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description=4 posts published by Meg during June 2014;

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month, june, 2014, living, with, myself, morning, constitutional, serenity, finding, my, true, home, recent, posts, archives, follow, blog, via, email,

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ange the pebbles of our puddly thought to orient pearls menu about month june 2014 musings small joys strong woman treasure living with myself june 28 2014 june 28 2014 meg 1 comment by the time i have figured out its resting place i am dripping with sweat the humidity is high and it is hard work but in the end i stand back and look and it feels good i find myself wishing the room was exactly one foot longer and one foot wider nothing to be done though it will be cozy when the woodstove is burning for now two days later i sit with the eastern light streaming in through the filtered needles of a blue spruce and a spring blooming shrub shubbery i laugh in my head monty python and a random pledging function swirling together to form a mote of my personality when sancho old with cloudy eyes decidedly hearing impaired cancerous and in pain jumped up and looked out the window he turned and kissed me on the cheek for now he sits by the wide open front door laying on the stone tiles watching the neighbors cat i have settled in quickly but in some moments when i am tired i feel a pang or two of loneliness then i notice the thin shape of my ankles contrasted to the thickness of my calves and get on the scale and notice it hasn t budged for the last 20 fricking years and i think no no this body does not yearn for companionship this body yearns for peace and serenity i sit on my meditation rock in the backyard my mind thinking of the kind of lover i want kind intelligent well read doesn t watch alot of tv loves animals nature the outdoors is content to sit and talk quietly to cuddle and as a tiny drop of dew glistens in the morning light i realize i am all of those things i am fine here just as i am i will be my own lover not in the sense of quietly having sex with myself but of loving my self living with myself my coffee is cold the dogs are snoozing and the crystal is making rainbows splash across the room being content is a conscious decision it isn t an easy choice we can dwell on all the things about ourselves which do not satisfy others we can think of all the things in others that makes us feel small about ourselves we can think of all the things about someone else that annoy us and the things about ourselves which not only annoy others but sometimes fester and gnaw at us when we are tired and feeling low we can bitch and moan and want others to meet some nagging need within us but no one will ever live up to that desire i used to tell my ex husband that when you break off one relationship and start a new one you are just trading one set of problems for another either way i have to be content with myself first and i have spent way too much time trying to make myself content dependent on someone else being content with me or being content based on what other people call happiness or being trying to be content while not getting my needs met it doesn t work and i don t want to trade myself in for someone else or someone else s problems the problem for me has always been me i told someone yesterday that i am a bullshit free zone right now i asked someone three days ago why he was always so miserable and told him to answer me civilly because i had had enough of him being a grouch all the time later he apologized when he did it again and i called him on it i won t stand for it i deserve to be treated with respect pure and simple but it all started with respect for myself and the strength to leave a relationship that was abusive financially it was a great situation for me but he was mean and not loving or tender or thoughtful and the 60 inch tv was a constant assault on my senses and my sensibility and as i look around my tidy organized and clean home i think no one will ever call me lazy again no one will ever call me a slob again no one will ever tell me i shouldn t get a new dog because i am never home i work 7 5 hours a day 185 days a year really never home and call me irresponsible at the age of 46 or 86 ever again because i won t stand for it this is my choice to continue on this journey alone because so far trying to get someone else to love me just like this is too damn hard loving myself dogs dreams musings nature small joys strong woman morning constitutional june 22 2014 meg leave a comment rusted post and ring in the dream i had i was trying to cross a river which was now raging where before it was barely a trickle and i am immediately swept away i give in to it as the rush of the water picks up speed i am throw over a raging and deep water fall and pulled from the water the man who pulls me out is like a fairy only human sized and he has a magical fire burning bright but smokeless he tells me he does not know how to build the kind of fire i need to warm me from the shivering hypothermia of the icy cold river i tell him to collect wood and we begin to build up a warm cozy fire i wake with her body against mine like a lover warm and snuggled she kisses my hand as i gently stroke her and then gentle becomes playful after a bathroom break for all of us i get back into the warm bed with my kindle and then knowing the day promises to be hot and sunny i offer a walk they are a bit off their guard where exactly is breakfast their faces ask while they enthusiastically line up for the leashes there is a small park near my home and this is where we wander sometimes still exploring still a new place but a favorite i never go to clark reservation anymore it was once a sanctuary now spoiled by a person who has every right to walk there but who has smashed my peace in that place in so many places this new park filled with the people of the city but in the hush of the early morning a solitary woman a neighbor and her two dogs and i the best part is i can step out my door and be there yesterday i met an old friend at the oriskany herb and flower show sponsored by the cornell cooperative extension and when i came home i planted my rose campion which will reseed itself ten fold my two white yarrows they will spread i know i want them for their medicinal properties my lavender and a pack of strawberries in the strawberry pot i also talked with my landlord and placed the sedum and hollies as he wanted in the front then i mowed the lawns the house looks great he tells me we both love how you have it set up well i guess i am done here since you did most of the jobs i had on my list i feel proud the pirate comes to bring me a polish lunch which of course i have to pay for he is here not more than twenty minutes he spends half of it communing with marley i cannot help but wonder what he thinks when he sees the made bed the tidiness of the house and the work done in the yard does he self reflect and ask himself what the hell was i thinking by knocking this woman down and i find i do not care i like him like this at a distance i chastise