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westacular westacular friday november 11 2011 new family the other day in the car the kids were being noisy and driving me crazy luckily i spotted this place what luck it looked promising what a great idea i thought to myself you just drop your family off then pick up a different one ever since i was young i always hoped that when i grew up that one of my kids could be t v s small wonder she s a miracle and i ll grant you she ll enchant you at first sight that s from the theme song as if you didn t know well mannered conservatively dressed and spoiler alert coming if you haven t seen the show she s a robot she cleans the house faster than a speeding bullet and is more powerful than a locomotive after doing all the chores she walks into the closet and powers down anyway it was all going to be swell in my mind so i dropped the kids off in one door and screamed give me the small wonder robot that i saw on tv if you were wondering about the process it s a pretty loosely run organization you just drop off your family at the pick up area no questions asked or paperwork then you scream what you want into the air and run around to the pick up area on the other side of the building i then happily ran out the door and around the building to the pickup area when much to my chagrin they handed me this needless to say i was quite disappointed i think they could sense it so they also threw in this i was satisfied then and lived happily ever after i m sure my kids are happy too posted by jared at 6 31 pm 8 comments saturday november 13 2010 mexico part 2 as i came close to the ocean the dolphins understandably rose to attention they hoped for a nod of approval from me but let s face it their lines were quite crooked i ve never been known as a dolphin coddler or to give them false praise and i was not about to begin now it was good enough though for a picture this guy enjoyed me holding his face and stroking his back the one behind us thought he was hilarious and was making funny faces in the background so immature kasie enjoyed a slow dance with this guy to lady in red after the nice dance he moved in to kiss kasie that would have been fine but then the dolphin suddenly became all fins if you know what i mean kasie ended up having to zap him with a tazer he started to cry after that and i felt sorry for him and held him like a baby i m rocking some sweet hat hair in this photo the mexican people thought i was bringing a new fashion trend from the states and they all started wearing their hair like that 30 minutes later posted by jared at 5 03 pm 2 comments sunday october 31 2010 mexico part 0 on our way to mexico we went through dallas ft worth and had a 6 hour layover we decided to explore the downtown area but first inside the airport we found the world s largest wishbone i pulled one side and kasie pulled the other as you know the winner is the one who ends up with the larger portion as you might imagine due to my superhuman strength i won however the sheer weight of the thing was too much for me and crushed my spleen as well as many other internal organs and i died luckily my wish with my dying breath was that if i was crushed to death at any point during the day that i would be magically healed so it worked out fine and we were on our way we took a 50 taxi downtown to see the sights unfortunately we could have taken a 50 cent bus and made it just as well but we are dumb and all that cash was weighing heavily in my pocket once we got there we found an amazing herd of the very rare bronze cattle i began whispering soothingly in the leaders ear so he wouldn t trample us to death growing up i was known as the cattle whisperer you can see that i nearly have him asleep suddenly though an evil bronze cowboy spurred his horse into action and trampled kasie note the incredibly real fear in her expression i fought valiantly to muscle the brutes into submission but alas there were too many of them and in the end i was trampled to death along with my wife luckily thanks to my earlier wishbone wish i came back to life immediately sadly the wish only covered me and so kasie was still smushed flat so how exactly did i have pictures of kasie for mexico part 1 in my last post ever seen weekend at bernie s enough said we then took the 50 cent bus back to the airport unfortunately it was the wrong airport and we were forced because of time to take another 50 taxi to the correct airport i m sure there are many lessons to be learned from this post so go back and read the entire thing again unless you hate learning posted by jared at 7 29 pm 2 comments friday october 22 2010 mexico part 1 so you know how when you arrive in hawaii they put the lay of flowers on you well mexico is just like that except for instead of flowers they drape you with pythons here s kasie and i during our traditional mexican welcome forgive the shirtlessness of the great white one but upon arrival the natives tore my clothes off in a frenzy to determine if i was in fact one of those glitter in the sunlight twillight type vampires such is my almost transparently white paleness as we went to our room for the first time i was excited to see that there was a hot tub right next to the bed which was perfect for those late night hot tub cravings i often have i could just roll off the bed and directly into the hot tub without using my legs like a sucker that s good service however i was less excited when i quickly learned that it was also our combination bathtub and toilet oh well when in rome or mexico whatever as we ventured into town the next day my excitement had waned note the baleful expression however i was soon draped with animals and the happiness returned yes that s a lizard on my head i