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Text of the page (random words):
deous monsters you have to wonder i know i have would twilight have been such a success if edward cullen had been a less desirable undead creature would edward be nearly as desirable if he was say a shambling flesh eating zombie consider the following scene bella swan you re impossibly slow and dumb your skin is pale green and squishy your eyes fall out and sometimes you speak like like you have no vocal chords you never drink anything you keep trying to eat my brain how old are you edward cullen uuuuhhhh bella swan i know what you are edward cullen gaaaahhhh uhhh bella swan zombie edward cullen urrrrr i was sure of three things one edward was a zombie two there was a part of him and i didn t know how strong it was that hungered for my brains and third i was irrevocably in love with him not nearly so sexy is it vampires really do get all the breaks when it comes to being undead it s hard to say exactly what is it about vampires that makes them so appealing is it the money mummies guard vast hoards of treasure and you don t see the ladies lining up yes they usually are dust farting old piles of bones wrapped in bandages but at least they have a steady job and they often have a pretty swank pyramid to live in is it the sense of lust intermingled with danger the offer of immortal life it can t be that the zombies mentioned above are pretty lusty in their pursuit of eating human flesh and that you must admit is rather dangerous and when they kill their prey rise up and become immortal zombies so what is it then the only answer i can think of must be wardrobe girls are suckers for a sharp dressed man even if he lacks a pulse be it dracula lestat bill compton edward cullen or the count from sesame street vampires always dress well they re really the only undead creatures with panache and style but for a pair of pradas and a well cut suit i can only presume my wife would be lusting after this he may not be perfect but at least he knows how to show a girl a good time posted by twilight widower at 6 06 pm 193 comments labels edward cullen zombie monday june 1 2009 onward and upward firstly please accept my apologies for the incredibly tardy post as you can imagine since the photos of robert pattinson standing shirtless in italy were released it has been very difficult for me to get near the computer i thought i could sneak a post in earlier this week but then alas the new moon trailer came out add to that the particularly fine weather we ve been having in vancouver lately and you can perhaps forgive me for my lapse it was in fact the release of the infamous shirtless photos that finally tipped me off to some peculiar behaviour my wife had been exhibiting for some time now shortly after the shirtless pictures went online my wife just happened to stop by the local sporting goods store and brought home a set of weights well it s summer soon she said by way of explanation you want to look good for the beach don t you she asked innocently in between replays of the animated shirtless vid on youtube i became suspicious was i being groomed to look like edward cullen this wasn t the first time this had happened up until a few weeks ago i wouldn t have guessed how many brands of glitter body paint there are and i remembered an odd conversation we had a while ago over the dinner table stare at me what stare at me like you want to eat me i frowned she waited patiently no that just looks constipated it s easy to tell if you re being groomed to look like pretty mcsparkle pay close attention to your wife s behaviour and you ll soon picked up the pattern 1 random gifts of hair gel try putting your hair up for a change honey 2 signing you up for piano lessons you said you wanted a new hobby 3 an unusual interest in your skin care routine the uv index is too high here wear this spf 50 sunblock and a hat and cover your arms up 4 your wardrobe has taken a decidedly vintage look lately it s what all the guys are wearing now trust me honey why can t i wear shorts to the beach 5 you are certain she keeps calling you by a different name no you misheard me i said i love you onward 6 she makes you stand out in the cold for a half hour before letting you come to bed it ll tighten your pores it may be paranoia on our part i admit but just remember when she pages you at work and you hear phone call for mr cullen odds are it isn t just a slip on her part posted by twilight widower at 5 59 pm 122 comments monday may 25 2009 twilight denial the other night my wife and i were enjoying dinner with another couple friends from my wife s university days when the topic of the twilight phenomenon came up i can t stand that series the other wife said such terrible writing i can t believe this kind of thing passes muster at book publishers these days the husband was equally dismissive yes a really good example of the dumbing down of american culture not that it needed any help in that direction he sniffed i can t remember the rest of the conversation but i do recall phrases like adolescent wish fulfillment anti feminist and utter trite i was about to point out that many of the twilight blogs and fan sites my wife has been forcing me to read are terribly witty remarkably self aware and often delightfully self deprecating when i felt a sharp pain in my shins i looked at my wife she was giving me her strongest warning look i suddenly realized that my wife was ashamed of being a twilight fan the same woman who hasn t watched any other movie but twilight for the last 6 months and signs off her emails with xx days until new moon was suddenly unwilling to identify herself as a twi hard my wife was in twilight denial and i realized this was not the first time she told the clerk at the video store that she was buying the twilight dvd for her niece the only problem is she has no niece she bought the books for our son when our son hadn t shown the slightest interest in the series at all and i suspect that she is not the only twilight addict to be in denial about the depths of her problem somehow up until now i had missed all the classic signs of twilight denial refusal by your wife to acknowledge any previous interest in twilight whenever it is brought up in public wife claims that she did not enjoy the film when subject is broached or weakly admit it wasn t too bad when guests comes to your house your wife spends the previous afternoon hiding any twilight paraphernalia wife makes concerted efforts to suppress any emotional response whenever the words robert pattinson are uttered you begin to get e mails from twilight bloggers asking if she is okay because she hasn t logged on or commented in days once your wife has been exposed to normal society s disdain for twilight she is bound to be conflicted and you may decide to use her confusion and shame to your advantage by suggesting she permanently remove all of the twilight merchandise from the house or threatening to out her to friends and family not yet in the know this is the most dangerous you can do as with any crisis of faith there will come what is called the moment of truth when this time comes your wife will be forced to choose between returning to normal society and rushing back to forks with her arms spread wide while i encourage all my fellow widowers to be optimistic odds are she will once again choose edward over you since you have become accustomed to the familiar feelings of rejection this will arouse in you i want to