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lar sexual congress which seemed a bold and uncompromising position to take given the circumstances and that s where we come to the letting go of tom s dreams the dream of remaining a man in full the dream of leaving his man tubes uncut and un cauterized the dream of having regular sex while at the same time not having a vasectomy anyway he s had the consult the procedure is scheduled i know it s scheduled because tom sent me an outlook calendar invite for that entire weekend the description for which reads resting at home the invite was followed by a verbal clarification from tom the doctor said i can t move around at all because the gravity on the weight in my balls might mess up the healing like i can t stand or move so i am just going to be in the tv room that weekend healing the easy joke here is that i already have a third child and that his name is tom the tougher joke is that i ll spend that weekend solo parenting my two amazing kids putting to bed my dreams of a third jun 11 21 comments sick hair day tuesday found me at home with finn who had fever i will admit that once i get past the stress of missing work i like staying home with a sick kid a sick kid needs you a sick kid wants you a sick kid accepts your cuddles and kisses because he s too weak to push you off alas this was not a big fever it was just a spot of fever the kind of fever that keeps your kid barred from school but fails to keep him quiet and immobile on your couch i have a special name for this kind of fever and that name is a pain in my ass mom can we dye my hair today i squeezed my eyes shut and mentally cursed myself he d been asking for days to dye his hair blue if i d remembered about the hair i d have plugged him full of motrin and used my full upper body strength to shove him into his classroom but here we were just the two of us alone with nothing to do because tom had loudly conditioned finn s staying home on no screen time before he himself ran away to the office for a busy day of surfing the internet for articles about the world cup i didn t object to the blue hair i enthusiastically support my kids any time they want to look different from other people no what i objected to was the work so many steps the procurement of the dye the covering of all surface areas in the bathroom the application the waiting the washing i didn t sign up for that i signed up for forced cuddling seven hours of daytime tv and a late afternoon slurpee and doritos run we drove to sally s where finn took a look around the store and commented loudly on how empty it was boy this store is empty as an aside my kids can t step into a store without remarking on how few customers there are always in front of the person running the store why do kids do that does it reaffirm their own bodily presence their own existence in the world i ve thought about this a lot and my only conclusion is that it s incredibly awkward for me anyway the woman at sally s led us to the blue hair dye section and assured me that the stuff would work without bleaching even on finn s brown hair has my own black hair ever been dyed yes have i ever known it to take color without pre bleaching beforehand no unfortunately these long known truths escaped me in the face of my 7 year old s enthusiasm back home i carefully laid out the dye vaseline and shower cap while pulling on my gloves i covered the sink with towels finn took his shirt off and plopped down on the toilet seat i traced a thick gob of vaseline all around his hairline then i started rubbing in the blue gel which looked bright bright blue finn started fist pumping the air before i d even done his whole head he turned his head from one side to the other admiring himself then i put on the shower cap and then we waited 40 minutes later i gingerly pulled off the shower cap the hair still looked blue but mostly because the gel was blue the actual hair underneath looked alarmingly black and worse than that was his scalp which was bright teal i felt a tingly sensation on the back of my neck the same tingly feeling i get when finn asks me at school what we are having for dinner and i know that we are having turkey meatloaf and that finn is about to lose his shit in front of a roomful of parents i pushed finn into the shower and turned on the shower head i watched in horror as all the blue gel washed out of his hair leaving behind a head of hair that was two shades darker than before finn in the meantime was watching the blue water run over his feet and freaking out mom you re washing all the blue out stop stop it stop washing the blue out my mind was racing because i knew that if he was pissed now he was going to fall apart when he saw himself in the mirror no help for it finn jumped out of the tub splashing blue everywhere and ran to the mirror when he saw himself he opened his mouth in a rictus of pain started screaming and didn t stop he screamed for like ten minutes i swear and i didn t even have the heart to quiet him because goddamnit i have been there who hasn t entered a hair salon clutching a picture of kate moss and walked out dreams crushed and soul broken some of us do that four times a year post dye job anyway cuz eventually stepped in and we went back to sally s to procure some hair chalk the box says hot huez which apparently does not rhyme with hot suez but instead rhymes with hot shoes go figure finn woke me up at 6 00 am today so that i could rub some hot huez into his hair i rubbed it in but good then i set it with hairspray finn craned his neck around me trying to get a peek is it blue mom that it is kid that it is more pics of finn s blue hair odyssey available right there to the right via instagram may 7 30 comments lice you ain t nice every time i see an email about lice from my kids school i read it with a shudder of revulsion and then try to figure out which kid in the class has the lice then i try to prevent my kids from coming in contact with the perp all without actually mentioning the word lice it s tricky me hey finn so how about those blazers huh say anyone at school get a haircut recently finn what me you know a haircut like anyone cut their hair super short or i don t know any of your friends get a new hat finn like what kind of hat me you know a hat like a baseball hat any kind of hat finn long pause no me ok that s cool pause hey maybe don t do any reading today in the reading corner finn why not me pause well you can read just don t you know touch any of the pillows don t do any lounging and maybe you know don t touch any of your friends today finn why not me because finn because why me because i said so ok finn but why me because there might be bugs on the pillows ok now eat your breakfast the thing about lice is that centuries of human familiarity with lice hasn t robbed it of its power it s like leprosy i haven t heard of anyone having leprosy in a really long time but anyone who has seen ben hur knows that leprosy is no joke your skin falls off and then your fingers fall off i don t want leprosy and i don t want lice lice isn t a sexy old timey disease like consumption which makes you think of chopin coughing delicately into an embroidered handkerchief and seems kind of romantic yes i know that consumption is technically tuberculosis but do you know that lice is bugs in your hair feel free to start screaming i did when we got the call i buzz my kids hair on a regular basis and we d avoided five rounds of lice at my kids