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Text of the page (random words):
ple and the risks involved with them simply because we re not trying to get you to play with us and unconsciously glossing over any risks in the process that doesn t mean that all bottoms are automatically trustworthy they aren t manipulative and uninformed bottoms exist or that you should never trust a top who offers to explain things to you or mentor you although i would advise extra caution and careful assessing of the real life power dynamics at play if mentoring very quickly turns out to be doing bdsm with that top 3 and finally no matter who you are and what your role is you should never just have one person or group as your single source of information about anything including your top dom domme no matter how much you love and or trust them if you use just one source of input it s a lot easier for other people to selectively withhold information from you or give you wrong information to begin with to non consensually manipulate you and to potentially even abuse you which is also true in non kinky circumstances 4 especially when you re new to bdsm in general or to d s dynamics that aren t scene based so make sure you have more than one source for your input on possible play types and relationship styles and about the potential risks and suitable safety precautions associated with the things you want to do 5 what can tops learn from bottoms so yes bottoms should absolutely learn from other bottoms however i also strongly believe that tops should learn from bottoms including but not limited to the bottoms they actually play with why because while solo bdsm also exists bdsm is generally thought of as a partnered activity or a team activity if you play with more than one other person at a time and everyone involved in it has valuable information to offer and experiences to share to wholly dismiss the perspective of bottoms as irrelevant to top education or to assume tops can t learn anything valuable from us including some topping skills is to be naively uninformed at best and arrogantly ignorant at worst the paragraph about not relying on a single source of information in the previous section also applies to tops of course unfortunately manipulative and abusive bottoms submissives exist as well and tops may want to put up some shields against them too so what is it that tops can and should learn from bottoms most importantly tops can learn from bottoms how we experience the things we do together because even when we re really expressive during a scene there s always a part of our experience that isn t visible from the outside then there s the whole range of what it is that we do during a scene and before after a scene to make things work and feel good for all involved i m sure that observant tops can deduce several of these things on their own but bottoms and switches who bottom still have first hand internal experience with these things that again isn t always visible tops can also learn from and with bottoms what signs and signals to watch out for in reading us and how to communicate with us during a scene and finally bottoms can also teach tops quite a few topping skills even if we ve never topped a scene in our entire life however many people don t want us to do so a while ago kinky lotus exasperatedly wrote on twitter experienced bottoms are still only seen as being able to help new bottoms learn to stretch and communicate about nerve issues and new tops want new bottoms who won t tell them how bad their rope is experienced tops want new bottoms that will fawn all over them and tell them how amazing they are nobody wants a bottom that will tell you your tk is shit you didn t look them in the eyes once the whole tie 6 while kinky lotus has expressed these issues in rope specific terms the underlying principle is also true in other forms of bdsm in my experience few tops sadly especially experienced ones want a bottom who will tell them their aim is consistently off and their flogger strands keep wrapping in ways that clearly aren t intentional no matter if it s done during a scene or sometime afterwards i am occasionally annoyed by my own reluctance to criticize a top about their topping technique especially when it s something objectively wrong e g you rarely hit the spot you aimed for and it didn t seem like you did that on purpose or you repeatedly hit my back hip bones and not just a matter of taste or compatibility e g i would have preferred more less thud than sting or i would have liked a slower faster increase in intensity more so when it s a casual partner i don t have an established friendship or other relationship with already nevertheless even if it makes us uncomfortable saying these things is important so these tops can become aware that they re continuously missing the spot or failed to do a basic safety check feel ask where the pelvic bones are located on this particular person s body and even if you ve already decided not to play with that top ever again please take one for the team if you can and tell them for the benefit of their next bottom who may be newer and more clueless than you 7 why would bottoms know anything about topping but why would bottoms know anything about topping to begin with aren t we speaking outside of our area of expertise here nope first of all as bottoms we are the recipients of topping and therefore the ones who know best how things feel from that side of the interaction whether we play with pain sensation power control restraint service or a mix thereof more generally we often have first hand knowledge of what type of impact toy will feel stingy thuddy or burning which will reverberate deeply or stay on the surface which will feel concentrated or dispersed thanks to xan west for that distinction in terms often even if we ve never played with that particular toy before bottoms can describe nuances of pain or humiliation or devotion or that many tops can t even sense because as more than one sadist top has told me to them it all just hurts when they try a toy on themselves or imagine themselves in the bottom position and bottoms can tell you what part of an implement actually landed where because well it s our body it landed on we know which top actions support us which challenge us in welcome ways which harm us which annoy us and which just do nothing for us both inside and outside of a scene 8 especially if we ve been doing this stuff for years or decades even aside from that there isn t and shouldn t be a magic barrier that keeps bottoms from learning stuff about topping whether it s in a workshop which we may attend even though it may not be aimed at us if only to serve as a training model for our top from a book or blog post from a conversation with a top or a switch who tops during a scene or in a reflection of one afterwards also just like tops many of us have physical and or mental skills from our non kinky life that we can draw on to understand and explain how certain topping techniques work i m thinking of a wide range of skills and related occupations and hobbies here racket sports yoga or acrobatics martial arts partner dance physiotherapy and medicine in general sex work acting coaching or teaching of humans and or animals caregiving household office event organization management skills military or law enforcement and so on while none of these things are the same as bdsm we can still often transfer our respective skills from one area to another and while i m sure there are some