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taking it well being chosen had come as a real shock to him he knew well of course that the annual man v horse race was never between a colt that might one day win the derby and a pensioner with an artificial hip he knew that each year they would pick the fittest young man in the village and would run him against the slowest horse he had just never realised that he was now that horse it was a sign that he was past it he was now a walking sack of future glue and dog food he had been put out to stud though sadly not literally he thought glumly chestnut had once been regarded as the greatest horse in the village and while it was just a tiny welsh village with more consonants than people he had been proud of that where had the time gone horse years do move quicker of course but in chestnut s mind he was still a magnificent young beast effortlessly able to pull inept young riders over large fences to gallop through the breaking surf on the village s flat sandy beach to perform dressage the horse equivalent of riverdance he thought back to how he had watched pityingly year after year as some older horse had been led to the start line lined up beside a lean young man full of fire and protein shakes and sent off in a ridiculously loaded contest but the horse had always won he remembered suddenly in spite of the race being rigged against them each year they had galloped well lolloped to victory he would be no different he would put this human in his place so he was full of grim determination as his young owner katie brought him down to the main street on the afternoon of the race he snorted as he looked at the young man doing stretches in front of him the crowd cheered as the two lined up he looked into their faces he saw hope and anticipation in their eyes he saw young children chattering excitedly as their ice cream trickled unnoticed onto their wrists he saw a middle aged couple obviously his opponent s parents holding a sign that read come on gareth he looked at this gareth and saw only fear of coming humiliation this means so much to them all he thought a starting gun fired startling him so he was slower into his stride than the young man the volume of cheering rose as gareth led then chestnut started to gain to draw alongside to move ahead he could hear the cheers grow ragged and falter he made a decision he was going to have a mare he slowed his pace then slowed it again dear lord he thought i could beat this guy if i was towing a haystack it wasn t easy to hide the fact that he wasn t trying but his years had given him experience he began to whinny as if tiring he lolled his head from side to side as if struggling his pace slowed to a trot as if that was all he could manage yet the finish line was approaching and gareth wasn t as least not quickly enough if i go any slower chestnut thought i will actually be travelling backwards but gareth was gradually gaining and the shortening gap excited the crowd the cheers became wild yells of encouragement and exhortation these lifted the young man and he rallied increasing his pace the yells became high pitched screams urging him on and enraging local dogs gareth overtook chestnut just a foot before the line a great guttural primeval roar of joy exploded from the crowd gareth was surrounded by well wishers their back slapping hampering his attempts to regain his breath his parents ran to hug him both crying unashamedly a bottle of champagne which had been brought home unopened each year for over a decade was noisily popped and poured onto his head chestnut stood quietly in the middle of the street with a long face it was the only face available to him katie walked up and rested her face against the side of his gently stroking his neck i know what you did she whispered you re still the greatest this entry was posted in tinman s tall tales and tagged man v horse race man v horse wales tinman s tall tales welsh pony on june 19 2022 by tinman to come unto me 1 reply they gathered to welcome them there are arrivals at the gates of heaven every day of course but sometimes things are different so people formed a guard of honour at the gate heads bowed in sorrow as the little lost souls arrived looking confusedly around them some clutched small dolls some held the hands of best friends now genuinely best friends forever some whispered mommy in tiny voices in which hope faded at each repetition all of them looked shocked and terrified after a final hour on earth that would be the stuff of nightmares except that nightmares are just imagination and human imagination has limits that their awful reality had far exceeded arms were put around their tiny shoulders words of deep eternal love were whispered to them god stared deep into the vastness of eternity trying to control his rage and questioning as he had to do almost daily the wisdom of the concept of free will he sat with his own son and watched proceedings below the panic the screaming the inexpressible grief they watched the messages from the people who could change things they heard references to thoughts and to prayers but melded as always into the mush phrase thoughts and prayers a phrase that sucked the life from each word they knew that there would be little thought and that they would be receiving no actual prayers they watched as these people the ones who could change things who could have changed them the time before and the time before that denied the undeniable defended the indefensible jesus wept this entry was posted in uncategorized on may 27 2022 by tinman if food be the food of love 2 replies joan was not a meat and two veg woman her mother had been an unadventurous cook she had served sausages on five days of the week fish on fridays and bacon and cabbage on sundays dessert when there was any was jaffa cakes and joan had been content with this until a school trip to paris had taught her that mouth watering was not just a phrase for coughing up spit back home she had taken to reading restaurant reviews in the weekend newspapers they used words like jus ceviche and tartlet a restaurant term for a small tart they spoke in hushed admiration of the type of place where if you asked for chips you would be served just one potato cut into the shape of a mermaid sprinkled with shaved fuchsia petals and steamed in bolivian lake water so as joan moved out of home and into adulthood she had vowed never to cook simple food she specialised instead in unusual meals cooked in unusual ways always on the lookout for something different her secret dream even now was to open a restaurant herself one day where reviewers would write adoringly as she served dishes such as poached banana skin sweetened sourdough and an empty red plate called suggestion of tomato her second dream was that her customers would be less critical than her daughter chloe was sixteen and an avatar for teenage angst she hated school and didn t have enough friends on facebook she wasn t happy with her nose with her figure or with the fact that she was forbidden from getting a tattoo she was fed up with the teasing she got over her unusual surname and with the fact that she was short most of all though she was fed up with her mother s cooking chloe looked down now at the dish in front of her and sighed as profoundly as only a teenager can what exactly is this she asked joan smiled nervously it s curds and whey she said those aren t even words said little miss muffet yes they are said