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Text of the page (random words):
the boy i knew at 12 to the teen i met at 17 he was of course taller he was crazy attractive muscular no ripped from head to toe with a man s voice and bearing but the largest difference was that he was so angry apparently in therapy he had been advised to find music that expressed his feelings and then listen to it whenever he felt those feelings he would then work out or excersise to what he called his angry music he would smoke pot to his alone music and fall asleep at night to his dying music i am in awe of this recognition we are stewards of our bodies we are stewards of our minds i don t care if you believe these things were given to you by a higher power or not fact is you have them they are yours to do with as you see fit and this dear friend whom a part of me still loves chose to slowly destroy himself to familiar tunes just as i in so many solitary moments of my life sought to depress or express myself to music it makes sense now why my other friend would have been worried about me at age 17 when i started to listen to harder more angry music so here i am at the age of 31 5 finally getting the picture that the prophets and apostles have been trying to impress upon us all for ever so many years i guess i just didn t have enough evidence but i sure do now i said this before music releases emotion and silence releases thought why is that because music stirs emotion within us it is one of the reasons hymns are a delightful addition to any church service those selections of music stir our hearts lift our souls and help us feel what heaven was like and will be like again all music has that power and you know what i don t even need to preach about the power of music prophets apostles and smart people througout the ages have done that already better than i i m just adding my experience to the chorus of evidence of the fact that we must protect our minds be aware of what you are memorizing what you encourage your chidren to memorize through song because all those words phrases and feelings are stored somewhere in your mind and will be forever posted by sayyadina at 8 56 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest better late than never mentioned i have twenty minutes to share some thoughts regarding an experience that took place almost exactly a year ago in november of 2011 i was singing at the piano with my muad dib some songs that i didn t know very well and these songs also were special because every time i tried to sing them i got emotional and couldn t sing through it anyone who really knows me will understand how odd that is i might get emotional but as a performer i can always sing through it and then muad dib says you should do this in the ward i ask the relief society if they d be interested in me heading up a musical program that could be done for an activity they agree shocked really that anyone would be willing to take on such a task and i set to work it has been my experience as a member of the lds church that talented people tend to hide or disregard their talent in the name of humility so i sent around sign up sheets to gage interest in the ward who would want to perform i need soloists when i mentioned the program to people they all referred me to one person in the ward one singer one known soloist i sent around those sign up sheets for four weeks i never had more names on it than in the first week and easily had half the willing participants i needed i prayed and prayed for opportunities to mention singing music and sharing talents in any lesson or venue possible and finally came the day i had set aside for auditions where those who were interested in solos would come forward in a group and sing indiviually whereafter i would decide what song they would sing i m not going to lie i was surprised by who came and only slightly surprised at the level of their vocalization every one of them declared clearly though with self deprecating humor that they were not good singers and had i taken them at their word we would have had no program at all i am grateful that heavenly father gave me the opportunity to hear their voices beyond their words that i might use my talents to bring theirs out it took courage and trust for them to sing for me that first time i applaude each of them for coming and after hearing each of them sing i was confident that the program was going to be beautiful fast forward past a montage of sunday afternoon and friday morning rehearsals with a bunch of women a group that finally swelled to over 20 who were willing to try yes we reviewed the same songs and the same few measures per song over and over and we laughed we cried i taught them some physical warm ups there were a few of my expressions that made it into full fledged sayings such as if you re going to mess up do it loudly so i can hear you and everyone has a choir voice in may by the time we performed the program and the encore since men weren t invited to the first one being as it was a relief society program i had 8 soloists and a well trained women s choir that sounded heavenly now i have been party to choirs that had heavenly help at the end because they needed it as in they would have sounded horrible without the heavenly help but this was not the case with this choir any heavenly help afforded was a lifting of the talents they had already worked so hard to cultivate it was angels singing with them not for them it was amazing because these women who didn t think they had it in them did i cried every time the trust the fun the result the sharing every moment was worthwhile and i just wanted to say thank you to the women i don t know how and writing is what i do so at least now it s finally out there and i would like to add to this record the incredible gratitude to heavenly father for my calling in my ward since the women at the well program the ward choir has grown even more and during the last two and a half years i have been able to perform a job that serves others that makes me happy it is perfect and i am grateful so so so grateful posted by sayyadina at 8 52 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday january 13 2013 voices i was finally able to listen to the building a mind of steel cd set by kirk duncan it basically talks about what i talked about in the previous post identifying the endless stream of negative comments being made by a peanut gallery of unseen hecklers and how to keep myself safe from their constant onslaught of crap this was the cd set he had suggested to me a few posts ago when he advised fix mom first when i was asking how to help my kids well so i was listening to it as i drove the kids to school i don t want to lose my place i told them and they happened to hear a bit of it the bit about what kirk calls the dot people as the cd went on lemur was listening and then listening intently he would look at me every so often as if to ask is this for real but never actually said the words then he got out to go to school i asked him what he thought about it when he came home he looked directly at me and said fine i have mentioned it in passing a bit over the last few days but did not push further mostly i talked of it with fedaykin when he came to visit yay on the way home from rehearsal i was listening to the cd again and was on step 1 basically doing what i did in the previous post i was driving but instantly felt a very powerful push