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Text of the page (random words):
o be exact this new year has brought them into my life with what has felt to me like gale force in other words it s hard to type up a blog post when your hands are busy trying to keep the hair out of your eyes unfortunately the kind of change i ve been dealing with is the hard kind the kind that you should have seen coming the kind that you could have been better prepared for maybe had you not been so involved in reinforcing that wind block you didn t even realize you d built change within the person i ve spent close to half my life loving change within myself change within our relationship our family my foundation embrace change they say i have many strengths but this has never been one of them while embracing still feels beyond me i am struggling to allow myself to flow along with it with as much inner strength and outer grace as i can muster lucky for me these things come easier needless to say there has been a lot of soul searching going on around these parts the other day this lead to the excavation of an old cardboard box buried deep in the detritus of family life that builds up over time in a household closet bits and pieces saved from my childhood through college years the contents ranging from a few of my milk teeth and locks of soft blond toddler hair to old report cards yearbooks and a few pieces of childhood artwork to letters written as a kid to my grandfather and mailed across the country before finding their way back to me after his death handmade father s day cards an american flag i inadvertently won in a high school government class drawing it came with an official certificate that it had flown over the capital building to old photos and my old michael jackson scrapbook from the 80 s i was a very dedicated fan to a certain love letter written to me 14 years ago that i now can t read without my heart breaking into a million little pieces there was also an old journal from my college years during the 90 s covered in sunflowers of course with only a few bits of writing that i d done very sporadically i was a science major and didn t spend much time writing for fun or as a creative outlet in addition to the writing in the journal there was an old piece of binder paper folded up neatly into fours a poem i d hand written during my high school years that i don t recall ever having shown to anyone i was not really a kid to write poetry but felt compelled to compose this and made sure to save it for whatever reason oddly enough one of milla s posts awhile back jogged my memory of its existence and i even told her as much in the comments milla this one s for you ___________________________________________________________________________________ the silent bliss of solitude peace within myself reflection upon the deepest reality of my soul the ability to wander undisturbed through the intricate labyrinth of my mind the silent bliss of solitude detachment from the ever daunting judgments and expectations of others able to remove the mask far from the masquerade ball of the social world the silent bliss of solitude within my temple of silence serene tranquility envelopes my senses i allow few to enter and witness the beauty of what s inside for fear that its contents will not be appreciated perhaps someday i will possess the security to leave my temple even still i will always value the silent bliss of solitude ___________________________________________________________________________________ friends i will tell you it kills me a little to realize that at 41 years old i still have quite a ways to go with the security that young girl wrote hopefully of possessing one day in a way i feel like i ve let her down let us down in truth the only thing i have found more difficult in this life than embracing change is opening myself up letting people in there s not even a rational reason for it it has always just been how i am i can still remember being asked quite frequently by other kids in my early years of elementary school why don t you talk how come you never talk they weren t asking this question in a mean way i was never teased about it they were simply curious as young children are about things that are different i didn t look different but i felt different and when they would ask me this i would very honestly answer that i didn t know why and i didn t why do you have so much to say and feel so comfortable saying it i could have asked them but i didn t not to say that there hasn t been progress in this area throughout my life because there has indeed and now would be an appropriate time to mention that this blog over the past five years has actually helped me a lot i ve made some really wonderful connections as a result of putting myself out there in this way and it spills over into my real life too as i m tallying up my greatest hits list of flaws challenging character elements though it bears mentioning that i will also bend over backwards in any direction required to avoid conflict and am definitely one to choose the path of least resistance when given a choice so as a change resisting closed off conflict avoider how s that for a trifecta of disfunction it s really a wonder i ve managed to keep an 18 year relationship going in the first place right or is it exactly how i ve managed to keep it going these are the sort of painful questions i m asking myself these days i realize it may be sounding as if i feel that i am solely to blame not at all i didn t arrive here by myself and we all have our own inner struggles i am merely focusing on the things that are within my power to change on the bright side the effects of how this will ultimately change me for the better are already making themselves felt as it turns out when your heart is torn open and i m referring to a feeling both emotional and that phantom physical pain a doorway is created for true self to emerge blinking into the light and a channel opened for gifts like more meaningful connection and personal growth where it s needed most to find their way in protection mechanisms are funny things like for some people having long hair makes them feel protected however when that wind starts blowing it around and it s keeping you from seeing where you are and where you need to go it s just in the way i suppose all one can do is face the wind head on let it sting your soft skin with its cold lessons and send fresh air deep into your lungs then open your eyes as your hair blows back and look ahead i