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ame in the span of a week and a half b is none too keen to even discuss the idea of any future additions to the grail household he has informed me that he does not want any future fertility treatment ever not that i was going to run out and grab some clomid or anything but i was a bit put out anyway i can t fault his reasoning so i m just letting it go for now for now i understand that he s worried about his babies and he needs to work that out in his mind before he is comfortable with the idea that their issues are not genetic we will have to have an extended discussion on the topic later because really does met count as treatment for if or treatment for ir i really need to go back on my met for the ir but i m not going to be that woman who starts if treatment without the knowledge of her spouse and if he s truly that worried about the possibility of problems with a future babe even metformin without birth control would feel like a betrayal of the sacred grail matrimonial trust we haven t had that indepth discussion yet but i m sure it ll be blog fodder for the future and by then i ll have figured out where my head is in that discussion we d already decided any future if treatment would be met and the good ole if it happens it happens but hearing b say it in such a definitive way made me realize that i definitely do want one more and some part of my mind had already formed a plan b if plan a didn t work b is much closer to the our family is complete mindset than i am i m sure that one will work out too and it s not like i haven t got enough going on as it is that i m even worrying about future grail lets just yet because despite the fact that future children are an as yet unresolved discussion in our house we do have a furry new addition just in case p bean s clingy stranger anxiety phase and g s constant need for mama attention isn t enough we have a puppy now i had this great little rent a pup scheme going on that totally backfired i was doing a little puppy sitting for a guy on b s ship which worked out well b s friend didn t have to worry about what to do with his dog when the ship sailed the kids got a little fuzzball to play with on occasion and i got a reminder that no matter how cute a fuzzball is i didn t want one fulltime and then the fuzzball s owner came to the realization that puppies are a big commitment they take a lot of work and a lot of time and if you take a baby who is of a breed that is rather big and rather attention needy and leave him home for hours on end destruction ensues as he grows so does the destruction and the next thing i knew we had a puppy and now that puppy is chewing on pb s cute little hair bow and pb is squawking her displeasure did i mention the bow is still on pb s head i think that s my reminder that my blog time is up i have pics of puppy of kids or both if anyone s interested i m slogging my way through a couple months of bloglines and hope to be caught up soon and with a bit of luck and maybe even some non breast inspired inspiration i ll actually start blogging here again i m not entirely sure where she got the idea that my ta tas are nah nahs but that s what she calls em i refuse to put that one in the baby book as bean s first word but there it is yeah i do know one of those posted by r at 5 39 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday january 16 2008 pardon my rambling so i was talking to my neighbor yesterday before i go into this probably i should mention that she s a decent person and i do like her sometimes she just doesn t fully engage her brain before her mouth opens or maybe she s just prone to voicing things that other people only think and wouldn t actually say out loud either way she s not a bad person hell i have those flaws sometimes too ok a lot of times anyhow neighbor was holding p bean and mentioned that she s been thinking a lot about whether they should have another baby p bean is naturally a perfect babe and inspires these thoughts in people people other than me i mean her very perfection fills me with terror what if i ve achieved the pinnacle of reproduction and anything more would be pushing my luck as it turns out my neighbor is also worried that asking for a third perfect child would be too much seeing as how she s already got two perfect kids i kinda misunderstood that one i thought she was worried because she s got two really well behaved children and hell that doesn t really happen three times now does it no as it turns out my neighbor is worried about genetic perfection because you know she s just turned 30 and her risk for down syndrome increases after 35 i swear this woman keeps forgetting that i m older than she is apparently she also forgets that her longest period of trying for a baby was 3 months because she s worried about a theoretical risk five years in the future i know that this is one of those things that women worry about although maybe not as vocally or as horrified as neighbor with all the talk about advanced maternal age and risks and all like there s some switch that gets flipped at midnight on the eve of a woman s 35th birthday whereupon her ovaries turn into that proverbial pumpkin and the uterine fairy godmother runs off with prince charming leaving this poor advanced aged woman s reproductive organs adrift and directionless i guess but this just doesn t seem like a big fear to me it s a potential and not an actual i m working extra hard this year to only worry about the things that are actualities and not stress over potentials most of us have enough actual problems that we don t need to worry about the maybes i know an awful lot of people that have been struggling to wrap their minds around their children s individual challenges lately things that seem small to an outsider or at least not big if not exactly small either it s something that i ve been struggling with lately g has a few quirks that can be difficult maybe they re not as obvious to the general public as down syndrome but they are as obvious to me as if they were branded on his forehead i just want his life to be easy i want him to fit in and to be one of the kids most recently i ve been struggling to wrap my mind around g s speech problem seems like a small fear doesn t it i mean he s bright and healthy his physical development has been perfect but he just can t seem to make his mouth work the way his brain does we ve made great strides in his communication and he can generally get his point across to the people who matter but i learned a long time ago that speech and communication do not mean the same thing or as his speech therapist summed it up he compensates well true that he does if he can t be understood he will go into a torrent of descriptive phrases and charade expertly combining words and pantomime until his audience can figure out what he s trying to say problem is this only works if the audience is as determined as he is other kids they aren t generally so persistent if they can t understand him they go one of two ways either they give up on talking and just play without too many words or they give up on him that is not what i want for my son what may seem like a small fear to others has become a big deal in my everyday life it hits like a physical blow when i hear people comment on g most commonly i hear things like what s wrong with him although there was that one memorable little boy