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race i was a fill in and hadn t trained for that particular race i was the only non white guy on the track and i unceremoniously petered out i began to think that i had shamed my race i mean all brothers are supposed to be good runners right and what about the pilipino cornbread guy from the cafeteria was he watching did i shame him did i shame all non white people that day by quitting by saying simply that s it i m not running in your race the ramifications of the race began to weigh heavily upon me later that evening in the dining room i didn t see the pilipino guy but i had cornbread anyway as david and i walked about the hotel i heard cat calls in the distance hey you sag when you run the trees surrounding our hotel had much more wind than i did don t listen to them david said just pray those other teams had teams of 10 20 dave and i were from the smallest school in the area david was to run the mile and he stayed quiet until morning i watched as dave warmed up on the track he stretched on the ground literally doing the splits the runners took their positions and waited for the gun to sound perhaps he had a chance to win it i began to pray all the other schools had gotten a medal except ours dave was our last hope the gun sounded and dave was in the middle of the pack come on dave i thought to myself dave began to pick up the pace with 2 laps to go unlike my performance he seemed to get stronger in his stride he looked as though he was running not merely a race but running for god as an offering of his best as i watched it seemed that dave was running for all the little schools running for all the folks not blessed with outstanding athletic ability with one lap to go dave was in 4th place come on dave he came down the stretch in a cluster of adolescent bodies his legs burning it wasn t enough he was edged out of third by a boy from one of the big schools the crowd cheered as the competitors walked and caught their breath the following morning dave and i took the bus home we were a team of 2 from a tiny school dave was soft spoken never bragged we didn t discuss the race or the meet during the ride home dave looked out the bus window taken by another bout of spiritual mumbling as the trees sagged in the passing wind he seemed to know that god had another day for him that there were more important races for him to run and as for me running was never really my forté but we both represented agapé school in orlando florida and in case you don t know it agapé means god s love and running across these pages this story is written with a little of it c 2025 tony robles posted on october 15 2024 from the shoulders from the throat a love letter to uncle anthony hey ant it was a familiar cry a grito from a voice that moved from the pit of the heart up into the throat and cried out across the landscapes of my life no matter where i moved hawaii florida north carolina a voice rising from the streets of my hometown san francisco that would eventually find me it was a voice both tender and jarring a forever voice that lived in my ears ant the abbreviated version of a name i shared with another as well as with a particular species of insect there were 2 ants a big one and a little one the big one big ant was everything i wasn t he was fearless and had a voice that could ramble off words like a card dealer deals cards i on the other hand was riddled with fear fear of the other kids at school fear of girls fear of teachers fear of my own imagination which i imagined held nothing but bad scenarios missteps and misfires that i felt brought shame to the name i shared with big ant my uncle anthony much of my fear was directed towards my father uncle anthony big ant was his younger brother by 2 years uncle anthony had endless stories of my father that he was a legend in his fillmore district neighborhood for his ability to fight big ant said that had my father been guided by a boxing trainer someone like angelo dundee or ray arcel there s no telling how far he might have gone in the world of pugilism your daddy was a warrior like roberto duran he d say in the neighborhood they came up in uncle ant says that my father was a warrior a big fish in a big pond uncle ant too was a warrior he d tell me about the gang he was part of in the early days the 1950 s he called it the day of the gladiator with neighborhood gangs such as the monarchs roman gents centurions war demons etc i would listen to his stories firsthand accounts of people and places that lent a sort of royalty to the bloodline that i was a part of but never experienced firsthand big ant would tell me about the gang fights who he knocked out who my dad knocked out the stories were always tempered with irony and humor and sound effects my favorite being bing bing bingbing bing with my uncle demonstrating the punch or flashy combinations of punches he employed to lay out some big guy on the street or in a liquor store or some other locale the guy laid out on his ass was usually a big guy a big black guy or a big white guy or a big brown guy a samoan perhaps as lore has it with my uncle landing a picture perfect right hand to the jaw of one of these island brethren after being bumped into at a cultural festival in san francisco circa 1975 always in excess of 6 feet in height and 200 plus pounds the bing bing bings were like firecrackers somehow hearing bing bing bing made me feel powerful as if the firecrackers were my own fists lighting up some kind of opponent or at the very least my imagination he told me these stories many times and i would pretend i was hearing it for the first time it made me feel strong that i was part of a warrior pedigree or tradition that gave me a modicum of comfort despite my fearful disposition i recall a recurring dream i had growing up i would be fighting someone i would evade all the punches coming at me from every direction ducking and leaning back from the punches like muhammad ali or sugar ray leonard but when it was time for me to throw a punch in return my arms were heavy like lead i could not lift them i would wake with my uncle s voice in my ears bing bing bing uncle ant drank and he loved music especially smokey robinson and the miracles he would recite lyrics to songs sometimes pretending that he d made them up personally unaware that i had heard the same songs as they churned out on my father s turntable at home once i visited uncle ant he had smokey robinson on the turntable smokey s voice swirled like smoke from the ashes of the aqua blue glass ashtray on the coffee table we sipped e j brandy uncle anthony singing to the sound of smokey s voice hitting high notes and low notes i sat and watched as he sang the highs and lows a vocalization of the ups and downs i was sure to face in my life those songs were stories and uncle ant had storytelling in his blood sweetness was only heartache camouflaged the love i saw in you was just a mirage his voice was fearless his gestures fearless his love big ant was there at the most significant moments of my life when my son was born he was there there i was nervous about going to the hospital to see m y child and the woman who was the mother of my child a woman i did not love it was a moment where i felt both fulfillment and a void my uncle was there to hold my hand so to speak and walked me to the hospital where i saw my son for the first time the hospital where i ironically was born to a young mother and young father