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description=Remembering Malou Amelia;

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Text of the page (random words):
ost i haven t even written happy birthday my darling girl somehow i don t think she minds it has never been about the day she died may 26th or the day she was born may 28th or the day of her funeral june 7th or the day we buried her july 4th or the day she was due july 24th but it s always been about her her beautiful innocent soul and the transformative power she has had over my life it s about the intense all consuming love and pride i have felt being her mother which i have felt since the day i found out i was pregnant with her november 18th 2007 dates have always meant something to me i m not sure why but i know i am entering the season of malou where she is on my mind even more than usual no one knows how much i see her and feel her in every single part of my life i have integrated it into the way i live so i honestly don t notice it anymore it feels natural to think of her and see her beautiful face in my mind in even the most mundane situations i wouldn t mind sharing with anyone who asks but i no longer need to share the how and why that a smell or or a specific street or a type of bird or a song or a glimpse of my sons or niece or nephew bring me right into a memory of my girl back when i wrote this blog regularly i needed to share and you were all here listening and holding me up i am still so grateful for that and now i am continuing on a path leading me further and further away from the day i saw malou amelia s face but at the same time i believe with all my heart also leading to the day where somehow i will see her again in the meantime i am trying to live my life in a way that honors all the malou amelia taught me i try to be compassionate with others and myself focus on the good and fill my heart with love let go and forgive the mistakes of others and myself be open and vulnerable and always ready to connect with people today when we visited malou s grave we walked past a man planting a tree in a nearby cemetery plot and had a wonderful conversation we connected with him over the love we have for the people no one else can see over the fact that love and connection doesn t die just because a heart stops beating the thing is though i fail i fail every day at being the person i would want malou amelia to see my messy imperfect life is full of failure and impatience and tears and insecurity and worry but messy and imperfect means my life is also full and that i am willing to take chances on something new even if that risks failure and my impatience means there are opportunities to learn and forgive and my tears mean there is passion and emotion and my insecurity and worry means i am always trying to to do best i feel this blog post coming to an end and yet i am not sure if i have said what i want to say that s a change usually this blog as helped me process things and every post has led me somewhere i needed to go maybe that means today 8 years out i am beginning to find full peace and acceptance in what has happened and therefore i have less of a need to process things as such i am not sure but i am sure malou amelia was meant to be my daughter and i wish more than anything our life turned out differently and she was here with us and i woudn t have to answer liam s questions but why did she die over and over because there is no good answer and when there is no good answer an inquisitive little boy will keep asking the question trying to make sense of it someday he too will come to the conclusion that there is no sense in it but there is still beauty and value and worth and love in the short life that was his sister s happy 8th birthday my darling girl my entire heart is filled with love for you now and forever i hope you are safe and happy and content and completely surrounded by peace and love published in uncategorized on may 28 2016 at 22 02 leave a comment 7 years down 7 years ago malou amelia was born i remember back then getting to know of people who had survived the stillbirth of their child and not being able to imagine myself so far out i couldn t see that time would march on and life would go on and joy would return it just wasn t comprehensible and now here i am i have survived my daughter died i lost two small babies in the making i birthed two healthy boys i lost my marriage i found love again what do they say what doesn t kills you makes you stronger i don t love cliches but there is a bit of truth i think in this one some things you want to kill you but they don t some things you don t want to learn from but you do sometimes you want life to move faster to escape the pain or move backwards to find happiness again but life just keeps going on at its same steady pace we have no choice our only choice is to keep waking up breathing and slowly but surely the amazing spirit of life pushes us on and with some luck life becomes good again i wish that for all of my fellow babyloss mamas and all of the people i know right now who are living through their own tragedies we all have them some of us luck out a little more than others but none of us can deny that life is hard it has its trials it ends but it can also be so so sweet one of the sweetest blessings in my life is my daughter happy birthday to my beautiful silent daughter i hope you are looking down from somewhere peaceful and you see how many people in this world love you i can t wait to see you some day but wait i will 7 years down i promise i will live each year until i see you with joy and love and adventure and i will take you along in my heart wherever i go until we meet again published in uncategorized on may 28 2015 at 09 00 comments 3 happy 6th birthday malou amelia my darling daughter today is your birthday six years has lessened the pain but not the intensity of my love for you you have taught me about love compassion strength and what how to keep focused on what really matters you continue teaching me even though time marches on i am so grateful to be your mother your big little brother liam has been asking about you a lot recently we watched some balloons float up into the sky and he exclaimed they re on their way to malou i couldn t help but agree he hears church bells and thinks of you he knows it s your birthday this week and will fight with nohi to decide who gets to blow them out he asks to see you and look at your pictures and tries to understand something i cannot explain why are you not here with us all i can do is reassure him what i believe that someday we will see you in heaven as always on your birthday we blow out a candle for you to celebrate your life and the love you bring to the world all my love always your mama published in love malou amelia on may 28 2014 at 10 00 comments 2 a guest post by malou s daddy to my baby malou and your loving mom i am writing for the first time in six years to tell a littleof my story maybe some think it is too late maybe it s a terrible mistake i hope not i do this because it is first now that i have almost finished reading through what your mom wrote on this blog i am so sorry that i could not be there for here the way she needed it when we lost you i tried to in my own way but i see clearly now that i did not manage to do it the way she was crying out for six years have passed since we lost you i am not anywhere near over the loss i still feel not only did i lose you i also think today i somehow lost your mom from the day you died i