topping skills that need a lot of practice and that are genuinely hard to teach if you didn t put in that practice yourself e g stuff like advanced florentine flogging there are a lot of things tops do that really are not that hard technically speaking which doesn t mean they re any less fun or effective 9 furthermore lots of aspects of a partnered activity can be taught from either side whether that s partner dancing foot massage or different types of bdsm we re not always used to seeing that but that doesn t mean it isn t possible and if tops can teach bootblacking or deep throating to bottoms which hardly anyone ever questions they can then bottoms can surely teach fundamental impact play technique and safety how where to attach and remove a bunch of clamps or where to place rope to minimize the risk of nerve damage oh and bottom leaning switches exist too so yes many bottoms can explain and often demonstrate too at least the basic handling and function of a toy technique and relevant safety considerations just as well as tops can i would even argue that a high conscience of one s own body a theoretical understanding of the forces physical anatomical and mental involved with a specific bdsm activity and the ability to explain and demonstrate these things in a way someone else can understand are actually more important skills in teaching at least basic topping skills than extended topping experience so there really is no reason why bottoms categorically shouldn t also be able to teach some topping skills where can you learn from bottoms now that i ve hopefully convinced you that you too should learn from bottoms where can you do that this learning from bottoms can take place informally like in a chat between friends or in a conversation at a munch or of course by observing and and talking to your own bottom partner s including professional submissives if you work with them i actually believe this is a very common way to learn about kink not least because it s a lot more accessible than a workshop or a demonstration for many of us the drawback to such informal teaching is that it s harder to plan for and that the information given is often less carefully selected and well structured to enable effective learning compared to a good book video or workshop you can also learn from bottoms in a more formal setting such as a workshop or demonstration with the caveat that many workshops still don t include much input from and about the bottom perspective i m still a fan of them and encourage you to participate in them if you can they offer the opportunity to get input from the presenter s exchange experiences with other attendees and hear different perspectives try out a new technique in a non scene setting and get immediate feedback and of course to meet others who share your interest in that type of play that said in person workshops aren t accessible for all of us and not everyone learns well in such a setting what i m saying about workshops however often also applies to other formats of formal bdsm education such as books blogs podcasts videos or online workshops i also would count sessions with sex workers professional submissives here when they are primarily used for a teaching purpose there s also an area of overlap between formal and informal teaching such as private one on one mentoring either in person or to a degree online for example you might find an experienced bottom friend or acquaintance who agrees to teach you something in a sort of mini workshop for one 10 i know more than one experienced bottom who delights in explaining to a new top how something is done and then serving as their practice model whether that s in a more workshoppy context or in an actual scene while some bottoms may find this type of teaching incompatible with their own submissiveness others are either fine with teaching from a non submissive headspace or they frame the teaching as a service they perform for their dominant or the community at large as with every other bdsm activity it s not the activity as such that determines one s role but the way the participants frame it over the course of a kinky lifetime i recommend that you find a variety of bottoms to learn from in different contexts if they we charge money for our services pay what they we ask or find someone better suited to your budget if we don t charge money try offering something else in return for our efforts from a heartfelt thank you to a cup of coffee or a nice dinner to some knowledge of your own to a task you can do for them us bottoms and our skills and services are unfortunately still too often taken for granted so explicitly acknowledging and honoring them and yes paying for them if applicable is a good way to help change that this is an excellent place to link to my patreon right as you can see there are many reasons why both bottoms and tops should learn from bottoms many things that can be learned from us and lots of ways to find and access our educational offers the next post the final one in this series at least for the time being will discuss the issues that can come up for bottoms who teach especially when we teach while we bottom it will also look at collaborative learning and teaching done by bottoms and tops together notes 1 a disclaimer first not every sentence in this post applies to every single bottom or top of course the expertise and teaching skill of an individual bottom or top is as varied as the range and duration of our experience with bdsm the variety and expertise of the partners we ve shared it with our level of interest in reflection and explanation of kinky matters and our communication skills in general not every bottom or top who is amazing to play with is also good at explaining things about that experience not every bottom or top who has a lot of accurate theoretical knowledge always has the same range of experience as well not every bottom or top knows every type of bdsm technique or relationship so please make your own assessments of the people you meet and or read about myself included and potentially want to learn from 2 some examples of what bottoms may tell other bottoms about certain tops this top has bad aim but is great with psychological play they re a hot fuck but bad with power dynamics they often push limits that people don t want to have pushed they re a great partner for a scene but not so great in a relationship they have major jealousy issues they ve repeatedly violated people s boundaries despite being told to stop each of these things are probably good to know even if they re not necessarily a dealbreaker for all of us 3 if only to avoid the kind of submissive training offered by some tops dominants that really is just manipulation exploitation and emotional abuse of often young and or inexperienced bottoms who don t know enough to understand what they re getting into there which makes their consent questionable at best 4 i want to emphasize that abuse is of course never the fault of the one who is has been abused however as someone who has been emotionally abused and gaslighted by a former intimate partner not a cis man by the way i still find it helpful to think of strategies that may reduce the risk of such abuse happening again and to acknowledge that i still had some agency during that relationship even though i was making choices based on the highly distorted information and often outright lies i received from that partner the abuse was still entirely the fault of my ex...
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