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Text of the page (random words):
when or if i ever fall in love when or if i ever fall in love bad news on the rocks july 19 2009 despite two recent interests i ve sort of been feeling like my dating life is on the rocks quick send a merman to rescue me a week or two ago i went on a really interesting date with a guy he s a physicist and extremely sociable and i have to say it was incredibly enjoyable to talk to somebody so intelligent and witty sometimes i feel in my life that i am losing some of my ability to articulate myself out of lack of practice my friends and i are so close that we often dispense with entire sentences even conversations can be bewildering for somebody who s not a part of our group some would say that s cliqueish but i think that the nature of small groups is that they begin to create shared experiences which in turn become part of their own micro culture like i said to a friend at a bar the other day i don t speak butch bringing that back around to dating i am extremely interested in maculinity in many forms being a dickhead doesn t make somebody maculine it just makes him undatable but i have a hard time talking with some people normally it s guys who self identify as a kind of bro or a dude guys for whom their guyness is a conscious act something i find incredibly hot and attractive but i feel like we re not always speaking the same language and i have a hard time finding common interests with somebody who s really into surfing cars and parties for example even if that guy is incredibly intelligent sometimes they don t seem willing to articulate themselves or to discuss things like that it s as though that is a private part of them that they don t share as you can imagine that makes it incredibly difficult to try and date somebody like that now granted all this is just from my experiences everyday i look forward to finding myself proven wrong on some thing or other that disappoints me tuesday i m making food for a sunset picnic at a local park with a guy who s a techie we have had lots to talk about including my recent migration to linux i m using the mint distribution which is wonderful i m still keenly aware of the fact that part of me rejects the idea of a boyfriend but i still want to date and even be a little romantic it s just going to take some explaining i want to give you flowers and kiss you but i don t want to date you seriously just yet i want to i think i could call this courtship i want to do sweet respectful things i want to go slow but not just in the physical sense since i can fuck a total stranger and only later recall that i never learned his name oops i need to not scare myself off with the potential for a relationship especially since so often that potential never materializes through my own fault or the fault of some other force sorry for the rambling but i just wanted to let you all know i m not dead posted in uncategorized leave a comment inhabiting a butch space june 29 2009 in the summer i switch my fitted jeans and cute sweaters for graphic tees and baggy shorts smart leather sneakers for oversized flip flops this summer i ve even started growing a beard and buzzing my head what this adds up to is that i get hit on by girls sometimes like sitting at a table with friends and listening to conversation waitresses have flirted or girls walking by have looked with more than a passing glance it s weird not because i don t think i m attractive at this point in my life i m pretty convinced that i m at least hot enough to get laid regularly and smart enough to get a decent boyfriend eventually but because i am fairly convinced it s due to looking more butch than normal super short hair facial hair and the clothes i wear all seem from my perspective to signal a more masculine nature and in the culture i live in that usually means a more heterosexual nature since this all started happening and i started noticing i ve noticed that i feel more butch i notice that i don t feel as uncomfortable hanging around guys i don t know which is usually a little anxiety inducing i ve become a little more aggressive in bed when i m with versatile or bottom guys i ve certainly started fantasizing about being a top more often than a bottom when i jerk off contrast that behaviour with the guy i m seeing regularly he s a self described bro and there would be no arguement from me as to the correctness of that he s a guy a guy who likes to fuck me and say filthy things to me and after we ve both exhausted every naughty word and our bodies he likes to hold me or sometimes i hold him it s interesting i ve never been more submissive than with him and i ve never felt more butch than right now posted in present thinking leave a comment kinky really june 18 2009 i ve been called kinky before and i ll cop to the fact that certain non vanilla situations turn me on but i really feel no affinity with your typical kink fixings leather meh toys maybe i guess last night when i was fucking with this guy we talked a lot in between ass pounding dick swallowing and cumming about kink he calls himself very kinky and said that he didn t think i was but here s the thing calling him sir or calling him boy dirty talk words are incredibly kinky one of my favorite fantasies to jerk off too is geting fucked by somebody who shouldn t be fucking me and hearing him talk about what would people think if they saw me legs spread and mouth open panting like a dog taking his cock how dirty it is to be riding him and begging for something i should never have wanted never should have gotten i guess i don t know i would love to find somebody who understood the kinkiness of what we say because i want to try that out i want to talk with more purpose when i m fucking posted in present thinking leave a comment i can get off when you ain t around june 9 2009 how i let myself get flaked out on 4 times by the same guy i ll never know i guess i m a slow learner when i m horny but today was just the last straw this morning i was listening to the album pcd in the shower i know that sounds a wee bit trashy and thinking goll i really like these independent lyrics only to come home and jerk off after being stood up before putting i don t need a man on repeat i don t need a man to make it happen i get off being free tags present realization thinking posted in uncategorized leave a comment angry queer is here june 4 2009 today i put an idea i ve had for a long time into action today you can get an angry queer t