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Text of the page (random words):
that people love you for it you very much do you own thing and probably by extention you re the only one who can do the things you do you re rarely found alone but you d get along great with other people like yourself you re probably the only element that should try to find a mate who is just like you oh and too much of you in a high pressure situation can make other people act drunk or die my test tracked 4 variables how you compared to other people your age and gender you scored higher than 18 on mass you scored higher than 93 on electroneg you scored higher than 26 on metal you scored higher than 92 on radioactivity link the which chemical element am i test written by effataigus posted by esther wilberforce packard at 4 11 pm no comments friday april 01 2005 what i put up with today zoe made a point of catching my eye and holding her gerolsteiner water bottle to her bosom like it was a beloved infant i looooooooove my gerolsteiner she cooed sick posted by esther wilberforce packard at 9 41 pm no comments sunday march 27 2005 this just in i am nothing without zoe the other day zoë asked me if i d given up on the zoetracker and i said no i hadn t given up because you can t give it up i give your life meaning she insisted you are nothing without me then she cackled like a toothless hag stuffed half of a day old croissant in her mouth and staggered back to her desk may you choke on your hubris or your croissant i said but i don t think she heard me posted by esther wilberforce packard at 4 02 pm no comments i don t give rat s nads about zoe s primate zoë has a monkey thing on her wallpaper and she keeps telling me come look at my primate and hey come look at my primate and why don t you ever come over here and look at my primate pffft i have better things to do than look at zoë s primate and whenever i give in and look at zoë s primate zoë says look at his mouth and chin look at the mouth and chin look how cute it is christ almighty stop harassing me with that tedious primate already i m about to call security posted by esther wilberforce packard at 3 45 pm no comments saturday march 26 2005 zoe is not here today i was just thinking about how badly i don t want cake right now and how if somebody put a piece of cake in front of me i might cry i wouldn t burst out in tears right away i would sit silently for a moment staring at the hated cake and slowly the tears would come because i don t want any cake right now doesn t anyone understand me update while i was on the phone amy put the following note on my desk there s a white cake w white icing in the breakroom posted by esther wilberforce packard at 3 07 pm 1 comment saturday march 05 2005 what is e t short for today zoe told me an e t joke and i laughed a little bit but zoe positively roared she was out of her seat and rolling on the floor i thought the joke was funny but not that funny later she walked by my desk and said i think you should put that joke in the zoe log and then she started giggling again i ll think about it i told her sternly i m not sure she understands the serious nature of this blog and furthermore i m not sure i want to compromise my personal integrity with a wildcat e t joke answer so he can fit into his spaceship posted by esther wilberforce packard at 4 11 pm 3 comments zoe must acquire a proper cusscabulary whew long time no track i was sick and then zoe was in england anyway it occurred to me yesterday that zoë never swears no cussing no cursing no lords name in vain no nothing pathetic it is one of her signature flaws she is even opposed to using the word anus it doesn t make any sense posted by esther wilberforce packard at 3 15 pm no comments sunday february 06 2005 old west zoe if zoe lived in the old west who would she be i hesitate to suggest that she would be a prostitute because who likes the sound of that but really very few professions would have been open to her she s not really madam material not openly bitchy enough and rarely loud maybe she would marry an old west venture capitalist and die as a result of some ill begotten suicide pact i suppose it would have been up to her i also suppose that had i discussed this topic with her before posting this she would say that she d have been a wild woman abandoned by her banker fiance bunking in a utah cave with a friendly wild pig she named the juice posted by esther wilberforce packard at 8 33 pm no comments saturday february 05 2005 random zoe quotation it s 3 30 on a saturday afternoon look how dirty that white car is posted by esther wilberforce packard at 8 27 pm no comments just use a clip zoe told me that the heavy duty stapler hasn t been working properly and she demonstrated this by unsuccessfully stapling 73 pages i told her to use a big clip she said she couldn t use a big clip so i just kept repeating my clip suggestion until she walked to her desk posted by esther wilberforce packard at 8 22 pm 1 comment