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most felt the need to tell our waiter that in no way shape or form did i slip anything into his drink to try to drug mr sleepy vonyawnsalot despite the fact that my skin is brown and i m used to the whole racial profiling scenario our soup arrived and i decided to excuse myself to go to the ladies room to freshen up a tad i returned approximately 6 4 minutes later to find sir lethargic mcnarcolepsy fast asleep head down in his soup if your date has been diagnosed with narcolepsy and doesn t bother to disclose this pertinent information undatable posted by g j at 4 10 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels g wednesday september 14 2011 if the shoe fits i m fairly certain that carrie bradshaw summed it best when she made the remarkable observation the fact is sometimes it s really hard to walk in a single woman s shoes that s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun years ago i had the unique opportunity to spend a significant amount of time with an award winning world wide renowned actress upon her departure she offered me up a new nickname that i instantly became quite proud of imelda marcos not only for my love of shoes but also for the magnitude in which i had accumulated them for anyone who truly knows me they know how much i adore my shoe collection i love the way they feel on my feet the very first time i slip them on i love that they have the ability to not only complete an outfit but to transform it into a living piece of art i have come to more fully appreciate that they have the capability of making your legs look elongated all while toning your calves hamstrings and buttocks i especially love that they won t ever reject you or make you feel unwanted neglected or abandoned and even if you gain 30 pounds due to your post break up blues they always seem to offer the perfect fit they have a way of making me feel a sense of completion that no other relationship has ever offered me ultimately i view my shoe collection as family from christian louboutins to manolo blahniks they have become a true emotional investment of sorts this brings us to my latest dating jaunt from the get go mr gq himself was continually overly exaggeratedly excited about the shoes i would wear when we d go out now to be clear i m not talking about your sweet standard compliment that one first gives when they have observed something they find impressive regarding the person they ve been dating i m referring more to someone who becomes infatuated borderline obsessed with what type of shoes you ll be wearing out that evening so much so that once d day date day arrives he begins texting you 4 hours prior to picking you up simply to ask a two fold question 1 what shoes you will be wearing when he arrives and 2 if you could please send him a picture text of said shoes i found it even more peculiar that after one of our epic dating adventures i had taken my shoes off on the car ride home and by the time he dropped me off it had grown exceedingly late due to my being overly exhausted i didn t remember to grab them before heading inside after a few days of total and complete m i a status of sir shoethief vonhoudini despite all of the texting calling and emailing i had done to ask if i could swing by to pick up my latest prized possessions i opted to do the ever dreaded u d b unannounced drive by to see if he was home as i pulled up i observed his car in the driveway so i headed up the walkway that led to his front door i instantly regretted my decision when much to my mortification i could see mr creepy mcrupaul through the glass window prancing around his living room to the latest justin bieber hit in my brand new chanel espadrilles wedges if your date is a cross dresser undatable posted by g j at 6 14 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels g friday august 19 2011 10 will get you 20 in one of my recent therapy sessions my therapist made a rather brash forthright statement when she said and i quote ge there is one common denominator in all of your failed relationships and that s you she then proceeded to ask me a significantly poignant question what exactly is it that you re doing to attract the same type of guy over and over and over again the more i ruminated over these sudden epiphany s the more i deduced that maybe rihanna had summed it up best with her hit song love the way you lie part ii when she belts out the line so maybe i m a masochist an emotional cutter of sorts i left her office feeling a new found sense of hope now that i had been made brutally aware of the things that had ultimately been leading to my slow demise i could make it a point to be substantially more aware of the men that i obviously needed to steer clear of i found myself at the mall one saturday afternoon about to hit up the semi annual sale at nordstrom i rationalized my day o spending by promising myself that i d dedicate an extra day volunteering and mentoring at the local big brother big sister program the following week i reckoned it was more than a fair trade off after i had made my purchases i figured i d done enough damage to my bank account so i began strolling off through the mall headed towards the exit as i maneuvered around one of the center kiosks s i made eye contact with the guy who was manning this particular booth he smiled at me so naturally i smiled back i couldn t help but notice that he was strikingly good looking the very epitome of tall dark and handsome he approached me with an air of confidence that i hadn t seen exhibited in a long time there was no beating around the bush no pretenses just a sense of poise and self assurance that immediately attracted me to him listen i know you don t know me but i have to have your phone number i d really like to take you on a date sometime instinctively i thought back to all of the hours of therapy i had sat through and all of the life lessons that i had hopefully learned in the process and i figured this guy was bound to be different than the last db i dated the one who put the i in narc i ss i st i nsecure and i nsens i t i ve i consented he picked me up on a moped which i thought was a little sophomoric but i figured i d remain buoyant and just pretend that i was audrey hepburn in the classic movie roman holiday and that on this night we would morph orem utah into our very own little italian getaway even when we pulled into the arby s parking lot i chose to remain sanguine dinner and we use that word loosely started out with the mainstream questions that one usually asks when out for the first time i found out he played rugby for the local college which would explain his incredibly toned physique after we got the typical run of the mill stuff out of the way i all of a sudden realized that it was extremely difficult to carry on a conversation with him it was almost as though instantaneously we had absolutely nothing in common i decided that he ranked high enough on the hotness scale that i couldn t give up on him just yet so i kept on plugging away i discovered rather quickly that every time i asked him a question his response usually had a one worded reply and then when he did have something to say i couldn t quite make out what he was trying to convey because it came out as one big gibberish unclear mess almost as if he were speaking in cajun tongue that is until i heard him mutter something about