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Text of the page (random words):
ses my father had committed against us your response was always the same hit him in the pocketbook men are pigs and let me tell you a story but i was beginning to see a different history pop out in front of me with every mutter every groan and every help me butch that was delaying the start of my mother s funeral i was startled by my new feelings i was startled by any feelings that weren t rage or sadness actually i just never expected or anticipated that i would feel this annoyance and antipathy towards my maternal grandmother my mother s funeral would be the last place i would have guessed these feelings could come out how in the hell could i have seen this coming five years ago holy shit my mentors in aa had told me that more would be revealed but how many other lies had i been telling myself just to square my family s story with my own how much alcohol did it take until i could adopt the victimization and misfortune of their histories as my own and keep from vomiting it all back up what was coming into focus as each trauma was reconciled with alan was that i had been throwing up all over my new friends in texas all along friends who dutifully told me to keep coming back and to focus on the feelings of others blah blah blah i thought if you only understood my story i would counter inside my head and then quickly chide myself to hush also new was that i was beginning to lose dear friends with whom i had felt the comfort of connection i was feeling disloyal but i had to be true to myself now too their behavior was either inappropriate abusive or insensitive and i wasn t going to be shouted down or accommodating towards behavior that i was feeling injured by or that i could see was injuring to others i wasn t just listening and reacting any longer i was listening hearing and responding i was feeling like a whole person and frankly i was liking it i could choose the time and place for any and all confrontations they however were not liking it not one bit mostly at work i was finding myself acting passive aggressively towards authority figures and getting upset when they would retaliate my moods were becoming increasingly depressed and disconnected those feelings of peaceful assurance comfort and posthumous connection at my paternal grandmother s funeral years before were vacant at my own mother s celebration of life i had no idea whom she really was i only knew bits and pieces of her story in spite of feeling deeply connected to her and her life i knew she was a sick person who could never seem to get well but i would be damned if i would allow anyone else to tell me her story in their own words they had no right to generalize or smear her memory making it into something sullen or unworthy how dare you the pastor who presided over the post funeral memorial was not amused should i be surprised that a fundamentalist evangelical pastor steeped in the unerring word of god would annoy me to the point of exasperation give me that damn microphone stooge i was done being quick to see where religious people were right this monologue of horror was not going to be a part of my mother s memorial unchallenged the shelby fight that dates back to the revolutionary and civil wars had rendered me powerless and void of any other options this was a very strange emotional response regarding the memories of my mother whom i had spent a great deal of energy during this time resenting the hell out of resenting her for setting my father up to fail manipulating all of us into feeling sorry for her lot in life meanwhile no one else in the family could get any attention for being as ill or sicker than she was the self centeredness of her condition had been sickening indeed up until this time i had blamed my father for all of this dysfunction in concert with my mother as if he could have brought salvation to a table that even medical science had abandoned to a proverbial junk pile of complaints thought to be the mutterings of the mentally ill i could finally feel compassion for my father whom i had left for dead for some reason for as long as i could remember i was never a good enough son and yet i still labored for him and was beginning to feel like he might actually be proud of me like i might actually be bringing something important to the altar of his life while i had treated him so harshly out of loyalty to my mother the only gift this loyalty had ever afforded me was an unconscious drive to jump down the throats of the women in my life whomsoever dared to utter a discouraging word towards me or at my behavior given my epigenetic or genetic predilection this had amounted to a great deal of conflict agitation and suffering but this is my story now and all aspects and people who operate within it are sacred to me tread lightly and gently or face the wrath of the almighty what s left of greg whoever that was is or will be phase i of trt took me the longest of the five years i spent vomiting all over alan there were laughter and tears but alan was also prescribed a sulfa drug by the veterans administration the reaction to which rendered his pancreas null and void or maybe it was stage ii diabetes all along i do not know what i do know is the man absorbed much of the toxic content of my miserable existence digested it and fed it back to me in a form that helped me make sense of it all at some point in the process and the unfolding of my own health issues i no longer felt like jesus himself had flicked a booger that stuck to my forehead most of my life i felt many if not all of my missing emotions as a result thoughts and insights were coming to me that were long dormant more was being revealed just as my aa friends had promised the first was an absolute disgust with the narcissism of authority figures that i was working for one was not lost on me and my direct confrontation of his behavior against a former less narcissistic boss had inflamed my misdirected passion now that narcissist was coming after me we had won the texas quality award as a company and the malcolm baldrige award too but it was no thanks to this self satisfied sower of derision and division or so i thought the thing about hypothyroidism and a concomitant mood disorder is everything is steeped in this dark and foreboding background whether it truly is so or not the normal response is to get into the light as quickly as possible not turn around and fight a buzzsaw much larger than one s self but that was not the lesson my mother had taught me over the years nor was it a lesson in keeping with my ukrainian dna we simply fight especially if we are outgunned because we are in the right what is right and just must be the good whether it is for the best or not the war and the battle is to make what is the good become what is best bringing this mentality into absolutely every battle no matter how petty and small should logically force the good to come to pass but even if this was the case i was not seeing this conclusion bear any fruit and yet i persevered insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results when one earnestly believes that they can make substitute with perseverance what they lack in skill there is absolutely no end to what they cannot do life lesson numero uno and so it was that i quit this job in the banking services industry after two years and went back into educational testing albeit under a substantially disadvantaged condition my ego was back