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a good kind of complicated i admit i m seeing progress already with the boys and i m thrilled about it and i m learning a lot about them and me and the brain which is always interesting and i m learning that i m not as bad a mom as i always thought i was seeing as how it takes a small fleet of trained professionals to properly do what i ve been schlockily doing all on my untrained amateur own so that s been something of a relief honestly and i ve been trying to figure out what one mom and one kid do on their own together because well that s kind of a whole new thing for me i ve always been so busy using the zone defense style of parenting that this whole man on man time for actual conversations well as much conversation as my kids are willing to offer and creating opportunities for teaching moments thing is throwing me for a real serious loop seriously i ve been finding myself often saying to people so um what do you do when it s just you and one kid does this mean you can like go to actual stuff together and not break out in a nervous sweat the moment you arrive because i haven t figured out how to do that yet so yeah that would be why nobody s seen hide nor hair of me lately though i am on twitter for anyone who is interested i still lurk around a bit and try to keep up but it s going to be a while before i can even try to get back to posting even as irregularly as i was keep on fighting the good fight y all and i hope to be back soon october 23 2008 at 1 29 am 3 comments everything i know pt 1 i ve got a whole series of thoughts about how becoming a mother has had a huge effect on how i feel about myself and especially my body they kind of fall into two basic categories 1 ways in which the physical aspects of motherhood pregnancy childbirth and breastfeeding changed me and 2 things i have learned from my children themselves by observing how they eat move and treat their bodies seeing as they don t have 30 years of psycho emotional baggage to contend with i don t know how well i ll do getting these all written and out but i m gonna try everything i know about loving my body i learned from my kids i ve been trying to catch up on blog reading the past few days and came across this post from wellroundedtype2 at first i just started to comment but as often happens for me when i found myself starting a third paragraph i thought i might as well just make it a whole darn post of my own a lot of the feelings wellroundedtype2 describes having about her child i have about my own children i know there will come a day when one of their peers tells them that their mother s body is unacceptable i try not to think about it much but the fact is i m sure it will happen and probably more than once and so in the meantime i am doing all i can to encourage my boys to love their bodies and to at least make a good show of seeming to love my own it s not always easy i ve had a lot of years practice at feeling inadequate and pretending my body just doesn t much exist as best i can but i chant fake it til you make it to myself and give it a shot anyway so about six months ago when one of my boys developed a fascination with my belly i squelched my angst about it and took a deep breath and pretended that it was fine that when he pushed my shirt up and nudged the top of my pants down a bit to reveal my belly button i didn t mind i focused on my breathing and managed not to flinch when he rubbed his hands all the way out to the sides of my belly and then when he decided to look at my belly button from way too close up i managed to pretend my laughter was due to tickling instead of embarrassment that first time i thought okay he wants to check out my tummy that s fine because all bodies are fine because he loves me and has no idea that somehow my body isn t supposed to be lovable and so he loves my body as much as he loves the rest of me okay fake it til you make it christ on a cracker i hope he doesn t plan to make a habit of this well of course he did decide to make a habit of it murphy s laws of parenthood required it and from that point on he didn t go more than a couple days between requests to check out my belly sometimes he d just rub his face on it and stick his fingers in my belly button then his brother got in on the action and sometimes i d be subjected to a whole series of amateur league raspberries being blown on my belly which was just damn funny and so i laughed my butt off at that by this point i was no longer faking it as much i d kind of gotten used to it and a lot of the time i just found it really sweet actually then they started up this game where they would trace the shapes of various foods on my belly mostly various fruits and cookies and pretend that those were all the things in my tummy regardless of what i d actually eaten and by then it was just a thing and so i focused on encouraging more talking from them because talking is a bit of an issue for us these days and teaching them words and concepts and the like and so now i m cool with it of course we have discussions about how we don t lift up our clothes in public and sometimes i m not feeling up for it and so we save it for another time but a good portion of the time it s just this thing my kids do and it s cute they love my belly some kids love their mom s hair some kids love to play with their mom s hands my kids love my belly the funny thing is the longer it goes on the more and more i accept my body myself when i couldn t keep up with a yoga class a week or so ago i was cool with it i said damn that class kicked my ass and that s all there was too it i didn t view it as some kind of proof of my failure as a person and once upon a time oh i soooo would have even during classes that don t kick my ass if there are moves i can t do i don t do them or i modify them but otherwise i don t worry about it it s just my body it does the best it can for me and i am learning to appreciate that and not spend so much time pouting about why it can t be a completely different body than it is i m learning to treat it more nicely and let it call the shots more often than i used to and i m also learning that when i do let my body call the shots when i eat when i m hungry stop when i m full sleep when i m tired move when i m energetic i feel better a lot of the time i joke about how once they re old enough to understand what grounding is my kids are going to be grounded until they re 30 for all the crazy things they ve done and the shocks they ve caused me thus far in their lives the truth is they ve also taught me a lot i wouldn t be the person i am today if it weren t for them i would still be treating my body with suspicion and contempt trying to deny its very existence as best i could i suppose that means i owe them a little bit too well maybe they ll only be grounded until they re 27 then march 31 2008 at 4 22 pm 6 comments mom s birthday this sunday will mark the 54th anniversary of my mother s birth it will also be the first of her birthdays we will spend without her i ve spent most of the past ten months trapped between a desire to organize and revolutionize and galvanize against the fat hatred which told her that her health was not worth tending that her life was not worth saving and the terrible knowledge in my heart that if she knew what i had done that i d written about her life and experiences as a fat woman that i d even said publicly that she d been a fat woman she would be mortified