have to share a bed full time with another again made to myself after the asshole left me the endless nights of good rest the best thing that happened in my life in those long seconds upon minutes upon days upon weeks upon months after he left musings small joys strong woman treasure blessed and jaded september 12 2012 meg leave a comment i wake to the streams of sunlight as it pours through my eastern window blind i pull my hands to my face and am caught by the strong sabi beauty of my fingers the small lines and cracks callouses and broken nails i close my pointer finger onto my thumb and watch as the light makes the edges of my skin translucent i pinch the sun i set it free i kiss each of my finger tips in turn thank you artist s hands i see every detail one eye closed hands mere inches from my face what do you call it the autumn drills of starlings as they prepare to fly en masse to warmer climes the brisk autumn air my cheeks pink my mind lost my soul firmly in hand each day is so beautiful murmuration susurration a mantra of a different sort wobbly kneed i stand up i cannot keep my feet and fall back down no no i feel as though i have been punched in the stomach she tells me my worst fear for the day is wrong thank you god i tell her thank you jesus i am not a woman who prays this way i watch a movie that is perfect in its artistic vision enraptured he snores in his chair as i put down my tech and draw my finger to my lips this earth has a woman s body this universe is a giant and i a mote upon its body see that is the giant s eye i think of wicker baskets and bags of pins and the smell of redwood the feel of grass under my bare feet i smile as i think of frosted glasses with autumn leaves i see on the screen the antique table set with crystal and polished silver and fine bone china i smile at the thought of green melmac plates and chili eaten out of currier and ives bowls with a side dish of buttered saltine crackers i smell the first smoke of autumn woodstove the smell of snow wet mittens and felt boots taste bread and butter pickles and drink blueberry juice with salted stove popped popcorn i feel the weight of a chickadee on my cold hands i dream of weeding the garden the smell of the grass and the plants the ragweed with it s whistle knots and spit bug bubbles i did not even know that cicadas existed the buzz of summer was just that you come to me pleased with yourself a gift joy love peace faithfulness respect self control the tree of life a ceramic disk to warm my bread i look in your warm melting eyes i come home after a long day and find all the jobs done and your shining pride oh it is not a love of poetry and daydreaming it is a love more like granite than it is like a puppy it warms in the sun and heats my body slow and pleasant i rest back down on it and name the shapes in the clouds you take my hand and i spill coffee all over myself in surprise walk out the side with me we can go out together for the first time i shake her hand as she asks me the big question for now i am doing this but i am like the ant and the grasshopper i am prepared for another winter i am a bit jaded i say in a goofy voice divorce will do that to you she says back without hesitation but i find grace for my blessings so great are they buddhism musings rants strong woman zen buddhism born again september 7 2012 meg leave a comment he calls me and i am happy to hear from him he has been a good friend he has helped me tremendously since the divorce fixing my car fixing a leaky tub helping me with some things when i was working on the house this summer he has been a hard working co worker preparing curriculum literacy in art plans and just someone to talk to when things at the district are difficult he loves my sycamore tree almost as much as me his wife is a wonderful sweet woman his kids are awesome his baby used to run to me calling out hi meg with his chubby little arms outstretched for a hug sometimes we have talked about god and about religion and nothing would make him happier than to have me accept jesus as my lord and savior but i cannot do it he says what if you are wrong if you just accept him when you get to the end of your life you will be accepted into heaven with god he says his way is the only way in fact even catholics are suspect they will not get into heaven their belief in god is wrong see i think this way of thinking is wrong it puts up a barrier between you and other people i think this kind of thinking leads to violence between religions i think this kind of thinking has actually caused the deaths of millions and millions of people over the eons i think this kind of thinking is actually deeply evil he called me the other night and once again told me how much he wants me to be saved he told me that god wants me to know that being gay is a sin he told me that even if a child is raped and becomes pregnant they should not be able to have an abortion that god wants that child to be pregnant and that the baby s life is sacred i just don t know or rather i do know he is wrong i have a very strong faith but my faith is not his let me put it in a nutshell we humans have small minds which cannot fathom the greatness or the vastness of the higher power it s like we are in a house and we are all looking out the window at god but some people are looking out different windows what they see is god but it is not all of god and it is their view their perspective but it is not the only view it is not the only way to god some people have this basement view too their view is so limited and so dark some people are on the widow s walk they see a whole lot more of what god is than others we humans have such a limited view of how to get to a greater understanding of god we all have our paths but it is all a path to god its like the sky is god but we are all on different paths to the top of the mountain some people are shouting out this is the path not that one some paths are clear and straight but some are rough and require a bushwhack some paths are riddled with obstacles and some paths are easy slopes some people are climbing up a completely different mountain some people think they are on the summit but it is just a beautiful mountain pond and look there up there on the face of that other hump is an overlook but even that is not the true summit and when you get there its just a small section of what is god it doesn t come close to the whole of what it is here is what i believe god made people who are heterosexual and people who are homosexual and our human minds cannot fathom how or why or what or any of that and really it isn t our place to judge god s decision to have some people love each other one way and some people to love each other another way if my friend can accept the raped baby of a pre teen child why can he not also accept the gayness of a grown man or woman and what kind of person would have a child give be to a baby of rape or incest in some cultures these girls are murdered not the men who do the heinous act but the innocent one i don t think any one ever choses abortion easily but what i do know is that sometimes people do and absolutely it should be a legal option for someone who wants one because the illegal option is horrible awful ugly and usually ends up hurting more than just the fetus it often results in the death of the mother and the end of her chance to bear further children it is not a man s place to make this place for a female not ever it is not an option to eliminate the choice legally because women will continue to make this choice without sanction from men this is not your body it is mine so mind your own damn business and make sure healthy options are available for any choice my friend thinks buddha is a god buddha is not a god buddha was a teacher a man who said listen to my words if you find them to be true good if not keep looking until you find the truth you do not have to believe my words to be the only truth buddha said this life is full of suffering that you must accept your life not with a passive giving up but with an active sense of knowing that all that happens will happen kind of a let go and let god you can be a buddhist and a christian you can be a buddhist and a muslim you can be a buddhist and be an atheist i sometimes let him proselytize to me because it helps him that is something he feels a need to do and as his friend i let him it is a small price to pay for all he has done for me but sometimes i want to tell him to join me on the widow s walk because the view is so much better and sometimes i want to shout his name and wave to him from my mountain top and tell him how beautiful my view is but i don t i let him believe what he believes next time i will tell him thank you my dear friend for your concern but at the end of my life god will judge me and i am pretty sure it will judge me as worthy strong woman wearing my shoes on the right feet september 3 2012 meg 1 comment first i just want to say that i know i talk about it alot maybe sometimes on here a bit too much it surely doesn t occupy my every thought but here is a place where i have been able to work through the trauma of what happened to me here is a place where i can safely express what has happened after the realization about what was wrong and how i can only see it now that everything is feeling right megaclown when you are surrounded by people who are crazy and you are not you begin to wonder if you are the one who is crazy this is such an important lesson for me and i think for the world as it is right now this world is crazy and sometimes i think normal people must feel like they are losing their minds when i was talking regularly to drunk boy i said and did things within the confines of the friendship that made me stop in my tracks and ask what the hell is this person doing that isn t me and when i finally decided to cut off all ties to him and his insane caretaking drug addict friend suddenly i was walking by the mirrors and recognizing myself again it was the drinking yourself to paralysis and seizures that was the illness in the situation it was not at all who i was but the dynamic created by a lifetime of insanity my pirate is...