him for yelling at the dogs and model the correct way to speak to them when they respond he makes a noise of surprise when he leaves i take a book and quiet now read about elizabeth warren in my big comfy chair while the dogs nap nearby is this not bliss musings small joys strong woman treasure serenity june 15 2014 meg 2 comments each day is a day of discovery how it feels to make cookies to get flour on the counter to eat them silently enjoying the butterscotch flavor of the butter and brown sugar with the rich darkness of the chocolate chips looking at myself in the mirror and accepting the cold sore that has been attempting to grow there for about two months i give up and do not take my usual l lysine i note the way the dog lies by the door looking out at the neighborhood and when it becomes dark he jumps up on the chair beside me marley makes room for him gracious and kind and the cat jumps up and we are three huddled on a chair and an ottoman i brush him gentle mindful of being bitten just a few days ago he hurts and i am just trying to make him comfortable as if he knows he seems more kind and more gentle with me coming to me quiet and laying his head on my knee i know buddy panting though it isn t hot i know you are hurting and when i take down the leash he comes to me he wants badly to go and he plugs away trudging slowly but steadily beside me stopping now where he never would have before to drink from the rocky stream marley races down the paths and then romps in the water with a gentle push and then almost pulls me in as she leaps to the embankment on the other side taking note of the sleep finally which enters my life through prescribed drugs i feel human i feel alive i feel serene do i not now look at my life for more than a half dozen years and ask was all of it worth it i sigh with pleasure as i settle into a chair on the screened porch the dogs watch birds and squirrels and the cat waits for her boyfriend to visit i go out into the yard and there is a patch of sun on a large raised and flat rock and i sink down onto it soaking in its warmth after the cold of yesterday my knees settle and my hands and without thought or effort i am meditating my thoughts race and twist and bend but i am so at peace even my dreams of long lost love have changed i tell him in my dream this isn t real you are not actually here you wouldn t ever be here i wouldn t let you none of this is real he chastises me and thinks i am crazy i am not i wake from the dream i have found a path out of the nightmares i spend the day shopping at the market doing housework yard work mowing and weeding and shoveling i make strawberries into jam and bananas into bread i wash and cut and package fruit and vegetables for healthy snacks and by noon i have done it all i am not lazy don t you ever fucking call me lazy again old friends visit and see the ease of my manner they comment on it i had crossed a threshold of tightly wound to the point of being off balance but a change of scenery makes all the difference i feel at ease was all this trouble for this the dogs beg to go out ringing the bells on the front door they want a walk i name the new paths this one is jumping pit bull lane this one is stair to nowhere this one is huck s island path this one is creek path and what might i name myself i paint my toenails in the dusk and marvel at how beautiful i feel musings strong woman treasure uncategorized finding my true home june 9 2014 meg 2 comments the unpacking is barely done or maybe not quite done and i am on my way to a reunion of an odd assortment of people some i barely know some i once knew some i do not know all a group who have a common experience or experiences last time i struggled with my life long issue of never quite fitting in this time it was lessened by two additional years of interaction and a much closer friend in attendance and perhaps after all this time therapy has helped but the best help of all was a little tidbit from a that there is a large number of socially awkward people in this world it took 12 hours to feel at home in my new home 12 hours before i said this is home this is comfortable i could get used to being here and the comfort of being in my own place and horror of horrors being attached to the things in my life that have been missing for two years gems and treasures of my littlest angel rough hewn box of godly gifts i don t dance i used to until someone told me i dance like elaine on seinfeld like i am having a seizure i don t do this i don t do that i used to do them before i was told how fat ugly stupid unattractive unworthy of time unworthy of attention i am i question myself is my humor too much when i hear a voice telling me i am unladylike or that i should not speak this way i am an embarrassment i sit in the early morning talking with a bozo pain is just weakness leaving the body you must have a lot of weakness i say he hobbles to a chair and sits i tell him i am done with this thing called romantic relationship he tells me do not be done i say i am tired of being told i am not good enough that i am fat ugly and stupid you are none of these he says we pass wisdom between us in the end i say i am not saying i would not welcome romance but i am not looking for it as i make my mashed potatoes and caramelized onions with last nights left over sausage i think of how comfortable i feel in my place and how i never want to lose this comfort again i think of the smallest of favors asked and the refusal and the hemming and hawing contrasted with a kiss just yesterday morning and the texts that follows calling out my son in law for not doing it for me my calm response he did enough for me yesterday as he carried in several heavy boxes a table and carried out over a hundred pounds of metal to be scrapped i am tired of people speaking ill of this young man who is maturing bit by bit he isn t perfect but he treats my daughter better than the last two of my relationships treated me he at least came over when i asked and did what i asked without criticizing someone else for not doing it forget it i say i don t need your help after all i watch as the dry husk of a spider floats on a gossamer thread in the breeze shimmering until it is lost and i am still here standing in the sun as the water sings the melody of the crone in my ear i am good here and you you both were or are wrong because i am good here and the fault lies not with me but with the vile ugliness of your own reflection do not tell me i am not good enough for i am recent posts begin again speaking of lantern in the dark full moon setting no title archives october 2025 october 2022 march 2022 december 2021 november 2021 october 2021 december 2020 may 2019 april 2019 february 2019 january 2019 march 2018 february 2018 january 2018 december 2017 november 2017 august 2017 may 2017 march 2017 january 2017 november 2016 october 2016 june 2016 april 2016 march 2016 january 2016 december 2015 november 2015 october 2015 september 2015 august 2015 july 2015 june 2015 may 2015 march 2015 february 2015 december 2014 november 2014 october 2014 september 2014 august 2014 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