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Text of the page (random words):
urned into my mom that is a total mom reason to root for a team i am okay with it although my friend chaz called me a typical socialist wanting to spread the wealth i actually don t know who my mom is rooting for probably whoever is less conceited looking anyway if you don t know who you are rooting for just yet keep in mind that ben roethlisberger decided that this would be a good haircut to have right after he was accused of being a rapist to be fair though anyway if the steelers win 8 4 i will be okay with it since those are the numbers i have in one of those box bet things i will be rooting for safeties and two point conversions happy super bowl sunday y all hooray for advertising and concussions and farts by mike 2 06 2011 wednesday january 26 2011 i ve decided to stop blessing people i mean after sneezing i ll still do my usual blessings for hiccups i had a professor back in college and it pisses me off i can t remember his name but he was awesome he was kind of a prick smart funny and made a great effort to challenge the class every day he was one of the few teachers i had that really gave a damn one day he gave his whole reason of why saying god bless you after sneezing isn t necessary not only can i not remember his name but i can t remember the reason he gave but i remember thinking damn saying god bless you is stupid whenever he did sneeze in class someone would of course bless him out of habit and he would say completely unnecessary but thank you i might start using that being in china made me also lean towards not blessing people when you sneeze there no one says anything i liked it took a while to get used to but it made sense why not bless people after coughing what about someone s stomach growling really loud should we bless that anyway my office lately is a cesspool of sneezing and coughing and sars and i work with a lot of people there s just too much sneezing to be blessing i ain t got time for that shit so if i work with you and you re within earshot of me just know that i m not going to be blessing you i am however applying random religious sayings to other bodily functions whenever someone farts i m now going to say lord hear our prayer the best argument i have heard for saying god bless you comes from milhouse milhouse when you sneeze that is your soul trying to escape your body saying god bless you makes it go back in once you die it flies up to heaven by mike 1 26 2011 tuesday november 23 2010 i am leaving china today wooo i have had a lovely time in beijing but it s time to go home hotel living isn t for me man cannot survive on room service and chinese hookers alone i got that in a fortune cookie i got drunk really really drunk on this crap last night i forget what it s called but imagine jagermeister had sex with satan this would be the afterbirth it s gross wise words china wise words i ve posted this video on facebook a million times literally for no reason but now it actually makes sense can t wait to get home just in time for the most gluttonous of american days sure hope my plane doesn t crash i feel like that should be a more common saying like when you re going on a flight to just say can t wait to see you sure hope my plane doesn t crash or the people who check your boarding pass have a good flight hope it doesn t crash anyway i really hope my plane doesn t crash by mike 11 23 2010 monday november 22 2010 my hotel gave me flowers this past weekend that was downright nice of them i ve never gotten flowers before it made me feel like a proper lady i mean i have been sleeping with them for the last three weeks it s about time they gave me something by mike 11 22 2010 saturday november 20 2010 went to the forbidden city today that would be a great name for a strip club anyway it s all loaded with history and all that hey to get people interested in history they should call it historray so much more fun anyway for real this time there was lots of historray my favorite part of the whole thing was the hall of clocks and watches i know i m as surprised as you are but it was awesome there were some serious clocks i am pretty sure i have never said the word magnificent out loud i still haven t but i thought it when looking at some of these clocks it was crazy how much detail went into some of these i can t imagine anything from my generation inspiring this same kind of awe the hall of ipods maybe and in 2006 they came out with a smaller one then in 2007 they came out with one that was smaller this was my favorite clock because it would be a great alarm clock i d be so freaked the fuck out every time it woke me up i d never hit snooze actually i guess i d never fall asleep i want this tree i took a dump on this sign i liked these little guys on each building i had a beer at this place tonight my friend lee said it looks like they boiled a gremlin good night by mike 11 20 2010 thursday november 18 2010 i went to the great wall of china yesterday let me tell you something it was great and it was in china and it was a wall i just had to check out this of business and then it was go time turns out it was all legit this great wall was a pretty sweet wall the only problem was i decided to hike up to the bastard i went with this hiking group beijing hikers and i would never do it any differently but next time i will remember to bring my hiking shoes the last thing i saw when i left my apartment were those shoes and i was like eh i m not doing any hiking in china right fuck it this was half way up half way so on their site for this hike i did it said can you climb up three flights of stairs without getting winded which i was all hells yeah maybe but it should have said can you climb up the side of a fucking mountain because then i would have said hells yeah maybe but maybe not too so it was rough they also said it would be chilly so bring layers everyone was disrobing about five minutes in it was around fifty degrees and i am not sure what the translation is to celsius but i think fifty fahrenheit is like 400 celsius again i m not sure but it was warmer than i expected one thing that was annoying was that it has been sunny the entire time i ve been in beijing which is not expected you see beijing is almost always covered in soot and haze and poo and ash and whatever pollution you can think of somehow i hadn t experienced that too much of course i wake up yesterday open the curtains and there s the soot haze poo ash etc so that was a bummer because the visibility was crappy and all of the photos look cloudy and bright all that aside it was amazing if the world ends in 2012 i ll be happy i saw the great wall of china we hiked a part of the wall that has not been all fancied up by china which was cool not one person tried to sell me a postcard or a dvd that s because we didn t see anyone else the entire way i only asked someone to take a photo of me once and i made the mistake of not looking at it after i call this my hey who farted on the great wall face this was on the way down you can see where we climbed up to in the background nice job china by mike 11 18 2010 tuesday november 16 2010 sorry for the lack of updates i sure do suck anyway i am off to the great wall of china tomorrow so i will most likely post some photos in the meantime here is what i will be giggling about the entire time i am hiking the great wall of china by mike 11 16 2010 thursday november 11 2010 today i saw two black people two