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Text of the page (random words):
ries will spark a chain reaction self propagating into more and more forgotten memories to reflect upon and enjoy accompanied with the oh my gosh i had completely forgotten about when so and so did such and such now stop reading and think for a moment about what it would be like what it would really be like not to have those memories are you reflecting now you may continue i recently made a startling and frankly traumatic discovery resulting in the time of this post see that somehow in focusing on trying to fix the issues that todd has had since the stroke the ones that affect his day to day living here and now i missed the fact that todd s garden of memories has been laid fallow nuked with the industrial strength herbicide of brain injury i don t feel like horrifying is too strong a word to describe it i first began to realize it when we recently discussed his class work i was curious to know how he felt about his ability to learn since the stroke what difference he felt in relearning old concepts versus learning things that were completely new to him i was somewhat startled when he said that they were both equally difficult and both more difficult than before it was then that i began to understand just how empty his memory is i supposed i had had clues before now little things here and there more a source for light hearted teasing than something to be concerned about or so i thought like needing assistance coming up with oliver s age they do grow up so fast don t they or how lone we ve been married it seems like it s been forever or repeatedly telling him about what happened while he was in the hospital or what it was like just after he came home he d had a traumatic brain injury and slept for a month straight who would remember but it is becoming clear that it s so much more than that he doesn t remember important times in his life like graduating all three times or our lives together like the day oliver was born being sealed as a family or being married he doesn t remember meeting me there are snippets here and there fractions of memories associated with the whole but not much on their own a red couch a familiar name a car pictures can trigger pieces of memory jog recollection here and there but still in bits and pieces then again they also remind him and me how very much he has lost we all look with wonder and joy at todd 2 0 as his brother brett has coined it and see how he has changed so dramatically and in many ways for the better but it isn t any wonder he has also lost memories of the negative or painful things that shaped that former person and shaped our relationship like my losing our long desired baby to miscarriage on christmas eve the year we lived with his parents that must have been a bad christmas wait we lived with my parents our failed ivf cycle what is ivf his grandpa s funeral the bad experience of his mission his parent s divorce while this is an opportunity for todd to essentially start his life over as the person he wants to be and we both think of that as a good thing it does raise more questions will it come back can it come back how much when will he remember experiences he is having and information he is learning now down the road it is necessary to experience pain and sorrow to appreciate the happiness and joy and sometimes the pain is so unbearable that we wish we could just forget it but if it came at the cost of forgetting everything would you make that deal posted by amelia at 5 29 2010 03 36 00 am 2 comments saturday february 27 2010 yesterday was a great day to catch you up todd is still working at deseret industries and going to school at salt lake community college doing their media design certificate through the applied technology college portion of the school it s been difficult for him at times but he s done it completely on his own he is doing his school work at home with his teacher s permission and has kept up with his work and works at it every day i m really really proud of his dedication and follow through he is still very much struggling with fatigue and his vision trouble he has an appointment with moran eye center in march to see if there is anything else he can do to improve his vision he still has trouble looking down and has gotten lazy about using his eyes because it is so difficult he will just feel around for something that fell for example he also complains about his eyes going blurry and when reading that the words on the page don t stay still the fatigue has been addressed by his psychiatrist multiple times and we have tried everything from getting more sleep to not using his cpap consistently to just pushing through to homeopathic medicine and herbal supplements to drinking caffeine to taking high dose caffeine tablets to the latest amphetamines they started him on a low dose a pediatric dose actually which did nothing at all then they upped it to the maximum dose which wasn t that much higher than the pediatric dose scarily it is a medication that is similar to ritalin the dr got the idea when todd was talking about medications he s been on in the past and had tried ritalin for what we thought was adhd and his reaction to it wired he s been on the high dose for a few days now to be honest i was half hoping it wouldn t do anything not because i don t want him to feel right but because dude it s amphetamines it s real drugs serious stuff with serious potential side effects it made him jittery but initially said it didn t seem to be doing anything for his fatigue until yesterday fridays are our saturdays since todd has the day off it was really nice weather so todd decided to spend some time out in the yard doing some work that has been on his mind including poop scooping and raking up leaves that fell through the winter oliver wanted to go outside too so we spent the afternoon as a family out in the yard todd and i worked on tidying up while oliver ran around and played with the dogs and found pine cones oliver got tired and hungry so he and i came in todd kept working and moved on to demolition of some old fencing that was left by the previous owners he got out the power tools and everything i kept reminding him not to over do it and wear himself out but he said he felt fine when he started to lose his light he came inside and started working in the garage we still have tons of stuff out there that never got moved in when we moved here and he s had the goal since he came home from the hospital to be able to park both cars in the garage we are borrowing one from todd s grandma drexl since todd is unable to drive his scooter anymore he made some major headway yesterday when we were getting ready for bed i told him how proud i was of him for all he accomplished that day he was proud too and said that he went back out into the garage a couple times just to look at his work it s funny i do that too and then he said words i ve been wanting to hear for almost 2 years today i felt normal i about started crying right there it s been so hard to have him so tired all the time not in the least because i see how hard it is on him we have had some really great discussions lately about the reason for this trial he s coming to see that his stroke was not punishment for something and that we have received a lot of blessings in this trial he s starting to see the positive things that have come from this experience and the things he and we as a couple and a family have learned