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Text of the page (random words):
a comment mama i dont have the courage or the words to articulate my discoveries to you in our language so maybe someday as you grow your technology skills day by day you might stumble along this page and google translate the best that google can in my 22 years of life we have never said the words i love you to each other although i do i remember some painful times in my childhood when i screamed that i hated you ran and slammed doors the past few days were tough on me i always knew i had daddy issues but it never crossed my mind that since that 4am experience in the hills of aiea in the winter of 2008 that i have not acknowledged what i began to feel for you that day you are strong but in pain you are powerful and not in the least responsible for your trauma in my dreams i am screaming i am five years old and screaming when i first recognized my fear of being around the two of you when i learned of the word divorce i am screaming a new thought has arose from my deep unconscious if you had left then we wouldnt be so damaged today but i understand thank you for making the choices you thought you had to make to ensure our survival but now we can let go and not only think of survival but live life mama im going to make you proud i will move mountains and rid us of our chains i love you a new year january 7 2013 leave a comment yikes it s been about a year and a half since i last posted on my blog you can just tell by the content of the last post well dear avid wayawayaan wordpress com readers i have a proposition whereas i have been negligent of my wordpress be it resolved i will post by the 20th of every month in the year of 2013 dear readers i know you re out there please hold me accountable if you know me personally send me a text or email letting me know how you miss my musings if you have no idea who is behind this blog write a comment because comments go straight to my phone and give me so much guilt that i will hop on to write a heartfelt post within the day i will not use this space to reflect on 2012 i did that in the latter months already i have made strides towards bettering myself and the following resolutions reflect my resolve to continue on this path with that being said other resolutions make personal due dates for tasks that are important to me and share it with others either through email or by posting them on my wall at work this way i will be accountable to myself and to everyone i shared with completed tasks will be rewarded with 3 second cabbage patch dances with everyone in a 5 yard radius call my best friends 2 times a month at the very least this three month hiatus business is not okay 2mac for liiiiife ask my mother how she is doing once per month don t get crazy we starting small by the 15th of every month get 8 hours of sleep at least 4 nights of the week i know that s a lot to ask but so necessary limit myself to not spending more than 30 a month in the winter for cabs 10 max per month in spring summer fall i pay ridiculous amounts for unlimited metrocards for a reason we need nationalized transportation and education and healthcare jussayintho at the end of every week i will post a new task list for the next week on my bulletin board at work i will not eat fastfood more than 3 times a month this is especially hard for me missing class because i overslept is unacceptable i am only allowed to do this once for the entire year oh my gosh what am i getting into can i say twice like once per semester eeeeeeeeeeeeee imma stick to it my one day will rollover into 2014 if i stay disciplined dress appropriately to everything no more wearing t shirts to meetings although my converses with slacks swag is non negotiable buy my textbooks before the semester is about to end this was a financial issue before but i am hoping that with this resolution i will plan accordingly get out i cannot spend entire weeks in the bronx without the excuse of snow days cabin fever is a real thing spend time with friends outside of work stop talking about work for one day go out dancing because i love to dance who wants to go dancing i like salsa merengue and baccata my b girl days are over no more hip hop swag to the clubs im too old to be headspinning these days take me in a dress january blog post done independence day july 7 2011 leave a comment i did not celebrate 4th of july as the conventional average american celebrates us independence day or even philippine american friendship day instead i thought about those who fight fought for genuine sovereignty and independence and relaxed on the beach because it was my last day before work at an anti imperialist vegan bbq a painting was born she is a liberation fighter the baybayin says makibaka or struggle makibaka is also the women s organization founded by lorena barros after the first quarter storm lorena was a poet and activist who was forced to go underground during the marcos regime and joined the new people s army in the vast sea of heroes that we hear of every day i think it s important that we commemorate really strong women in history thus makibaka the painting was born from the brush tips of waya and fida a june 13 2011 2 comments exuding from her body like a fire through her eyes a story passed down from her mother and her mother s father generations of strength and might in the light i see her glowing like a million stars nothing can pull her down she has already seen sorrow in the night i see her tire but she is relentless passion mixed with worry she is concerned for tomorrow i feel her warmth standing next to me gripping like she will never let go as much as i feel like i should be the protector she assures me that i am safe safe from a repetition of the story that has been passed through her blood woman warrior she is almighty yet her heart she has hidden only soft smiles let loose as the traffic jam in her mind remains gridlocked she has made me feel like never before her silence is like suffering but i will remain struggling assata june 1 2011 leave a comment i m currently reading assata an autobiography so i will be posting quotes rather frequently here s the first quote that struck me it s not just a quote but a passage from a letter assata wrote and recorded on tape to air on the radio while she was incarcerated black brothers black sisters i want you to know that i love you and i hope that somewhere in your hearts you have love for me my name is assata shakur slave name joanne chesimard and i am a revolutionary a black revolutionary by that i mean that i have declared war on all forces that have raped our women castrated our men and kept our babies empty bellied i have declared war on the rich who prosper on our poverty the politicians who lie to us with smiling faces and all the mindless heart less robots who protect them and their property i am a black revolutionary and as such i am a victim of all the wrath hatred and slander that amerika is capable of like all other black revolutionaries amerika is trying to lynch me i am a black revolutionary woman and because of this i have been charged with and accused of every alleged crime in which a woman was believed to have participated the alleged crimes in which only men were supposedly involved i have been accused of planning they have plastered pictures alleged to be me in post offices airports hotels police cars subways banks television and newspapers they have offered over fifty thousand dollars in