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Text of the page (random words):
l when you asked how much longer she would hit you loved her thursday november 17 2011 save your best your needs and my needs ain t always in line by terroni at 12 00 am 7 thoughts wednesday november 16 2011 one of those days if i had it to do over again i wouldn t do it any better i d skip it entirely i felt like a salmon swimming upstream a really bitchy salmon a really bitchy salmon with a back ache from trying to keep up with that bendy little twit who rolled her beady little eyes at me during yoga last night fuck you bendy twit fuck you a really bitchy salmon who sucks at competitive yoga that s me and if you don t think yoga is competitive i m afraid you don t really understand salmon by terroni at 10 31 pm 3 thoughts sunday october 30 2011 the dog in her favorite spot me in mine it s good to be home i spent the week in denver meeting the boy s family i m going to have to come up with a blog name for him capitalizing boy like that makes it look like he s some sort of weird deity it went well as well as could be expected given my near disdain for staying with people and meeting new people and talking to people and did i mention that i stayed with people they were altogether gracious and hospitable if you re ever looking for people to stay with i can t recommend these folks enough i m just not a staying with people kind of person more on all that later right now my bed is calling my bed like i said it s good to be home by terroni at 11 53 pm 4 thoughts thursday october 6 2011 a foxhole at one point i just looked at him and said you know i have no idea what to do here no idea if you could just keep me from fucking it up any worse please in case you ve ever wondered what does it sound like when my doctor prays except maybe it doesn t sound like that at all maybe your doctor has his spiritual shit together and his prayers are all our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy medical knowledge or maybe your doctor is a brilliant atheist i ve yet to meet a stupid atheist who never finds himself standing at your bedside at 3 am with no idea what to do next maybe this is just what it sounds like when i pray i don t do it often at work it s not because i don t need the help god knows i need all the help i can get i don t ask for help because i m not sure that god cares about the same things that i do i am all about making you better in this moment relieving your suffering curing your disease keeping you safe and i m just not sure that he s all about those things that said when i had absolutely no idea what to do next i looked at him and said please by terroni at 10 26 pm 4 thoughts tuesday october 4 2011 an accident we have a young teenager in the unit this week this is to say we have a child in the unit this week he was hit by a car there was no room in the pediatric icu so he is with us i much prefer to take care of kids even when they re really sick isn t that sad and depressing yes even when they re really sick for reasons i can t explain this kind of sad does not depress me as such i may be the only one in the unit who doesn t wish we could transfer him yesterday afternoon the family descended on the unit a flock of red eyed puffy faced birds thrown out of their v shaped flight into a pile of broken winged mess they were exhausted but restless when people brushed past them in the hall they drew back as if every unexpected touch was a static shock they looked and behaved as people often do right after an accident a lot like desperate addicts pacing for relief they can neither conjure nor find they came in waves to his bed surrounding him on three sides they stared at his body and looked for the boy they knew and then they tried to will him to wake up one of his many aunts reached across the bed over his chest and grabbed his mom s hand he s going to be fine she said wild eyed i can feel it i just know it the rest of them joined in chorus he was a strong boy he was going to get through this he would wake up his hair would grow to hide that 8 inch scar on his head and he would walk right out of here back to video games and after school sports and girls i had to hold myself back i wanted to grab his aunt s hand with the same force as she had grab his mom s and say stop saying that you don t know that he s going to be fine and it doesn t help it doesn t help because his mom knows that he may not be fine as she looks down at those staples in his head his purple eye swollen shut she knows and as the chorus sings out in denial of all that lies in front of them she is left alone to face it hours later after they ve all been persuaded to go home she and i sit with him she is at the head of the bed stroking his forehead whispering half prayers i am at the foot sipping tea staring at the monitor over his head trying to decide what i m going to do next if that intracranial pressure keeps going up she has just finished doing reiki and the room smells of