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october 2021 living a life skip to content living a life change the pebbles of our puddly thought to orient pearls menu about month october 2021 uncategorized transition october 26 2021 meg leave a comment you know when a woman person is in labor and goes through transition that place between pains and and birth action this transition period is a time when the woman is done with everyone s shit kind of like the crone period of a woman s life this is where we are in the world of dementia a year ago my mom was diagnosed with some kind of cognitive impairment the stories began to repeat not every visit but throughout the visit a loop of 15 20 minutes there were other changes too when the alarm was sounded it became our mission to manage this disease to get everything in place and make sure my mom could stay independent as long as possible the steps we take to make this decision are not done lightly it involves hours on the phone reading research doctors appointments tests and modifications and there is nothing simple about getting someone who has no short term memory to understand and to remember to understand why we are doing these things add in a heaping portion of stubbornness some mild narcissism and whatever other personality issues a person has next you add in your own power and control issues your own trauma and your own personality issues and now you have utter chaos chaos intermixed with fear lack of knowledge comprehension and love and anger and whatever other natural emotions a person feels and you have a cup of vinegar and some baking soda ready to go i feel lucky that i have my brother sister and daughter my cousin is a free radical and although he is physically helping my mom he is making things so much harder because he is not on the same page nor is he in the same book the reasons why are up for debate is it love desire for an inheritance stupidity drug and alcohol addled brain who knows but its a mess there is so much grace in handling this alone i cannot fathom how it feels to deal with these things without someone to help you to listen and on this front i am so lucky too that the social worker at geriatric doctor is not only dealing with this in her own family but is super helpful with resources advice and just being a sounding board i need a space for this and if anyone else is dealing with this issue of dementia feel free to reach out if you are on your own or fighting a free radical lone electron please comment if you are not ready to talk like and subscribe maybe we can find some common ground change the pebbles of our puddly thought to orient pearls dementia uncategorized october 16 2021 meg leave a comment green morning long hours sleeping dog whining wakeful stumbling to the door face rubbing sleepy all the world aglow in green uncategorized love and loss october 10 2021 meg leave a comment i have this neighbor our friendship began when i moved here to this country home laughter nights by the fire alcohol jokes and pranks played on each other admonished gently by my giant but when i check with the hunter he tells me you are all good honey and hsi lady laughs and says don t worry about it at all the small gifts of jars of jelly and permission to walk his land to forage wild strawberries and pine needles the occasional venison a painting i did on his wall surely they give more than i i am terrible at such things and then at his mom s funeral i suddenly understand and i also find a deeper way to accept myself not that i spend alot of time thinking about it as much anymore his lady tells me about his mom how she never held anything back she cussed and she spoke her truth and as the lady describes her she is looking at me and grinning suddenly it hits me why i get along so well with the hunter he reminds me of my dad quiet loving a man of few words a presence without artifice and i remind him of his mom i say this and the lady says affirms my assessment and as the hunter s family speaks of who she was i see myself lying on a blanket in the grass looking at clouds and finding the shapes with my grands and at once i feel like all that i am should not be left to criticism but that i should fall more wholly into myself uncategorized dig deep october 7 2021 october 7 2021 meg leave a comment deep in the woods and not just any woods but ones that are old and moss covered and spongey you may find that all the earth beneath the roots is gone and the lattice of roots and earth are all that remain when this happens the winds can rock the tree and all that lattice work and whatever stands upon it but the intertwining of all the roots keeps it intact and if not then life continues does it not it may or may not continue as what we would call a living tree but it does continue in some form or another a home for a skunk homes for mushrooms and toadstools home for other life that lives in the richness of the tree s remains this new life is different no better no worse just different roots latch on and roots release life continues older wiser less prone to the resentments and more aware of areas where pain is triggered areas where pain is released areas where pain remains pain though is there and its real one wonders if its the bite of a tick the liver detoxify the heart re stitching itself old age but it is there the breath moves in and out and like the tree the body sways and moves to the changing days the wind it carries on it words whispers spoors and pollens and the trees receive the messages via the stillness and the fury and all that exists in the inbetween the branches and bean pods fall to the ground and fire is lit smoke rises up and magic is made a prayer a wish a spell a breath red jasper bloodstone and garnet t toadstools in my neighbors yard under a pine hedge may my words harm none may my negative actions be forgiven may you find peace uncategorized woman s song october 4 2021 meg leave a comment life is so incredibly perfect and i sit staring off into the distance feeling the warmth of the autumn sun on my black t shirt i think about the plants that grow wild amongst my cultivated perennials the yarrow long left to leaves the tansy picked and used to dye three skeins of handspun yarn the last of the echinacea the grapevine in the bucket at my feet it is my fifty forth birthday and i am alone here at least for the moment i pick up the twisted pile of wet vines and begin to form a circle life has a funny way to it doesn t it the things you thought you could count on long gone the rituals you once practiced a faded memory that makes you wistful for someone that has passed on to the next level of consciousness the life you want right in front of you or perhaps not there really are no guarantees are there i weave the vine around itself i think of my strengths my weaknesses and my gifts the magic of my dreams to tell me things i shouldn t know the power of feeling family in times of emotional stress and death the knowledge of plant medicine the gift of my art the insecurity that has plagued me for so long its like a cyst like tar the anger the dismay the lack of acceptance for this feeling i realize i need to embrace this insecurity let it linger in my words and actions let it describe me i need to etch it on my skin but also i need to know its simply a feeling one that has generally not served me well in fact can you think of anytime when insecurity served you comment your reply i am like this wreath in some ways parts of me dead parts still living parts that grasp and parts that bend and parts that are toughened and hard to move i marvel too at how all the plants here in this yard serve a purpose the pokeberry the grapevine the ground cherry the nightshade the sumac their ability to dye to weave to eat to poison and there is an bloom of understanding these plants were once put here likely by people for their practical uses and as i sit here writing while i listen to a training for a second time somehow it didn t register the first time i think of my purpose the practical the spiritual the crone the gardener the weaver the artist all the things i do and know that make me me i think of what it must feel like to lose this this self and in this moment i take a breath and let it all go i feel my power inside my belly the center a bit of grit the nascent the breeze the light and color through the mist of the morning the sounds of birds singing the water burbling the wholeness of being there in the blue sky there is a pressure inside me a desire for indomitability swelling magic and intuition and creativity the desire for recognition poking at me from somewhere the desire to be fully immersed in this life and the wish to be able to afford it i want to manifest this published as a writer known in an official capacity as an artist an intuitive wisdom healer a person of truth and integrity respectful and respected to anyone i have harmed i am sorry please forgive me thank you i offer only love recent 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