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Text of the page (random words):
on the end of my finger like a scary lollipop but i knew that couldn t be because my finger didn t make that echoed fwomp sound when i dislodged it from my brain stem and pulled it out my nostril 2 i love how sparkly you stay but it is highly distracting when i am driving down the road and can t stop staring at my pretty nails on the steering wheel sooo pretty i ve almost hit at least 8 parked cars since my last manicure again in your defense my bad ass wedding ring adds to the sparkle distraction my suggestion is to make people sign agreements when they get a gel manicure the agreement should also have a warning and make people promise they won t sue if they accidentally turn their fingers into eyeball lollipops or their insurance rates go up because they can t snap themselves out of a sparkle trance here s a picture of my latest gel manicure i removed my eyeball and spinal goo yes i know the color is all kinds of wrong for my pasty self but after being in the military for 10 years and having to have man hands i get really excited about being allowed to do obnoxious things plus my ring is just so awesome doesn t it look like i have arthritis lol my ring is bangin though comments 3 comments categories uncategorized dear readers 20 nov i just read through some of my old posts because i am all excited at the prospect of having a chance to write in here again you can sort of blame the bloggess who i obsessed over for about 3 hours today anyway i realized that i haven t told you anything so since last we talked i married this guy go me and he is in the kitchen in an apron making me a gourmet italian meal right now not exaggerating i told you so so that means i am a mother of 3 now fun good lord do i ever have a million things to tell you about this i also quit my job thank god i m going to school now plus doing portraits and other freelance photography and working on a book sigh all 11 pages of it a d d is such a nightmare but i got this really cool voice notes thing and now instead of having journals and blogs and little bits of paper with writing strewn about everywhere i have voice notes the down side is that i have to listen to my own voice don t you hate that ugh is that really what i sound like oh and i m happy hmmmm i m probably boring you by now i just didn t feel like i could move forward here without updating on the past otherwise a lot of crap wouldn t make sense like the woman that tried to make me un fat her at a photo shoot what more on that later okay too much wine since the last post i m outtie before i start to look even more dumber er er er kelly comments 3 comments categories uncategorized dear fellow aacc students 25 aug no i am not a teacher at anne arundel community college yes i realize i am way older than you but i am here to learn also 29 is not old please stop asking me where your classroom is because i am just as lost probably even more so than you no i cannot help you with your homework unless you need a paper proofread this particularly applies to math the best i can do with math is calculate a tip using the app on my phone while i am at it you seriously amaze me i love how you youngens embrace life and express yourself you re still so optimistic it is fabulous to see on another note it is completely inappropriate to take your shoes off in class or to ask a professor to call you a ridiculous nickname anyway folks happy learning kelly p s i started a new blog for one of my classes called news and bologna feel free to take a gander tags blog blogging college kids life news stupid comments 1 comment categories uncategorized dear birth control pamphlet writers 27 jun i m in a very helpful mood it should last approximately 45 seconds so in those 45 seconds i thought i would write some suggestions to put in your pamphlet side effects may include but are not limited to the following rage fatigue hair loss application of too much tanning oil feeling misunderstood feeling like a failure feeling guilty because you are a misunderstood failure feelings of stupidity for whining about how you feel drafting awkwardly personal blogs needy ness excessive crying during animated features especially sponge bob square pants hopelessness yelling at children for doing child like things general annoyance at all living things hiding under bed covers crying at your own naked reflection binge eating burritos after a trip to the gym kicking your dishwasher inability to go to work crying about laundry throwing aforementioned laundry at walls while crying about it procrastinating about yard work to include poop scooping and mowing feeling overwhelmed panick attacks triggered by general untidiness of the house depression tequila and 1 000 cigarettes overwhelming urge to change hairstyles hopelessness about your appearance begging god for mercy and peace urges to throw birth control in the garbage and stab the bastards who made it please consult your doctor immediately if you fantasize about any of the following de barking all dogs in a 20 mile radius breaking glass objects until the need to see things shatter disappears stabbing people having a no baby talk law passed in the state of maryland lighting your own house on fire once loved ones are safely outside just so you don t have to clean it punching ex husband in the face so you can watch him bleed throwing a temper tantrum in hopes of getting it all out running away to a cabin in the mountains to be alone forever do not take this product if you are already a crazy person you like babies anyway side effects vary from person to person they may be a compound product of general life stress and birth control hormones either way this product will make you a wreck we wouldn t recommend it if we didn t make so much money you re welcome kelly tags baggage blog dark family kids life lifestyle opinion sex smoking stupid thoughts comments 3 comments categories uncategorized dear boredom 24 jun you made me write a whole blog on poop earlier today how dare you now everyone knows i m ridiculous i did read an article on boredom a few years back that i really liked but i do not think it applies to poop here is is the joy of boredom by carolyn johnson the boston globe boredom s doldrums were unavoidable yet primordial soup for some of life s most quintessentially human moments a long drive home after a frustrating day could force ruminations a pang of homesickness at the start of a plane ride might put a journey in perspective we are most human when we feel dull lulling around in a state of restlessness is on of life s greatest luxuries one not available to creatures that spend all their time pursuing mere survival to be bored is to stop reacting to the external world and to explore the internal one it is in these times of reflection tat people often discover something new whether it is an epiphany about a relationship or a new theory about the way the universe works granted many people emerge from boredom feeling that they have accomplished nothing but is accomplishment really the point of life there is a strong argument that boredom so often parodied as a glassy eyed drooling state of nothingness is an essential human emotion that underlies art literature philosophy science and even love anyway stop making me look stupid kelly tags stupid comments 2 comments categories uncategorized dear poo sample people 24 jun first off i chose not to divulge how we met however i would like to know how it is that you became a poo sample