white angelica an oil of protection and security strength and endurance i find myself hoping he soaks up every drop of it i m running out of things to try and i really want to tell her that he s going to be fine by terroni at 10 40 pm 3 thoughts saturday september 17 2011 gitz sara when i wrote that august 22nd post the one about being in love i knew you d be the first to comment and i knew you d be happier for me than anyone else that is the very nature of you the boy and i were curled up on the couch last night talking i told him that while catching up on your blog i learned that our days of reading each other are coming to an end i explained a little about as about how it has affected you he said it s like everything s been stripped away like she s been deconstructed i understand how it may sound that way but to know you is to know what has been left it is to know the seed the very seed of love and peace and joy that lives completely unscathed in you i am going to miss you like whoa girl love t by terroni at 9 10 am 2 thoughts sunday september 11 2011 all the memories fade send the ghosts on their way tell them they ve had their day it s someone else s tomorrow patty griffin by terroni at 12 00 am 0 thoughts friday september 9 2011 on faith or whatever this is the older i get the less i know for sure and the more this feels like a powerful peaceful liberating kind of knowing in itself i grew up with fundamentalist christians i knew a lot of things for fucking sure i had a firm grasp on most of what was so clearly the black and white good and righteous truth it only makes sense to me that this truth still exists to say that it is relative or that i could just live my own version of it would be to betray an ignorance of the very word but it makes even more sense to me that something as righteous as this cannot ever be understood by something as human as me when i say that i know there is a god i am not convinced of my rightness i am instead sure of my experience while those things may sound the same they feel like the difference between jerry falwell and anne lamott the older i get and the more i have some experience of god the more i know that mostly i just don t know resting in that in a god that understands that feels like grace by terroni at 11 23 pm 2 thoughts tuesday september 6 2011 a saturday as they walked on ahead of me i thought if i could take a picture it would be of this the boy and the dog walking next to each other on that horse trail her leash clipped onto his backpack his arms swinging her tail wagging trotting along both kicking up a little dry dirt with each step he sang the mostly wrong words to free falling it s a long day livin in raseda there s a freeway runnin through the yard something something cause i don t really miss her and i don t know the words to this song and for the fifth time that week i fell in love with my life by terroni at 4 12 pm 0 thoughts out loud we were lying in bed it was after midnight you know that achy feeling you have when you first catch the flu the feeling that even your hair might be sore yes well i felt that way on the inside son of a bitch cardiac rotation i was completely drained but wide fucking awake i couldn t lie still i got up got myself a glass of water wandered into the living room and curled up on the end of the couch hugging my knees to my chest that lasted all of three minutes before i commenced to pacing traipsing through the apartment in the dark was doing little to help and it wasn t long before it woke the dozing boy i crawled back into bed mostly because i didn t have a good explanation for why i d left in the first place then because it was just about the only place in the apartment i hadn t yet been i slid on top of him and buried my face in his chest he threw his tired heavy arms over me and kissed my head i m certain this was as much a physical restraint intended to prevent further idiotic wandering as it was affection he is a warm and sweet smelling straight jacket i am straight up crazy we were made for each other i was as close to sleep as i d been all night when i whispered i love you shit i thought that wasn t out loud was it i didn t mean for that to be out loud but then i love you too was whispered into my hair now it s something he says all the time to that crazy girl he s dating and she says it back out loud and what they both mean but don t usually say is even when you re pretty much insane by terroni at 4 00 pm 4 thoughts monday august 22 2011 and when i have the time when i m don t have to be up at 3 30am when i m eating something besides cheerios for dinner when i m done starting epi drips in my dreams this is to say when cardiac is over i will tell this blog all about how i am in love not just in like but in love in love like whoa by terroni at 8 44 pm 4 thoughts wednesday june 29 2011 the wedding my little brother got married and by little of course i mean younger and not actually smaller i say little because i still think of him this that way as small