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thoughts from tess skip to main skip to sidebar thoughts from tess reflections from a southern girl saturday august 6 2011 joy joanna smiled as the sound of laughter radiated down the hallway and into her room she tried to remember the last time she had heard this kind of spontaneous unpracticed joy and was both shocked and saddened to realize that nothing came to mind how had she allowed her life to become so barren so empty of the things that made her heart the happiest when had she become content with the status quo and more willing to exist than to live when had making the perfect salad become more of a priority than dancing in the rain when had getting dressed for him become more important than wearing her favorite sneakers she shook the questions from her head and headed toward the source of the laughter the smile easing its way across her face awakening the twinkle in her eye posted by tess at 3 16 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday march 27 2011 good enough too much or too little where the hell does one find just enough from the time we enter toddlerhood we re taught that there is too big accompanied by too small and the elusive just right after all goldilocks that silly little twit found it so it must be real why is it that as adults in the twenty first century we continue to blindly grasp for its intangible perfection always clutching at air when is good enough well good enough posted by tess at 10 38 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday march 26 2011 pieces of real pieces of real scattered the landscape of her days jumbled among the lies fantasies and imaginings he fed her they were the moments when she knew with peace shattering clarity the glaring truth of the matter those were the stabbing glimpses of authenticity when she knew without doubt that he did not and would never love her as she loved him then came the salvation of the blessed oblivion of the make believe the warm cocoon of habit and routine cloaked in the comforting shroud of denial she made the bed descended the stairs started the coffee and pretended it was real when he kissed her and said good morning baby then when he told her of the upcoming business trip she smiled and pretended that was real too posted by tess at 7 59 am 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday september 12 2010 forks in the road i spent hours on the back porch with my grandmother sipping iced tea sweet and cold listening to the stories of the child i had once been and the adventures i had embarked upon i heard of the fearlessness of a young girl full of determination and courage tales accompanied by the backdrop of cricket song and cicadas humming in the summer evenings i saw myself through the eyes of another eyes wiser and richer than my own with memories and perspectives lost to me hours were spent poring over photographs in the school yearbooks revisiting the years filled with teen angst and insecurity remembering the dreams the hopes the possibilities and the magical sense of invincibility each story each photograph each memory brought not only recollection but unexplored avenues each full of opportunities to spread my wings and fly i began to see not only the woman i was at my very core but also the woman who could have been had any other forks in the road been chosen i began to see the woman who could yet be posted by tess at 5 55 pm 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday august 16 2010 slumber lost somewhere between sleep and waking she turned toward the weight newly settled on the far side of the bed reaching out a hand toward the warmth she knew would be there his mere presence brought with it the security needed for her release into that place of absolute rest and escape she scooted close settling into the crrok of an arm that fit her shape perfectly for hours she had listened for the sound of the garage the door the rattle of keys the whisper of quiet footsteps as he attempted to make no sound little did he know that sleep had eluded her as she waited for his return dozing only to find herself awake again jarred into the moment by the absence of her other half now with that gentle touch her eyes closed in total peace as slumber carried her away posted by tess at 9 40 am 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday august 13 2010 then and now the rain had eased but the gray skies still echoed with the darkness in her heart she worked her way down the street crowded with parked cars and veered right at the first intersection when she was eight that intersection had been the boundary point her mother reminding her to go not one step past the stop sign there when she was ten it had been the meeting spot for sleep overs at mandy s house the girls would meet at the halfway point and then walk giggling back to the house that was the evening s destination at thirteen it was the marker between before and after then her world had been so orderly and full and abundant but now it was empty and dark and cold posted by tess at 2 54 pm 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday july 18 2010 every night he watched her waltzing entry to the room the sway of her hips making the black silk covering them whisper of forbidden secrets he knew the scent of her that wafted across the space to envelope him in the familiar and the unknown overwhelming his senses the twinkle in her eye as she paused to charm the men in her path tripped his heartbeat into a faster tempo forcing him to focus