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you for reminding me of that through the friends you have provided dear father amen 0 comments wednesday october 23 2013 t he past month my facebook has been abuzz with exuberant birthday wishes accompanied with loads of photos at birthday parties a substantial number of my old acs classmates were born in october here s the thing about me i ve never been fond of birthday parties or cakes i have never envied anyone for their birthdays how they celebrate it or what they get from it i ve always been contented with spending my birthday with one or two of my closest friends satisfied that i had close friends who made the effort of remembering the day i was born not until now it s a sad existence i never expect much on my birthdays but this year just might be one of the worst i ve ever had while others celebrated their 21st with stacks of cards mountains of cakes loads of friends and barrels of booze i could count the number of birthday wishes i got from my friends on one hand i spent the day in absolute loneliness and one of my closest friend completely forgot my birthday apparently i share the same birthday as andrew scott who portrays one of my favorite villains of all time moriarty from bbc sherlock at any other time i would have been ecstatic about this shared birthday just not this time i wonder what it says about a person when his closest friend gushes to him about a tv star s birthday while remaining completely oblivious to his hurt and frustration does it perhaps mean that his existence is less important than that of a celebrity is it something else as hard as i try to avoid thinking about it i can t help but wonder how many of my friends even cares about my existence half my birthdays i m forcefully reminded that perhaps my birthday isn t really worth the effort to remember after all i m sorry if this is starting to sound like a rant of self pity but i figured since this is a blog with near zero readership probably the only people to read this would be the occasional stranger chancing upon this blog i m not generally fond of self pity sometimes i look at it with disdain but i think i realize now why self pity exists people pity themselves because there is no one else to pity them in my case the only people who would pity me are people who know it s my birthday and since there s hardly any of them and none of them are even in the country it doesn t amount to much at all so i celebrate my birthday with whatever i have left a cake of self pity lit with 21 forlorn candles and extinguished with drops of tears celebrated with the stuffed animals on my bed who sang happy birthday in their little stuffed animal voices to those who know me you know that my friends mean the world to me i ve always tried my best to be the best friend i could to those i befriend maybe i m doing something wrong maybe most of my friendships one sided or something maybe it s something else i don t know there s so much i don t know all i know is that it s been awhile since i felt as worthless and discarded as i ve been feeling these past few days a week ago i looked forward to my birthday so very much what a naive fool i ve been all i wanted was for my closest friends to remember my birthday birthday messages would have meant the world to me i adore them words from the heart mean so much more to me than any tangible present ever would all i ever wanted and needed for my birthdays was to know that i meant something anything to my friends that s all sigh my wishes were so different but unrealistic i realize now the procrastinator here signing back out to his sad quiet existence 0 comments monday october 21 2013 twenty one it seemed an apt picture to put up since i can start drinking legally from today onwards t wenty one years ago to this day a baby boy was born somewhere in kuala lumpur to happy parents and probably less happy sisters that boy was me my birthdays have always been a jumble of emotions as far as i remember on one hand birthdays are merely a marking stone for each year that has passed since a person was born and has managed to stay alive till staying alive was something i never actually considered a great achievement i suppose it simply is and i owe most of that to god and my ever watchful family members than to myself god knows how many times i could have easily been pancaked while crossing a road with my nose in a book if not for some vigilant family member around but on the other hand birthdays are something to me because it only occurs once a year on a very specific day and because every person has a unique birth date remembering one s birthday is something that requires effort well at least it used to until facebook came along call me old fashioned but i really don t care much for facebook birthday wishes or facebook birthday reminders why it s too easy so every year as october rolls around i play a little game called who remembered i am the game master and the players are anyone who manage to discover the existence of this game facebook twitter google skype you name it i erased my birthday from it i even went as far as to block anyone from posting up on my wall for as long as two days before and after my birthdays to reduce the likelihood of players publicizing the game most years it worked with only a slight trickle of players to discover my hidden birthday most years all i ever want is to hear a simple happy birthday from a select few whom i thought of as my closest friends some years that doesn t happen it sounds silly perhaps and i suppose readers might be wondering why i would perform such an idiotic act of intentionally hiding my birthday if i wanted people to remember it i do want people to remember it but at the same time my selfish side needs to know that people remembered it not because of some social media reminder but because they cared enough to remember today and what it means to me gauging friendships by one s ability to remember dates is probably an unreasonable method of doing it some people are just better than others at remembering dates and after all my birthday doesn t exactly occur on a remarkable date on the calendar it is just another day i don t blame anyone in the least for not remembering it i really do not no one is obligated to remember my birthday and i ve always thought of birthday wishes as a gift given and received but never asked for i suppose it is during moments like these when i m thankful no one reads my blog anymore i could have written this on a piece of paper and thrown it into the fire but that would have meant nothing a tree that falls in a forest doesn t make a sound it only makes a sound if someone hears it so here i am typing this out in a place where there s a chance of someone hearing me 0 comments saturday october 5 2013 bored bored bored hello all someone no one if anyone is reading this at all quite frankly i won t be surprised if no one ever reads this and i don t suppose it would be anyone s fault but my own i did neglect this blog for quite some time after all fortunately the name of this blog does reflect my frequency in updating it rather well i m not too sure if i named it so because i knew i would procrastinate or i procrastinated for the sake of maintaining the identity of this blog i like to think it s the latter yeah it s definitely the latter i think i d be lying if i said i didn t update this blog because i had nothing to write about i thought of many things to write about stories