at the park who wanted to know if he was speaking chinese kinda makes me want to scream see g s speech problem is almost exclusively with articulation his vocabulary is above average his receptive language is just fine in english that means he understands every damn thing people say about him during one of his evaluations the psychologist mentioned that before g starts kindergarten she wants me to bring him in for an iq test so that i will have actual numbers to bring to school because the schools have been known to make assumptions about intelligence based on ability to speak that hurt too i expect that from random kids at the park i don t like it but they re not exactly trained professionals so hey it s not like they know better but his school sigh they have warned me that his school will expect less of him that he will have problems reading because of his speech that this will be a long uphill battle that will take probably years of intensive therapy to conquer and will likely involve therapy for his self esteem as well as this will all take a toll on him what the hell it s a flippin speech problem when all this started i figured he d get a little speech therapy once or twice a week and in a few months things would be just ducky he got speech once a week for the first six months twice a week for the next year and a half they ve just increased him to four times a week two group sessions two individual with plans to increase that to five times a week two group three individual my saving grace is that they expect he will overcome this obstacle some day he will talk and be understood i don t expect he will ever completely blend in to the crowd because his personality doesn t encourage that sort of thing but i love that he will have that option if he wants it i realize that is a gift and while i m doing all this realizing i realize that if anyone had told me years ago that i d consider a speech problem a big deal a life altering struggle i d have rolled my eyes and called em an ass hat as i am wont to do so really i guess every fear is a valid fear but my couple weeks late resolution still stands valid or not i will not worry about things that have not happened that said i know that as big as g s speech problem seems it would not have stopped me from wanting him perhaps we have achieved reproductive perfection in pb perhaps any future child would have a newer scarier big problem perhaps he or she would have a known big problem or a known small problem or not i m not going to let that make my decision for me when b comes home in just a few short weeks we re planning on starting the pre trying trying i ll explain that phrase in my next posting this one has been exhausting to type out and i m not really in a mindset where i can switch gears to another new topic immediately this got a little more involved than i d intended for announcing that we d decided to bite the bullet and consider attempting another baby in this lifetime this decade even no matter how scary it seems posted by r at 9 41 am 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels g holy shite here we go again parenting monday december 10 2007 holy ass hat i saw my gp the other day so that she could tweak my meds cause my blood pressure is still too high first instead of just increasing my dosage she switched my blood pressure meds because she didn t think the one i was taking was safe for a breastfeeding mom no problem it s not like it was really working for me anyway right then she started in on my zoloft i believe her exact words were you do realize that your baby is getting that too right in this tone of voice like i was being selfish for needlessly exposing my baby to medication pardon my language but what the fuck i had just finished telling her that my ob prescribed the zoloft for postpartum depression so she knew that a this was something the ob prescribed and presumably they should know about lactation and b i have postpartum depression she didn t ask me about the severity of my ppd not very or if i had discussed the risk vs benefit with the ob i had just snapped off that little remark it scares me to think that some day this ass hat might make the same judgmental comment to a mom who is suffering from severe ppd who hasn t done the research to confirm that her medication is safe who decides to stop taking necessary meds based on one nasty gp who seems to think that ppd isn t worth treating or maybe it was the breastfeeding that she thought should go rather than the treatment either way her information was inaccurate i ve complained about her and i hope that someone in her chain of command can educate her she is after all a military gp statistically speaking military wives are more likely to suffer from ppd she should already know how this works ass hat posted by r at 7 05 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday november 30 2007 4 months today no that s not p bean s age it s how long b s been gone i am so ready for him to come home i m having such a hard time with the holidays this year mel had a great post the other day about the emotional minefield of christmas during if or rather the emotional minefield of if during christmas so true it s a tough time of year whenever your family isn t complete or is complete enough but isn t together tonight g was marveling at the neighborhood lights he thought the lights meant that it was christmas no not yet people put their lights out early because they re excited that christmas will be here in a few weeks and then he asked why we didn t have any lights outside our house because sweet boy that s your dad s thing and maybe because your mom is not all that excited it s a huge reminder of everything that b s missing for the first few months i just didn t think about what b was missing i couldn t think about it and he couldn t think about anything else he has missed pb s first smile laugh and her first tears g s first day of pre k that sweet and indefinable moment where he pulled out his independence and stood on his own as just one of the big kids and the everyday moments of two little ones learning how siblings interact g started pre k the day before t giving i emailed b lots of pictures and happily reported that no one had cried he emailed me back with just two words except me ouch that s what i think of every time someone tells me that it must be hard having him gone yeah it s hard but it s nothing compared to what he s going through _ _ _ ok i wrote all that last week with the intention of actually finishing it i had sorta even planned on working in the point i actually sat down to write which was that b i had that always fun state of the union discussion re family planning and i ve been trying to write about it ever since twice i ve sat down to work through it in my mind and my keyboard and twice i managed to write an entire post without once mentioning the actual subject i d intended to discuss obviously it s not an easy thing for me to think through else i d have written the post and published it and been done already so maybe next time usually we have enough lights strung around the front yard to qualify us for the hall of shame posted by r at 9 57 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday november 27 2007 d is for drummer every flippin time i think i m going to blog more life happens and then all the great anecdotes and topics i think of just fall outta my head before ...