ll leave you with something i wrote in the journal years later when i was 22 i remember feeling compelled to write it in the same way as the earlier poem ___________________________________________________________________________________ perspective i stand on the beach above a vast expanse of white sand looking down i see tiny black insects scattered beneath me i crouch and observe the small black creatures scurrying about in their minute little white sand world as i stand again they become black dots on a white canvas suddenly i feel so big like a giant being the sun beats down on me i hear the waves crashing on the shore beside me and i feel content day becomes night and i stand beneath the blackness of the never ending sky above me as i lay down upon the sand still clinging to the warmth of the now invisible sun i gaze up into a black infinity my trance like stare interrupted by the magnificence of the star filled sky hundreds of thousands of tiny luminescent fixtures of space and time floating about in a sea of black they shine like white dots on a black canvas yet there is an added dimension of depth suddenly i feel so small but at the same time part of something huge as if i were a tiny piece of a massive jigsaw puzzle fit securely into place as these beautiful sources of light beam down upon me i am enveloped by the refreshing ocean breeze and i feel alive ___________________________________________________________________________________ i ve spent a long time fostering a sense of contentment in my life and for the most part i have been wildly successful but maybe just maybe feeling alive could be even better posted by missa 43 comments sunday january 6 2013 a winter hike last weekend we went for a hike with two of lucas sisters and their families up at sugarloaf ridge to catch the waterfall in all its gushing post rains glory it was a sight to behold for sure and a beautiful day all around we hiked a 2 mile loop involving a couple of steep climbs and the kiddos did great such a lovely way to close out 2012 speaking of which happy new year i hope it s treating you all well so far new years eve ended up being pretty fun and involved costumes so i ll probably post a few pics from that with the holidays and clover out of school for the past two weeks i ve been a quiet observer in blogland but with school starting up again and things getting back to normal i m looking forward to making the rounds this week and putting in some time in those comments sections missin my girls of course see ya round the bend posted by missa 11 comments labels friends and family outings tuesday december 25 2012 christmas is family we celebrated with my family on sunday my youngest sister julia and her fiance mitchell they ll be getting married in hawaii next summer woot woot hosted in the home they bought together this year clover was pretty stoked on her new brave get up with that ear sticking out doesn t she looks like a little elf in these pics with my beautiful mom and sisters from left shayna 8 years younger than me julia 10 years younger mom and val 2 years younger yup i m the oldest toss in some husbands or soon to be add some kids and you ve got the whole fun crew always a blast hanging out with my fam today we re spending time with lucas family and then off to gather with friends this evening things have been so busy lately i haven t been around to the comments sections of all my best bloggy gals i love you ladies y all know who you are from mine to yours a very merry christmas full of love laughter kinship and many magical moments posted by missa 9 comments labels friends and family holiday friday december 14 2012 she s crafty last sunday i had the pleasure of joining my dear lovely creative friend angelina as a vendor at the santa rosa crafts fair known as shop party held at the arlene francis center a wonderful old brick building in historic railroad square we were both excited to set up shop for the day in the little corner we shared with angelina s friend cleo another first time vendor and maker of beautiful knitwear angelina s handmade patchwork pillows braided rag bracelets and unique mixed media homemade holiday cards were accompanied by my own galactic gift boxes i used nice thick pages from a 1970 astronomy book picked up last summer at a garage sale to create origami style boxes an old suitcase that milla had given me made a perfect display case i can t say i blame the woman who fell in love with the beautiful waves of hand stitching on that gorgeous pillow needless to say it found a new home i brought the bunting i made from vintage fabric strips for clover s birthday party to spruce up our little space it went so well with the pillows and rag bracelets speaking of which angelina and i did a trade and i love my rag bracelet clover and finn brandishing their own crafty scores of the day purchased from a neighboring vendor the galactic gift boxes were quite popular with the gentlemen as it turns out in fact they seemed to gravitate toward them harhar girls were into them too but not as without fail as the boys that wandered by which was interesting and even a bit comical after awhile that s our friend nick above deciding which ones he would be taking home as first time craft fair vendors we had a fun time playing shop and even sold a bit of everything i was able to turn my fifty cent garage sale book purchase into about 50 bucks and i really liked how the boxes turned out it was a good learning experience for us too as friends who happen to be very aesthetically in tune angelina and i sometimes fantasize about the idea of having our own handmade and vintage shop to thoughtfully curate together sigh in other crafty news i ve been into making hand knit washcloths as gifts for awhile now i ve used this basic pattern and played around with different colors and using knits and purls to add bumpy little designs they re easy quick fun to make and useful too my current project as of yesterday is one of these hand knit dishcloths inspired by vintage tea towels lovely no are you getting crafty this holiday season i d love to hear what you re working on looking forward to seeing our niece fiona dance multiple roles tonight in a full length production of the nutcracker ballet you know who is so excited posted by missa 13 comments labels crafty friends and family older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me missa just a thrift lovin mama livin the sweet life view my complete profile 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