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my hospitalization he blurted that he suffers from chronic back pain which is triggered by sitting for long periods of time which explained the standing thing but did not explain why he wasted money on a perfectly comfortable recliner if he was just going to pace around the whole hour i ve found that shrinks prefer when i avoid personal questions about their footwear and their personal choices so i just nodded my approval of his vertical lifestyle he declared that i ve been misdiagnosed for years apparently i don t suffer from depression which kind of explains why my antidepressants don t really work very well instead he believes i m bipolar and have been misdiagnosed in the past because my manic phases are very short compared to textbook bipolar patients the treatment for bipolar disorder also called manic depression is an entirely different class of drugs which are considered mood stabilizers and which are supposed to level out both the lows and the highs versus just fighting against the lows this sometimes manic diagnosis might explain why i decided to rip of the bathroom floor tile in 2011 and by the next day decided that floor rugs would be a perfect substitution for actual flooring laying in bed and ordering chinese delivery for six months seemed like a much better use of my time and resources he also gave me something for anxiety but that seems only to make me sleepy like an antihistamine so i m not sure if that particular option is going to work out i ve got a med check coming up in three weeks so we ll have to discuss other options xanax at that time meanwhile i m getting closer to moving out of the weird all man household and into the new place just 12 days until i ve got hardwood floors which will make me feel more at home because my mn house is all hardwood floors a big back yard with a garden which will make me feel more at home because i have a big garden in mn and cohabitors who wear shirts which is not true of my mn house but it s different when the shirtless person also sleeps in your bed so things are looking up at the moment hopefully this means i ll soon be blogging about happy things and funny things instead of just crazy things for example i saw a chicken at a garage sale 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels anxiety i m weird and ya ll know it loose screw myphoenix sunday august 04 2013 my anxiety is so bad ya ll i m trying to keep busy i really am i ve noticed that the days when i have made plans to meet an actual human being are the days when i feel the most calm so friday i met a co worker for a cocktail while i waited for a girl date with a woman i met on craigslist who is also looking for friends in the area it was a fun hang and the bartenders were interesting one of the servers is actually from thief river falls mn which i ve heard of but am not sure why everyone was worried about me meeting a stranger from craigslist and were pretty sure i was going to end up dead in a gutter or missing my kidneys but i assured them i d watched craigslist joe the night before so i knew how to survive and maybe even get a movie deal out of it then i met the woman we ll call her sunny and we had another beer well she just had 1 2 a beer but i ll forgive her because she was too beautiful to judge and some gastropub food and we talked about how we ended up in so cal she s from nyc and has been here two and a half years but met her serious boyfriend early into that stint and therefore has neglected her female social circle i m hoping we hang out again sometime preferably after i m medicated again i wasn t ready to go home after she left so the co worker was kind enough to come back and we watched a bunch of drunk people bounce around on the dance floor i also met a gaggle of gay men who were very very young very very pretty and very very drunk one of them looked exactly like neil patrick harris minus 20 years i got a couple of their numbers but am quite sure that a they don t remember me and b they are too young to provide a satisfying hang should i even get the chance to try the servers were all very glad to see that i d survived my incredibly dangerous encounter with a mid twenties it professional i just shrugged and flexed my biceps to show them how i d managed it we walked to a couple more bars but it was late enough that everyone was obnoxious instead of charming i was interested to see a taco stand outside the back door of one bar good idea for selling 2 a m tacos to people trying to sober up enough to drive the co worker bough some food and while he was in line i ended up talking to some other very young stoned surfer types it s universally true that californians believe their state is superior everyone insists i will never want to leave now that i m here which is funny because there hasn t been a moment in the last month that i haven t wanted to run screaming back to minnesota the only things holding me back are the rent i ve already paid for august and september the psychic reading that told me i d feel this way for the first two months and the fact that i haven t eaten at in n out yet oh and august in mn means that it s almost september which may as well be december for all the summer that s left i was telling the stoned surfers that i ve been attending some outings with groups i found on meetup com and one of them was all dude my mom totally loves that website all her friends are from there i think he meant to convey that meetup com is really awesome for some people but what he actually conveyed was that i m a hell of a lot older than him i m in the category of women he associates with his mother yesterday i woke up with a hangover style headache which was weird because i wasn t drunk at any point the night before but i rolled with it and slept most of the day then i started another marathon of the united states of tara on netflix a show about psychiatric disorders which helps me to feel a little less crazy i also decided to treat myself to lunch and a movie but none of the movies looked good so i wasted several dollars in the book store instead i looked for books about dealing with anxiety but those invariably make me want to murder small children i don t want to meditate when i m focusing on keeping my stomach away from my tonsils today i met an acquaintance for lunch and hated every second of it i m not sure if it s the guy i don t like or the fact that my stomach has become permanently lodged in my throat and is a signal that i might freak the fuck out and enter full blown panic mode at any moment outside the restaurant a large group of flamboyantly dressed latin folks congregated and we eventually learned that it s some kind of holiday in bolivia today they were preparing to parade around the outdoor outlet mall i ve never seen so many long braids in one place and i kind of wanted to cut one off and take it with me i m going to avoid introspection about that desire i think that s for the best finally i remembered that a friend recommended vitamin b6 for anxiety so i ran to the world s most hispanic packed wal mart and bought some hopefully it will tide me over until my psychiatrist appointment on friday because for a few minutes today i found myself wondering if i was going to end up in the hospital again then scary ate one of the ear pieces on my ear buds and i spent ten minutes trying to fish the cheese grater looking piece out of