person it s a very strange profession to be a poo person you take it so seriously too you give out little chopsticks and baggies you give instructions on the best methodology for poo sampling example poop on paper plate then take your sample from there the thought of this has completely ruined swedish meatballs for me they now look like poo on a plate and i can t eat them i blame you for that poo sample person i used to love swedish meatballs also where is it that one should store a sample while they wait to produce the next sample i cannot for the life of me think of a good place to store poo i am very glad that in my experience the poo sample storage location was kept secret i think you are happy people do you say thank you when someone hands you a bag of poo do you tell new acquaintances you are a poo sample person is there a poo sample certificate you can get in community college is it brown i m sorry i m just curious kelly p s poo is such a funny word so is fart i m so mature it hurts tags comedy fun funny humor life lifestyle musings sarcastic stupid comments 9 comments categories uncategorized dear blogofmine 22 jun hi there i thought i would drop a line since it has been so long you know how it is life gets so crazy i promise to be better about keeping in touch i think about you all the time i jot down things i d like to tell you so much has changed you wouldn t even believe i m still me i have my moments only now i love that about myself i gained a lot of clarity my house grew from two people to six people and i lost an organ i imagine the first parts of this letter will be a little depressing but keep reading it gets better i think back in february i had a major melt down that completely changed my life it is a very long story i ve typed up in many different ways to put on here but decided against it simply did not match the tone of this particular blog also it s a little depressing to make a very long story short ish i was under a deadline at work i missed the deadline a co worker pushed my buttons i had a series of panic attacks and followed them up with a few pain killers and some wine i know it s not smart if i could go back in time and smack myself i would the problem may have been that there was no one there to smack me anyway the dumbest moment of my life led to a lot of clarity i began doing cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety i switched jobs my mom is staying with me for a bit i fell in love i suddenly see value in myself in my life and am living in reality again vice the selfish world of self loathing i d chosen to call home if you re worried about daughterofmine don t she was completely unaware and taken care of the thought of her beautiful innocent face and the joy she brings me makes me feel even more stupid for that moment i only felt alone but was not a lot of people loved me enough to be there immediately the moments i thought held only darkness and hopelessness gave birth to faith peace love and more hope than i ve ever experienced i can say now i am truly happy so about that fell in love stuff i m not kidding you know him too it s this guy no he s not def no i have not scared him off or eaten his head like a praying mantis yet yes i think he will stick around for a bit yes he s even read this no i have no idea what he sees in me and feel luckier every day it s all so crazy i didn t even believe in love i didn t believe in happiness the thing is he truly understands me and i understand him he can even embrace my darkness the parts i hide we are two peas in a pod and all the other gooshy vegetable metaphors for love you can think of sometimes he says hi pot and i reply hellloooo kettle isn t that gross it s sickening really we are kissy and smushy we eat a lot of sushi and call each other babe we hold hands and kiss in public we laugh in bed at night we try to hide our farts from each other he makes me float i m officially a corny romantic comedy rainbows butterflies glitter laughter and puppies no joke the best part is that he comes with two spicy little gingers that nabbed my heart from day one the oldest 10 is so sweet smart and matter of fact i m naming her oldestofmine the youngest 7 is hungry all the time she is also a silly creative little spitfire i m naming her eaterofmine in addition daughterofmine is happier than i have ever seen her i totally have an insta family it s awesome especially for someone like me who had accepted the fact that i would die alone and had given up dreams of the big family i always hoped for i think it was piehole or working tech mom that told me not to lose hope thank you i think my hopelessness for myself did die that day you know my grandma used to say that god gives you more than you could ever imagine pretty much because my house is jam packed with my little ponies and man clothes they are all up in my space and stuff god i love it speaking of daughterofmine she turned 6 lost her first two teeth and graduated kindergarten since we last talked she is all the wonderful things she ever was except now she doesn t beg me for a daddy and some brothers and sisters i don t have to explain to her anymore that i am not capable of these things she s so big i cherish every second with her as i always have i almost let go of that in reality she was what made my attempt a half hearted one when you have babies you have hope even when you think it is gone in other news my stupid appendix revolted against me in may not nice fuck that thing anyway who needs it especially considering that the pathology reports concluded that there was a carcinogenic tumor on the appendix sneaky little bastard that s the same thing that killed audrey hepburn if i hadn t had appendicitis i wouldn t have known about the cancer i m just sayin it came at a time when i was suddenly aware of god s hand in my life he likes to show himself in some pretty crazy ways the thing is i m not even this perfect person i say fuck sometimes i smoke cigarettes er used to er trying not to for obvious reasons i m having a ton of premarital sex right now but i guess that has nothing to do with anything it s your heart that matters don t forget that just try and do your best to pay it forward i guess acknowledge the blessings try to be happy i don t know any other way to show how thankful i am to him anyway that s where i am now blogofmine happy and fulfilled a million lifetimes away from where i was appreciative of all that i have been given happy with myself loving the people around me learning ways to deal with my ocd learning ways to let people in hows that for smushy just don t expect all letters to end on this happy note for realsies though let s try to stay in touch better we should do coffee without rice and catch up my treat love kelly tags all baggage boyfriends children comedy dark dateing funny god happy home humor inspiration kids life lifestyle love my life parenting personal random reflections relationships sad sex smoking stupid suicide thoughts updates work comments 8 comments categories uncategorized dear teacher s aide for daughterofmine 11 mar yes i am avoiding you i know that i owe you 12 for the school picture you gave me when you assumed i would be a responsible adult and pay you back i realize it has been almost two months and i have told you repeatedly that oops i don t have cash i ll bring it in the morning i m so sorry the truth is i never have cash i also never remember that i owe you money until i am walking daughterofmin...
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