who was a legend with his fists but now had to support a young child and wife by working as a short order cook in a hotel on nob hill that was 1964 ant hey ant uncle anthony was forthcoming with his love i could even say his love was a fearless one it was through him that i became proud of what i was filipino and black or black and filipino hey you black brown afro filipino negro he d say to me as he opened the door to the flat he lived at on 851 balboa street he lived there with grandma and a black pit bull named rj that seemed to only mind grandma especially when she scolded him she would leave the house on the way to shopping or church locking the padlock to her bedroom door aw come on ma uncle anthony would say you don t need to lock the door never mind me kid she d say before leaving just behave yourself i would arrive and a ritual would begin one of his favorite songs was a 70 s hit by joe bataan who was known as the king of latin soul it was assumed that bataan was puerto rican since his music fused salsa and rhythm and blues unbeknownst to many fans bataan was of filipino and african american heritage he released a song called ordinary guy afro filipino an album whose title track was an anthem to an ordinary guy who was half black half filipino upon my visits to big ant he would take that record from its sleeve holding it gently by the edges laying the needle on the vinyl and serenading me singing with the record ordinary ordinary guy afro filipino average sort of guy that s what i am an ordinary man you left behind i would sit through this performance many times embarrassed ashamed of what as i saw it i didn t feel worthy of such a serenade of such a ritual of elation the heart and soul and rhythm of joe bataan s song seemed to fit big ant more than me it captured who big ant was it was i i felt that should be singing that song to him but he kept serenading me his namesake the son he never had he was a man of great passions and appetites he had a resounding appetite for music and women and culture a respect for strength and a reverence for people of color particularly elders in elders he saw the face of his mother and father and ancestors he never saw but whose lives he felt molded his spirit his fire he too had an appetite for drugs and alcohol which fed into the contradictions that lived in his skin he loved family in a fierce way yet he was estranged from his children he loved his mother walking her to church on mission street as a dutiful son does he never failed to walk his mother to that old brick church except once and on that day his mother fell to the pavement and died days later it was something he bore carrying those bricks from the church on his shoulders his back each day afterward although big ant had appetites for things that would seek to destroy him he also had an appetite for meaning a deeper meaning of life perhaps his relationship with drugs and alcohol was in a way a search for meaning to fill a void he carried in his life he became a muslim he bought a quran a big book with a green cover he got the word islam tattooed above his heart set on his firm pectoral muscle a most appropriate place to glorify that holy word but the alcohol didn t leave him and he continued to indulge one night god indulged him i saw hell young blood he told me god showed me hell i saw the bodies in the fire right there in the living room i didn t know what to think maybe he was drunk maybe he was hallucinating but i asked myself has uncle anthony ever lied to me he says he saw hell in his living room i thought about his words often when he related this story has my uncle ever lied to me i couldn t think of an instance he then became a christian he began talking about jesus saying i don t want a black jesus a brown one a white one a red yellow purple or technicolor jesus i want a real one 2014 bad news big ant noticed a growth in his neck the doctors determined it was cancer of the lymph nodes i m not doing chemo he said emphatically radiation treatment was scheduled multiple visits to the radiation clinic followed with a mold of his face constructed for the treatments and several teeth that needed pulling big ant my uncle who i saw as fearless was now facing cancer the radiation was aimed at his neck his skin turned into a pinkish red the itching was unbearable it impacted his ability to swallow eating became difficult he dropped weight and his voice became lower muffled into a whisper ant hey ant in my life as a writer my desire was to find my voice to move closer towards that voice in pursuit of truth wherever it might be which was at times elusive but much of my voice has been influenced by my uncle he was fearless in his prime weighing between 145 150 lbs he would declare i might be light but i bite he carried anger in his fists and in his mind but he was always quick to smile insisting to walk on the sunny side of the street no matter how thick the san francisco fog might have been a fog that makes some of us invisible as a cancer fighter survivor he has become more frail dropping to under 100 lbs in 2019 i relocated to north carolina after living most of my life in my birthplace of san francisco i talk to big ant on the phone in the last couple years his voice has become softer more muffled i recently visited him he is being cared for by my aunt and cousin 40 minutes from san francisco he lives in a quiet neighborhood where my cousin and aunt provide for his needs it is not easy his spirit dips and rises and it reverberates onto my aunt and cousin in shocks and aftershocks and eventually calm i walked into his room on a recent visit i hugged him a hug that lasted long while the memories of his presence in my life welled up inside me i kissed his hands tears followed the only serenade i could offer we talked catching up on things he asked me how my job in north carolina was going and i said it was going well he spoke of his health problems there are more now than before his voice was soft the effects of radiation on his throat it was a short visit with my having to leave in a couple of days big ant looked at me i m praying for you he said and in a voice that is a lot lower than in the past before cancer before radiation before seeing hell he closed his eyes and spoke lord bless anthony keep him safe and let him come to know you i give you all the praise and honor and glory in jesus name amen it was a voice of love of humility and fire in spite of all he has been through all the fighting and anger and physical agony and discomfort he is praying for me that i receive grace in his voice i felt the depth of his strength his courage that comes from love a courage i still have yet to possess but still seek out i left him with a hug and tears and his words attached themselves to my skin mind memory life i returned to north carolina to my job my house and my cat after fighting off jetlag i got back into my routine one evening i got a call it was big ant hey ant he said his voice sounded full stronger clearer you sound great uncle i said i prayed that god would give me my voice back he said we talked for a long while i was glad to hear my uncle s voice which helped shape my own voice as a writer a nephew a filipino and black a black and filipino man who has a strong sense of identity he has shown me what it is to fight he is in the fight of his life battling the many attacks on his body but the attacks have not killed his spirit his faith his voice his love i can hear it now from ...