haven t finished the whole story yet that your mom put out there to the whole world i just can t get through it because every time i read parts of it i start to cry and i cannot stop it just hurts so much and i also feel so guilty for not being able to read it when it first was posted still so many years later the pain your mom went through was and is just too hard for me to read about because i saw it in her every single day for years and i just couldn t handle it please please forgive me for not doing it the right way at that time i felt i did the right thing i somehow managed to block out my own sadness and pain in losing you my first child my only daughter i did not do it on purpose i did it because i was so afraid so scared to lose someone else that i also loved deeply your mom i did say many times to her that it would get better one day that time would heal but it was a terrible mistake at that time i did get angry because i felt helpless i did not ask for help i just got more and more frustrated and bitter to see your mom suffering so much i did too blame myself for losing you i still do even today i know i was the reason we had such a hard time getting pregnant so i still can t stop thinking it was part of the reason you did not manage to live in this world i cannot believe six years have passed being without you i miss you but i am also so grateful for having two wonderful boys your brothers liam and nohi thank you stephanie why am i writing this because it is coming back to me now the time where i tried to block the pain out things also changed in my life that does i have to look at myself in a different way maybe i too need a closure to let go of the past to not feel guilty anymore to cry out to the world to let people know a little about where your dad has been and still is in all this i am also in a place now where i need forgiveness from you and your mom i am so so sad i also hope writing it out there will somehow help me get through this hard time just like it helped your mom with love daddy published in loss grief malou amelia tom uncategorized on may 28 2014 at 08 00 comments 3 5 years happy 5th birthday malou amelia i am writing this in the wee hours of the morning of may 26th the day you died but as i mentioned last year it is also the day your second brother was born this is a good day nohi oliver is a sweet cuddly mellow little guy with the most amazing smile he loves his big brother liam so much it s crazy and i know he loves you too so i don t know why i have been up for hours or what propelled me to check your blog but when i did and started crying i realized the date and that i needed to write to you 5 years old seems like a big deal a nice round number if we lived in the us you would be starting kindergarten in the fall kindergarten imagine i do imagine not always but sometimes usually you remain my baby girl but i always know how old you should be although as the years pass i let go more and more of the should haves it helps that i know your life is not over you live in me in your dad in your brothers and in the thoughts and memories and good deeds of many many other people you were alive you are real you are beautiful you are precious i will love you forever you are love perfected darling girl we have had quite the year you would have loved it we are just back from 5 months of travel visiting your aunt and uncle and new cousin annabelle in panama for two months and then your american family in washington for three months it was an amazing trip but somehow i think you know that you were never out of my thoughts and your name was written in the sand of the pacific and the caribbean and i found heart shaped stones even when i wasn t looking i miss you so much still but i know you are here there everywhere there was a time that i thought i could never leave your grave 5 months away would have been unimaginable but now i feel at peace knowing that yes this is where your ashes are buried but your beautiful spirit is soaring all over the world and you are always in my heart i love you daughter of mine always have and always will happy happy birthday love your mommy published in uncategorized on may 28 2013 at 09 01 comments 8 happy 4th birthday malou amelia there is no full circle for me but it has been four years malou amelia has been buried in the ground 7 times longer than she was alive in my womb she has been dead for all of her birthdays every single one now that doesn t seem fair does it of course not because it isn t my poor baby i wish she was here for me to love and cuddle and kiss i wish she was here so i could bake her a cake and watch her face light up at all the candles but she s not but her little brothers are as i write this now her little brother liam is napping and her other little brother due to arrive right before her birthday is gently kicking me thank you thank you thank you i constantly breathe to the universe in my thoughts my tears my laughter i am so grateful i know how lucky i am but it doesn t mean i have come full circle my family is still incomplete it always will be it doesn t matter how many children we have none can replace malou amelia i am so grateful to have had her for the short time we did but i am also still so sad that she is always missing and there is nothing i can do about it i wrote the above just a few weeks before malou s birthday i wanted to schedule it to automatically post on her actual birthday as i knew well hoped i d be busy tending to her little brother but i never scheduled it because i was scared and superstitious as if by scheduling it i may jinx my good luck and something would happen to baby brother as well thank goodness that wasn t the case i spent the anniversary of the day malou died the 26th of may laboring her precious little brother i spent the night alone with my thoughts in the hospital remembering how four years before i was in the hospital as well unknowingly spending my last moments with my beloved daughter i prayed my son would make it through that night and he did just before 10 in the morning with four easy pushes or so little nohi arrived safe and sound we were able to leave the hospital the same day as i announced on facebook 4 years ago today malou amelia died 4 hours ago today her little brother was born from now on this is going to be a good day and i mean it i want to reclaim that date may 26th represents life and happiness and goodness for me again i want to leave the sad power of that day in the past from now on it is a day of celebration not that we will forget but every time nohi has a birthday i can look at him and be grateful that we survived kept going and the universe gave us something beyond wonderful to replace the something beyond sad that it once was we still have the 28th of may to celebrate malou amelia that s her day her birthday this year we took both of her brothers along with grandma auntie and uncle to visit her at her grave then we had some ice cream on the nearby lake later on in the evening i made her a cake i couldn t bring myself to ask anyone to sing happy birthday i do that in my head for her for me it s just too sad to sing to her in heaven so i think it instead it was a pretty emotional day for me cuddling my brand new boy dark haired like his sister and remembering that four years before i was cuddling my firstborn dark haired beauty my head filled with all the could have and should have beens and i cried but no matter how much i wish my complete family was here in the flesh i know there is nothing i can do about it so ...