and heard do it do it now i m driving i answered out loud it s important do it now now don t turn me in because obviously everything is fine but i pulled out a sheet of paper turned off the cd for a moment and wrote down the top 10 negative comments i finished writing set the paper down and rolled down the window to spit out my gum the paper blew away i didn t know if it had escaped out the window or what because i couldn t find it anywhere even when i searched the car at home so i wrote the previous post then i found the original list and holy buckets i was utterly shocked to see these comments in my handwriting because not only were they terrible lies but i could honestly say i d heard them before many times and some i d actually started to believe comments as terrible as you ve already lost rivuleta you ve already ruined lemur you aren t what muad dib needs and so forth but instead of feeling scared or beaten i felt cleaner those thoughts aren t mine they were being fed to me by a bunch of butt heads negative spirits dot people who have nothing better to do then be jerks anyway then last night i had a dream about rivuleta the dream was that i had left rivuleta somewhere and then saw a man carrying her she didn t seem to mind but i knew something was wrong i cried out and ran after him my mother in the dream said oh he s just like uncle so so it s no big deal but i was still scared and angry i finally caught up to the man took my daughter back and he laughed at me why did you take her i demanded i didn t take her no one was with her she came with me so then rivuleta says she has to go to the bathroom i take her and then say wait here just a minute i ll be right back and take off to yell at the guy some more i find him in a huge room people coming in and it felt like he was about to teach them i yelled at him told him he had no right to take my child how dare he what was he teaching her i was teaching her to lie he answered laughing why it was easy she s so afraid of you that all i had to do was show her she was safer if she just hid and didn t tell the truth what else i was teaching her that she is worthless she is easily forgotten and not beautiful that you are lying when you say she is and when you say you love her in the dream i remember being speechless for a moment before ranting again when my indignation was at it s peak and he kept laughing all the time i finally asked this isn t funny what are you laughing at you re here yelling at me for showing attention to your daughter but where is she now i turned and ran from the room i realized i was angry and screamed in the annex i didn t want rivuleta to see me like that but i was still angry so i screamed until i lost my voice in the hallway i felt better having gotten all of it out so i went to find her after searching and searching i saw a man who looked remarkably like grandpa lee sitting in a wooden chair leaning back on two legs looking for something he asked my daughter have you seen her do you mean that beautiful sprightly thing that prances when other people would walk that s her you haven t lost her i ve been keeping an eye out turn around and there she was through the rest of the dream we held hands and i could feel her aging she aged to college right through the dream always with her hand in mine until she told me to let go wow right well then there s this lemur comes to me tonight before bed and says i forgot to tell you my dream last night there were dot people all around screaming at me lots of horrible stuff that might be true but i knew wasn t true and then there was a guy his name was confidence he got them all to back off he told me great things about myself and taught me how to shoot an arrow through the middle of another arrow he wasn t a dot person sounds like you ve got yourself a guardian lemur that s great what s his name i told you his name it s confidence it s the name he picked so i would know who he was to many of my readers this particular post will mean next to nothing and for that i apologize only that you don t know kirk and therefore can t share in the relief i feel knowing how to better raise and protect my children and myself but there are also a few of you who totally get what i m talking about and that s why i shared it posted by sayyadina at 9 42 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday january 9 2013 la la la i m not listening well that didn t take long how unfortunate that one day i can think great thoughts even long enough to write them infused with joy and wonder and self praise and then not three days later feel utterly and completely like wait okay thoughts emotion emotion action action results if i am feeling terrible and making terrible choices then i must be thinking terrible thoughts what thoughts have accosted my mind and now hold it hostage ah they all relate to the new play i m directing i seem to recall that each time i undertake direction of a play i have a time of doubt now this time is a little different because i have more evidence to base them on hey does that give the thoughts the right to take over no i m going to build my mind of steel beginning with identifying the negative comments you can t do this you aren t respected you are too intense you are alone no one will respect you because you are fat you are abandoning your children you don t keep a clean house you are going to fail everyone will remember your failure you will ruin the theater and now as kirk suggests i will combat them with the perfect opposite and an extra positive just to be sure my brain get s the picture 1 i can do this and i have a good vision for the play 2 i can earn respect and am worthy of respect 3 i am intense enough to lead and i am a good leader 4 i have a solid support system and i am well loved 5 i am awesome regardless of my size and i sparkle 6 my children know i love them and they love their dad time 7 i keep a clean house and i make home a welcome place for my family 8 i will succeed with flying colors and i will have fun 9 i will remember my stint as director of the importance of being earnest as a time of personal strength and grace and i will laugh a lot 10 i will add to the startup success of the theater and set a good precedent for the future now i just need to declare these declarations about 20 more times before rehearsal tonight all my past evidence proves that i will direct actors 80 will like me and the way i direct 5 won t care and 15 will have a pretty strong aversion to me all my past evidence proves that i will direct to performance the audience will respond positively the producers will appreciate my work and my view i can do this i have done it i ve done it half a dozen times all with great success so what am i going to do remove flaxen chords say my new directly combative positive declarations and go do the work and if i hit a wall i think that s happening right now and it becomes impossible to go forward i must go vertical to quote move forward hit a wall let go of emotion go vertical next level or move forward hit a wall take steps backwards and stand there in the emotion that came up and let it take you over you choose hint the emotion was already inside before you hit the wall the obstacle is not the wall it is the emotion that you don t want to let go of that keeps you heavy and hurting inside let it go lighten your load makes me cry every time i read it sayyadina lighten your load it feels better i m going to go do ...