but mighty timmy was born with four holes in his heart for the first four years of his life no one knew most kids with this kind of heart defect turn blue on occasion timmy never did i think it just never occurred to him to be anything but pink he had open heart surgery when he was 5 he was supposed to spend the rest of the summer taking it easy telling a 5 year old boy to take it easy it s like telling a bird to take a walk a few weeks after his surgery we were at the pool he had an extra stripe of white sunscreen on the 10 inch bright pink scar on his chest his chest was a bit of funny shape as if he d been opened down the middle like a clam and then wired back together he had he was constantly being reminded to take it easy it was a nice easy walk to the top of the high dive my mom spotted him up there peering over the edge his white greasy scar shining in the sun just before he flung himself forward and landed with a splat chest first in 12 feet of water she got to him before the lifeguard next to the board even heard the splash as she dove to the bottom of the deep end she will tell you i was sure those sternotomy wires were broken she pulled a stunned but intact boy from the pool and for a few hours that day he took it easy he s been back at it though plowing through life sternotomy wires first ever since maturity has pruned him to be more brave than reckless his energy has been channeled into a fierce work ethic and his scar has been a huge hit with the girls when i told my now sister in law that she was the best thing that s happened to him since we fixed his heart i really meant it she s sweet and kind and funny and she lets him be himself their wedding weekend was fantastic i took the boy home with me everyone loved him and not like oh he s nice where did you two meet but more like oh my god where did you find him he is so hot granted i didn t really expect that from my uncle the boy has a super cool superhero job word of it spread quickly through the groomsmen and they spent most of the weekend asking if they could see his license to kill i never had to worry that he was bored or didn t have anyone to talk to or wasn t having a good time i threw this great guy into a my favorite group of people got myself a drink and floated through an amazing weekend back home at one point after several drinks he accepted my mother s invitation to accompany the family on vacation next summer when she mentioned this to me a week later i said mom it was nice of you to invite him but he and i aren t really making plans quite that far in advance yet we ve only been dating a few months well she said if things work out between the two of you you can come too by terroni at 8 43 pm 8 thoughts thursday may 19 2011 overkill tilex soap scum remover now kills the flu virus it says so right on the label when i read that i thought do i really need you to kill the flu i mean has anyone ever actually contracted this disease from her shower athelete s foot maybe but the flu am i the only one who isn t even the slightest bit worried about catching a fever and chills from her grout by terroni at 10 55 pm 6 thoughts monday may 9 2011 check i had the day off yesterday and so made myself a to do list in between clean shower and sweep backyard i wrote get a grip i wrote it as if it were a task to be accomplished a chore to be done then i looked over my list realized i wasn t actually in the mood to do any of that cleaning shit and headed to the bookstore instead i bought anne lamott s bird by bird i wasn t looking for a book about writing i was looking for some anne anne is the kind of woman who would understand why i wrote that list and why i walked away from it she wouldn t ask why i had to buy a book a bag of chips and some guacamole and spend the afternoon sitting on a bench spilling avocado on my shirt growing new freckles or as is more likely with my genes basal cell carcinomas in the afternoon sun as i did just that i overhead two young 20 somethings discussing what their lives would be like when they were 30 these two had all sorts of grand plans they were going to be established in their careers well into their first marriages having their oldest of three children oddly enough neither of them said when i am 30 i m going to make elaborate to do lists they will say things like chill the fuck out lighten up and get over yourself and then i m going to spend whole saturdays sitting in the sun spilling guacamole on a white tee shirt and working towards going home to put a check mark next to get a grip by terroni at 9 44 pm 5 thoughts saturday may 7 2011 dive i am still happy very happy when he walks into the room i still squeal on the inside every single time but i m trying not to squeeze this too tightly resisting the urge to act like an 8 year old boy who just caught a frog i am acutely aware of the fact that sometimes oftentimes hell more times than not even good things don t last forever while i d love for this relationship to have the spirit of a lightning ...