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s it was and perhaps somewhat shamefully but i didn t want my holiday ruined by having my skull shot halfway down the interstate sorry we did some polite nods to his thinly veiled nonsense and instead tried to engage his wife in conversation it somehow got weirder when pressed as to why she had never travelled outside of the us despite having a yearning to see europe her husband shot the conversation down by exclaiming he wouldn t run the risk of having her kidnapped by people traffickers as though this was a common danger that we all live in constant fear of i tried to eke out further explanation on this worry of his but he was having none of it by all accounts the second they would step off the plane in zurich his wife would be bundled into a van by a gang of burly bearded blokes and dashed away into the night for sexual exploitation i resisted the urge to ask him which airline would be best and how much a one way ticket would be with the conversation dead in the water we busied ourselves with our desserts and drank our beer and did everything but make eye contact with our companions paul pretended to be a vaper just so he could join me outside to agree how odd it all was we loitered in a self made thundercloud of miami mint until the bell was rung for the end of dinner and we knew it was safe to return to watch the second part from thereon in i don t think we exchanged another word and the second the culprit was revealed our tablemates scuttled off presumably to get a jump on any potential kidnappers loitering outside takes all sorts glad we did it though and thoroughly recommend it if you re searching for something to do of an evening we got a photo taken of us which we really liked liked it so much we took it into a bar called bjs and left it behind in our defence the bar was called bjs icon park s starflyer what i can t recommend is the starflyer just up the road in icon park i can t recommend it purely because i was far too frightened to ride it it s a 450ft tower where you sit in little swings attached by only two chains and get lifted into the air and spun around you can watch it here it ll open in a new window now see i ll go on any theme park ride you can throw at me higher faster bigger longer or uncut doesn t phase me aside from not especially liking anything that makes me dizzy i ll do anything we once jumped off the top of the stratosphere in las vegas all 900ft of drop and that was just fine but there s about as much chance of getting me on the starflyer as there is me settling down with a milkmaid called janet and raising three rosey cheeked children see there s two other giant rides at this place a colossal ferris wheel rather like the london eye but 400ft tall and a drop tower ride also one of the tallest in the world where they shoot you up into the air and then drop you sounds great aside from the fact there was a fire in one of the pods on the ferris wheel can you imagine how scary that would be and some poor soul fell out of the drop tower ride as it descended and died instantly it s since been revealed that the latter happened because the ride operators decided to override the safety features to allow someone onto the ride who was 100lb past the maximum operating limit perhaps with the above facts in mind you can understand why i refused to ride the starflyer it just wasn t worth the risk i did however send paul up to have a go husband of the year that i am now i know you might be thinking how could i risk something so unendingly precious to me coming to a sticky end but you mustn t fret i kept his wallet on me seeing the love of my life strapped into a chair that looked as though it had been put together over 87 weekly issues of that s probably safe enough was horrifying and i genuinely had to take some deep breaths to calm myself down as he went hurtling into the night but thankfully he returned safely to me pausing only to reassure me it was terribly boring and i would have hated it anyway so that i didn t feel like i d missed out he s a good egg thankfully remaining unscrambled where to miss to the stars the whale m3gan and knock at the cabin over the course of the five weeks we took the opportunity to visit the cinema for three very different films knock at the cabin was very good but entirely unrealistic if dave bautista knocked on our cabin door in the middle of nowhere i d have my legs in the air and my hole on show before his knuckles had left the doorframe of course it s an m night shyamalan film so we spent most of the film trying to guess the twist only for the movie to end abruptly and leave us unsatisfied i ll say this though i d love to see dave bautista in more serious roles either that or hardcore gay pornography because he was absolutely brilliant in this m3gan was camp and magnificent and introduced us to one major difference between the us and uk cinema experience every joke resulted in whooping and hollering and each kill got a round of applause in the uk it s entirely different of course the sound of two m ms rubbing together is enough to elicit so many tuts and hisses that it s often better you just leave i know this because i m usually the one tutting if i m not busy hypocritically stuffing my face with minstrels and slurping my flagon of ice blast but christ the whale i ve been waiting for this movie ever since it was announced that brendan fraser was cast because it was never going to be anything short of brilliant that man can act and so it was an exhausting two hours where you already know how it ll end but waiting for it to happen keeps you captivated in the worst possible way the only moment of levity came when paul managed to tip his entire box of milk duds across the floor sending them pinging and clattering down the stairs when the film was over and the lights came on no one moved now don t get me wrong i m not pretending we all had some sort of collective emotional epiphany it wasn t that american but i reckon most of the folks there were crying i certainly was and i didn t so much as sniffle when my house burned down i looked at paul who was also dabbing away at his eyes and we decided to leave the remaining quarter tonne of buttered popcorn at the cinema we did pick up the milk duds as we left mind oh speaking of popcorn i m not sure what s going on with american popcorn but it s bright yellow which gives it the unfortunate look of something you d excise from a diseased lung it takes a lot of effort to chunk it down i can tell you the chocolate factory international drive has two chocolate factories one at the nice end surrounded by the convention centre and a five minute walk from our second hotel and another thirty minutes away on a strip mall surrounded by shady characters who look like they might mug you as soon as say bless your heart so naturally we went to the latter we weren t planning on taking the tour rather just wanted to take a look at chocolates too expensive to ever consider buying in air conditioned comfort yet the lady on the front desk was very persuasive and before you could say i ve never even been to the ambassador s reception we had two oversized golden tickets for the noon tour and fifty dollars missing from our wallet there was the promise of free samples to quell any grumbling and anyway tell me truthfully if there is any better attraction than those local museums which try their best exactly we were joined on our tour by four ladies who i m not entirely unconvinced