would have it no other way they take their fun seriously down there each evening if you had not reached your mandatory fun quotient you were summarily shot by these machine gun men we went into the town of tulum to see the mayan ruins the next day they were very ruin y things started off calm enough then things got crazy as our tour guide described to us how the mayans used to do human sacrifice culminating in cutting open the stomach and reaching up into the rib cage and pulling out the still beating heart of the victims here s our guide pointing to the temple where they used to do it before we knew what was happening the guide tried to thrust his hand upward under kasie s ribs and pull out her heart luckily kasie floated gracefully backward so he only grabbed air kasie has fought off villians like him before and has the reflexes of a greased jungle cat who had been adopted by a family of lightning bolts that how fast she is note the humoring smile she gives the guide at his pathetic murder attempt i of course am also no slouch in the reflex department having been raised by a mom who was a cheetah and a father who was a machine gun don t get bogged down by the biology or logic or it all just understand that i m pretty fast as well anyway i lickety split grabbed one of the lizards that had by this time found its way onto my head again and threw him like a dagger spearing our guide s hand through and through he looked unbelievingly at the two of us and our deadly show of precision and speed i gave him one of my special knowing looks the kind of look that says i know what you must be thinking right now you know that what happened to you was so incredible and life changing that even though you have a lizard speared through your hand you want to thank us believe me we ve seen it a thousand times before and you re welcome shown below is precisely what our guide saw and now you can understand the message that it is conveying we found out later that he was in actuality only doing a demonstration of how the mayans used to do it and not trying to kill kasie at all we accepted his heartfelt apology of course we re very understanding people posted by jared at 11 29 pm 3 comments monday october 11 2010 mystery spot here is a question for you where can you go to have your brain melted by black holes and inter dimensional space rays for 5 per person that s right it s the mystery spot in santa cruz ca if you do not go there at some point in your life read right now then your face will implode from the same freaky gravity bending weirdness that we saw here example 1 this board is exactly level the guide proved it with a level to us as you can see autumn is taller now when they switch positions you ll notice that abby is suddenly taller and terribly amused because of it what just happened i don t know but hang on there s more item 2 this video shows donavan giving the tour guide a battery that he loves to carry around he did that because she wanted to show us with an untampered with object how on a perfectly level board she showed us with a level again that things placed on it will roll toward the end that s because the mystery spot pulls things like our money towards its center with an insatiable power thing 3 this is actually not anything unusual i can do this pretty much anywhere you ll actually probably see me on any given afternoon standing like this on a street corner with my back parallel to the ground like a scene from the matrix i m not looking for people to give me money or anything it s just who i am posted by jared at 8 59 pm no comments some sad news not really listen they miss their fat black and white poopie who am i to judge when poopie is missing we ve all got to band together let s get out there people and find jennifer and bobby their missing poopie posted by jared at 8 04 pm 2 comments sunday september 26 2010 power bill so remember when the west family used to use electricity at their house yeah those were good times that was before i opened the 1 400 power bill yesterday needless to say there some immediate changes were instituted first this is our new clothes dryer it uses way less electricity than our old one did change 2 this is what i look like now i know what you re thinking first that looks a lot like weird al i don t really see the resemblance but whatever second how does growing a huge beard save power static electricity duh think about it third why would you dress in heavy black clothes wouldn t that make it hotter yes actually you re right it s ridiculous but i look super cool but the point is we re getting back to our roots going green we re going to be using candles for lights and paper fans for breezes from now on refrigeration is for morons and electricity is for losers i say i lost at least 3 years of my life when i opened that bill i can t afford to do that every month kasie asked yesterday is this how we re going to live the rest of our life read that in the expasperated tone of a woman who has recently crossed the plains in a covered wagon and just looked over the top of a recent rise only to see hundreds more miles of wilderness ahead of her that should give you an idea of the precise tone the thermostat was set to 84 which was why all the moaning of course not i said once the winter comes it won t be this hot so if you were looking to buy kasie a sympathy gift might i suggest this title posted by jared at 6 30 pm 6 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom followers contributors jared kasie west blog archive 2011 1 november 1 new family 2010 21 november 1 october 4 september 2 august 4 july 2 june 2 may 2 february 1 january 3 2009 23 december 2 november 1 october 2 september 1 august 7 may 1 april 3 march 2 february 4 simple theme powered by blogger