the number 18 when i asked him to recant what he had just said he looked up at me with a seemingly innocent expression and re announced that he had just turned the big ol 1 8 if your date is underage undatable posted by g j at 2 30 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels g saturday august 6 2011 men in pink f a s h i o n f endi a rmani s aks fifth avenue h ermès i ssey miyake o scar de la renta n ina ricci ever since i had the opportunity to sit front row wide eyed and star struck at the marc jacobs fashion show during the ever elite mercedes benz fashion week in new york city when i was 18 years old i ve been hooked my therapist prefers to refer to it as a closet addiction she s so funny with her play on words ta mate o toe mot o now that i have that all cleared up i d like to go on record as saying that i have zero expectations when it comes to the way my dates dress that s not to say that i don t desire him to take some sort of pride in his appearance but i m definitely not shallow or overly picky by any means which leads us up to my latest dating encounter mr richy mcmillionaire unquestionably lived up to his nickname this guy was l o a d e d he had made his millions in the stock market industry and was educated enough to pull his investments when the economy was taking a turn for the worse which left him with a rather substantial fortune what in the world did we gals do before google he had a huge home in the foothills of park city located in an exceedingly prestigious gated community he owned 4 very nice very expensive vehicles sports cars two words bugatti veyron lots and lots of boyz toyz a boat wave runners 4 wheelers etc etc etc but i believed the very best part was that we were being set up by mutual friends which i figured was a fairly safe bet because apparently we both had good taste in people which hopefully meant that we were bound to have other things in common he picked me up almost 30 minutes early but i suppose when you re driving the world s fastest car it s to be expected as i opened the door i hurriedly did a head to toe scan of sir richard virgin branson and was in awe over his well planned understated subtle look that he had put together and when i say he i of course mean his assistant he was wearing a fairly fitted pink affliction shirt that did have some slight embellishments on it but wasn t overly done or excessively disdainful it was fitted to the point that you could see he had a pretty ripped comparatively cut body i guess that idiosyncrasy that they say is true real men really can pull off pink he was sporting some true religion jeans that he happened to fill out quite nicely wink wink and almost instantly i caught a whiff of what i knew immediately to be clive christian cologne i only knew this because i had recently traveled to nyc where i attended an exhibit for the world s most expensive and this latest clive christian cologne had been show cased there retailing at almost 2 500 a bottle sheesh i was in love well almost the date went remarkably well so when he asked me if i d be interested in racing go karts the next evening i was excited for the possibilities i spent the day mulling over and contemplating what i would wear that night his sense of fashion seemed so effortless and i didn t want him to think that i was over thinking it so i played the casual but cute card to make sure it didn t seem like i was over doing it the doorbell rang and as i raced to answer it my heart skipped several beats due to my excitement i opened the door and there he stood in the exact same outfit as the night before i m sure the perplexed look caught him off guard but i was quick to greet him with a hug to cover up my state of confusion again the date was borderline majestic and as he walked me to the door he once again proceeded to ask me out for the following night i once again acquiesced he mentioned he held season tickets to the opera and asked if i d be interested in attending with him i readily agreed and figured that this would be a prime time to show him the eccentric classy lady like side of me formal gown and all i flung the door open in an anticipated moment of sheer elation when much to my bewilderment there he stood in the exact same fitted pink affliction shirt those unchanged true religion jeans that identical friggin cologne for a moment i literally thought i was in that classic cheesy bill murray movie groundhog s day how could this be how was it possible that a guy thought it totally fitting to wear this invariable outfit to a movie and then to race go karts and finally to attend a formal opera i couldn t quite wrap my head around it but thought it best not to utter a single solitary word on the subject and just go with it mr wierd o mcneverchangeshisclothes was out of town for the next couple of weeks on business but made sure to contact me methodically through phone calls email texts and facebook late one night i received a notification that he had written on my wall as i clicked on his profile and started going through some of the pictures of all of his recent incredible world wide traveling adventures i became painfully aware of the fact that in every one of his pictures he was wearing the subsequent outfit mentioned previously including to his own grandmother s funeral if your date wears the same clothes every day of the year undatable posted by g j at 9 50 am 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels g saturday july 9 2011 stressed spelled backwards is desserts coincidence although my nickname in high school was becky home ec y and i did love a good homno ho me m aking n ight o ut as much as the next girl i wouldn t go as far as to say i was a food connoisseur by any stretch of the imagination i did however thoroughly enjoy baking and had learned that for me spending time in the kitchen was tremendously therapeutic and salutary i found myself in the kitchen one particular morning dressed in my bedazzled apron armed and ready with my kitchenaid measuring cups spoons and bowls all to concoct a scrumptious enchanting summer y dessert to take with me to a family picnic that my current flavor of the month had invited me to his overly protective incredibly fake syrupy sweet mom had asked if i would bring a dessert and because i consider myself an extreme overachiever i of course was happy to oblige i spent the next few hours stirring mixing taste tasting and measuring my way to what i deemed ge s explosion in the mouth achievement twss it was delicious i had created a light dulcet and fluffy trifle that was interspersed with mounds of fresh fruit i then came up with a perfect combination of a whipped cream cream cheese mixture that i layered with a homemade moist lemon cake that when amalgamated together was like a fusion of epic proportion it was a hit naturally which instantly gave me a celebrity esque status at his family gathering so much so that as we were gathering up our things to leave for the night his mom pulled me aside and after ranting and raving over the dessert i had brought kindly asked if i would be willing to make it again for a work party that she was hosting at the end of the following week now all of you girls out there i m sure are well aware of how thoroughly erratic the majority of the mother s of the boys that we date can be which customarily means that we ll go to great lengths to try and impress them when given the op...