her mouth so aside from the crippling anxiety it was a pretty good weekend 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels anxiety loose screw myphoenix we re moving again monday july 29 2013 home sweet nope because i didn t want to live with my dad and stepmother upon my arrival to california i arranged my living situation while i was still in minnesota this means that i moved into a house in orange county sight unseen a house i later learned from almost everyone i ve talked to is in a bad city dangerous city city full of asians hispanics and doughnut shops those three things alone don t seem bad shakopee mn is like the little mexico of the midwest but apparently the area is still up and coming so it s shady to be walking around after dark the stop sign in front of the place is tagged with graffiti front and back but i ve got pepper spray and a seriously dangerous tongue so that doesn t bother me much really the problem is that it s a house with four men four men having lived in a house with four adults for a couple of years i figured it would be a cinch but i forgot that either the man woman ratio has been even or there has been an abundance of vaginas in every case did ya ll know that men are weird there s mr hispanic the retired guy he s going to school to get re certified in automotive smog testing and state certification that s something new to me either minnesota doesn t give a fuck about having clean air or california s air is just that much worse or the broke government in ca just wants additional revenue from drivers getting smog certification testing mr hispanic walks around shirtless all day long but is never without a blue tooth in his ear he just took in two teacup chihuahuas and he spends most of his time trying to get them to poop outside then there s the nameless black guy i say that because no one in the house knows his name literally no one i introduced myself once when we met in the hallway and he turned around went into his bedroom and shut the door he has tall hair and makes frequent righteously indignant phone calls while pacing the property there s also john the uber religious guy who works two jobs and goes to school and also at some point was an aspiring model or is one i m not sure i just know i saw his head shots and he could totally be a model tall with eyelashes nearly as tall as he is he s the one who contacted me about the room being available the landlady was going to try to find a disabled tenant and john felt this would make the living situation awkward or something i wasn t really listening after i saw his pictures the fourth guy was originally thin white kid also didn t catch his name but he moved out and we think in with a maybe pregnant girlfriend so then mr hispanic s also hispanic brother moved in the brother is very nice but is painfully shy the other day i was walking into the garage and he was walking towards the bathroom startled to see me he apologized for existing and practically ran back the way he d come then there s filipino the landlady she lives in the home kind of i ve never met her i guess she does in home health care and is rarely at her own house so mr hispanic is kind of in charge in her absence actually i guess the rules are in charge there are pieces of paper posted to the walls in nearly every room of the house coming from my house in minnesota that i own this has been quite a shock to the system also made me wonder why i never thought to post house rules in my own home seeing as i have two tenants at any given time then again aside from last year s zebra cakes tenant i ve never run into problems but the landlady is very serious about her rules some of which are such basic courtesy that it makes me scared to live here my favorite is that you must spray air freshener after using the bathroom she says there are 4 scents to choose from but you ll notice that the note was dated may 2012 so now we re down to only 1 actually i bought one scent myself but it mysteriously disappeared around the time when think white kid moved out i m guessing he needed it to mask the smell of his pregnant girlfriend between the penis and the rules after owning my own place for so long i m really not feeling at home here so after a little less than a month i ve decided i m moving the fuck out i found another room nearby in a house with a young couple their two daughters and another female tenant it feels more like home than this place and it s a little cheaper scary hates it there because they have three other extremely hyper dogs however scary is old and does nothing but lay around in my bedroom i m sure i can run interference if necessary if not well i can always move again 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels anxiety myphoenix we re moving again sunday july 21 2013 it s been a few minutes and a few hundred miles when last we spoke i was pacing my living room in shakopee minnesota filled with righteous indignation and full blow panic over my doctor s refusal to refill a medication that was supposed to keep me calm right now i m laying in a stranger s bed in my rented room in a primarily asian neighborhood of santa ana california riding out the hopefully last few days of an ear infection and the only medication i m on is amoxicillin it s been a weird month wherein i accepted a transfer to my employer s so cal office purposefully went off my medication packed myself and scary up and moved to california my step grandmother just died daylow is desperate for me to come back to minnesota and i ve been sick for a week with no hearing in my left ear i feel incredibly out of place here but i m sure that will pass given longer than a couple weeks i m hoping this move will kick the winter sad right in the ass but for the time being i m alone and lonely i m hoping the change of scenery will inspire me to be healthier and happier but for now i m just sick i m hoping i ll make new friends and meet new people and that is starting to happen and will likely continue after i feel better and start going to meetup groups again i m hoping i ll start writing again but at the moment this feels very forced and fake but you have to start somewhere huh any where better to start than a zip code in orange county ironically the cable here doesn t include bravo so i can t watch the real housewives of the oc 6 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels loose screw myphoenix we re moving again older posts home subscribe to posts atom zipbag of bones on youtube search the archives if you dare the vault the vault april 2020 2 september 2013 1 august 2013 2 july 2013 2 may 2013 1 april 2013 2 october 2012 1 september 2012 1 august 2012 1 june 2012 1 february 2012 1 january 2012 7 december 2011 4 november 2011 1 october 2011 3 september 2011 4 august 2011 12 july 2011 10 june 2011 17 may 2011 11 april 2011 12 march 2011 4 february 2011 10 january 2011 10 december 2010 8 november 2010 4 october 2010 3 september 2010 11 august 2010 14 july 2010 2 june 2010 7 may 2010 6 april 2010 10 march 2010 11 february 2010 7 january 2010 12 december 2009 12 november 2009 13 october 2009 11 september 2009 13 august 2009 13 july 2009 10 june 2009 16 may 2009 16 april 2009 19 march 2009 18 february 2009 17 january 2009 25 december 2008 38 november 2008 37 october 2008 19 september 2008 13 january 2007 1 july 2006 1 june 2006 3 complaint department zipbagofbones at gmail dot com this explains nothing twe...