shirt here they come in men and women s sizes in as many colors as possible with more being added very shortly posted in uncategorized leave a comment i don t blame you june 1 2009 i am bad news and i m owning that anybody who s shown interest in me in the past year and a half has gotten the complete shaft except one or two people i m evasive and noncommittal giving off mixed signals because of my own indecision i don t call back i don t text the next morning i don t accept 2nd dates i won t talk of anything of consequence instead misdirecting with inconsequential sound bytes that sound more revealing than they are i play off interests values judgments and i rarely reveal anything concrete or real except perhaps in moments of anger which i use as my excuse to run into the night and never ever return i m that really sweet guy that confuses and breaks hearts by my lack of honesty within myself and the strength to be clear trying to sublimate horny into love showering kisses and grinding crotches without any promise for tomorrow or ever i don t think i m a bad person i just think i did some shitty stuff trying to ignore my own feelings posted in present realization 1 comment not o kay may 29 2009 i have a new co worker who is several kinds of awesome we have a lot of things in common and he s great to hang out with at first i thought maybe he was gay since he seemed particularly friendly to me and lord knows that must mean he wants some of the sweet loving stuff right wellll not exactly i ll admit i was a little disappointed but he s still awesome and since i ve sworn off of dating for a while anyway it seemed no big deal everything was fine until a few days ago when i heard from another co worker that one of our customers had asked the new guy about his orientation in public in front of a lot of people and all i could think was not okay not okay at all in the middle of my indignation i realized how hypocritical i had been i d been discussing him with my friends some of whom i work with and realized the difference between talking about it behind his back and asking him face to face is small and both are inappropriate in a workplace even one as extremely casual as ours i saw him on sunday at work and apologized for him being asked so publicly and in a way apologizing for any discomfort he might end up feeling because of such scrutiny from anybody i told him that s not a question you should have to answer from anybody that is nobody s business but yours he laughed it off so it doesn t seem to have been a big deal for him but it certainly shed new light on my behaviour posted in uncategorized leave a comment cybernetic bees may 20 2009 i went on a date last week the last one i want to go on for a while i ve decided but he said some interesting things to me when i told him that i didn t think i should be dating just now he said that i was the only person he d ever met who wasn t completely transparent to him after 20 minutes of conversation and that even after 5 hours of talking he still hadn t figured me out he also said that for similar reasons he thinks dating a swarm of cybernetic bees would be interesting so we re going to be friends because when somebody says i don t understand myself and i feel like knowing you better will help me to know myself i can t help but hang around i remember feeling like i had no idea who i am or why i behaved the way i do sometimes i still feel that way but rarely and fleetingly on the upside my 21st birthday is next week and i will be able to go out dancing which is very exciting i will continue to avoid alcohol since i have no interest in falling asleep on the bus and getting my purse stolen at 2 am posted in present leave a comment crazy moment 647 april 27 2009 i have a friend who shares a lot of my psychological profile we are remarkably similar in a number of ways even though we are definitely separate individuals he and i have decided that those moments of insane insecurity that consume our brains when we re dealing with boys are the crazy we have both taken to saying i understand where you re coming from but you need to reign in the crazy or your crazy is out of control it acknowledges the basis of the insanity and also says please stop before you ruin this crazy moment 647 was after world class cuddles had left and we texted a bit the next day and then he stopped responding for three four days i have slowly gotten more depressed and angry and hurt thinking of ways to force him to reply to me the worst part was that he left some things at my apartment so i knew eventually he d have to get back to me what it comes down to is i had no idea why he wasn t responding and my crazy came out to tell me all the ways i wasn t smart enough wasn t hot enough was too weird too awkward wasn t tidy enough that i wasn t good enough and that i had scared a human being so bad that he would abandon pj pants and ds games at my apartment all of which is patently ridiculous if you objectively review world class cuddles behaviour all of which is ridiculous if you objectively look at me total nonsense but the crazy it knows none of this it just knows the fear posted in fear present leave a comment world class cuddles april 21 2009 sunday night was particularly shitty for me a date i d been on and had a great time on apparently was not a mutually enjoyable experience since he stopped replying to my texts after i d told him i had a great time on friday cue me being over invested and crying and gratuitous ice cream purchasing monday night was a vaaaast improvement i had a guy over and the original plan was to stay up all night and play card and board games we stayed up until about 2 and then went to bed i invited him to sleep in my bed since we had talked about the benefits of cuddling without the expectation of sexual activity wooow wow he was warm and smelled amazing and i felt so cozy and frankly i felt cute as hell cuddled up next to him all night there was one moment in the middle of the night where i kissed his cheek and he kissed me and there was sleepy passionate grunty making out in our pajamas and then we went back to sleep and did it again when we woke up my day has started off much improved for all of this thank fucking god because now i have to take myself down to the dmv posted in uncategorized leave a comment older entries search archives july 2009 june 2009 may 2009 april 2009 march 2009 february 2009 january 2009 december 2008 categories fear 5 hopes 3 past 5 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