rewards for my capture and they have issued orders to shoot on sight and shoot to kill i am a black revolutionary and by definition that makes me a part of the black liberation army black revolutionaries do not drop from the moon we are created by our conditions shaped by our oppression we are being manufactured in droves in the ghetto streets places like attica san quentin bedford hills leavenworth and sing sing they are turning out thousands of us many jobless black veterans and welfare mothers are joining our ranks brothers and sisters from all walks of life who are tired of suffering passively make up the bla there is and always will be until every black man woman and child is free a black liberation army the main function of the blackliberation army at this time is to create good examples to struggle for black freedom and to prepare for the future we must defend ourselves and let no one disrespect us we must gain our liberation by any means necessary it is our duty to fight for our freedom it is our duty to win we must love each other and support each other we have nothing to lose but our chains self portrait may 31 2011 leave a comment you throw your chin to the sky and squeeze your eyelids together to keep out the evils from entering your mind you let beautiful strangers touch you because it is better than feeling the persistant perpetual peeling at your skin from rough calused hands that should have been used to scare potential boyfriends and bullies vying to hurt you instead those hands stole the nights of your pre adolescent years you prayed for the pitch darkness so that recognition was impossible but cognition was irrepairable and submission was inevitable today you stand up for victims and survivors but refuse to acknowledge yourself as one you feel like it couldnt have been as bad as the next persons experience but deep down inside you are screaming you are left barely afloat floundering for a hand that you do not distrust to let into your closed off heart hands that you are not afraid of of your many standards most important are hands that are soft and delicate you will never be with a man or a female guitar player you stare at the mirror to make sure that no man will want you but as men are your ass will always be on their mind fear of attention clouds fear of conceitedness because it is real and every time a man walks by and whistles or hollers or says hey mami you feel for the knife that once used to be clipped inside your front pants pocket urges of violent reaction washing over you as if no amount of consequences and jail time could hinder you from gripping the plastic handle and flicking a blade to ultimately prove who is more powerful or stupid with a weapon from which there is no return no handcuffs or logic could make sense to you as your mind envisions stabbing at the genitals of the gyrating half human demonstrating his manhood on the subway bus or danceclub triggering images of rough calused hands creeping under your night gown in the dead of the night that made you more comfortable to sleep in buttoned jeans and scratchy sweaters in the ninety degree tropical climate of your room triggering feeling unsanitary and alone when you are suffocated and bare spending hours in the shower to scrub away the lasting impressions of years of rough calused hands against your young skin triggering feelings of intense fear and vulnerability when older men stand too close or smile or place their large rough calused hands on your waist anger flowing violently in your veins drive you to clench fists and breathe shallow as you remind yourself that they are friends not all men are disgusting but believing nothing of your own mantra you wonder how you will get through days when friends joke of rape and incest topics too real for you to ever find funny triggering feelings of foolishness as you become the downer of the party because you are having a moment when you dont feel like being in dark places with older men they will never understand your fears as you run away to the bathroom just to breathe deep breaths telling yourself that youre okay deep breaths telling yourself that nobody will hurt you deep breaths to tell yourself to believe in your own lies child of the horrors unbeknownst to friends child of abuse you will never be okay but you will always be strong even in times of genuine weakness kinabukasan november 13 2010 leave a comment bukas sana just wages for workers just compensation for farmers sapat na budget para sa mga eskuwelahan malaya ang mga morong 43 healthworkers the missing are surfaced justice exists but this isn t real bukas siguro the workers are still laboring in harsh conditions the farmers get gypped for their toiling wala pa rin ginagawa si noynoy tungkol sa 43 na manggagawang pangkalusugan wala pa rin ang mga nawawala wala pa rin ang hustisya eto ang bukas na ayaw kong makita pero eto siguro ang bukas pero bukas katulad ngayon tuloy pa rin kami ng pag kilos we will still continue shouting writing fighting hanggang malaya ang lipunan hanggang malaya ang buong daigdig nasaan po ang cr november 9 2010 leave a comment i went to find on saturday at fordham university in the bronx find is an east coast filipino organization but i don t know what the acronym means and i m too lazy to look it up anyway this entry is not about find this entry is my random vent about how bathrooms should be more obvious the conference was being conducted in the gym my table was in the far back i had to use the bathroom bad warning stop reading if you get queasy at the mention of bowel movements to be honest i had to poo for a long time i used to be very irregular but once i came back from the philippines i go on a daily basis kind of annoying today well saturday was just another day where i had to look for a bathroom where i could release my pent up frustrations and bodily waste and i was off off to explore the world of the fordham university athletics building for a bathroom before i even got mid way through the gym to get to the exit i ran into steve i said my hi s how are you s and where is the bathroom he simply replied go straight ahead okay thanks i was going straight ahead as instructed when i came to racketball courts and locker rooms i remember my kasamas before telling me that they had a hard time finding the bathroom but went to the locker rooms so i decided i was in the right area there was another student a little way ahead of me towards the end of the hall where locker rooms were on the left and racketball courts on the right were he was also looking for the bathroom it seemed that s when a helpful find fordham student came to the rescue are you looking for the bathroom we the lost ones nod our heads come with me he says while waving his arm towards him as soon as i step toward him he says oh the women s bathroom is around here you have to use a locker room i think what so much for being helpful i mean he was to the other dude but it s fine how can i expect a boy to help me out so i go deeper into the hallway women s locker room blah blah sign on a door that clearly stated it was a men s locker room too much uncertainty for me so i kept going aha women s locker room faculty oh no i m no teacher so i kept walking i m at the end of the hall when i find women s locker room administration crap that s even worse so i go back and decide to use the faculty women s locker room i did a swift check listened for others and went on to the bathroom happy that i was alone i peed that s when i...