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d grown to understand as a defender of the right to be a free agent had taken that away from so many i was being ripped in half by an unconditional devoted love for my faith and the pain and sympathy i felt for so many of my amazing homosexual lds friends who still loved a gospel they had felt betrayed by but might still want for their children the mormon in me was angry and the mother in me was anguished it sounds incredibly dramatic but it was the reality for me in that moment i knew i couldn t go on facebook i have too many mormon friends i have too many gay friends and i have a startling number of friends that are a combination of both the torrent i felt inside didn t need to be exacerbated by the hurricane i would likely encounter there i have never been so affected by a policy in the church as i was by this news at this moment i grew up in the church i was always active and did my part i was personally converted to its teachings when i was around 13 14 years old i have never considered myself a blind follower it is not in my nature to be a lemming far from it in fact i will rarely do anything that i don t feel 100 committed to in my heart it is one of my greatest strengths and deepest flaws there have been moments here and there where church leaders have said things that have taken time to settle in or even required some time alone with my thoughts prayers and a need for personal revelation to convince me of its rightness but this was the first time i ve ever felt completely knocked over by something that i just couldn t see myself finding peace with this was the first time i d ever pictured the brethren in my mind and thought what were they thinking how could this possibly come from the god i know i cried for a good length of time as my husband sat in stunned silence i m not really sure where he stands on this issue he s an internalizer we were having friends over that night friends from out of town friends who are probably in my top 10 friends of all time so i had to swallow it down they are lds as well but hadn t heard as they d been playing at disneyland all day we touched on it a little but i didn t want to put a damper on the night since we hadn t seen each other in so long i woke up several times that night with an uneasiness i just couldn t shake in the morning i was exhausted swollen eyed and had a pressure headache from the dehydration i braved facebook and read dozens of articles filled with pros and cons i inserted the quotation marks on purpose there was a toxicity there people who were defending the policy were doing so in a pious unempathetic manner they were calloused and almost i hate to say it bigoted those opposing it were taking it personally and offensively making comments about a choice being taken from them i highly doubted they would choose anyway i was desperate for a place in the middle where i could reconcile the strength of my testimony with the hurt and i couldn t find it i decided to immerse myself in a project that needed finishing with the girls in school and jd playing on the floor behind me i found solace in music lyrics https soundcloud com user138886209 beautiful city it plagued my mind all day as i went about my duties as mother and wife just before i went to bed an official interview with d todd christofferson a member of the quorum of the twelve surfaced on my social media feed i watched it he said what i expected him to say he said it in a straightforward albeit loving way i went up to bed and laid quietly in the dark as i waited for some sort of insight outside of myself as i type this you may be waiting for the conclusion i likely have come to i have no intelligent argument for or against this policy i don t have years of church history backed explanations or justifications of how this will somehow keep families in tact also i personally have found a life in the quintessential understanding of what family is in the church with my bishopric member husband and 4 beautiful children who enjoy singing songs in primary about jesus without possible exposure to doctrines that could be painful but i have come to a conclusion it s the same conclusion i come to cyclically and it never fails me i know that the church of jesus christ of latter day saints teaches the truest principles that can be found on this earth i ve known it since i was 14 years old coming to that conclusion was a journey that had peaks and valleys and it is a conclusion that i continue to have to come to all throughout my life and i have every time even in my darkest hours and in my most rebellious moments nothing has been able to shake that i don t know if i will ever understand the reasonings behind this approach taken by the leaders of the church but i can t deny my unwavering faith in who they are they are just men but they are as close to a tangible voice from god as we have and they have a task before them that i don t envy as the world progresses the church will appear more and more archaic out of touch and even cruel god is merciful and loving but we often forget that he is also just because it forces us to face a frightening accountability i have come to understand the importance of this as a parent myself i have mercy for my children tenfold but it cannot overtake a need for justice in my efforts to help them grow to be good people and both of those things are fostered out of my love for them and who i desperately hope they will become the parallel with god as our father is glaringly obvious i am not quite in agreement with this policy i may never be but i will pray every day for my understanding of this to be at peace with my soul as i will also pray daily for the healing of the spirits and souls that this policy has truly pained but i could never turn my back on my faith it s never done so to me posted by tiff no comments 04 august 2015 a different kind of celebration jd s 1st birthday is a week from tomorrow a 1st birthday is a big deal when it s your 1st child it s a pretty big deal when it s your last child and it s a pretty massive deal when it marks survival i made it i m here holy crap i m here sometimes i feel like i have so many words to describe the battle of depression often though it renders me speechless because it s everything and nothing all at the same time it s everything because it takes over and incapacitates and destroys and siphons it s nothing because you can t see it or predict it or recognize tangible symptoms or patterns there are times i feel like i could give sermons and reach out to all of the people in the world who have struggled with the debilitation of it and there are other times when i feel like i need to shut up because mine is only temporary postpartum it is defined as the period of time following childbirth but how long is that time and how long does that time feel and how long is that period of time when it describes your depression eternity depression runs in my family as is often the case for most things in life my beautiful talented smart charismatic feisty strong willed grandmother had it my beautiful talented smart charismatic loving sensitive mother has it my grandmother dealt with it during a time when it wasn t spoken of i can t even imagine what that must ve been like depression tells you enough lies as it is to throw the idea on top of it that you and only you are dealing with it because you don t know what it is that must have been a literal living nightmare my mom