saturday january 29 2005 i ve produced a solid octopus blueprint zoe is knitting crap for everybody or so she says i told her to knit me an octopus and i drew a detailed diagram of the octopus i want so we ll see what turns up if the product is not true to my diagram i m going to drop the luggage on her figuratively at least and literally if at all possible posted by esther wilberforce packard at 8 13 pm 1 comment the parasite pals give some irritation but much fun and love is to be shared zoë was looking at tapeworm photos online then she said that maybe she wasn t cut out for nursing school who is then she found the parasite pals website nice movies under fun stuff if i hadn t been howling with laughter i d have barfed on the keyboard the holly hostess eraser has a hole in her tummy that holds another eraser in the shape of tickles tapeworm s head posted by esther wilberforce packard at 8 03 pm no comments saturday january 22 2005 i prefer lemonheads re boston baked beans candy i thought they had candy centers but it turns out they have peanut centers zoe said that boston baked beans have a bumpy candy coating but annette looked them up online and they have a smooth candy coating i think annette uncovered some more information about the bumpy coating but i had lost interest by that time perhaps boston baked beans would be more popular if they had a mascot with facial features right now they re represented by a big faceless pot of beans posted by esther wilberforce packard at 8 44 pm 1 comment zoe needs to get some air zoe was combative today she swiped at me with her claws she also brought me two snacks so things evened out in the end posted by esther wilberforce packard at 8 27 pm no comments wednesday january 12 2005 zoe has a plan zoe told me that she is rereading the hitchhiker s guide to the galaxy in preparation for the upcoming film release while i would never claim that zoe has gone entirely mental i am tempted to do so now i will resist decrying her publicly if she will agree to fight me with tiny french pistols on a wb reality show posted by esther wilberforce packard at 10 01 pm 1 comment calm your nerves stranger sexylovepits if that is her real name has reprimanded me for tracking zoe poorly i think it s a question of perspective zoe is a squirrely hologram and i have other things to do sometimes like picking the dead leaves off my houseplants or sitting on a chair posted by esther wilberforce packard at 9 43 pm 2 comments saturday january 01 2005 hi i m zoe today when zoe came into the office she was already wearing her nametag this leads me to believe that either she wore her nametag home yesterday or she has gone mad and is wearing her nametag everywhere she goes the latter seems more likely posted by esther wilberforce packard at 9 00 pm 2 comments i will be hungry zoë said that she would probably have chinese food later today did she ask me if i wanted any no did she offer to purchase and deliver my chinese food to me no and she knows how much i love food and how difficult it is for me to talk others into purchasing it for me and bringing it to me she knows i hate doing things but still nothing now i ll probably have to ask someone else to go buy me some food it probably won t even be chinese food sometimes i wonder how i get through the day posted by esther wilberforce packard at 8 29 pm no comments happy new year no presents today zoë worked for about 20 minutes she did not bring me anything i expect her to bring me stuff this time of year and none of that lame stuff i want good stuff like a pan of scotcheroos in fact i would have been half content had she only walked up to me and said scotcheroo i would also have been content with one of those large barbie hairstyling heads the thing about zoë is that she never asks me what i want so she doesn t know what to get for me posted by esther wilberforce packard at 8 20 pm no comments tuesday december 28 2004 pretzels today zoe asked if she could have some of my newman s own pretzels so i gave her some about 15 minutes later she came back and asked for more pretzels so i gave her more pretzels then later in the afternoon she asked for more pretzels so i just handed her the bag and told her to take them with her ten minutes after that she reappeared at my desk with the pretzel bag it was empty except for a lot of stray salt at the bottom here i thought you d like your salt back she said posted by esther wilberforce packard at 10 21 pm no comments monday december 27 2004 cinnamon candy just last week zoe reminded me how much she dislikes cinnamon candy i told her that i don t like cinnamon candy either but that sometimes i like those little red hots she smelled weakness and insisted again that she really didn t like cinnamon candy i insisted that i also really didn t like cinnamon candy zoe just stared at me o it was a cold cold stare but it was more than just a cold stare it was the flinty glare of a purist idea annette keeps cinnamon candy on her desk because she knows that