school so i thought we were home free nope tate had a bug near his ear and needed to be picked up the school checked finn as a precaution and said he was clean but my older son was leaving for outdoor school the next day and i wasn t taking any chances my car screeched into the school parking lot and i left the engine running while i ran in to grab finn tate had already been picked up by tom and with any luck was at home being fumigated inside the school finn sensed my distress and reacted accordingly finn digging in his heels wait why are we going home early me ha ha happy to see you too sport hey chandra waving to another parent i just you know felt like picking you up early because i missed you finn but i want to play soccer me leaning close grabbing shirt and hissing listen buddy your brother has bugs ok in his hair we need to leave right now with finn in the car i sped off for lice knowing you the only nice thing about lice in the modern age is that there are places like lice knowing you lice knowing you is a real place that actually exists it is a salon just like any other salon except that this salon isn t marked from the outside and the only service they offer is the removal of bugs from your person the school had told me that finn was clean but no offense to the school i needed a professional opinion i screeched into the parking lot and dragged finn into the salon where i tried to be really chill about not touching any of the surfaces there a lady sprayed conditioner in finn s hair and then gave finn the first combing of his life no lice i packed finn into the car and we peeled off for home i arrived to find tom and cuz stripping all the beds tate was running around the house stark naked i waved to tate from a safe distance and turned to tom so did you do the lice treatment tom looked up from spraying a mattress with an expression that suggested that he had been dealing with lice and spraying the mattress for approximately seven years instead of the 45 minutes that had elapsed since he d left the school with tate i didn t find anything he said what did he mean he didn t find anything tom wasn t like finn who often asks where his glasses are when they are on his face tom is a finder tom s ability to find things is like number 4 on the top ten things that i love about my husband if tom didn t find lice there were no lice but still the school wouldn t have sent tate home on a tuesday unless they had found some serious lice would they what do you mean you didn t find anything i asked do you even know what lice look like they look like little white grains of rice tom like little white eggs did you even look at any pictures i could feel myself sounding and looking like a howler monkey and was powerless to stop it tom stopped spraying and pulled his body up to full height yoona i know what lice looks like i know what nits look like i looked at the pamphlet in the kit he didn t have any lice well he didn t have to get all hysterical about it i gave him a look and hauled both my boys to the bathroom where i clipped on my trusty number 1 guide and buzzed them clean try clinging onto that fuzz you nasty lice and you nasty nits too til next time mar 19 25 comments the truck effect tom got an f 150 around christmas and it s been a topic of considerable amusement for our friends and family myself i ve moved through various emotional stages with the truck 1 magnanimousness tom works hard he s driven my pos 2003 ford escape for a long time he can t even fully extend his legs in the pos 2003 ford escape he needs this truck and so he shall have it 2 annoyance why won t tom stop talking about the truck why does he spend our evenings in the driveway alone inside the truck isn t that kind of strange how can his truck console already be filled to the brim with stuff like mouthwash and clif bars when he s only had the truck for a week how come i can t eat in his truck when he eats his food in my car and then leaves the wrappers on the floor when i return to the house after being away why does tom rush to the door and ask me if i saw his truck in the driveway and doesn t it look good what is a bed cover why does tom s truck need a bed cover why does tom need to tell me about a bed cover while i m at work why would i care that because his new bed cover folds in three i will never have to take it off why would i ever need to take a bed cover off of a truck what am i a fucking cowboy 3 jealousy ok that didn t feel good when my kids called my car the old car it also didn t feel good when they asked why it feels so small in fact it kind of stung my car is not small i can t even park it by myself in my parking garage and once i hit a post with my far mirror because i didn t realize how big my car was it is that big and by the way it s only a year old and it has stuff that the truck doesn t have like this chrome trim here on the gear shift as anyone will tell you chrome luxury and the truck doesn t have this ambient lighting around the cupholders that i can change to turquoise or purple and this push button start never mind that i can only tell 50 of the time when my car is turned off and that i ve accidentally left it running for two hours at the mall it can come in handy that push button start like if i m ever being chased by a criminal i can run to my car and start it just by pushing a button i don t even have to find any keys tom s truck doesn t have a push button start it also doesn t have these cool sunglasses that i keep in my handy sunglasses keeper ok the truck has a sunglasses keeper but it doesn t have these cool sunglasses 4 resignation well this truck is here to stay apparently and sometimes it s blocking my car in the driveway and i have to drive it so i better figure out how to park it let s take it to the gym where there are big parking spaces 5 acceptance wait a second i like this truck hot guys do double takes when i jump out of this truck they never do that when i jump out of my explorer on the road cars move out of my way when i merge i ve been trying to get them to do that for years i like that when i open the door i have to hold on to the steering wheel just to hoist myself into the driver s seat that s burly and speaking of burly i like that this truck goes with my distressed jeans think i ll turn up the willie s roadhouse and go haul something jan 23 15 comments dad soccer i really look forward to wednesdays wednesdays are when tom goes to play futsal with his team which is made up of dads from my kids school and i submit that hearing the recaps of those games is better than any entertainment you might pay to experience but let s back up if you don t live in portland or some other hipster town or south america you might not even know what futsal is futsal is indoor soccer but with different rules none of which i know my only real knowledge about futsal is that every adult i ve met who has suffered bodily injury during adulthood has done it playing futsal there s keil who broke his toe there s matt who tore his acl there s eden who broke her elbow practicing futsal in her driveway tom is not particularly prone to injury but neither would i describe him as particularly body aware so i had real anxiety about tom playing on a futsal team my anxiety ratcheted up to a fever pitch when i found out that tom s first game would be played at 10 20 pm i mean by 10 20 pm i ve been in bed for an hour and twenty minutes if i ve played my evening right as for tom the only thing i can envision h...