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p at the store first the one that had the bottles in the back my dad would pull in the driveway and leave the brown paper bag outside near the basement window i m not sure if he hid it under some leaves or left it out in the open i don t know if it was a time sensitive mission or an i ll drop it off one night this week sort of thing i don t remember exactly how my dad explained to me what we were doing but if he were to explain it now i d imagine it would go something like this life is complicated it s not black and white and people don t always agree on what is right life is short but it doesn t feel that way until it s too late eventually we will all meet our end nowadays it is rare to meet your end with the dignity we all had imagined we would take our last breath with loss of mind loss of body loss of control a complete and utter decimation of the person we used to see in the mirror this man deserves a god damned drink if he wants one and that s what he s going to get my dad provided reprieve a simple pleasure to ease suffering and for that i am proud my aunt passed away a few days ago and my heart aches for my mother when i was a kid my aunt lived across the continent one of my first memories of her was dropping her off at the airport with my mom everything seemed fine my mom bought me a can of mini coke at the canadian airport cafeteria i remember because it was the first time i had seen a miniature can it wasn t until we were in the car that my mom let her tears fall being a kid i had to ask why she was crying it didn t make sense when a continent separates you visits are few and far between and always too short time was never on their side today while writing this i got a phone call from a client a newly discovered lump desperation and disbelief in her voice yesterday she was just like me just like us oblivious today life has taken a decisive turn a more ominous urgency rather than casual certainty i saw a client at the grocery store not an hour after getting off the phone after the normal pleasantries he informed me that his wife was in hospice care she was at home but her lungs were failing and that it wouldn t be long i didn t know what to say i never do what are you supposed to say i heard myself blurting out how sorry i was before i could help it but what i really wanted to do was give him a hug lie to him and tell him it would be ok tell him that eventually the sting would lesson and life would once again appear normal without her it just so happens that this man possesses more grace than i could ever pretend to have and his response of it s ok this is part of life was almost too much to handle his face his god damned face his wife his god damned wife we all make this deal but it s not really a deal it is a mutually exclusive relationship life and death one of my greatest fears is that as i lay on my death bed i will be haunted by my decisions not the little decisions but the ones that matter have i been myself have i let anyone know who i am do my kids know me does my wife know me so much time wasted on trivial things too many harsh words not enough patience to many i can ts and too busys and not enough why the hell nots my grandpa is sitting in a nursing home as i write this he s been there about two weeks of all the people i ve known he may be the grumpiest he also happens to be one of the quickest people to tell a joke embellish a story or try to get a smile in all the years i ve fished with my grandpa i don t think i ever saw him once catch a fish on a fly rod he was the first in our family to pick one up and may have been throwing dry flies at salmon for all i know but he never gave it up never complained that the fish weren t biting and never resorted back to his spinning rod i took my son in with me to see him the other day within minutes he was sharing one of the coolest stories i think i have ever heard how much of it is true i don t know but i choose to believe it all i will do a poor recording of the events here the person he was sharing a room with at the hospital the week previous was a goofy bastard nice but different it was about the second night there that they hatched the plan want to blow this joint with me tonight the roommate asked damn straight my grandpa grunted they set an alarm 2 am sharp their bags were packed and they were primed my grandpa had a car but no license the roommate had a license but no car a match made in heaven my grandpa was awoken that night by the roommate still comin and they crept out of the room and down the hallway they made it about as far as the nurse s station where they were inevitably stopped what in the hell do you guys think you re doing they were asked it s time for us to go was the reply we re going to have to call security if you don t get back to your room the nurse replied i don t give a good god damn if you call the national guard we re getting out of here a battle cry eventually after enough threats the roommate was convinced to head back so my grandpa was left with little to no choice but to retreat as well i couldn t stop laughing at least at first later i couldn t get it out of my head relentless determined single minded and unwavering disheartened defeated crushed despair too many feelings fleeting and temporary the body betrays the mind even more devastating to watch the mind betrays the body and there you are chase contentment chase trout but don t wait ian posted by squabblers 24 7 at 8 26 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday december 16 chasing unicorns the garbage cans were out by the mail box emptied when i pulled back in the driveway this afternoon that must mean today is tuesday i don t seem to recall dragging them to the road yesterday this time of year lags and it s only december today may have been the last warm day of the winter so i had to skip out on work this morning and hit the river for a few hours i changed my plan last minute afraid the road to the spot i really wanted to go would be washed out with the rain we ve gotten recently combined with the snow on the ground the car thermometer read 37 when i got to the river t shirt weather the water wasn t as high as i had expected and the rain was spotty for the moment perfect morning to spend a few hours fishing winter fishing for me is simply a form of life support i plan on catching exactly zero fish and almost always succeed in that endeavor i still hold out hope i always do but more reminiscent of the type of hope that i may see sasquatch or glimpse a unicorn than an honest hope it s a hope lacking in anticipation i think today today though was no different however i moved three fish three fish in only a few hours they were between 16 and 20 inches or so and very well could have been steelhead since this is my story we ll call them browns because that s what they were browns i didn t really move 3 fish the second fish i managed to move twice the second time he came out to play i was so sure of the impending hook up that i had worked out how to land him where to take the picture and what i would tell my grand kids about my rare winter fish all in the split second it took him to change his mind and retreat back to his hold taking my heart with him shit i was drenched and 37 degrees in the pouring rain feels more like 17 i deserved that fish i earned that fish then it happened a hook up fish on i m not really a woo hoo