assure you that you will recover i urge you to look at your motivational posters again if need be however if you tried to take advantage of her momentary crisis by removing her access to all things twilight or exposing her to potential ridicule odds are she will hold this against you for some time there are inherent risks in using your wife s twilight denial against her posted by twilight widower at 9 45 pm 228 comments labels denial robert pattinson twilight wednesday may 20 2009 hang in there the average twilight widower endures a great deal since edward cullen has entered our lives we have had to cope with loneliness resentment and an increase in the amount of housework we are expected to do being the pillar of strength all twilight widowers are expected to be is never easy there is no manual and support groups are few and far between but you are not alone in this struggle with a little help from automotivator i have created some motivational posters for you to print and hang in the garage or storage room in your most desperate moments i hope they will bring you strength and solace posted by twilight widower at 7 08 pm 222 comments labels dishes widower sunday may 17 2009 teen heartthrobs ii the reckoning the other day while trying to talk my wife down from buying a full size edward cullen poster for our bedroom i had an eerie sense of deja vu hordes of screaming girls object of adoration plastered on posters and t shirts everywhere impossibly sexy hair and then it hit me i ve been here before it was 1988 and teenage boys everywhere were up against a force even their powerful hormones and youthful optimism could not defeat the new kids on the block nktob had arrived this hair gel based boy band stole the hearts of obsessive teenage fangirls the world over leaving a trail of jealous less perfect boys in their wake donnie danny joey jordan and jonathan lip synched their way to fame and fortune producing the kind of mass swoons even robert pattinson has yet to achieve uncanny isn t it never in my wildest dreams did i imagine that i would once again over twenty years later be forced to compete with an equally formidable adversary stephenie meyers fictional vampire edward cullen as embodied by british sensation robert pattinson at first i felt uncomfortable reliving my most awkward of years but the fact that i had lived through this before gave me hope i t didn t last then and it cannot last now sure in 1988 they were bigger than jesus but by 1992 nkotb experienced a wave of backlash they never recovered from first came the disastrous self produced album then allegations of lip synching finally persistent rumours that the band members hated each other took hold and sales slumped then in flash they were gone fast forward to 2009 twilight mania has reached a fever pitch after the release of the highly anticipated final chapter in the series a successful movie and with a much hyped sequel in the wings we are experiencing the same high water mark as nkotb in 1989 between the release of hangin tough and their number one single step by step if the parallels continue as they are now i expect a final waning of the twilight phenomenon due approximately in fall 2014 while this may seem like a long time it is reassuring to know that this will eventually come to an end with the continued support of blogs like this one us twilight widowers should be able to weather these dark times knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel hang in there posted by twilight widower at 10 09 pm 61 comments labels addiction obsession twilight friday may 15 2009 knowing when to step in a few days ago my wife seemed really depressed she was downright inconsolable i was worried did our cat die had our son decided to become a musician it s awful she said trying to keep a brave face this is the last day robert pattinson is filming in vancouver oh is that all i thought it was something important even as i said it i knew that was the wrong thing to say as she stormed out of the kitchen grumbling about how i just didn t get it i began to wonder if maybe she was too deep into her twilight obsession does your partner have a twilight addiction there is a distinct difference between a harmless past time and a full blown addiction for example the way you keep baseball cards or can recite the entire script of the empire strikes back is just a hobby and is in no way obsessive or sad on the other hand when you significant other has a large collection of edward cullen memorabilia and can quote line for line the movie twilight is obviously an out of control obsession but do not jump to conclusions there are some signs that your lady s passing interest in the blood sucking glitter boy may have passed into the realm of addiction extreme hyperactivity excessive talkativeness particularly involving 23 year old english actors change in overall attitude personality did she just squeal like a 13 year old girl changes in friends new hang outs twilight blogs avoidance of old crowd non twilight fans new friends twilight bloggers change in activities loss of interest in things that were important before i e you difficulty in paying attention forgetfulness remember adding the words robert pattinson into your conversation randomly will help keep her focused defensiveness temper tantrums resentful behavior i cooked for the first 14 years of this marriage it s your turn unexplained silliness or giddiness excessive need for privacy keeps door locked or closed won t let people in possession of twilight paraphernalia is it time for an intervention if you have come to the realization that your so is exhibiting some or all of these signs it is important to know the steps toward staging a successful intervention plan it out go to the people around her or and speak to them privately about the idea of an intervention you want the people closest to her who care about her and who she cares about as well if it helps tell them you are planning a surprise party and there will be cake if your so doesn t care about the people confronting her it won t work she has to respect these people and value their opinions it might not be a good idea to invite your mother it is also important to ascertain these people are not also closet twilight addicts inviting them to the intervention may undermine you efforts try to keep the number in single digits if you can a more intimate group will be more effective it also has to be clear that this intervention is a surprise to keep the addict from avoiding the situation please keep in mind however that it is inappropriate to ask intervention members to hide and then yell surprise when the addict arrives prepare in advance the group should meet beforehand to lay out how they will approach the addict and what they will say to her taunting songs such as edward isn t real nah nah nah nah nah are not recommended treatment options should be researched in advance so that help can be suggested and offered immediately this may be difficult since established twilight addiction services are not available at present be careful during the intervention keep the atmosphere positive you want the addict to know you are here to help not to blame yes you may have gone to bed alone for the past eight months and you re doubtless upset that the children now call robert pattinson our new daddy but a confrontational attitude will only make her more defensive do not insult or berate edward cullen any headway you may have made up to this point will be lost take imm...