deals with it amongst peers who are finally willing to label it but they still bury it under the stigma they believe it holds you re less than you re weak or my personal favorite you can pray it away insert fits of maniacal laughter here but than again i m lucky i was able to honestly say it had gone away when cc was about 6 months old with daphne about 9 months this time i can t say maybe 10 11 months pretty sure it s gone pretty sure when i was in high school i lost my voice all the time i was hoarse more often than i wasn t i was always singing or yelling or an unfortunate combination of both and every time i would lose my voice a panic would set in this time is the last time my anxiety would tell me this is it you ve done your voice in for good your one gift is gone forever you will never sing again that s how my postpartum depression has felt after dealing with it for the officially 3rd time jury s still out on whether or not i had it after malia even though i mostly feel like i m back there s the quiet hum in the recesses of my soul that tells me it will never go away for good not this time this time is the last time it tells me this is it you re stuck with it for life you will never function as you again but the anxiety attacks are gone and have been for a while most of my anger is triggered by something pretty much any sane person would be angry at i don t cry at nothing anymore ok i do but i ve always been a crier however the hot tears of anguish that are accompanied with an inability to breathe or even focus on the reality of the situation are gone i am capable of looking forward to things and most importantly the catalyst my son is never the cause of my frustrations oh sure that will change in another year when he s officially a toddler and a terror but right now i look at him and am overwhelmed by the blessing he is in my life and the joy he fills my soul with just as his sisters before him have done and while i infinitely love my children from the beginning liking them and being grateful for them is something that takes me coming out of the fog haze and weight of a disease forgetfulness is an interesting thing though i know that it wasn t that long ago that i was huddled in a corner hyperventilating my body wracked with inexplicable sobbing and yet here i am at the other end telling myself of the things i ve learned more patience more gratitude more humility more empathy not gonna lie would like to have learned it another way i am not a private person much to the chagrin of my very private husband i have been open about my struggles from the beginning it s interesting to see the faces of people when they hear me admit it almost like they wish they could unhear it because they don t know how to handle it tell someone you ve battled cancer you re a hero reflect upon your struggles with diabetes you re a saint share that story about the time you ran a marathon in spite of your history with asthma you re a warrior reveal that you re fighting depression and you re fragile and that s total bullhockey pardon my french since my own personal battle with depression has begun i ve discovered that some of the coolest most interesting inspiring admirable capable and strong people i ve ever met are also battling depression fragile my tukhus again with the french well technically yiddish but women have reached out to me i can t explain the feeling i get when someone comes to me in private and confesses their own battle seeking guidance and refuge and how i m almost proud to say i know how you feel proud of the pain why yes i am because i m part of a special club now a club with some pretty prestigious members and our pain is unique but it s always valid if i could say one thing to a person fighting depression that would be it your pain is valid it s not a cancerous tumor or a broken bone or a heart attack but it is still valid that and talk about it talk talk talk don t suffer alone and don t be ashamed find someone you trust and get it out yes in a week i will be celebrating the 1st birthday of my last child but tonight i will quietly celebrate my survival now who s gonna buy me a cake posted by tiff no comments 06 april 2015 i m no captain america whenever it s cecily s turn to pray she asks god to make jd not cry at night and to help mommy with her depression for some people it would maybe break their hearts a little to hear such a plea from their child but for me i appreciate all the help i can get at dinner last night i tried to guide a conversation about the true meaning of easter i talked about our imperfections and the need for an atonement i asked the girls if they thought my postpartum depression was gone and their father responded immediately with a no i have not asked him yet why he responded so quickly with that answer but frankly it upset me i thought i d been doing so well and in all honesty it s never obvious when it goes just that it s gone when it s gone and i had hoped desperately that it had gone anyone with anxiety or depression can tell you about triggers they are exactly as they sound things that set someone off they re like pet peeves times a million if your thing is road rage then imagine that when someone cuts you off you don t just get upset but there is a literal reaction in every part of your being you lose all ability to be rational your heart rate increases your stomach twists into infinite gut wrenching knots you feel your face flush as your blood pressure increases you almost feel like some psychological version of an emotional mental incredible hulk my trigger is a when a younger baby usually my own will not submit to training coercion of sleeping well part of this stems from a need i apparently have always had to be in control part of this stems from some ptsd from my 1st child s incomparably horrendous colic part of it comes from a somewhat genetically predisposed chemical imbalance and the postpartum consequences and part of it comes from being so gosh danged sleep deprived and none of my babies not a one zip zero zilch nada none of them have been naturally good sleepers i have had to help them all learn to sleep and do so well it s like god literally hands me my triggers in the form of little swaddled bundles of chaos a few weeks ago i posted a facebook status about my frustration with people who try to remind me to enjoy this time many agreed with me but there were a couple and i am in no way criticizing these people who talked about loving this phase i am convinced we are just wired in totally different ways but at the same time hearing people mention how they cherish these early months just made me feel like a horrible person like somehow my wiring is just crap like i m some sort of lemon in general conference yesterday there was a talk about those who are without guile and just innately good and how we all can work towards such characteristics my husband and i talked a little bit about people who are just good and how it has got to be in large part inherent they just are and the rest of us just have to work our butts off to even kind of be i wonder about the superiority of these people the ones without guile the ones who despite averaging 2 hours of sleep at night can still go into their baby with patience and gentility and feed him for the 8th time that night rocking him and cooing at him with overabundant love even though it s the ungodly hour of 3 am are they just better people than me do they just deserve mountains of credit for something tha...