didn t just wander in off the street to use the toilet and got roped into the tour and we were on our way first we sat and watched a powerpoint about what chocolate was then we got to see a cocoa bean and try a cocoa nib never one to say no to a bump of free coca i was straight in immediately regretting my choice when this tiny match head of pure bitterness was stuck in my teeth our tour did laugh and say he didn t expect us to actually eat it and there was a bin nearby to pop it in but i was fine i d already spat it into the hood on paul s jacket at this point our tour guide then showed us some furniture that some people who enjoyed chocolate had once sat on then a potted history of where chocolate came from then through a room containing machines that took you through the chocolate making process temper well i was a little cross at having to stand for so long but thank you for asking the next room contained various sculptures made from chocolate which were fascinating to look at if only so paul and i could bicker as to whether or not they were actually chocolate or just painted wood one of the quartet of ladies started chortling and pointing at a chocolate model of barack obama before posing in front of it with her middle finger up i know this because i was behind her with my finger up my nose to ruin her photo paul and i are at the front in case you re unsure perhaps sensing that things were about to turn nasty our tour guide led us through to the sample room well honestly i m not saying my expectations were high but i was basing the enjoyment of this entire holiday on this moment and before we get to what we actually received know this one television programme that paul and i often rewatch on youtube is holiday showdown one of those classic reality tv shows from the early noughties which was designed purely for drama they d take some family from a house within one throw of a pint glass of a flat roof pub who holidayed exclusively somewhere a hot and b with laminated pictures of food to point at then swap their holidays with some utterly cheerless gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt types who took their breaks in a knitted yurt on a nature reserve in some country which only exists in your memories it was amazing we d always end up siding with the rough family because without fail they d have the better holiday and end up rucking with tarquin perineum over some imagined slight in the karaoke bar anyway i mention this because there was a particular episode which saw the families going to las vegas for a week of utter over indulgence and as part of that they visited a chocolate shop now whether the owners relaxed the rules on the freebies because the cameras were there we ll never know but the image of one of the children all glistening chins and happy cow eyes wabbling around with his entire basket of free chocolate stacked as high as him has always always stuck with me i wanted that experience could this be it no fuck no we d have got more chocolate inside us by taking a few deep breaths in the shop outside he must have used a razor blade to slice these samples off i appreciate i m a big fat pig but even so i was expecting chocolate i could chew as opposed to see straight through one sneeze and they d have all blown on the floor our tour talked us through the various flavours but all i could taste was sheer bloody disappointment i felt like augustus gloop only without the fun trip up the pipes they perhaps sensed our sadness because they offered us 10 off in the shop afterwards but we didn t indulge out of spite instead choosing to choke down an ice cream from the shop over the road pah ah now i feel bad actually aside from my utter heartbreaking sorrow the tour itself was very interesting and our tour guide was very bouncy and kept our interest paul admitted afterwards that he wouldn t have kicked him out of bed for eating chocolate to which i reminded him of the time we d been working our way through a bag of revels in our hotel bed after our house burned down and he d fallen asleep on at least three coffee revels which i d set aside for him this led to him shaking me awake the next morning and with the stricken look of someone who had spend a solid decade risking it all on every fart told me he d shat the bed his face when i stuck my finger in it and went ooooh delicious tastes like coffee will stay with me for time evermore and on that note i ll bid you goodbye proud that i managed to create such a circular narrative hook in the blog around paul s bum jx standard posted by chubbycubs posted on march 1 2023 posted under florida travel writing of planes not trains and automobiles hiya cath i ve found with writing the blog that if i stick to a schedule i pressure myself with writing and it stops being fun and i love writing i ve always got so much to say but equally i m forever conscious that some people just want a recipe and don t want to have to trough through 3 000 words about the time i saw a bee and i love bees so going forward i am going to split the lengthy writing bits out from food recipes and hopefully if you see a blog article come sailing into your inbox with the writing suffix you ll give that a read who can say with our recent trip abroad i m positively leaking with things to talk about and although i m saying right here right now that i categorically will not be blogging the entire trip because lord knows you know me well enough to realise i ll do three days and then stop however because the more things change the more they stay the same i will do the time honoured twochubbycubs tradition of typing up the initial travel bit enjoy our floridian odyssey began at exactly 4am on saturday morning usually you d find us absolutely catatonic at this point of the day so to see us bright eyed and bushy tailed would be a shock our own bushy tailed wonderdog was staying with my parents i should add lest we get anyone thinking we d left him at home with eighty seven tins of pedigree chum and a guide on how to use the thermostat my parents love him and spoil him rotten although they take great pains to make the whole thing seem like a terrible inconvenience lest we get ideas above our station and disappear on holiday for six months i think my mother likes someone to chat with who doesn t answer back and who also runs his arse along the carpet a lot less than my dad it s hard to say 4am faces delighted we were up at this ungodly hour because our taxi was due at 5am and i needed to start my holiday with a solid hour of stressing that the taxi driver wouldn t turn up and we d be stranded forever i mean we could have left our car at the airport but as i haven t won the euromillions since i last spoke to you this wasn t going to happen being up this early did give me the opportunity to make sure the house was utterly sparkling and clean in case any burglars broke in and judged us harshly on skidder mountain in the toilet or the state of our valances which was nice and in an unexpected twist our taxi driver actually turned up on time what he didn t do however was wake up now you mustn t get me wrong he was very polite especially in the face of our own barely concealed excitement and he didn t even wince when paul shut the passenger door with so much vim that i m surprised it didn t carry through a full 360 degrees on its hinge and smack him on the arse but there was definitely something awry by way of illustration we set off along the country roads from our house to the ...