in china i spoke with one of them she was from new york and worked with the embassy when i see a black person now i m like hey dude i get it now i get it so remember when i said chinese people here stare at white people well i do the same thing now it s weird to see a white person and i stare and when chinese people don t look back at me i m like hey look at me i m a fucking white freak i don t really do that but there is sort of a hey white person thing that goes on you know how people with jeeps or vw beetles honk or wave at each other white people do that with eye contact in china even if you speak french and i speak english we re kind of like hey whitey or bonjour blancy i got an email from a guy named johnny wang today first i assumed it was spam it was not second if that s your name how do you not legally change your name to have an exclamation point at the end of it and your name johnny wang i imagine he points at the person each time he says it with both hands by mike 11 11 2010 wednesday november 10 2010 i was at a restaurant the other day and one of the english descriptions on the menu was the peasant family explodes the chicken i didn t order it but if i had i would have thrown a fit if they didn t bring a bunch of poor people out of the kitchen with some fireworks and a chicken or maybe ask for alternatives do you have something in an elitist family punching a cow by mike 11 10 2010 tuesday november 09 2010 so after yesterday s post where i joked about privacy being in quotes i m starting to think i really am being watched by my hotel this note is specifically telling me to put on more clothes if i get a note tomorrow that says something like try touch privates with left hand feel more like stranger i m really going to get suspicious by mike 11 09 2010 monday november 08 2010 i like how privacy is in quotes nothing is private in the people s republic silly american by mike 11 08 2010 sunday november 07 2010 i ve had a few people ask do you feel really tall there i m above average i think but i don t feel super tall chinese people are taller than they get credit for i don t feel as tall as i felt in the philippines that s where my shorties at now if you asked do you feel super white there well that s a different story and the answer is yes people stare at me here let me rephrase that people stare at me here and they aren t shy about it you know how when sometimes you feel a person is looking at you and you look back at them and then they look away yeah not here i can tell someone is looking at me so i look at them and they keep looking like right into my eyes they don t care it s like they ve never seen a white person and they want to see if i will disappear if they look hard enough it s odd i expected that in the philippines i was in some pretty rural areas so a pasty white guy is reason to stare but in beijing one of the biggest cities in the world it feels kind of odd you d think people have seen white people before at the very least on tv granted i am very white but still they just stare now i know how hot chicks feel when i was leaving the temple of heaven the other day these girls were walking near me and kind of being all giggly i could tell they were talking about me but didn t know exactly why was it because i am insanely handsome maybe turned out they wanted me to take a photo of them one girl came up and gave the international sign for can you take a photo of us white boy so i did then after that she said now you so she wanted to take a photo with me there were three of them and they all got their own photo with the white guy who is five foot ten and a half now i know how new york firemen feel so after that i said ok now you i had to take a photo with the girls who wanted to take a photo with me but out of context it just looks like i m going around taking photos with young chinese girls which i totally am but this one was totally in context by mike 11 07 2010 saturday november 06 2010 so i went to the temple of heaven today i did not really know what to expect i knew there would be some structures that have been there since the ming dynasty and i d get all historical up in this shit but i had no idea i would end up walking through an elderly chinese hip hop dance party for realz before i get to that i will try to give you an idea of what this place is like it is basically a big park with buildings gardens etc throughout it s kind of like central park but there are things on the map like this just so you know the building is shuttered and they no longer kill animals there i mean they re killing animals on a regular basis everywhere else around here but they are smart enough to not call it the animal killing pavilion anyway it was a lovely fall day today the first thing i heard when i walked through the east gate though was the most god awful singing i have ever heard in my life there was a lady with a karaoke machine screeching some awfulness i can tell you now that she is not getting into heaven if she plans on doing that when she gets there so i walked on i walked through a section simply called the long corridor of older people playing cards and yelling at each other in chinese it was incredibly entertaining to watch and i would match rather watch this than any world series of poker garbage on espn then i walked through a much quieter and serene section where this guy was singing and he had a great voice he was one of my favorite people of today because he was singing his heart out even though no one was watching him i was behind him and eventually said ni hao to him so i wasn t a total creeper so now i am walking and really enjoying the weather the trees the history and all that i walk down this pretty little path then i went through some gigantic gate and i heard some very loud music the kind of music you d expect to hear in central park not in the temple of heaven so i was thinking wow someone here is totally blasting some hip hop music and i can t imagine that these old chinese people around here are going to stand for this i turn a corner to where the music is playing and there is a quarter mile stretch of about 100 old chinese people dancing it was amazing they were ballroom dancing salsa dancing some were just doing some old school tai chi moves and they were all doing it to kanye i repeat it was amazing i am here for two more weeks and i am pretty sure this will be the highlight of my trip this lady was my favorite i walked around for about three hours after this and before i left i came back to see if this was still going on and while there were less people there it was still going and that lady was still going strong check out the dude in the background that s how everyone was dancing it was serious i might go back tomorrow i feel like recreational dancing on tv has really had a void ever since club mtv went off the air might i suggest club eldery chinese hip hop dance party or dancing with the old chinese ladies anyway the rest of the temple was cool but no ming dynasty relics could hold a candle to the 20 minutes i spent watching those people dance yes 20 minutes i kept starting to leave but it was so difficult it was too much fun if heaven is actually like this then sign me up tomorrow i will blog about how i am a white person in china a very white person here are a few more photos from today you can click on them for a better view this dude was conducting a band and a choir at the same time he was also pretty awesome by mike 11 06 2010 friday november 05 2010 ...