furious appalled we almost never talked about weight or body size at my house once my sister and i reached puberty we were all fat and we just didn t talk much about it unless we absolutely had to like during the annual clothes shopping trip before the new school year and that sort of thing my mom like i think a lot of us fat folks was always torn between wanting to be noticed and wanting to disappear she wanted to be noticed for being interested in fashion for knowing how to dress and for all that her tastes and mine were nothing alike my mom really did know how to put herself together when she wanted to for being funny and generous and enthusiastic but she also feared being noticed because if someone noticed her they would also notice she was fat and she d been in the world plenty long enough to know that you couldn t trust most people to look at a fat person and see anything but a big disgusting fatty so for me to be here talking about my mom being fat and talking about how she d been hurt and humiliated by that doctor and telling the whole freakin world about what she went through she would hate that she would slap my disrespectful mouth and rightfully so who the hell am i to go on the internet of all places and talk about things she never even talked about with me how dare i sit here and say i loved my mom and i wish like crazy we could have gotten over all our difficulties so we could have been closer than we were and say that i miss her and can hardly listen to oldies on the radio anymore because half the songs i hear remind me of her when at the same time i m doing the one thing that would have hurt and humiliated her more than anything else and then i read things like this comment from fatgirlonadate or this comment from none given in the same thread or i read posts at first do no harm a project inspired by my posts about mom but which i ve done jack to help out on in months so caught up am i in fears of what my mom would think of all this now i read all this stuff and i see that these things are continuing that people s lives are at stake here and i think mom wouldn t have wanted that if mom had known about all this if she d known what other people had suffered as a result of the same cruelty from certain health care professionals as she had she would have joined up she would have bought a to hell with tiny pants t shirt and worn it loud and proud while bumming around the house on a saturday afternoon that whole ambivalence about being noticed thing you see and she would have taken part in the discussions she would have encouraged none given to get her necessary checkups and not take no for an answer from some lab coated jerkwad too prissy to touch a fat woman s vagina she would have sent an email to fatgirlonadate expressing her sincere condolences about fatgirl s aunt and probably would have included a link to a book that she thought might help fatgirl and her mom cope with their grief and it s only now that i m sitting here writing this and thinking seriously about what mom would have done if she had been around for all this that i m finally feeling like perhaps just maybe i ve done the right thing that she s not stomping around the afterlife hating me and cursing the day she gave birth to me that if she s out there somewhere maybe she s even a little bit proud of me so sunday in honor of mom s birthday i ll be going to my yoga class in my to hell with tiny pants t shirt even if i m concerned it s a little short on me and i ll be showing the whole class my stretch marky belly and if anyone asks i ll explain what it means and why i m wearing it and i ll listen to take me home country roads by john denver and i ll cry a whole bunch and i ll probably do something else too but mostly i m going to try to keep in mind what mom would have done if she d known about all this i m going to stay focused on how mom would have responded to the fatosphere and try to ignore the voices that tell me she would never have wanted me to say a word about her because she never thought about herself so long as it had just been her she wouldn t have worried about it but there s no way she would have stood for someone else being treated the same way she had been there s no way she would have sat back and done nothing knowing that other people were living in pain were sick and some were even dying because of health care professionals who think they re too good to treat fat people maybe she wouldn t have been on the front lines but she d have been here she d be reading and commenting and supporting other people as much as she could granted i doubt she d be thrilled to know i talked about her so publicly but i think she d have understood and i think she d have forgiven me well eventually march 27 2008 at 3 57 am 10 comments sock day it s snowing like whoa outside i m cooped up with the kids and the rotund just posted up a review of some socks from sock dreams so i figure i ll hop on the bandwagon and declare it sock day it s excellent timing really because i ordered three pair from sock dreams a few weeks ago thanks to tr s favorable reviews and just wore the third pair the other day so now i can comment on all of them yay me first off my deets i m 5 4 tall and am slightly long legged but not crazily so i wear a size 8 8 5 shoe and my calf at the widest part is i wanna say just under 18 inches around i think that s right but i can t be arsed to go find a tape measure at the moment if someone is super curious say the magic word and i ll figure it out again electric striped knee highs of the pairs i got these are my favorites they re super soft 6 cashmere yum warm 31 wool and i love the stripes i got the lime colorway and for all that they re expensive as hell i m fighting hard to resist the urge to order myself another pair they re a bit long on me i wound up folding them a couple inches at the top but i m totally fine with that they stretched all right over my calf but it was a bit of a struggle to pull them up so i think anyone whose calf is much larger than mine might have a tough time with them once up however they stayed up all day and were nice and cushiony the fabric is a nice medium weight about on pair with regular sport socks or the socks i might knit myself sock it to me skulls and stripes i really like these socks come on they ve got skulls on them they d have to totally suck for me to not like them luckily they don t suck they accommodate my calf just fine though like with the electric stripe socks i get the feeling i m coming close to the outer limit of their elasticity and stayed up all day no problem that said they re thinner than i generally prefer much more a trouser sock type weight and because i was stretching them so much width wise they were juuuuust long enough to reach my knee i got the grey and black colorway and am pretty happy with them 75 cotton 20 nylon 5 spandex dreamy knees overall i like these socks and will certainly wear them again however i am not sure i will buy any more despite them coming in some really great colors i got the sweet pea colorway they re comfortable in fact i liked the feel of the fabric on these socks much more than i liked the fabric on the skull socks however thanks to the much higher spandex content by the time i wore these for a few hours the ankles had gotten pretty baggy the feet were also really loose on me and so combined with the bagginess of the ankles when i took off my shoes the feet of the socks tried to slide off with them which is t...