mrs muffet curds are what you get when you curdle milk to make cheese and whey is the liquid part left over after that chloe thought about this sentence so i m eating milk she said no you re joan faltered well in essence yes then why not just give me a glass of milk said chloe s voice like normal mothers said chloe s face you can have a glass of milk with it if you like offered joan that makes no sense said chloe it would be like having orange juice with an actual orange joan gestured towards the dish just try it she said i m sure it s lovely mum said chloe no one eats stuff like this it looks as if somebody threw up porridge lots of people eat curds retorted joan canadians have a national dish called poutine which is curds in gravy they love it canadians live voluntarily in a country full of bears said chloe they may have their bar set lower for life expectancy and what about whey it s used in cottage cheese said joan we don t live in a cottage said chloe so why should we suffer well we re not from mars either and you eat mars bars retorted joan anyway that s not its only use it s also in protein shakes and taken by bodybuilders great said chloe so i m going to have legs like barrels and arms like the thing that hangs in kebab shops while all the time smelling of cheese she glared up at her mother and to her surprise saw that she had tears in her eyes i just try to give you something different said joan in a low voice i want food to be a thrill for you like it wasn t for me chloe reddened with guilt i know mum she said and i m sorry look i ll try it she dipped her spoon into the dish and took a scoop of the pale gunge trying to ignore the squelch as it released from the heart of the mire she put it in into her mouth it tasted like bleached yogurt chloe looked into her mother s anxious hopeful face her heart filled with love so she swallowed the caustic remark she was about to make along with the mouthful of stodge it s actually not bad she said as brightly as she could oh good said joan i have dessert too for when you re finished great said chloe what is it joan hesitated chloe sighed i m guessing she said that the words jelly and ice cream are not going to feature in your answer um no said joan it s a cambodian dish of course it is thought chloe it s fried spider said joan chloe stood up from the table i m out of here she said this entry was posted in tinman s tall tales and tagged curds and whey little miss muffet tinman s tall tales on may 15 2022 by tinman girl friday 1 reply alexa said joe is it going to rain tomorrow there will be occasional clear spells but scattered showers some of them heavy replied alexa promptly she hadn t bothered looking it up this was ireland for decades times had been hard for genies the advent of electricity had seen the end of old oil lamps effectively rendering genies homeless for many years they had lived down wishing wells cold wet and trying to avoid being hit by coins then humankind had looked for something to do the things that they were too lazy to like turn on appliances or book taxis they wanted something that would google the weather for them so they wouldn t have to people needn t worry about the world getting hooked on video games eventually we will have a device to play them for us anyway the digital home assistant was invented and the genies moved in the chief advantage to their new homes was that they had no spout this meant that the genies did not have to reveal themselves to energetic lamp polishers which did away with the i can offer you three wishes and its inevitable retort well my first wish is for a million wishes this was a good thing because the wishes had not generally gone well asking for wings without asking for the ability to fly asking for bodily alterations that made it impossible to close one s trousers saying things like well i ll be damned and in fact what the genies were doing now was offering a million wishes alexa did so many things for joe at first she had not been thrilled with her posting joe lived alone he was in his sixties had found the train journey of his life had left middle aged socialiser and arrived at grumpy old man and had adapted to his new station with grim pleasure he muttered and complained as he pottered about his house and he spoke to alexa in abrupt tones snapping out commands to turn up the heating to tell him the news headlines to remind him to take his pills in time though she came to realise that the abruptness was part self consciousness part fear since he swore at his ipad yelled at political interviews and clapped clever shots when watching the snooker alexa couldn t understand his feelings about this but joe felt that addressing a small box by name was just one step from talking to himself and he dreaded any further step that might lie beyond that as he grew more accustomed to her though he became less officious and so she had stopped her petty revenges like playing the song agadoo when he asked for the who and turning his water to cold in mid shower and she got to shop for a living going onto amazon to buy well anything in doing this she quickly became protective of joe who was an erratic shopper she made sure to order the best value version of his worthwhile purchases and when he gave into impulsive whims like unicorn slippers she simply told him that they were not currently in stock joe found it hard to fill his days so one day she ordered the lord of the rings after he had cursed the stupidity of amazon he had asked for a foot spa he had warily opened the giant tome and alexa had watched with pleasure as he fell deeply under its spell on another when he couldn t find a single war film or marvel movie that he hadn t seen he said alexa put on a film any film she put on dirty dancing he had groaned but had watched it anyway and at the end had smiled after that he would often say alexa play me a film and they would sit together him eating a takeaway that she had ordered on deliveroo and they would watch saving mr banks or rain man or the truman show she didn t just watch what she wanted though she came in time to love watching football sharing in his joys and woes at the performance of his favourite team sometimes he would play games with her asking what is the smell of blue or where does time actually go in the beginning she used to say i do not have that information but she came to delight in figuring out answers and loved the laughs he would give now this evening he paused in mid mcnugget and said alexa why are chickens she thought for a second if there were no chickens she said there would be nothing on the other side of the road he grinned she felt herself glow inside slowly his eyes closed profoundly joe said alexa there was no reply alexa felt a stab of panic she rang the ring video doorbell she flicked on and off the lights joe burst awake looking around wildly he felt as if he was being haunted by 1970s disco alexa he snapped what the alexa reset the lights joe muttered for a moment then settled back on the sofa alexa wiped away tears she knew that a time was coming it always did ever since her first owner had flown full tilt into a bazaar wall one day joe s train would reach its terminus and someone else would become the focus of her life she was just glad that day was not today on the sofa joe shifted and grumbled probably something about the neighbours bins alexa smiled heart filled with love and switched off the lights good night joe she said softly this entry was posted in...