remarkable events though remarkable doesn t necessarily mean interesting thoughts frustrations yearnings god knows how true that last bit is i guess the nice thing about having a blog that no one will read is that i can bleed my thoughts out and no one will read it in any case i suppose the only honest answer as to why i haven t been writing is one that is quite obvious and simple i am lazy there i said it anyway so why start now after so long well turns out that boredom can be quite a good motivator it seems or a good reason to find a new distraction whichever it is i m sure there s something else really important i should be doing right now other than update a blog just because i got bored practice my japanese lift some weights clean my room count how many cornflakes there are in a box of cereal etc in any case i think i ve run out of things to rant about for now about being bored maybe i ll continue in a following post about something else hmm 0 comments tuesday december 6 2011 our own heaven w r i t t e n b y d a r r e n y i p courtesy of whitney ng t here are three kinds of sinners those who kill those who steal and those who don t obey their parents papa always said that all sinners go to hell but he also said that god can forgive those who kill or steal if they pray for forgiveness it s only people who don t listen to their parents who are never forgiven and people like that go to a special place in hell because it is such a big sin i believed him it wasn t hard mama died soon after giving birth to me when she tried to steal me and run away from home papa said she died because she didn t listen to him so that s why god decided to punish her god could have forgiven her for stealing me from him he said but mama will still go to hell because she didn t listen to him when he told her not to run away with me i was confused so i asked why mama was punished even though papa wasn t her parent papa then took down the big bible from the wooden bookshelf and opened it he pointed out a verse in it and read it out to me but i didn t understand it papa laughed very loud and then he explained that the bible said wives are like children and that they must always obey their husbands if they don t god will punish them just like he will punish little children when they disobey their parents i nodded slowly and then said to papa that i was sleepy and that i wanted to go to sleep now but papa said no he said that he wants me to play a game with him in his bedroom but papa i m sleepy i complained i know sweetheart but it s just a short while papa promises can t we do it tomorrow papa no kailey now do as i say and go to my room but i don t want to now kailey do you want to go to hell or have you already forgotten the time when i showed you how painful it is like to burn forever in hell papa took a few steps towards me his huge form towering over me i flinched and almost automatically my right hand reached over to grip my left arm where there was large pink patch on the bottom side of it papa had said that he wanted to show me how it is like in hell so that next time i would remember not to make god angry by doing sin he had taken me to the kitchen and sat me on the counter beside the stove he then lighted up the stove with a firm grip he took my left hand and guided my arm right over the open flame i cried out i couldn t help it the fire was so hot that it no longer felt like heat all i felt was pain it was so different from the gentle warmth that i was used to when i warmed my hands at the stove during the winter tears poured down my cheeks as i watched my skin turn from pink to red to a darker shade of red i tried to yank my arm back but papa s hands were like rocks papa let go of me do you understand what it feels like to burn in hell now kailey please papa answer me kailey yes i understand let me go i screamed papa let go of my hand and i immediately pulled it back towards myself only to cry out in pain again when my left arm touched the fabric of my dress my skin was an angry dark red and oh god it hurt the very air itself seemed to be burning that part of my arm and it felt like a dozen knives cutting into my skin when i brushed it against my dress i used my right hand to scrub my face my entire face was wet with tears and sweat and hurriedly jumped off the kitchen counter and ran out of the kitchen to hide under the table i sat there sobbing while trying unsuccessfully to avoid touching anything with my left arm i heard papa come near before i saw him a moment later his head appeared as he got down on one knee and faced me he had a thick dark beard and moustache that made it hard to see when he was smiling most of the time but this time i would have seen it from a mile away i didn t like his smile i tried to scramble away to the other side of the table but papa grabbed my legs as i did and dragged me bodily back towards him my left arm scraped against the cheap carpet and i screamed in pain as papa grabbed my shoulders and made me face him kailey kailey kailey he gently murmured as he rubbed a rough thumb over my wet cheek i felt his fingernail scratch against my skin now do you understand why papa always makes you listen to me god doesn t like children to disobey their papa s and god will send these children to burn in hell forever papa loves you and papa doesn t want you to burn like these bad children this is just to help you remember so next time you won t make god angry his voice ended in a whisper these memories flashed through my head as i looked back up at papa standing over me i knew that look on his face it meant that he was going to get angry soon if i didn t listen to him i knew the game that he wanted to play but i never liked that game i always felt a bit of pain between my legs in the mornings and sometimes papa gets a bit rough when he plays and accidentally hurts me sometimes i get bruises and scratches too but that look on his face meant i didn t have a choice so i slowly moved my feet up the stairs and pushed his door open with a finger it creaked open i felt the wall gingerly with my hand for the light switch and turned it on before stepping inside the bed stood in the middle of the room and the wall was covered with shoddy wallpaper that had more rips in it than i could count there was a strong smell in the room the same smell that is in the fridge when papa leaves an open bottle of beer in it i made my way across the room and sat down on the chair in front of a desk that was littered with cigarette butts a minute later papa stepped into the room i felt my body shiver but it wasn t because of the cold his eyes looked towards me immediately as he carelessly flung a hand to flick the lights off the room went dark let s play kailey i was seven then read more 2 comments monday september 12 2011 a year ago it all happened a year ago when i arrived here and came to know that not all was as the tv had shown by god it was the land of the unknown an endless summer marked the days in the blessed land where i was raised but here autumn leaves and winter snow marks the time that passes ever slow of cultures and traditions or dreams and ambitions a clash between the east and west to join the two shall be my quest i used to be a joke in my friends eyes for they said i was a white in disguise white on the inside yellow on the outside look a banana they laughed and cried yet here i am in the land of the free eating rice and drinking tea kanasai remains my favorite curse and thus it shal...