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Text of the page (random words):
o talk a bit about the anxiety i have been experiencing lately most of those i know who have transitioned have described similar incidents so i don t think i am alone in this this whole transition triggers so much anxiety at times that its hard to describe it all in terms others would understand it s weird i have no problem going to work i have no problem going to my internship i do those every day without flinching i attend all my meetings at work without issue if i am asked to do things or attend events with people who know i am transitioning i can go no problem it s everything else that s eating at me and making me start to become very reclusive in my rl as i look in the mirror each day i am starting to notice subtle changes i am finally able to notice my hips and butt starting to develop more since starting injections my breasts continue to develop and are almost to the point where they will be impossible to hide i see more shifts in my face particularly as my eyes and cheeks begin to change and my hair the one thing everyone notices is almost to the point where i can pull it back into a ponytail what does this mean lots of questions and they are typically being asked in settings where i don t feel comfortable talking about it and or with others around who i don t think have any need to know that i am transitioning so what have i done i have started to withdraw in rl i don t go out much anymore i have this bubble of safety in my home where no one can bother me and my dog will help protect me my social life is carried on primarily through texting or phone calls with those closest to me in rl and through the digital window called second life where i typically feel very safe secure and dare i say even confident in myself does this anxiety and fear impact my decision to transition at all hell no i am doing what i need to do i won t stop but i had shared in a previous post about how transitioning is not glamorous or easy as some people try to make it out to be i can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is scary as hell and very isolating at times at least at this point in the journey i shared these feelings last night for the first time with a friend as an intense sense of loneliness has crept into my life recently that s not something i have felt in a long time having said that let me say that i feel lonely not alone i know i have not been forgotten or abandoned i just feel like i am alone on some island at times i know some of what is driving that feeling is my fear and anxiety i know some of it is my own doing as well i can also tell you that some of it is because of this while some people will always stand by you i have witnessed some who slowly disappear into the shadows as they begin to notice the physical changes its one of those realities i am having to learn to accept its in times like these you discover who your true friends are why do i share this today partly to get it out there in the open and out of my head as that it is only making it worse i am also putting it out there because as i am experiencing some of this anxiety i am noticing that it is impacting how i react with others in sl too the one place i should have no fear of being me i occasionally find that fear creeping in but then again i have always said our real life traits do trickle over to sl no matter how much we try to deny it if i get quiet and don t reach out to you as much please don t take it personally because it is not personal sometimes its hard to talk about all that s in my head and so avoidance can be easier even though it isn t healthy but also don t be afraid to reach out to me as well i take full accountability for my own actions or lack there of in not reaching out to others as much as i could should its been easier to hide behind the lens of a camera in sl and to try to block those feelings out than to admit them and confront them so if you don t hear from me please know i am not ignoring you and i have not forgotten about you i am just feeling very overwhelmed these days with my emotions and where things are for me mentally i would still love to hear from you because i do cherish each of you and all of your support author tiffany parkin posted on august 12 2018 2 comments on checking in silence can be deafening the past couple of weeks have been rough emotionally there has been a lot of waiting to hear from people both on personal issues and professional issues throw in some disappointing news professionally and i admit it has been really hard to talk or write about what s going on in my head this has been the first major series of events that have occurred since my estrogen levels finally hit their target talk about a whole new emotional response two weeks ago today i sent a letter to my sister in law disclosing my transition i shared the letter with my sister before i sent it and she said it was one of the most heartfelt letters she had ever read not only did i disclose my being transgender in the letter but i also shared my previous mental health history and much of what i struggled with in my life and how important she and the kids and relationship with them are to me i acknowledged that i knew this would not be easy for her and that while i hoped she wouldn t reject me i would respect her wishes if she did i also included an faq of the 10 most common questions i am asked by people when i disclose i sent it two weeks ago and my sister in law received it the next day i had sent it overnight mail due to the family wedding i wrote about before she needed the information prior to the wedding so that neither she nor the kids were blindsided by some stray comment from one of my disapproving aunts or uncles so i mailed it with my hands literally shaking as i worked with the postal clerk to get it shipped overnight and her response nothing when i say there has been no response i mean no response she has not attempted to contact me in any way over the weekend of the wedding my sister tried to talk with her about it all to get a read on where my sister in law was my sister in law refused to acknowledge me at all in their conversations she wouldn t say my name nothing when my sister finally filled me on wednesday we both acknowledged that my sister in law may still be process the news i obviously dropped a bomb on her i directly challenged her view of many things in the world and many of her moral beliefs in that letter i know reading it must have been incredibly hard for her and i do not in any way want to take away from any struggles she is having in getting that news about me the wait is killing me though my sister and i both believe her silence and failure to acknowledge me in discussions with others as a rejection of me we do that not out of speculation but because that is her patterns of behavior when confronted with controversial topics i am trying as many of you have suggested to give her the benefit of the doubt i also acknowledge that if she is rejecting me now as my sister and i believe she may come around as the dust settles from my announcement that is pretty much what i am hoping for at this point one thing i have learned in life and especially in my counseling program and internship is that silence often speaks louder than words silence can speak both love and support as well as rejection and hate the key for me right now is to accept this silence what it means and make sure i take care of myself through this