on the conversation with the client across from him he saw her graceful tapered fingers rest briefly on the sleeve of the chairman s tailored black jacket taking his imagination to places best visited in private as he thought of other places those hands had wandered and still he smiled and chatted and schmoozed and played his part to perfection after all she d be going home with him just like she had every night for the last twenty years posted by tess at 3 11 pm 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday july 17 2010 meantime living borrowed words today meantimers don t live in the here and now they live in the there and now in the meantime is a defense it s a way of hedging your bets and avoiding the very risks that often lead to personal growth in the meantime people almost always have big plans to get in shape to sign up for some classes to quit their jobs to start that novel to change their lives the present is trivialized it s the future that matters all of the things they re not happy with are just for now these same meantimers believe they hold the reins of their destiny by keeping a full calender but more than anything in the meantime living is is motivated by fear it may be the fear of dealing with an unhealthy relationship the fear of being alone but it s fear nonetheless and that fear is preventing you from taking a needed step toward empowerment worse that fear is keeping you in a state of limbo and it s lowering the standards you re willing to tolerate sometimes the there and now isn t about the future it s about the past and not being able to move on imagine going through years of your life with the gut feeling that none of it really matters yet that it will start at some point in the future and that the present doesn t really count does this feeling seem familiar have you ever told yourself that everything will ultimately fall into place once you fill in the blank e g publish that book lose ten pounds meet a great person get that promotion buy that house and so on and who wouldn t want to convince themselves that at least some of the effort was worthwhile that all of the energy you expended on whatever really did matter we can t live every moment like it s our last because doing so would make every moment too serious so we do the opposite we live lightly and frivolously squandering our moments ian kerner posted by tess at 4 40 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday july 15 2010 the moment a wise person once said that we often don t recognize the most important things at the moment they happen that s the way it was weeks later when she was struck with the realization of what had transpired the truth of it took her breath away on that rainy thursday afternoon the moment after he walked away she knew it was true he had carried her heart for the longest time and she hadn t even noticed only now when it lay bruised and bleeding at her feet did she realize she had given it and all the love it held away posted by tess at 10 23 pm 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday june 14 2010 chaos i never believed in love at first sight how can you possibly love someone when you don t even know them i never even believed in love at second sight or third or fourth for that matter i always believed that you had to know someone for a while really know them before you could love them until i was proven wrong i learned that you could love someone the moment your eyes met that there was something that wasn t logical or reasonable or even remotely safe that could grab hold of your heart and take your breath away to say that i accepted it at face value would of course be a lie i fought it like a demon from hell i tried to make it fit into a sensible box that would make order of the chaos running rampant through my heart i tried to ignore it i tried to laugh it off i allowed fear to rule my life and in the end that fear multiplied the chaos and gave birth to a broken heart posted by tess at 1 13 am 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me tess thousand oaks ca i m a freelance writer and part time grad student not always in that order i love being a student and i love playing with words view my complete profile followers past thoughts 2011 3 august 1 joy march 2 2010 20 september 1 august 2 july 3 june 1 may 1 april 1 march 4 february 6 january 1 2009 77 december 3 november 5 october 5 september 4 august 3 july 13 june 9 may 8 april 1 march 12 february 6 january 8 2008 19 december 7 november 1 october 11 places to go creativepotager s blog six sentences the bathroom monologues sneak peeks by louise yeiser unconscious mutterings creatingagoodlife com a cold rush of air stories and scribbles starlight blog redondowriter s sacred ordinary a shelter from the storm ballad of a giggling girl calling shotgun bukowski s basement wait what fiction writer jodi macarthur sunday scribblings a joyful spirit the writer s den marti s theory and cinderella lost her shoe the small art of words a daring adventure grow wings creating character photography writing red gumboots meanwhile at the confluence of two rivers not for robots mulled vine jayonguitar s posterous cautionary discretion wash the bowl honest scrap award mary anne at starlight blog has gifted me with the honest scrap award this award is for those bloggers who write from the heart icing on the cake award view my page on six sentences visit outsider writers goodreads quotes subscribe to posts atom posts all comments atom all comments snap shots sharethis nwb follow this blog c