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description= Humor, mutts, menoapuse & merlot..bloggie style;
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10 am filed under comedy dogs humor menopause and humor motherhood mayhem mutts menopause merlot mayhem humor life experience teens family husbands puppies laughter wine sarcasm airline satire comedy family teens children teens tagged apple bay of naples bells and whistles bounce dreft dryer era fabric softener garbage dump general electri how to do laundry missing socks siri snuggle waher whirlpool 10 comments may 15 2013 i m at a payphone trying to blog home the day the earth stood still was two weeks ago when my son s smart phone decided on it s own to dummy down and quit i learned this had happened through his sister who stumbled upon his facebook message to a friend commenting that his phone died i am grateful that my sons lines of communication are open to his thousands of facebook friends and refuses to add his mother as a bosom buddy he does not want me to be privy to his status while away at college he thinks his mother will spend her days stalking or creeping as they say on his infamous site where the full monty of freshman life is displayed and revered like i have time for that ok i sneak a peak every so often when facebook isn t looking i have eyes in the back of my facebook it s amazing how this generation xyz seem to run amok when an electronic is on the fritz it s as if one of their brain waves collide with an hd air wave and severed the wireless connection that adheres the smart phone to their palm resulting in their opposable texting thumbs to short circuit ive seen those thumbs work that virtual keyboard like greased lightening while sucking down kentucky fried wings those thumbs slip slidin on the screen not missing a beat of lol or ttyl or pos p arent o ver s houlder my son programmed his smartie phone messages to modulate the night watchman in a navy ship yard it sounds off with two bells every time a text is received in the olden days of sailing watches were timed by a thirty minute hour glass and bells would be struck every time the glass was turned my son watches the glass of his phone every second all day and all night no matter which way its facing i hear his phone clanging in a bell pattern of pairs morning watch ding ding forenoon watch ding ding ding afternoon watch ding ding ding ding night watch ding ding ding ding ding wee hours while family members sleep watch ding damnity ding i lie and wonder for whom the bells toll every second as my sons phone shouts out a new message received what news is so urgent to be shared every minute of the day and night amongst his mates and now here he sits with his dead phone and i wonder what could possibly be going on in his head now that his entire fleet of friends are unable to reach him and text their one syllable messages i have witnessed he and his crew hanging out and barely speaking in full sentences to each other i have watched as this collegiate armada sit around in silence dancing their opposable thumbs across their phones as a multitude of ships bells chimed in unison sounding alarms signaling functional and ceremonial uses of considerable significance as to whether one of them scored a date for the night i think about when i was his age and the readiness of communication while out and about was finding a working payphone in my day there wasn t a lot of emphasis on repetitive contact with one another if you had something to say or relative info to convey you dialed a number got to the point and made your arrangements there was no need to go back and forth with responses you knew what to do and when and where to do it there was no need to hold twenty people on the line to confirm what dress you were wearing to the dance there was no need to speak every minute to someone via the phone as we were all speaking in person when we got together if everyone related all their conversations ahead of time we would have nothing to talk about when we congregated well well well maybe that explains why my son and his friends are silent when they assemble they are texted out over messaged pinged to their last word i will say my son s faulty phone may have prevented future last minute changes in his life but all in all he handled being cell less quite well i half expected him to come off his buzz with certain side affects maybe a possible cellular detox causing a network disruption and a communication breakdown of his opposable thumbs therefore rendering him speechless there was a day or two of minor moping and staring at his thumbs trying to figure out their future should texting become obsolete while his phone is incommunicado it didn t take long for him to wander over and pick up the controls to his ill forgotten xbox collecting dust and play a childhood game or two i m sure its to keep his opossable thumbs conditioned until his phones replacement battery arrives in 5 to 7 business days spread the humor share this share share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading charlywalker 3 08 am filed under cell phones comedy friends hand bags humor menopause and humor motherhood mayhem mutts menopause merlot mayhem humor life experience teens family husbands satire satire comedy family teens children tagged aviation bells blogging college facebook freshman gaming hd kentucky fried wings navy ships shipyard smart phone technology texting transportation videogames 13 comments april 13 2013 the hills are alive with the sound of blogging it s raining it s pouring my husband won t stop snoring he went to bed turned his head and i kicked him out this morning i know snoring is no laughing matter especially to the other person occupying the the right side of the bed who can t sleep due to the massive logs being sawed next to her more like a buzz saw emanating from those nostrils how does this rhythmic rhino sleep through his own band of breaths how does he manage to open the floodgates of an airway to bring in da funk bring in da nose relentlessly causing him to not breath right this is nothing to sneeze at the only semi cure to calm his turbulent turbinates is to roll him on his side so his schnoz is facing east if he is resistant to that change in venue and chooses to remain on his back pausing to inhale he will face the pillow of doom hovering over his face as he s waiting to exhale i tried that once it was a mere threat in jest ure my recidivist snore hog snog awoke to the scent of a woman who uses too much fru fru fabric softener in the laundry so he hurled a ginormous sneeze onto the pillow case were you holding a pillow over my face he asks eyes wide shut incrusted with sleep particles no darling you were dreaming she coos replacing the deformed microfoam to the head of the bed for her eyes only you were holding a pillow over my head thinking to smother me with down feathers he smirks with laughing eyes don t be batt y sweet heart that material contains too much airspace if i truly wanted to off you i d use the fiber filled decorative throw pillows everyone knows polyester doesn t breath so you were trying to kill me in my sleep he spills out trying to suppress laughter not exactly honey pie it was more like adding a muffler to your mouth piece you re snoring i don t snore he deniably stated looking through the eyes behind his head oh that s right how could