i ve maintained from the beginning that this experience is necessary to teach something that either he or we couldn t have learned any other way i m not one to put words in god s mouth but something hit me last night with the force of personal revelation i had the thought that considering his high blood pressure stress load and family history that a heart attack was almost inevitable and perhaps he wouldn t have lived to tell the tale like he did with a stroke perhaps the experience we are looking at as a trial was actually protection and perhaps the residual effects he is experiencing now especially the visual trouble which i believe will never be fully resolved are there to serve as a reminder of the things he s learned to slow down to be more patient and understanding to pick his battles to enjoy the present to have and show gratitude i can honestly say that i am grateful for the things i ve learned from this experience and if this is what i had to experience to learn these things then so be it i wouldn t have chosen this but there is so much in my life to be grateful for i have a family who i adore i have a warm roof over my head food to eat cars to get us where we need to go i have an amazing husband who adores me i have a sweet amazing son who brightens my day and keeps me on my toes and teaches me so much and gives meaning to my life in the words of one of my current favorite singers paolo nutin i got a sheet for my bed and a pillow for my head i got a pencil full of lead and some water for my throat i ve got buttons for my coat and sails on my boat so much more than i needed before truly we are blessed beyond measure posted by amelia at 2 27 2010 09 59 00 am 3 comments wednesday september 2 2009 your prayers are needed the disability management company who pays out on todd s claim is getting ready to do another review this entails reviewing notes from doctors todd is seeing paperwork completed by us phone conversations i ve had with his case manager his rtw return to work plans and any earnings he s made i m always nervous nay terrified when they do a review that they are going to suddenly decide that he s fine and kick us off disability with no warning even though his case manager has reassured me that they won t do that but her job is to look out for the company not her clients as much as they both may claim otherwise or maybe it s just my inherited paranoia of the system idk i believe this will be the one year review in which they determine whether or not todd is able to return to his former career path with less than 40 pay loss which at this point he is not what makes me nervous is that he s not regularly seeing a doctor any more other than the psychiatrist who is managing his psychiatric medications all the other doctors and therapists have released him to be contacted again on an as needed basis and thankfully they haven t really been needed except that it s going to look on paper as though he s back to his former self which while he continues to make great strides is not the case at this point what keeps him from working full time are first his fatigue and second his sensory reception if he still had his old job to go back to he could maybe go back if they were very willing to work with him on his schedule and make adaptive changes to his working environment like allow him to arrive at work at a later time take a 2 3 hour lunch so he could rest give him an office so that ambient noise wouldn t be such a problem and allow him to gradually build up to being back full time but he doesn t have that job and trying to find a job in this economy is hard enough without going into it with special circumstances like that perhaps what i ll do is have him make some appointments with his doctors just so that they have up to date opinions of his condition and deficits while it won t be cheap it s probably a better alternative than leaving it to chance and getting kicked off disability cause getting kicked off disability now would not be a good thing at all while todd is working making minimum wage 16 hrs a week wouldn t pay the bills and while oliver will be starting school i m still his much needed primary care person and day care for a kid with special needs would probably cost about what i could earn not to mention that i don t have the earning potential needed to pay our house payment even in the best of circumstances the other thing that we need your prayers on is our insurance situation we are currently on cobra and while the disability plan and the government have combined to make it affordable to us can you believe it i used cobra and affordable in the same sentence there s a win for you obama you can only stay on cobra for so long and i believe our coverage will end in jan or feb and i don t know what we are going to do then because of todd s and oliver s preexisting conditions i don t know if they are insurable through a private policy and they are the ones who really need it the cost of todd s medications alone without insurance would bankrupt us in a matter of weeks not to mention that fall and winter are coming bringing with them the colds and bugs that can cause er visits for oliver i m waiting to hear from oliver s teacher to find out how many hours a day he ll be in school so that i can look into finding a job that won t take me away from him too much and will provide insurance if anyone know of something please let me know he ll be in school mon thurs mornings but that s about all i know posted by amelia at 9 02 2009 08 26 00 am 6 comments wednesday august 26 2009 first day of school after a breakfast of smoked sausage eggs and wheat toast and with sack lunch in hand todd was off for his first day of school but first he has to put in his time at work which means that today is his first day back to 8 00 5 00 since his stroke we are cautiously optimistic he is entering the visual media program through slcc formerly the applied technical college we don t have many details yet of how the program is run if it s a go at your own pace thing as has been described or if it s more like a standard 2 year degree we ll know more this afternoon he chose this program after much thought and prayer on both our parts and we are betting against the odds here his doctors have told him that because of the nature of his brain injuries his mind doesn t work the same as it used to and in his case it affects his ability to think creatively that s the short version and that he will probably not be able to be successful at his old job i on the other hand being no expert in the brain as they are imagine that it could prove to be very good for him to get back to what he did before and that in relearning his former skill set that new pathways can be established prompting further healing and feeling that much closer to normal i suppose only time will tell but your prayers in his behalf would be much appreciated as to working they moved his hours to all mornings starting at 8 30 or it might be 8 00 he couldn t remember i advised him to assume this morning it was 8 30 in order to get that little bit of extra much needed sleep and take the it easier to get forgiveness than permission approach and be on time from here on out the great thing about this program run through the lds church is that their goal is the same as ours for todd to be able to support his family therefore they have told him that he only has to work a minimum of 8 hours week to remain in the program as todd said we re not married to the money h...