it is the only candy that zoe will not pilfer posted by esther wilberforce packard at 9 33 pm no comments time for pie i m going to track zoe better after christmas i told myself before christmas as you can see i am off to a super double extra excellent start zoe was not at work today so i ate all of the gummy bears off her desk tomorrow she will probably read this and say but i never had any gummy bears on my desk that s right zoe i will reply because i ate them posted by esther wilberforce packard at 9 23 pm no comments tuesday december 21 2004 meaty cheesy i told zoe that i cut into the hickory farms beef stick she didn t really care i m sure that if i had ripped into the hickory farms suisse cheese pasteurized process cheese food she would have left me in a cloud of dust in her rush to gorge herself at its suissey teat maybe i should open it just to see her run posted by esther wilberforce packard at 5 13 pm no comments zero implementation zoe keeps working in the other office i asked her why she can t work in our office and she said that she needs to be able to talk to the rest of the i t staff so i suggested that she put the i t department on speakerphone and then she said that she needs to use their computer so i suggested that she bring that special computer over here and put i t on speakerphone then she just kind of walked away while eating some of the free christmas cookies that are deluging the office she didn t even try to implement my ideas apparently she wants no part in the wireless revolution or any other revolution that would allow her to toil in the good office posted by esther wilberforce packard at 5 11 pm no comments zoe saved a fish zoe is a stinky hero she saw a live fish on the floor in her basement and she swooped upon it and plooped it back into it s tank now her hands stink but that fish will never forget her selfless gesture actually the fish was probably in shock and had no idea who was saving him so he never knew enough to forget good work zoe posted by esther wilberforce packard at 5 11 pm no comments thursday december 16 2004 ooooooffooooooooof ooooooo i feel so sick zoe gave me a packet of angel s delight instant dessert in barmy banana flavour and naturally i whisked it up and ate the whole thing in one sitting the picture is very small but what can i do i am too beastly full to google a bigger picture the packet says instant dessert for little angels i m going to assume that zoe passed this dessert on to me because i am a little angel and not because the packaging includes the word barmy re our usage contretemps of the days of yore posted by esther wilberforce packard at 3 46 pm no comments monday december 13 2004 code zoe called from far away and wanted to know among other things the current office gossip rather that admit to her that i am not the go to person for gossip i told her that i would write down all the current gossip in code that way she will never know how little i know here it is can you crack it i can t things around the office have never been better uncle fluoride cleaned teeth and prevented cavities from here to there influenza was a problem in 1918 people died but nobody knew whom to blame uncle fluoride blamed the government and said so in a 70 page tract written in milk on black paper not a success someone blasted a hole into the side of the uss pony with a raft full of burning aerosol cans imagine the confusion the galley slaves rowed on but demanded slippers for their feet the bowels of a ship can be a cold place when the slippers came they fell like rain i did not get a pay raise big pocket says are you kidding posted by esther wilberforce packard at 9 25 am no comments wednesday december 08 2004 word from the front i received word from zoe she was kind enough to forward me a list of what she s consumed somehow it s not enough why isn t she eating more does she want to waste away and more importantly does she want me to waste away and why did she eat celery doesn t she know that she can get that here dairylea on bread ratatouille sp half pint budweiser victorian sponge cake greek yogurt satsumas banana broccoli celery cranberry brie and lettuce wrap peking ribs crisps smokey bacon and stilton crisps mince pie toffee bakewell lots of coffee wine gums fruit gums i am concerned that toffee bakewell is not plural typo really just one america has the boringest chips on the planet nacho chili cheese au gratin onion n chive dill pickle barbecue kiss my ass frito lay get on the ball peking ribs brother posted by esther wilberforce packard at 7 11 pm no comments tuesday december 07 2004 open letter to zoe dear zoe sitting in an english cyber cafe update i changed my desktop wallpaper from scenic countryside to jason bateman now that i m running the office i think it s important that folks know which celebrities i support i know what you re thinking but he doesn t have an upper lip you re wrong woman it s there it s no angelina jolie lip that s for sure she s a freak but the lip is th...