you possibly hear yourself snore over the the clamor emitting from your palate as you lie there in your sleep number coma oblivious to the affect is has on your neighboring bed mate she beamed through her betty davis eyes that was the last time i tried the muffle effect my next approach was during a visit out west staying with relatives and i tried the extended arm prop to the back technique this enables your snog to remain on his side for the night quieting the rumbling gasps however it will leave you sleepless in seattle with an achy breaky arm in the morning one night i chose to use the retractable limb method once your snore victim snortims is on his side your arm repeatedly jumps out into action with the slightest inkling of him turning onto his back sometimes this method calls for two arms to be utilized as you are dealing with unconscious weight weight that has been tipping the scales of late night snacking there are repercussions when using this tactic especially if you work out at the gym three to four days a week as my husband once fell victim to the floor you pushed me out of bed he blew out after the thud landing no darling you were dreaming she winces eyes squinting in guilt you could have killed me he puffs out no sweetums the chili peppers you loaded onto your late night burrito will kill you thus the thud when you hit the carpet i was merely administering a minor love tap to your back helping the jalapeno s adjust she quips as her eyes search for a eurythmic s lyric would i lie to you hone y ok ok you were snoring i don t snore he freely denies again this lead me to my third and final modus operandi which is a full proof formula so easy a dog could master it this ritual not only works but will provide your slumbering snog the body of evidence that which he is being accused of disturbing the peace ful sleeping wife i video taped him i filmed him in all his snore glory i showed him my presentation after i jiggled him awake just try and deny the snoring now my little sweet apnea you filmed me sleeping he says as as his eyes roll to the heavens yes pumpkin now there is no confusion as to your snoring or not here you are in living color lying on your back breathing and expiring the snuffle shuffle through your nose to the tune of she drives me crazy so what do you have to say now mr i don t snore her eyes have it that s not me rolls over fade to black eye give up share this share share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading charlywalker 2 17 am filed under comedy dogs gym humor menopause and humor motherhood mayhem mutts menopause merlot mayhem humor life experience teens family husbands sarcasm airline satire comedy family teens children tagged aviation bring in da funk bring in da noise cars decorative throw pillows eurythmics eyes wide shut fabric softener massive logs pillow polyester sandman scent of a woman snoring 9 comments april 5 2013 to blog or not to blog that is the question i have been trying for months to sit down and tackle my keyboard to try and coerce some nonsense out of my brain i believe my mind has been on hiatus longer than a new hit series featured on hbo it was as if the harder i tried to think of something to write about the more the thoughts escaped and tunneled out faster than andy dufresne through the sewers of shawshank it just stinks when that happens it s like i m held prisoner in my own head and i am facing a cell block that refuses to sing a schwann song in order to get the synapses in sync i usually will take long walks with my dog or tackle the elliptical at the gym i stress the word usually lately i have found it harder and harder to get out there during the winter months which seem to drag on longer than holiday visits from my mother in law the motivation to dress in layers jump into a cold car drive in sleet just to arrive and get out of a now warmed car into the cold and enter a gym that smells like like a gym then strip off the soaked layers and step up onto a piece of equipment that was formally occupied by a wet wookie has left the building as far as the long walks with my dog are concerned he avoids nasty weather and will withhold potty time longer than a camel craving an oasis a lot of my inspiration would attack me at random times times when i didn t have anything handy to jot the idea down this frequently happens while driving to the store and circling the parking lot for a space at the same time averting run a way grocery carts searching for a head on one time was in a bank as i stood eleventh in line during rush hour i found myself digging through my bottomless pit of a purse for a pen a pen i always carry in the zipper portion of a pocketbook which inevitably gets devoured by the hand bag monster lying in the abyss below the hole in fabric lining a pen that sits there in clutch camo teasing the grasp of my pre arthritic fingers sticking it s partially opened tip out leaving it s mark on my manicure to let me know it s there and unattainable at the moment a pen that refuses to surrender by the time i reach the front of the line to make my deposit in addition the bank employee reprimands me to sign the check and offers me a pen there i stand with a pen and teller and no vacancy written all over my brain and as fate will have it my thought for the day had vanished only to possibly resurface during another inopportune moment much like that pen of inequity did when it decided to show itself as i returned to my car outside the bank never walk and blindly fish for keys in an open receptacle whilst trying to recapture your initial brainstorm it leads to a dropped hand bag adjacent to the car door causing an accessories crisis spill onto the the black top and watching a pen that is mightier than my satchel to roll under the car i got down on all fours to locate its final destination i tried to retrieve that slippery shut in but it was out of my reach and i risked bumping heads with a header pipe and that would exhaust me gathering ideas to stimulate a blog thought is not an easy task and can prove to be hazardous depending on your surroundings at the time i ve had many afflatus attack me in the middle of a shampoo while showering maybe scrubbing the scalp stimulates that a fore mentioned cell block and whips a body out of the bath dripping without a towel sliding towards a pen spotted on the countertop only to land on the cold tile floor in the process which brought my brain to a conclusion that all ideas brought on during that scenario are wait for it slippery when wet spread the humor share this share share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading charlywalker 11 25 pm filed under comedy dogs hand bags humor menopause and humor motherhood mayhem mutts menopause merlot mayhem humor life experience teens family husbands satire satire comedy family teens children tagged aviation banks brain cells cars gaming hbo outdoors pen and teller purse schwann shawshank transportation videogames 10 comments march 28 2013 a re blog to wet your whistle as i prepare to return charlywalker s blog my high school son announced the other day that he was getting a tattoo i told him that s nice and when you leave for your ink appointment make sure you take extra clothes with you he stated back why do they make you change your clothes no i smiled back at him you ll b...
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