in charge in its way of seeing spiritual matters its deft construction and sturdy constitution had proven sturdy enough to finish trt instill a conscious palpable fear of death over a job well done and now it was given a chance to manage other human beings seven senior programmer analysts in a field in which my ego had had a not inconsequential thirteen years of battle hardened expertise in getting the job done not making believe that i was getting the job done that this ego of mine still wanted the pelts of backward theory x managers on its own wall dripping dry of blood and oil was just a minor detail and not something to deter further ambition for me when ambition is not deterred it winds up being detoured and within a year of being promoted to one of several new managers with a number of successes under my belt i and the manager who was thoughtful enough to hire me were asked to leave the premises with or without security s assistance the choice was mine how kind of you i thought i wanted blood i wanted death to my enemies i wanted everything but to accept that what i was enduring was some pale neutral form of justice my friends took my firearms from my home and kept me close to their thoughts as i fell completely apart at yep you guessed it thirteen years of sobriety actually the fall the deadman s drop really began at 11 years but it took two more years before my bottom was complete and my neck had begun its final snap i was selling cable television and phone for a criminal organization whose name rhymed with crimewarner and found myself nearly losing my mind with zero adjusted gross income for this most auspicious of years i was learning much that my college diploma was supposed to have defended me from but i had gone deaf in the three years from trap door to final destination the battering and the choking over the tragedies of 9 11 2001 and the conclusions i had to reach about those events left much for me to uncoil while all the war profiteers were making money hand over fist i was left losing my ass as were many others at one point on the south side of san antonio near dusk the following conversation took place would you like me to show you how you can save money with cable and phone are jew chure jew should be on dis sida town afta dark heuro undeterred i pressed forward we have a 59 dollar special going on for one more day i knows some peepul who would chute chew for feefty eight dollahs do you have their address obviously i hadn t heard a damn word people were saying to me much less processed it for actual meaning my unconscious was crying out for death by any means necessary i could not believe what my eyes were telling me was happening on that note i was in luck as no one else s eyes were telling them anything believable either study the nightly newscast videotapes if they still exist from about 1998 through 2005 or 6 listen carefully and you will understand what i heard and it was nothing about what everyone could plainly see with their lying eyes i do not know what other people do when they are left twisting at the end of a rope but i decided my friends were probably right after all and i should invest in myself start that graduate studies program in communication and the interwebs because hell i m just hanging out here anyway twisting in the breeze the ill wind just kept blowing for what seemed to be months but it was actually weeks and right at the moment where all hope was gone and economic death seemed imminent a miracle took place something i did not deserve something i was not entitled to claim something i did not and could not have earned of myself and all my ego s hard work it just appeared because one other person believed in me as much if not more than i had believed in myself my aa sponsor jim wiley called me up to his one bedroom flat at the local home for seniors who preferred the freedom to die and the possibility of dying from having one last orgasm it was a well appointed nine story building with three distinct wings wrapped inside of what would have passed for a disney tomorrowland sort of building circa 1957 the downstairs entryway was always a polished black marble with several marble and brass appointments that i never paid close attention to because i was entering the building either in a hurry to pick jim up for a meeting or my ass was on fire and i was looking for some help putting it out this day it was the latter but most importantly jim had initiated the abatement the elevator smelled of rust and mold like all big buildings do after 20 years of placing a non profit non religious organization in charge of its upkeep apparently it takes the fear or love of god to do more than the perfunctory dusting vacuuming and sanitization that is required in most states of the us inevitably the ventilation ducts carry the secrets of decline and collective grief of a gift wrapped senior living warehouse hi jim i recall uttering as i opened the door at his behest he sat on the far side of the room by the window with a magnificent view of both the parking lot and the skyline of the north side of san antonio just inside of loop 410 come here and sit down across from me he said touching the sofa across from his red upholstered barcalounger this of course forced me to view the photograph of his getting blessed by john paul ii on my way to the red love seat how are you feeling today he asked somewhat rhetorically well jim i m about to get fired for not making enough sales in my job selling door to door last night they were calling on top of my route with their telephone sales reps to limit my on the ground productivity they have me shadowed by my manager further adding pressure but on a positive note utsa accepted my application for graduate school in communication i just don t know how i ll pay for it since i can t collect unemployment and grants aren t structured to pay living expenses sounds like you need a miracle jim added forlornly noting the time on his wristwatch he almost never wore we just stared at each other in the eyes as we often did when there wasn t any more to be said within a few moments jim s cellphone rang he asked me to pick it up for him which i did hello jim asked it s for you he said giving me his cellphone i don t remember much of that phone call other than jim wanted me to believe that it was a god thing a miracle i was scheduled for an interview with a local consulting company that had ties with local millionaires and at the behest most likely of a local billionaire war hero and visible owner of a local professional sports organization from that day forward my life would be rescued from the garbage pile of overly ambitious programmers who dared to work their program and stay sober in spite of their best efforts to destroy themselves it would have taken a local billionaire with considerable influence to employ an it developer who had been out of the profession for some three years i was just twisting in the breeze rotting inside a husk of my former self i had been black balled in town just as my former employer had promised nearly a decade prior when i dared cross the threshold of his company with less than an enthusiastic embrace of a work ethic not duplicated anywhere except maybe silicon valley or a southern plantation but for astronomically smaller compensation or promise a retired college professor in the aa program told me after i explained my 13 year journey in educational testing that the reason why the fights in the academy are so ...