author tiffany parkin posted on july 9 2018 leave a comment on silence can be deafening the family wedding its been an interesting seven days for me there have been some incredible highs this week there has been a fair amount of anxiety there has also been sadness anger and frustration one thing i really do love about this journey is i am much more cognizant of my emotions now than i used to be i also allow myself to experience and process the emotions in healthier ways sometimes it can be difficult to talk about them but that has become much easier for me as well i ll get to the highs and anxieties in another post right now i want to discuss the sadness anger and frustration if you have followed this blog or my facebook page you know that in early april some members of my family rejected me some aunts and uncles on mom s side decided that my transitioning to live a healthier and happier life was wrong for whatever reasons they had the beliefs of one aunt and uncle were so stronger i was told i was not to attend the wedding of one of my favorite cousins when i met with this aunt and uncle to discuss my transition i was told that my transitioning was going against god s will i was told i was too unique to be at the wedding which i interpreted to mean these family members saw me as a freak my uncle even went so far as to say he felt i was trying to use his daughter s wedding as a coming out party i was also told that my transitioning was the same as someone who chooses to abuse drugs and or alcohol this event with my family was the first time i had been rejected and i admit it hit me pretty hard since that happened i have done better i have still been hurt and all with what my family said to me but i decided i was not going to allow that to cause me to love them less i reminded myself i can be angry with them and hurt by them and still love them i reminded myself that their actions define them their actions do not define me my response to them is what defines me so i was doing well with all of this until this weekend why was i doing better until this weekend well the wedding occurred last night for the past week on my real life facebook page i have seen post after post from family members talking about how they were so excited to have the whole family together to celebrate the wedding well guess what the whole family wasn t there and its not like a wedding i missed in 2016 because of a snow storm i was blatantly told not to attend the wedding i never received an invitation i was told i was unwelcome at the wedding because i am unique much of the sadness anger and frustration has returned over the past few days i admit that last night i sat on my sofa and hoped that my aunt and uncle at some point during the course of the wedding thought about how poorly they treated me i hoped that their actions somehow impacted them on this day of celebration by reminding them that after all the years of telling me i needed to do what i needed to do to be healthy and happy they rejected me and told me i was not welcome after i have started down the path that has me healthier and happier than ever before i don t regret these feelings i didn t want my cousin to think about it i didn t want anything to ruin the wedding i just wanted my aunt and uncle to remember that for all their talk of love and acceptance they made a choice to not act as they speak i don t know maybe that desire is wrong maybe not all i know is its what i felt i still love this aunt and uncle i don t like their choices lately but i still love them as much as i disagree with their choice to exclude me i did make sure to respect it and all the other things they asked of me that had to do with my cousin and the wedding i ve had no contact with my cousin since disclosing to her at my uncle s request i wonder if they even told me cousin they told me not to attend or if they lied to her and told her i had rsvp ed that i couldn t be there i ll probably never know the truth but then again i am not the one who has to live with making that choice whichever it was the good thing is i know i will be ok that has a lot to do with all of you who support me and encourage me to be me every day i know it is just who all of you are but that acceptance and love of me as me you have no idea how much it lifts me up every day thank you all author tiffany parkin posted on july 1 2018 2 comments on the family wedding emerging from the shadows normally when i write a post at least for this blog i write the post and then look for a picture that suits what i am writing about this post i took a picture and realized what it symbolized and that drove my writing today let me start out saying that this week has just been a hard week there are three big things happening for me first i sent a letter to my sister in law telling her i was transitioning second i am calling my step father tonight or tomorrow to let him know i m transitioning third this weekend is the big family wedding that i was uninvited from and basically told i wasn t welcome there it has made for a week of high anxiety for me i was exhausted yesterday thanks to work i had been up for 26 straight hours monday and only slept like three hours during the day on tuesday obviously that left me with a splitting headache and i wasn t feeling very social it also magnified my anxiety and emotional response to everything i don t isolate often especially in second life but i did yesterday i buried myself in my photography as i tried to work on a few posts for my other blog i was struggling significantly to get pictures i was happy with so i just set aside the items i needed to write about and decided to work on any other kind of picture something just for me something i could just play with to occupy my mind and distract myself i let feeling guide me through most of the picture everything from the pose to the lighting to the editing no thoughts just instinct really i finally reached a stopping point and i looked at the picture i just sat there and stared at it for a moment do i think it was the best picture i have ever worked on no not at all but i do believe it is one of the most symbolic pictures i have ever done the final result is what you see in this post so much of my life i ve stayed in the shadows sure i socialized and made friends and took part in activities but i never let anyone get close enough to know me i never had let the true me out until last year when i started disclosing i kept who i really am hidden from everyone due to the fear of rejection judgement on something that in no way defines me as a person and fear of persecution as i have started to come out of the shadows in real life i am finding a new me that i never knew and i love her more than i thought was possible when i am around those who know i am transitioning and have accepted me i am much more relaxed and natural my hands don t shake i don t get the nervous foot tap i have been known for all these years i get to be me without fear of judgement ridicule or rejection i am falling in love with the person who is coming out of me and i believe it is making me a better friend family member and human being hiding in the shadows left me feeling exhausted all the time and questioning my personal values because i lived a lie for so much of my life as i come out of the shadows and really discover myself through this process i have to confront every fear and i anxiety i have ever had its scary at times especially when we face possible rejection i find myself ofte...