er but i woo hoo d out loud i played the fish for about 5 seconds 5 drama filled seconds that bordered on eternity until i came to a horrible realization i was fighting a stick no fish how did i not know it was a snag my brain is a powerful weapon capable of cruel tricks but on a positive note it s also capable of some pretty decent delusions a half day fishing combined with a half day working kind of feels more like a whole day fishing work doesn t seem quite so real quite so serious and the lingering image of a few fish from this morning are enough to take up most of my thoughts for the afternoon chase contentment chase trout and fish on ian posted by squabblers 24 7 at 1 36 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday december 3 the master list this year s christmas wants and new year s resolutions i ve decided to do a list of what i d like for christmas mixed in with a few new year s resolutions first a few disclaimers it goes with out saying that of course i d like my family to be happy healthy world peace and all of those other feel good things that are obvious so here it is the real list the master list i d like to never talk politics again or be forced to listen to other people talk politics in fact let s eliminate small talk all together i don t care what you heard about the weather or what you think about the school system you don t care what my kids have been up to agreed maybe i m just an introverted asshole and should work on my people skills i d prefer to never step foot in a wal mart again some of those steelhead gloves from kast i ve never found a happy medium when it comes to gloves for winter fishing maybe the problem is that i haven t bought an 80 pair yet but alas that will probably never happen a sign for everyone that prefers to do 100 of the talking during a conversation it would just make it a hell of a lot easier that way i could just walk away they wouldn t even notice a drift boat what brand you ask i don t give a shit does it float i ll need a trailer to go along with the boat and a trailer hitch for a jeep compass one day i d like to have a best friend with a plow truck all of the benefits none of the hassle i d just take him fishing in my drift boat as repayment a 5 00 spool of amnesia 25lb test so i can bang junk in the cheboygan river and cry myself to sleep at night also someone to tie my egg flies for me i m not sure what it is but i ve never been fond of tying eggs i d like 2 spare spools for my allen reel i should have bought them a long time ago why didn t i i m to lazy to change out the sinking line for the floating half the time i just convince myself i was going to throw streamers anyhow it d be cool if allen finally sent me my replacement rod for the one i broke in september but the loaner is working out ok i guess the replacement hasn t been released yet i don t know also i broke the first loaner they sent me so they had to send another one so all in all i d say they re being pretty cool a replacement top half for my redington classic trout that was inadvertently launched across the river into the great abyss but i think i m going to buy a mystic rod to replace that one anyhow i know this is counter intuitive to me writing a blog but i m getting pretty god damned sick of reading the same fly fishing articles over and over social media doesn t help let s get some new shit this year although i found one of my grandpa s old fly fishing magazines this thing was from the late 80 s guess what it talked about i don t hold out much hope i d like to be nicotine free in 2015 except for hex season that doesn t count oh and my u p trip that doesn t count either i d like to spend a few minutes in a room where everyone wasn t vying to be the smartest person there we could just admit most of use are dumb i d like to get my wife onto some really nice trout maybe that s not it maybe i d like to be able to have her experience some of the emotional subtleties of fly fishing yeah to watch the sunset as you cast to the last rising trout during a small hatch of drakes bingo i d be ok with another horrendous winter don t get me wrong i m not a big fan but last winter made for some ridiculous fishing this spring and summer i d like a winter supply of oberon not for everyone just for me i don t want to ruin the appeal but a few months of the stuff isn t long enough i d like to stop rushing i m not sure why i rush i don t really have that important of a life but i m always in a hurry i d like to slow down take a breath i m going to throw in a custom bamboo rod for good measure i d be too scared to fish it though i d like to spend a week without the kids perhaps even just a weekend i love those kids but i d really like to get away from them or stay in just without them here it d give me a chance to miss them that might make me a bad person i don t know and i d like to get out and fish i spend half of the winter planning on going out the other half telling myself it s way too cold there should be no snow on the ground by this weekend so the good spots should be accessible maybe i ll see you out there hopefully not though have an amazing christmas keep your sanity tie up some eggs for me and fish on ian posted by squabblers 24 7 at 7 50 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday october 29 alibis and addictions it s a blessing and a curse having the fishing gene as a friend calls it i have an unrest there s something not right with me if i haven t been on the river in a while people around me start to notice i can feel it right now it s been about two weeks two weeks since i ve stepped into a trout stream two weeks since i ve connected not with a fish necessarily but with myself connection with a fish is a bonus maybe it s why i haven t written much in the past month i think fishing gives my life cohesion allows it to have a natural ebb and flow without it i spend way to much time with a 1 000 yard stare trying to be somewhere else conjuring up a new existential crisis trout are my scape goat my alibi i think maybe that s why i have no real desire to keep a trout trout have no dog in this fight in fact they d prefer if i wasn t there but i use them i use them to transport me to occupy my time thought feeling and energy that would normally be devoted to such worldly things like bills work workplace drama relationship drama yard work the leaking faucet the strange noise coming from the jeep and the time bomb that is my septic system i use them why else would a seemingly normal person spend every night not spent on the river in a space dedicated to the sole purpose of spinning falsifications of fur and feather designed for deception designed to fool my excuse it makes me wonder which one of us is being fooled i ve recently learned that it s easier for me if i get a clean break from fishing if i go a long period of time generally 14 21 days without fishing i can begin to function as a normal person towards the end of it here s my problem my plight my predicament if i fish once a week the other 6 days are spent planning when i can get out next maneuvering schedules and sidestepping responsibilities to try to make it happen this time of year presents a problem i can only manage to get out about once every week sometimes less it s not enough i should quit cold turkey and get the withdrawals over with when november hits i should clean and stash my stuff like a normal person but i can t for the same r...